Why We Wear Baggy Jeans

Nick over at Gawk does a good job debunking this viral video, which I think as of his and this posting is not publicly acknowledged as a stealth viral video campaign for Levi jeans, but should be soon. If it is an ad there's a definite missed opportunity to corner the negro market cause obviously this is why we wear baggy/saggy pants. And, obviously, we choose a brand based on how easily it is to jump into them. So instead of the token faux-hawked negro (which as I've pointed out before are the reason why some caucs think they'd rather go negro than lose tivo) and some hipster-gymnasts doing nonsensical acrobatics w/ pogo sticks and what not, which no one in real life can relate to, you could have some real hood negroes who, y'know, are jumping out of bed trying to avoid baby mama drama, or out of a car trying to avoid 50 shots from the po-po, or whatever else we do on a typical Saturday night. And then you'd have us lining up for your jeans faster than if Lebron James wore them in his last playoff game and changed his name to "Tommy Hilfiger in the mid-90s" and they came with a free amateur-rapper myspace account. And a lifetime supply of Tims. And rims. Shout out to Mims! Damn, it makes me wanna freestyle (or at least beatbox) just thinking about it. Holla at ya boy, Levi's. Let's make it happen.

Dear TAN: White Girlfriends And The Seeds of Discontent

I once started a neverending interview, but now we're switching to a "Dear TAN" feature. Send your questions/letters to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com.

In this edition: White Girlfriend Ressentiment! (ressentiment is a word, perhaps, we could use more often?)

Dear TAN,

I hope your February isn't too cold! (You know how we don't like the cold.) [ed. note: yes this is old, d'oh!] I thought I'd drop you a line, soliciting some insight from a fellow partially assimilated negro.

I'm beginning to see feelings of resentment growing in my soul against my white girlfriend.

But I think it's more disdain for the white privilege from which she comes and its manifestations in her life.

Bemusedly,

DPW

~~

Dear Redacted,

Ahh, that old canard of caucasian coquettes and their craved kunta-kintes ... I know it well, my friend. Unfortunately, for your questions, easy answers there are none. A road map to Racial, Peaceofmind there is not, young jedi-negro. All I can tell you is where the hot hipster chicks hang out so you can get a new one.

But firstly we should confirm what we do know: White Privilege has everything to do with feelings about your White Girlfriend. Thats why we're using capital letters. If you're still wondering about that I'd say you should just reference her as "White Girlfriend" for a week or so, just for conditioning purposes. I mean what's the point of having one if you're not going to remember what she is, knahmean?

Moving on ... in the setup for your letter, I use the word "ressentiment," and that's not just my hip hop spelling of resentment. As the wise wiki above tells us they're two related but distinct terms, and I think very relevant to us assimilateds trying to manage the white angst (wangst?) dilemma.

Since I prefer to spit my Nietzsche to fine mamacitas in the wee hours over wine I won't really get into it now *cough* but Friedrich has a lot of real talk for black folk. And the long and short is ressentiment is about creating an object and subsequent morality out of being poorly treated. In the wiki they use a quote about birds of prey and lambs saying birds of prey may pick on the lambs, but it doesn't mean they dislike or hate the lambs, in fact quite the opposite, they think they're delicious. Meanwhile the lambs are sort of like F these birds, birds suck, we should get organized and start a F Birds revolution. This psychology is seen often with the black/white stuff because smart black people are always wringing their hands over whether we should be hating on The Man and engaging in the resistance, or seeing a brighter side etc. It translates well with the White Girlfriend issue because the White Girlfriend is more ostensibly not an enemy. Their weapons are fair-skin, blowjobs and cashmere vaginas (actually I think all girls have the latter two) so what's to revolt against ....?

Anywhite, I don't know if this helps you at all, but if you babble about this to your White Girlfriend she probably won't know what you're talking about, and you'll feel superior, and then maybe oral sex will ensue, and voila: no more resentment. The ressentiment might remain though.

Good luck!

-TAN

Grand Theft Auto V: Children With Attitude

Here's some nice fodder for those arguing that Grand Theft Auto is going to destroy the planet. Of course with a 7-year-old black kid stealing and driving an SUV (his gradma's) you'd prob be inclined to blame the hippity-hoppity too, but I don't think that works here. Stealing cars, err carjacking, has been played out in hip hop (and jazz!) for a while now.

Incidentally will GTA IV be available on the Wii system? That'll be fun.

