Friday, April 27, 2007

TAN Q&A: Stereohyped Editor Lauren Williams

Earlier this week my usual routine of shucking-and-jiving for the man was interrupted by the announcement of a new blog for negroes called Stereohyped. "What's this" I thought, "someone trying to impinge on my TAN-turf? AND they've got gay white dollars behind them?!!?"

Needless to say I broke out the brass knuckles and prepared for serious beef (over email of course), cause I'm the only negro allowed to tapdance for gay white blog-publishers in this town dammit!

But then I finally scrolled down past the assimilated-inspired header, and noticed the editor was female, and cute. And the content was actually pretty interesting as well. Hmmph! I was at an impasse. Like the rest of the black community I'm programmed to hate on other negroes doing things I might be able to do if I gave up my forties-and-a-blunt daily multivitamin, so now what? Well as per my usual routine when flummoxed over an issue that has racial implications I watched about six hours of Oprah to get my mind right, and after a marathon of soaking in the big O's hip-hop-hating equanimity I decided that maybe black people could work together for a change. So instead of bullets and drama I sent over some questions (and a case of Colt 45) over to assimilated negress Lauren Williams. And 'gro-and-behold she was kind enough to respond:

Lauren Williams is a bit of a generic name. Can you spare us the trouble and tell us what an in depth Google search reveals about you? Particularly your credentials as a black person and a writer/journalist/tastemaker.

Well, I've been black for about 25 years, give or take a few in the mid-to-late 90s when I was having an intense Clueless/Britney Spears moment. I double majored in English and African American Studies (with an unofficial minor in institutionalized segregation on college campuses below the Mason-Dixon Line) at the University of Virginia, followed by a Master's in Magazine, Newspaper, and Online Journalism from Syracuse University. I worked as a local news reporter at a paper in Virginia for a year, which will go down in history as the most miserable year of my life. Then I fled to Paris to study cuisine at Le Cordon Bleu. Get it? Taste. Maker. The end.

How long has Stereohyped been in the works? Did it go through different iterations?

Stereohyped has been an idea for a couple of years, but I've only been working on it for a few months. I wouldn't say it's gone through different iterations, but it has definitely evolved and will continue to as I start to get reader feedback. Readers, feed back, please!

Who would you rather be with: Derek Jeter or Jay-Z?

The more important question to ask is who would rather be with me? Last time I checked, Derek Jeter prefers his milk without the chocolate, if you know what I mean. I don't like to get played, so the natural choice would be Jay-Z.
[ed. the idea is to choose between jock/model/athlete type vs. businessman/cool personality/rapper type]

You seem to cover everything black people love, EXCEPT sports. Where's the sports love? Are you aware that a lot of black people play sports?

Ugh, sports. It's an untapped gold mine, I know. The thing is, I don't know anything about sports beyond basic pop culture references. It would ring false. That said, I'm certainly not anti-sports. If someone wants to be my sports columnist, holla! Insert "for free" somewhere in there.

How involved were you in the name and design selections? What were some of the other names. And do you know a lot of black people who wear suits and brazenly carry spray paint cans around on their way to and from work?

The site already had a name when I started working on it, and I'm no designer. I did offer my opinion on the way things looked. Also, everyone I know carries spray cans on their way to and from work. And they're brazen with it. You need to get out more. But seriously, the logo symbolically represents Stereohyped's readers, who are educated but have diverse interests, who often have to act one way at their jobs and another when they go home, and who refuse to be pigeon-holed . Basically, it's for all of the Wall Streeters out there who have penchants for graffiti. And don't they all?

Who are your competitors? Are you stealing black readers from my friends at Gawker? Are you stealing white readers from my friends at okayplayer? You've got to be stealing from someone right?

I read so many blogs, and when I discover a new one I like, I just add it to the list. I'm not sure that there are any other blogs exactly like mine right now, so I can't name any direct competitors. I hope to attract readers who like gossip blogs, political blogs, sports blogs (just kidding), fashion blogs, etc. Basically, everyone should watch their back. Or at least be cool with sharing.

Speaking of white readers, are you keeping them in mind, or could you care less if they stay or if they go now?

