Missed Connections: You, Foreign Chick with Balls; Me, Pansy Negro with None m4w

I was working in a Starbucks last night, and there was this fairly cute girl icing me. She was two tables from me, and after playing eyetag over the course of 15-20 minutes I overheard her talking on the phone. She wasn't American, which made her hotter. And after getting off the phone she continued to flash me looks. Even when she departed she stared at me while standing at the corner with her umbrella in the rain. If I would have ran out at that moment and said hello, IT COULD HAVE BEEN CLASSIC. She was totally a foreign chick who'd be down to kiss a guy that struck her fancy in the rain. Unfortunately, I totally pulled a TAN2 and didn't f'ing do anything. I'm sick over it now. All I did was look back at her and give that muted smile us pansy guys do when we're being pansies.

I'm disgusted with the passive aggressive elements of my personality. I detest them. The biggest of allure of foreign chicks (and dudes too probably) is that they are alpha. They don't play games. I don't want to play games. Games are weak. Games are for children. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I flirted like a child. But now I'm a man and it's time to put down childish things.

NO MORE!!

From here on out I will be the guy running up to the foreign chick in the rain. Yes, I'll be slapped in the face, and yelled at in a language I don't understand. And she'll point out the blemish on my forehead that happens to be leaking sebaceous fluids, something she had previously never seen before ... BUT AT LEAST I'LL BE ALIVE DAMMIT!!!!

Craigslist Comedy: Writers Needed

A fair amount of people mine the CraigsList for content. I might start doing the same if I continue to see postings like this one I saw in the writing/gigs section:

Okay, so here's the lowdown. Besides making a really cute couple, my girlfriend and I are both really funny. A lot of times we find ourselves wishing our friends could be more like us. I don't mean that in a negative, arrogant way because I love our friends, but my girlfriend and I are so witty that we usually steal the show. I'm a pretty accomplished comedy writer. I have had jokes published in Reader's Digest and I was the runner up in the annual Omaha, Nebraska "Funniest Guy on the Farm" competition. I recently had a great idea for a variety show that my girlfriend and I could cohost. When we get together, there is a great comedic energy. We'll do funny things like talk to each other in strange, high-pitched voices and finish each other's sentences with unfavorable content. For instance, if I was going to say, "Today I went to the mall," my girlfriend might finish my sentence with, "...to the laundromat after I pooped in my pants!" Since I was unable to establish that I went to the mall, the sentence sounds like I said, "Today I went to the laundromat after I pooped in my pants!" Our antics never fail to make our friends laugh and I truly think they would be just as funny on television. The name of our show is "Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper."

The request continues here

I think this has to be a brilliant joke, but it would be oh-so-sweet if it wasn't. Anyone looking to get on board the "Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper" locomotive do get in touch, and do, please, let me know about it...

"We'll Work Out The Financial Details" [CL]

TAN On Craigslist (The Incredible Zulk edition)

Negroes, Caucasians, and Asians lend me your ears eyes.

I know many of you have been checking the site upwards of fifty times, no check that, fifty thousand times a day waiting to see when I (or Gawker) would post the results of the TAN on Craigslist Report.

Well I have some bad news and I have some good news.

The bad news is that TAN on Craigslist has experienced further delays.

The good news is that the delay is due to TAN bringing in his first outside contributor. One with a little feminine flair. And since TAN only works with the crème de la crème, you should have all confidence that I'm bringing in a journalist with credentials nonpareil ...

Some know her as the Mistress of Magnificence. The Sultry Siren of Serendipity. The Titular Titan of Transcendent Terminology.

That Zany Zarathustra of Zulkey.com

The Epoch herself ...

Claire Zulkey

*applause lights flash*

See, if we're not making hip hop songs about you, we'll at least give you a decent introduction.

Claire is a big White Sox fan, and I sent her an emotionally crushing fan letter, when I noticed her pimping those Sox on the Wall Street Journal Online of all places. And lucky me, she responded. Ever since I've been trying to convince her the assimilated negroes in NYC are better than the ones in Chicago.

While waiting for the light of that knowledge to shine upone her, we discussed setting up an intra-blog scrimmage. The subject of which ended up being the aforementioned Craigslist Report.

So we have the teams. We have the playing field. What we don't have yet is a kickoff time.

But it's coming soon.

And if you have already devoured the TAN archives multiple times while patiently waiting, then I would certainly recommend logging in some procrastination time at the Zulkey Library of Congress


-TAN on CL (d'oh)
-TAN on CL
.

TAN On Craiglist (D'oh! Edition)

I'm fairly amused that I express some guilty feelings of remorse regarding my research on Craigslist, how I don't want to judge yada yada yada, and what do you know, it gets Gawkered.

Obviously I shouldn't be surprised about them getting down with some judging, when you consider their new t-shirts.

Or sort of new t-shirts??


But it's slightly amusing.

Anyways, this is all a preface to let those waiting for the aforementioned Craigslist Report know about some disappointing news. Today I was forced to pay particular attention to this message in my craigslist hotmail account:

Messages more than 5 days old will be automatically deleted from the Junk E-Mail folder. Review the messages in this folder from time to time to ensure that it includes only mail you don't want in your Inbox. Tell the Junk E-Mail Filter which messages you'd prefer to have delivered to your Inbox by using the checkboxes and then clicking the 'Not Junk' button.


Those of you who did not vote for Bush can probably guess this means that when I went to go get my quotes and snippets and other data, most of the messages were gone, as all the responses were filtered to junk, and I never bothered to move them.

Alas, the report will have to be delayed as I have to repost the ad and solicit a new batch of responses.

I'll probably put it up again tonight, and those of you who are into that sort of thing can even go look at the post in real time.

Hopefully all the guys on craigslist trolling for this sort of woman don't read TAN.

Actually, I hope they do, so I could know someone other than my pet goldfish reads this. I just hope they're desperate enough to hold out hope no matter what they read here.

Who knows, maybe someone will say the words that convince me to invite them over for ice cream....


In the meantime feel free to add a comment to my incredibly memorable 100th post.

Or your thoughts on the effective soybeans and milk combo.

And I'm still looking for a new word, though "badunkdafunk" from Evan is pretty good.


TAN on CL followup:

TAN on CL (original)
TAN on CL (Zulkey)

TAN On CraigsList

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