Love the American Jokes

thanks: LT

TAN Guide to Astoria

TAN pops up at the new digital community for neighbors, or new neighborly digital community: neighborbee blog. A lot of good about-town peeps, blogging vets working with nice localized beats. I share some of my newly discovered Astoria knowledge (more on this to come!) and generally make a nuisance of myself, but cool blog for NY heads. Or those coming to visit.

4 Jewels in the Lost Town of Astoria [neighborbee blog]

The Caucasian Beatbox Renaissance

I remember when caucasians only beatbox'd to make jokes because obviously they couldn't beatbox, just like they couldn't rap, dance, or sexually please a woman. Well all those other things may be true, but it looks like they're trying to Tiger Woods the beatbox game. At least this guy is. The Martha Stewart/Julia Childs presentation definitely takes it beyond Doug E. Fresh and Biz Markie.



Related (that's fun, but I don't know if it trumps flute-boxers):
Beatbox + Flute = Hot Fire [TAN]

(thanks: LT)

The Barack Album, In Stores (If Not Office) Soon

Seriously, if you're a presidential candidate, and you go ahead and get ...that ... dirt off your shoulders in a public appearance, as Obama does in the most awesome clip below (2:25), the race should be a [w]rap. 99 Problems but a .... well, you know.



via: Stereohyped

Related:
Obama Just Threw On His Du-rag! [Jewcy]

Jeremiah Wright Has Black People On Lockdown

This video of Common freestyling in church came out early this year, and I kept forgetting to post, but in light of the Obama/J. Wright newscycle it has gained renewed relevance. Also, I hear the big G-eezy upstairs loves the hot buttery freestyles.

In any event, J Wrizzy can't be all bad if he's got Obama and Common in his cipher vouching for him. That's about as non-threatening negro as you can get.

Dr. Phil Doing His Part To Fight Black-on-Black Crime

Here's an amusing clip of Dr. Phil fighting the war for strong black negro-on-negro love...



"Lexi" appears to be setting herself up for drama. "Will only date guys who look like models?" Come again? Her body seems ok, but I don't think she's talked to her hair about that decision. They don't appear to share the same goals in life.

(Also ... Dr Phil's a little overearnest at the end with the matching hands and "ironically" pointing out how they have nothing -- NOTHING! -- in common.)

But honestly, the guy looks fairly well assimilated so Lexi shouldn't have a huge problem. If really attempting to diagnose and provide a solution, Dr. TAN would just recommend dude lose the cornrows. While more prevalent in the mainstream, cornrows are still a little too hardcore for many white people and would-be-white black people. It might be a shade short of showing up with gold fronts on your teef. Or a du-rag and some sort of prison-chic attire. Or bringing a burned Funkmaster Flex mixtape to the party instead of a bottle of wine.

Aww. Poor cornrows.

Related:
Mediocre Black Chick Reconditioning Program

Dear TAN: The Assimilated Downsy

I once started a neverending interview, but now we're switching to a "Dear TAN" feature. Send your questions/letters to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com.

In this edition: The Assimilated Downsy (™) endorses Obama!

After posting the pitch-perfect "Color Me Blind" video, I e-befriended the writer/director Will Drinker. A short while later he sent me a longish video with footage of his brother, who has Down syndrome, going on a date. He asked about posting/promoting the vid, so i pulled a Michael Bay and suggested some things to spice up his brother's stuff.

the following is his most recent email to me:


Come on Tanny Boy,
You said you'd post something that was shorter, like a trailer. I think Dan's Obama Endorsement is better than a trailer, and it's short, political, moving, and will be enough to attract curious minds to his site. Dan Drinker is the Assimilated Downsy.

- Will

~~

Dear Will,

I didn't respond in email, but as you can see, I am posting. For whatever that's worth. I think the vid is solid, but i am even more impressed and inspired by your pounding the inter-pavement on behalf of your brother. Incorporating your own interests of writing/filming etc with the love of your bro feels like what blogs, youtube and new media exposure/sharing is all about. Go you.

Also ... umm maybe see if you can get Lindsay Lohan to sing him happy birthday, naked, a la Marilyn Monroe.

And maybe give Dan a gun? if someone other than Obama wins people should know he means business. Maybe some Iraqi war footage could work there also.

Just spitballin' here. It's coming along great. You're gonna put the "Dan" in SunDance!

Good luck ....