I love white readers! However, if, by "keeping them in mind", you mean posting content just because I think white people will like it, then the answer is no. But I won't limit myself to posts that only interest black people. I'm not even sure that's possible. A lot of my content will interest a wide range of people. I welcome that, obviously. I'm not going to turn away or deliberately alienate readers.

How do you get your hair so deliciously curly?

Miss Jessie's Curly Pudding. Look it up.

Are you single?

Yes
[ed. Holla!]

Would you rather have: Jolie's lips, Biel's booty, Johannson's rack?

Jolie's lips are fine on her, but slapped on anyone else's face I think they would look more like Jack Nicholson in his Joker makeup than Lara Croft. Johannson's rack? I like mine better. I guess that leaves Biel's booty, which, I admit, is pretty impressive.

Do you interracially date/mate?

I never have before, but it's not something I would rule out.

Have you ever been called a nappy-headed hoe? Also, do you play basketball?

No to both. But once in high school gym class a white classmate asked me if black girls had to use special mascara because our hair was different. We were on the basketball court but were playing volleyball, I think. Does that count? A little?

Are you maintaining a rigid posting schedule? How much content can we expect?

At least 10 posts a day on the weekdays. A couple on the weekends. In other words, there will be more than enough procrastination fodder for the entire workday.

Was this your baby, or David Hauslaib's? If it was his, what in the world is he doing having a black baby? Does trent-is-the-new-pink know about this? If it's your baby, how did you convince The Man to be your black-baby daddy?

What in the world is he doing having a black baby? You really don't know? Black babies are all the rage. Ask Angelina and Madonna.

Should there be a blog for Asians, puerto ricans, and native americans? How about short people, or people who talk a lot in movies? How many niches should there be?

Why not? It's not for me to say how many niches there should be. Nobody's forcing people to read their blogs or making readers pay for the service. I'm pretty sure there are some bloggers who write just for themselves and consider readers an added bonus. Anyway, there is a small, odd, but loyal group of people who would religiously follow the People Who Talk A Lot In Movies Blog. I'm waiting for one geared toward people whose second toes are longer than their big toes. I might start that on the side.

Parting shots?

None.

SoHo Knows: Rosie Leaving The View

Richard and I discovered that Crosby Street in SoHo harbors a good amount of hostility for Rosie O'Donnell.


First Responders [Gawker]

Oh Word Finds Cam'Ron's Rhyme Book

The crew over at Oh Word managed to swipe “The Official Rhyme Book of Killa Cam’ron Giles” and now have it on display. It's great. Highly recommended for hip hop newbies and the headiest of lyric-heads alike, peep it immediately.

Officshal Rhymes Book Of Killa Cam [Oh Word]

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Who Is America's TAN? Jeter vs. Jay-Z

A friend of mine and I were debating who we'd rather be, Derek Jeter or Jay-Z. And somehow it seemed there was merit in going through the pantheon of assimilated negroes and determining who you prefer. So on occasion, we will do just that. Consider it the search for America's Top Assimilated Negro. Here are some of the key variables in the matchup of "The Captain" vs. "The President"


Physical Attraction
Jeter is younger and certainly more of the model type. As the pro athlete he's also in better shape, and the better bet to live longer. Jeter looks like the product of a fancy multicultural marriage, Jay looks like he's from the projects. Granted he's cleaned himself up nice, but it's telling that when it came time for battle Nas immediately went for the jugular with repeated attacks on Jay's questionable physical appeal. Jay does sometimes comes across as the late blooming ugly kid who wasn't treated nice by the girlies, but now is rich so it doesn't matter.

Edge: Jeter

Professional
Jeter got the 2nd richest contract in sports history, and he's the face of the game, but he's not going to match duckets with Jay. Jeter's got Gatorade, Jay's got Budweiser. Jeter has Driven, Jay has Rocawear. Sean Dot is clearly just more aggressive with the business plan.

There's also an interesting difference in lifestyle. Both are public performers and gain a lot of celebrity from their profession. But Hov has the 24-7, 365 job while Jeter's work is concentrated between April and October. Sort of a tough call, but ...

Edge: Jay

Ladies
Jay's got, perhaps, the hottest chick in the game wearing his chain. And if he's hitting Rihanna pon de replay, that's not a bad mistress. But still, who's really effing with Jeter? He lives in the average man's fantasy world: Biel, Johansson, Minnillo, Alba, Brewster. Those come after he broke in with Mariah when she was young and hot, and former Miss Universe Lara Dutton. Simply an impeccable resume. We're not even gonna talk about it anymore.

