The Benefits Of Converting From A Negro To An Assimilated Negro

All the Negroes in the house say, “Yeah!”

All the Negroes in the house say, “hell yeah!!”

Word up.

In this episode we’re going to go over the primary reasons why any Negro should want to convert to being an Assimilated Negro:


Reason #1 – White Girls, Assimilated Negrettes, and Asianistas

That’s right Negro. Start living life as an Assimilated Negro and have access to girls you’ve only dreamed about. You know those fine, fly, light-skin mamacitas that look like they’ve been naturally airbrushed by God? You know the ones that you never see in “the hood” unless their heads are looking straight down as they walk with a steady, determined pace towards the nearest exit out the ghetto.

Those days could be gone Negro. Or at least be gone part of the time. Live life as an Assimilated Negro and soon those girls will have you escorting them to the nearest train station. Or better yet, they’ll have you hailing them a cab.

They will have to do the actual hailing, of course, but it’s still better than mace in your eyes.


Reason #2 – Wardrobe Expansion Program

Even the realest of Negroes gets tired of the same white tee-or-jersey dilemma day after day. Become an Assimilated Negro and you’ll be able to pull off those blue plaid shorts, or the dark corduroy blazer, or dare I say … the cashmere sweater wrapped around your shoulders or waist. And think how refreshing it will be to not have to wear those Antarctica Edition Timberland Platinum Alloy Boots on a sweltering 97-degree summer day. Upon official assimilation, you will receive a complimentary pair of Reef flip-flops for you to enjoy the summer months. Your toes will thank us. Trust me.


Reason #3 – Get A Job. A What??!!? A Job Ni$$a, A Job!!

This reason speaks for itself, but trust me Negro, you don’t know the joy of actually being considered for salaried employment until you experience it. Having a j-o-b is the hotness. It’s like smoking the fattest blunt, but you got money after it. Seriously. Both acts require you to anesthetize (you’ll know this word once you’re an Assimilated Negro) your brain until the only thing you can do is sit around looking at the clock counting the minutes going by until you have to do “some big thing” (hopefully go home). You will never rue the day you could get a job.


Reason #4 – No More Ghetto Living

This reason is largely a function of reason #3, but nonetheless it’s a big reason. Close your eyes Negro, dream a little dream with me, imagine yourself on the 6 train, Lexington Ave. line, New York City, center of the universe – keep your eyes closed – now imagine the train passing the stops, 51st, 59th, 86th, 96th. Imagine 96th street (For those who don’t live in NYC, 96th Street represents ‘the right side of the tracks’), and now imagine yourself, getting up, and getting off the train. That’s right Negro, imagine yourself getting off the 6 train at 96th street. You don’t have to go to the wrong side of the tracks Negro. You can get out here. Go ahead, go outside, bask in the sunshine. Look around at the clean stores, and fancy buildings, and trash that’s all picked up. Look at the White Chicks, Assimilated Negrettes, and Asianistas walking around in their boy shorts, shooting flirty-eyes at every Assimilated Negro that walks by. Look at the children playing in the park with grass in it. Look at the little one over there, drinking from the working water fountain, and not having to go to the hospital, without insurance. Now open your eyes. Now, look at me. That dream can still be yours Negro. Don’t stay trapped in the closet.


Reason #5 – Expand Your Food Palette; Eat Healthy!

Now I like four wings and French-fries from the ghetto chicken spot as much as much as the next overweight boy or girl. But there comes a time when your heart, arteries, and everyone else in the circulatory system are going to look at you and yell, “damn ni**a, can’t you have a couple pieces of lettuce … at least once?? A carrot, corn kernel, broccoli feather/pod/bristle thing … something??!!?” Then you will look at your circulatory system and say, “why are all of you talking like Chris Rock?” Then they will stop talking.


Reason #6 – Die A Little Later

Even Caucasians don’t know when they’re going to die. But presented with a choice, most of us would like the opportunity to enjoy those years after 35. We’re all getting old and decrepit, but heck, they came up with Viagra, who knows what they’ll have in another 20 years. So become an Assimilated Negro and you will add more than years, you will add decades to your life. Live at home with your mother longer, cheat on your girl some more, get held down by the man again, and again, and again. Don’t let anyone tell you life isn’t worth living … unless you’re a Negro, who’s not assimilated.


Reason #7 – Avoid Hassles & Interrogations

The combination of your new colorful wardrobe, open-toed footwear, glossy light-skin chick on your side, and a job will miraculously lead to less hassles. Now don’t get me wrong Negro, no one can guarantee a 100% hassle-free lifestyle for someone that still is at least partially Negro. But we promise to get you below that five times per week standard you’re more accustomed to. You might even be able to carry marijuana on occasion. (if it’s a short trip across the hall)


Reason #8 – Friends Who Can Actually Help You

Don’t blame your Negro friends when you need a little help meeting the rent this month. Or you have to get bailed out because you were caught carrying a joint across the hall. Obviously, they’re not going to be able to help, they have their hands full with trying to get past 35 without a jail bid. But when you become an Assimilated Negro we introduce you to a whole new world of friends and associates. Help with rent, bail you out, even buy you a lamp on your birthday. Little did you know Negro, that’s what friends are for.


Reason #9 – Actually Articulate What You Are Trying To Say

Wouldn’t it be great to say what you mean, and not rely on having your friends interpret your ambiguous slang when relaying a story about your latest sexual conquest, or how you cracked a new code in Grand Theft Auto? That ish would be john-blaze, knahmean?



Look Negro, I could go on for days telling you reasons why you should convert to being an Assimilated Negro. Ultimately the choice is yours. I’m not going to lie to you. The reasons I listed above are compelling, but there are some drawbacks. It can’t all be seersucker shorts and Brooks Brothers suits. Some potentially harmful side effects are:

General feeling of anxiety, a constant awkward malaise.

Credit cards maxed out on sneakers and fitted hats are nothing. Wait until you get a load of the bill you get for getting an MBA. That’s debt son! A crib for under $1500? Not here dog. That bottle of water you cop for a $1 in the hood, is gonna run you $5 downtown. Plus tax. And don’t even think about cigarettes, you’re going to have to quit that.

As an assimilated Negro, with the new company you keep, you will find yourself listening to a lot of sh*tty music. Just absorb the culture shock and move on.

Wearing flip-flops around the city will leave you with dirty disgusting feet. Learn to love it.


So yeah, there are a couple drawbacks. But they fall well short of comparing to the incredible dream that is becoming an Assimilated Negro. And get this, if you act soon you can retain the right to use words like “holla,” “wack,” and “my niggy.” Though we’re actually still collecting field research on “my niggy.”

To enter the Negro Assimilation Program (NAP), our recommendation is to start from the beginning. Go back to high school, no matter what your age is currently, to a school like this, this, or this. It will be well worth it in the long run. You’ll learn many ways to cultivate your wardrobe, make upwardly mobile friends, and attract those fine young White Chicks, Assimilated Negrettes, and Asianistas.

Good luck Negro. We hope to see you on the other side.