McDonald's: The Black People Plumper

Alternative Titles:

McDonald's: The Official Fattener Of African-Americans

McDonald’s: For All Your Negro Catering Needs

McDonald’s: “We Feed Black People”

Granted I don't watch much tv, or pay much attention to McDonald's commercials when I do, but I haven’t seen a McDonald’s commercial that was targeted for white people in like twenty years. This begs me to ask two questions:.

1 – How the hell is McDonald’s so ubiquitous if only black people eat there?

2 – I’ve always thought McDonald’s ads sucked, but maybe they’re actually incredibly good?

3 – Are black people the tipping point for mainstream corporate success?

Ok, so I'm not good with counting questions or chicken mcnuggets, and of course it’s not only black people eating at McDonald’s. Everyone goes there (though I must say my Asian sensors are usually pretty quiet whenever I visit). But McDonald's definitely seems to have a "black division" that's all about sustaining their domination in the negroes-gotta-eat-too sector.

And I know this isn't breaking news. Amongst others, The Postshow boys, including First Responders heckler Alex Blagg, have a great parody on McDonald's racist marketing. So certainly the secret is out.

But it is telling that such blatant racism, or racializing if you prefer, is not only accepted, but is so effective at the mainstream level. My takeaway: In America, racism is part of your bottom line whether you like it or not.

It's also interesting that McDonald's is this infinite reservoir of subtextual racism — from the negroes behind the counter, to the negroes in front of the counter, to the caucasians in corporate who rely on both of them to keep the stock skyhigh — but the surface reality is one of a racial utopia. Black, whites, and others all getting fat and lovin' it together. There's never any beef or racial drama in McDonald's.

When I'm in McDonald's I'm almost tempted to say they can't be racist, look at how they've united everyone via the power of transfats. But then I see an ad and everything smells McFishy to me.

SoHo Knows: Man Boobs

If the NY Times is profiling the Man Boob epidemic, then you know the First Responders are on the case. Well, actually you don't necessarily know that. But we are!

(click image for video)

First Responders [Gawker]

Related:
Girls Who Like Boys Who Have Boobs Like They're Girls [Gawker]
Does Jay-Z Have Man Boobs? [Two Girl and a Gay]

I Now Pronounce You TAN & Jessica Biel's Ass

I saw the trailer for I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry last weekend, and I really think Jessica Biel's ass may be the next big thing in movie marketing. Her sh*t sells tickets. After seeing the trailer I had to stand up and clap. And cry. Cry the beloved freedom. I like Kevin James and Adam Sandler, but I wasn't planning on seeing this film. Now I am. If her ass doesn't win a Golden Globe I'm going to start a riot in South Central LA. F*ck an Oscar, she deserves the Nobel Peace Prize, or the MacArthur award. Her ass is genius!

This trailer is nothing until the 2:05 mark, then it will change your life forever.



I'm considering undergoing the Clockwork Orange treatment with that :15 seconds-of-heaven clip on constant repeat. I'm curious what will become of me. Whatever happens, I know I'll be happy.

Eva Longoria Without Her Makeup Looks Like Tony Parker

no?
(eva images via, and Longform)

Common: Heat

On the okay boards, found this old video Common did on his own for "Heat" off the Like Water For Chocolate album (which I'd submit as his best album). This wasn't a label-funded video, apparently Com and his peeps did it themselves for about $5K and put it on the pre-youtube internet. Hot Sh*t.

Common: The Game

Common's first video for his new album Finding Forever recently came out. It's the second single off the album. There's some other tracks from the album available for download on kanye talk.

Pharoahe Monch: Body Baby

TAN pimping of Pharoahe Monch continues. "Body Baby" is one of my favorite songs off his new album. Here's the video:

An Open Letter To Victims of My Lateness (Lateees)

Dear Sir or Madam,

Look, I’m sorry I’m sending this letter a little late. Heaven knows I’ve been late to just about everything in my life, so it’s not for lack of opportunity. But I think the reason for this letter’s lateness is similar to the justification for other latenesses. That is to say, I have an excuse.

I know, I know. No excuses! But if you think about it, life is an excuse. That is to say, life is a reason. Or, everything has a reason. You know? Everything has an excuse. If life sucks, if anything sucks, there’s always a reason, or an excuse. It’s like life equals excuse divided by reason squared. L=E/r²

Hmmm ....

What I'm trying to say is: I’m late because I care. I'm late because I value every minute. Yours, mine, and everyone we know.

(unless I'm late to a movie, in which case I'm late because movies start so damn late now. Have you noticed this?? It’s like 20 friggin’ minutes of trailers now. And they all suck.)

Hmmmm ...

Maybe if I deconstruct my lateness that could help:

See, when I have to go somewhere I tell my brain, “I have to be at so and so place, at such and such time."

And my brain, a particularly inquisitive brain, then says, “Why so and so? And while we’re here chatting, why such and such?"

Hmmm ... actually scratch that thought.