Edge: Jeter

Steez
Jeter comes across a little jockish, and he hasn't looked good during the ARod fiasco; seems like he can be an asshole sometimes. But also seems like he's trying to protect his personal life. If he could poke fun of himself on SNL (in one sketch Jeter says of himself, "Jeter looks like The Rock had sex with a Muppet") Jay always seems cool, though sometimes his coolness reaches to the point of pretense.

Edge: Jay

Conclusion
All in all this feels like a classic matchup of Model/Jock type versus Cool Everyman. Jeter has natural looks and physical stuff going for him, but Jay may be the guy you'd rather chill and have drinks with. That said I think Jeter wins his categories by a more decisive margin, so he gets the overall victory in a close matchup.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Tired Kitty To The Rescue

Sooo tired ... but ... must ... keep ... my paws up ... zzzzzzz:

Friday, April 20, 2007

SoHo Knows: Virginia Tech Shootings

Richard and I hit the street known as Crosby to talk to people about the various issues stemming from the tragedy at Virginia Tech. Tricky subject, but opening graphic notwithstanding, I think we managed to explore in a tactful manner.


First Responders [Gawker]

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Negro Law: Can Nike Use Racism To Sell Us Sneakers

The story that refuses to die has found a new medium: advertising. AdAge reports about Nike using nappy-headed hoes racism and Don Imus as the fuel for their new campaign.

The ad, which ran on a full page in last Sunday's NY Times and will be used as a banner on some websites, reads:

"Thank you, ignorance.
Thank you for starting the conversation.
Thank you for making an entire nation listen to the Rutger's team story. And for making us wonder what other great stories we've missed.
Thank you for reminding us to think before we speak.
Thank you for showing us how strong and poised 18 and 20-year-old women can be.
Thank you for reminding us that another basketball tournament goes on in March.
Thank you for showing us that sport includes more than the time spent on the court.
Thank you for unintentionally moving women's sport forward.
And thank you for making all of us realize that we still have a long way to go.
Next season starts 11.16.07."

I think they edited out this line:

Also, thank you for giving us another way to sell sneakers to nappy-headed mofos.

Incorrect apostrophe usage aside (uh, you think Nike could scrounge up some money for a copyeditor to tell them there is no such school as "Rutger"), the ad does raise some questions.

Are they right? Are we NOW looking for other "great stories"? And do racist mofos saying stupid ish constitute a "great story?"

And how about all this "progess of women's sport?" Are a lot of people now going to attend the women's NCAA tournament? Do they now also care about the time these females spend off the court?

Are there people who didn't know when the season started that are now marking 11/16/07 on their calendar?

I don't know.

I know for me personally, the Imus ad will not likely motivate me to watch a women's basketball game. But this other Nike ad might:

Thank you big booty. Thank you for moving woman-kind forward.

So yeah, I don't know if I'm sold on Nike's message in this Imus campaign.

What I do know for sure is that Nike has sneakers to offer you. And they're using this controversy to sell some. Which leads to the final question:

is that cool?

(thanks Tishon, for the link)

Jimmy Kimmel vs. Gawker

I will be revisiting this incident between Gawker editor Emily Gould and late night guy Jimmy Kimmel, but just posting the vid now for safekeeping:

My Lady Left Me For A Hershey's Kiss

We've all heard about love and chocolate being synonymous in terms of your bio-chemistry. But now researchers have found that chocolate is more stimulating to your brain and body than kissing (and not just a peck, we're talking serious slob-down here). In this BBC report Dr. David Lewis of the Mind Lab says, "There is no doubt that chocolate beats kissing hands down when it comes to providing a long-lasting body and brain buzz."

As an aside, this news has led me to start working on my newest invention: Chocolate Tongue Sleeves!