(oh, and "tanny boy?" ummmm, let's talk about that in private before we install that as a term of endearment. thanks!)

- TAN


here's Will's endorsement statement and video:

My brother has Down syndrome. He's heavily caught up in the current political race. We are both Philadelphia natives. I'd like to share with you his very brief but very moving endorsement of Barack Obama. I believe this is newsworthy because my brother, Dan is symbolic. His judgement of character is just as valuable as the most famous or respected individuals currently receiving press for endorsing a candidate. Please allow his honest voice to be heard. Find out more about my older brother's impact on the world around him and the documentary we're making together at http://dandrinker.com.

Thank you for your time,
Will Drinker

Can You Paint Better Than A 4th Grade Elephant?

There's plenty here to make one skeptical, but also plenty to make you wonder if this is in fact an Elephant Picasso. Regardless, it's highly amusing to think of this elephant stroking its ears, or the tuft of hair on its head while agonizing over the texture/tone/impact of this self-portrait.

Differences: Black Girl, White Girl

From the animated minds of the "Read A Book" PSA/video, Tyree Dillihay & Six Point Harness Studios, (fyi: I interviewed them and Bomani for King mag) comes the newest animated breath of fresh air for the ongoing dialogue on race. A series of shorts titled, "DIFFERENCES." Like most things that are awesome it is best explained by simply watching it:

The Wheel of Misfortune Does Not Discriminate

I was ready to scream "Nah Negro" and tell these girls that's what they get for skipping class to chew bubblegum at the video arcade:



But then I saw caucasians share in the retardation:



(she's even worse cause she's stupidly tempting the bankruptcy gods as well. although i guess that stupidity comes from her original stupidity of not knowing the answer so there's really just one stupidity to rule them all.)

anywheel, yay equal-opportunity ignorance!

via: Gawk

Try To Focus On The Letter From Bill Clinton To Jeremiah Wright, If You Can

I posted about the picture circulating with Bill Clinton and Jeremiah Wright and how that should effectively end the Obama/Wright drama (not that Obama didn't end it himself with his SPEECH), but now Alexis Stodghill at AOL Black Voices has unearthed a letter from Bill to Reverend Wright. I mean, again, at this point it shouldn't be a huge deal, but simply knowing that there can be all sorts of hubbub about Barack and Wright, without any reference to Clinton and Wright OBVIOUSLY having a relationship as well is kind of annoying with regards to fair balanced reporting etc. etc.


Of course no version of politics-by-association is as effective as sexy Halle wearing your t-shirt. Makes me want to put the "C" and "G" in "Change" if you know what i'm sayin'... and i suspect you do.



The Clintons: A Friend of Ref. Wright? [AOL BlackVoices]
Obama-Chic [AOL BlackVoices]

Every Negro Is Black, But Some Are More Blacker Than Others

So Stereohyped had their two editors do a couple essays exploring what "the black experience" means to them. I personally think all editors of blogs, certainly ones that rely on the subjective tastemaking skills of the writer/editor, should indulge this exercise, it's great.

I left a couple comments because both raised interesting underplayed, in my opinion, questions w/ regards to the black experience.

Lauren (who I've interviewed), raises the dynamic of gender and sexuality in relaying her first out-of-black-body experience. In a moment when she's trying to look pretty/cute she is felled (scarred?) by the whole white beauty image issue.

When I jokingly wrote about the Mediocre Black Chick Conditioning Program, some of the feedback/comments made me think about significant differences in the "black experience" for men and women. The universal condition of gender/sex/sexuality influences how we receive and respond to our "blackness".

In other words, I think black women have the blackness more tied up in the american beauty complex. But you don't hear as much about black women, say, going to jail for holding a DVD. Which opens up a whole other bag of worms.

I was also struck by Cord's essay, one which he says was triggered by repeated questioning of his "blackness." Of course, for the most part, that "indictment" being tossed at educated "assimilated" black people is a familiar trope. But while Lauren raised the question of gender differences, I thought Cord raised the question of ultimate comfort level with said "blackness."

We all deal with existentially questioning ourselves, but black people can often have that framed in the context of their "blackness," and since the existential angst goes away, i wonder if being resentful of your black experience[s] can be permanently problematic, forever unresolved.

Anyblack, check them out if such explorations intrigue you.

Lauren Asks, Am I Black Enough For Ya [Stereohyped]
Cord Asks, Am I Black Enough For Ya [Stereohyped]

Related:
True Negro Confessions