If you suspected you could die any minute, how would you live your life? I submit you would be constantly late. Because wouldn't you rather soak in the moment than fuss over temporal technicalities?

I know, my dear lateee, that this can be annoying. But it does balance out, and can even work in your favor sometimes. Because once I am in the moment with you, now you are the recipient of my undivided "die anytime" attention. All your precious words and ideas will be pored over, churned in my brain until your every expression is like the product of something that does a lot of churning (butter, for example!). You may even feel like a god.

Hmmm ...

Well honestly I'd love to say more, but I gotta end this. I'm running late for a meeting, and have some deadlines I'm behind on.

But next time, it's me and you.

Tardily yours,
-TAN

SoHo Knows: Paris Is Free!

Paris Hilton got out of jail yesterday. But Richard and I are still imprisoned in the cell known as Crosby Street:

(click image for video)

First Responders [Gawker]

Sex: A Story in Three Dates

Ever wonder why it typically takes three dates to get it? It's because the road to sex is a narrative unto itself, and thusly incorporates the traditional three act structure of storytelling:

Act I

We start with our opening. On a FIRST DATE we establish the main characters of the story. Most productions of "Sex" have only two characters, unless we're experiencing a popular offshoot called THE LOVE TRIANGLE, or the indie-alternative ORGY.

In establishing our characters the basic reconnaissance should reveal things like: name, age, what you do for fun, what you do for boredom, favorite books/movies/music, positions on celebrity/pop culture, are you smarter than a 5th grader, etc. Once the information has been received for processing, the characters will now begin to evaluate their feelings about each other based on this basic outline.

At some point during the opening someone needs to do something out of sort. In screenplay writing this is called the INCITING INCIDENT. It leads to the second act. If you don't get this inciting incident you don't have a story. Instead you have a sucky first date and no follow-up. Either character can spark the inciting incident, but traditionally the male character will do something that puts himself on the line. The cliché (and TAN favorite!) means of doing this is to make some sexually provocative remark. This comment will necessitate a prompt response from the other character creating an incident or dialogue that leads us into the second act.

ACT II

We now have an inciting incident, and with the basic outline of the characters in place we can now establish a DYNAMIC STORYLINE. An original phrase I just concocted, the dynamic storyline begins when both characters have finished PRELIMINARY JUDGINGS and established the balance of power. This is usually determined soon after the inciting incident, i.e. the guy stumbles and now the girl is in command, or the guy nails it and now the female is playing catch-up. The bulk of the second act is created by this balance of power swinging back-and-forth. The more swings, the more dynamic, the better the story, the more compelling the relationship. This all has to be done within the confines of the characters we've established (i.e. that nerdy pansy-ass white guy can't up and change into a cool assimilated negro on a whim) The second act can be of varying lengths, but it usually represents the bulk of the narrative.

Act III

The third act begins when you have an incident more compelling than the first, that creates a MOMENT OF CHOICE. The choice is whether you’ll be proceeding to sex, or determining the story thus far has been insufficiently entertaining and to be abandoned. Anyone can instigate this moment, but whoever sparks it determines the balance of power leading into the GRAND FINALE.

At this point the story has either been abandoned or will close with EPIC SEX SCENE. This grand finale will either disappoint or have everyone eager to see what happens in the sequel. The sequels can take the form of any genre. You may get a XXX story, where the characters just have sex all the time. Or you may end up with a nice romantic comedy, with dates and love and emotions rising and falling. Those sequels usually suck, but sometimes you hit upon a classic. XXX movies, on the other hand, don't have the same upside, but at least you know you can watch it and get off.

Happy Storytelling!

Dear TAN: Miami, Connecticut, and Reverse Assimilation

I once started a neverending interview, but now we're switching to a "Dear TAN" feature. Send your questions to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com, and then pray that God will give you more you important things to do in the future.

Dear TAN,

I recently discovered your blog, and unfortunately it has been keeping me from my research and other important activities. So, since you have devoured so much of my valuable time recently, I thought I might as well ask you a few questions....

First off, any plans of coming to Miami? You should perform around here, at UM perhaps. It's nice this time of year.

Next, how could you stand being in Connecticut? That's the worst state of the union! I've written essays on my dislike of that damn state.

And lastly, do you believe the assimilation process can work backwards? See, I happen to be a lighter shade of brown, but I've had a black heterosexual life partner/college roommate for a bit now. I'm pretty sure I've lost some whiteness ever since.

And by the way, just about everything you described in Ghetto Pass holds true here as well, apparently bodega owners work under strict franchise standards... I especially appreciate your work on ghetto pickup artists.... if you could, PLEASE start a trend that men no longer honk/whistle/teeth-suck/grab at girls on the street/whistle/teeth-suck. Because as far as I know, this has never gotten ANYONE ass in all of history. Ever.

Thanks
-G

Dear G,

I love it when anyone uses the term "life partner." The last time I heard it was via a woman I went out with a couple times, I discovered it also means "husband."

as for your questions:

1. No immediate plans for Miami. But I'd love to go and have friends with friends there ... so you never know!

2. Connecticut is good for being privately educated. And the long lost art of tree-gazing. Finally, it's not far from NY! That makes it once, twice, three times a lady.

3. The assimilation process can definitely go either way. It's kind of like body weight, on any given day you might gain or lose a little blackness/whiteness, but you generally stay in the same zone. (note to self: I need to go on a whiteness diet, STAT!)

As for the trend-starting, it's so out-of-wack to honk, holler and catcall at this point you might actually be able to get over if you do it in an ironic fashion. It's kind of retro and vintage now, no? I mean if the guy is cute you might smile at a good teeth-sucking. Hot guys, like girls, have a lot more leeway with these rules of cool-conduct.

Of course I wouldn't know, I don't merit enough leeway to even FedEx a girl a crisp hundred dollar bill and a subscription to Vogue, let alone hoot at her on the street.

I think I'm gonna need me one of those life partners.

word,
-TAN

Rough Draft: Blogging's The New Rapping

sendup of Jay-Z's "30 Something"...



MP3 File

Yeah …
You ain’t got enough traffic to f with your boy
Intergalactic son
They linking me on mars
Show you how to do this assimilated

yo, blogging’s the new rapping
n I’m so hot now (unnhh)
in the mix…
all my chicks got clout now (unnhh)
better buzz
if I drop sh*t right now
I bet its love
cause I got this net ish locked down
see you need the media
and all these blogs are the ish with media
so if media's not on your block they're online
so get your ass off the block and online
I’m
smart enough to know there’s good sites to read
and hot enough so I can get links from ‘em
I got my laptop chromed out so bloggers can’t see me
and I'll punch a n if he put drinks on it
I don’t blog on myspace
I’m talking my space
don’t gotta rhyme on stage to get your mind space
just rock your white face
and
then
start talking about something beside your crime rate
i know you like wait
these rhymes ain’t precise
plus its hov’s flow
so he ain’t really that nice
yo, you rap nerds need to chill
bloggin’s the new rapping
N I’m so hot still …

I used to let my hits sag
not giving a f*ck
baby boy now my blog’s grown up
used to email people
when I put sh*t up
baby boy now I'm all grown up

I used to sweat the gawk like that
used to leave comments like that
now I only blog for dough
got columns and such
baby boy cause I'm all grown up

rapping’s the new blogging
TAN still got flows (ohhh)
for all my hot chicks
and nappy headed hoes (nooo)
just kidding
I got respect for those
my prose can rock shows
them girls at okay know
I got more
you think
I think more
but I think
some people think
I’m overthinking the score
I’m a bully with the quotes
don’t let the flat front khaks fool you crackas
i used to smack you up at choate
that was my past
now I’m all grown up
my friends are all Caucasians
all persuasions
whatever you craving
might start an invasion
while I be somewhere eating craisins, blazin’
w/ a hot Puerto asian
catchin’ summer rays ‘n
I even bagged the Mets, cause the sex is amazin’
you bloggers fall back for real
Rapping’s the new blogging I’m so hot still ….

[TAN Audio Room]

Missed Connections: You, Foreign Chick with Balls; Me, Pansy Negro with None m4w

I was working in a Starbucks last night, and there was this fairly cute girl icing me. She was two tables from me, and after playing eyetag over the course of 15-20 minutes I overheard her talking on the phone. She wasn't American, which made her hotter. And after getting off the phone she continued to flash me looks. Even when she departed she stared at me while standing at the corner with her umbrella in the rain. If I would have ran out at that moment and said hello, IT COULD HAVE BEEN CLASSIC. She was totally a foreign chick who'd be down to kiss a guy that struck her fancy in the rain. Unfortunately, I totally pulled a TAN2 and didn't f'ing do anything. I'm sick over it now. All I did was look back at her and give that muted smile us pansy guys do when we're being pansies.

I'm disgusted with the passive aggressive elements of my personality. I detest them. The biggest of allure of foreign chicks (and dudes too probably) is that they are alpha. They don't play games. I don't want to play games. Games are weak. Games are for children. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I flirted like a child. But now I'm a man and it's time to put down childish things.

NO MORE!!

From here on out I will be the guy running up to the foreign chick in the rain. Yes, I'll be slapped in the face, and yelled at in a language I don't understand. And she'll point out the blemish on my forehead that happens to be leaking sebaceous fluids, something she had previously never seen before ... BUT AT LEAST I'LL BE ALIVE DAMMIT!!!!

SoHo Knows: Lindsay Lohan

First Responders have taken on Bald Britney and Paris Hilton. This week we complete the Holy Trinity and find out what people think about the indomitably buxom, the incorrigibly sultry, the one and only fiery-haired (except when she's a brunette) LiLo LinLo Lindsay Lohan:


First Responders [Gawker]

SoHo Knows: Memorial Day

I forgot to post this last week, but I loved this holiday edition of First Responders:


First Responders [Gawker]