Everyone can get their own set of choco tongue sleeves. You'll come to the store, stick your tongue in the Chocolate Mould Maker, and voila! Now your every kiss will be tasty and exciting. Licking your lips, or even the concrete, will be a constant temptation; and when you kiss you get double the buzz! These sleeves will be perfect for dating those girls who taste a little too salty when you lick them up and down 'til they say stop. Now you can stick your tongue anywhere and it will taste like mouth watering chocolate. Her mouth, her boobs, her ears; you haven't lived until you've had some chocolate ear wax homey. And when she's a little fishy down there, no problem! Chocolate fish! DELICIOUS! And if you're getting really freaky, and going down on the back-hand side (aka The Real Dirty South) she won't even need to clean her booty! Just turn out the lights, light the incense, and savor her chocolatey fountain of farts, feces fondue goodness...


Ok, now where was I again? Oh right. Chocolate!

So yeah, I've always been one to place some value on the connection you feel when kissing. But apparently if you're a bad kisser, you can try a Kit Kat instead. Or something similar. Maybe they should market chocolate as some sort of Kissing Viagra? If your lips are a little limp, put a little cacao on there and you should have her endorphins pumping in no time. Either way, it's just more reason to stock up fellas, it could very well save your relationship.

And of course I'll keep you posted when the choco sleeves come out.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

HERE COMES THE PIZZA!

If you tell me you had video of a man being pelted by a slice of pizza, I wouldn't anticipate it being all that funny. But this video below is pure COMEDY GOLD. I think the announcers really make the whole thing go:



Here's a more expanded clip:



The Boston Herald has the equally hilarious justification (via deadspin).

Monday, April 16, 2007

Masturbation Law: How Long Before You Can Fantasize About The Recently Deceased?

The newest issue of Playboy is a tribute to Anna Nicole Smith and in putting together this issue they pose an interesting dilemma for us frequent-rubber-outers: how soon is too soon for dead women?

Now unlike say, Jessica Alba, Anna Nicole Smith isn't as smooth a masturbatory target victim. Some girls as soon as their image locks eyes with yours, you just have to find someplace to relieve the sexual tension. But Anna Nicole Smith is a little more complicated. She carries a lot of masturbation baggage. Will the old man pop in your head? What about the baby? Will they have to test your DNA if you come on her picture? Plus if you've seen her reality show or any of her interviews, then you know about the "personality glitches" that can trigger a disruption to your self-love connection at any time.

Then again, fodder is fodder. Once in the realm of sex and and fantasy, most males develop a high tolerance level for glitches in the matrix. Whether you're dead, or turn into a fox, or sprout a third leg, most guys can integrate these developments into a cohesive fantasy:

"I'm going to bang you until you come back to life girl!"

"Girl, you know you are sexy... sexy like a fox!"

"Ok. Turn over and put your third leg in position so that it partially covers the hole, but I also still rub against it on the side a little."

It's always a question whether it's more appropriate to honor the dead through solemn hands-off reverence, or via celebration and an even more enthusiastic appreciation of life. Playboy obviously votes for the latter. How about you? Are you gonna be quick to squeeze a little semen out for the big-boobed girl who passed away? Or will you feel a pang of disappointment at never being able to get a good session going off her Trim-Spa ass again? Where does the penis draw the line? What is the statute of limitations on this?

Luckily for me it doesn't matter, I only read articles in Penthouse.

When Beer Pong Rules The Earth, This Man Will Be Our King

I wonder if this guy and the kids who rolled up an "ounce" of "pot" go to the same vocational school:
via Deadspin

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Assimilated Thoughts: Uptown/Downtown

When I go downtown to Gawk HQ and I pull out my 14" ibook I worry that Balk or Emily are going to write some snarky post about “TAN's cheesy laptop.” It feels big and cumbersome and old.

When I pull out my ibook uptown, I attract a crowd and elicit oooh’s and ahhh’s from the crowd. I feel on the cutting edge of technology.

When I wear my olive green corduroy jeans from Ralph downtown, I feel like I'm part of the crowd. Maybe a little hipsterish, but no one notices.

When I wear them uptown, I feel like I'm wearing a costume. Everyone is looking and wondering why my pants aren’t blue or black. Or made of denim.

If I'm downtown and I only have $5 on me, if I don't find a fast food dollar menu somewhere I'm skeptical of my chances of getting something to eat.

If I'm uptown it seems the world is my oyster and I can eat just about anywhere I want.

When I'm downtown, I overhear conversations about New Media, and blogs, and The Assimilated Negro.

When I'm uptown all I hear about is myspace. The internet = myspace.

When I'm downtown I laugh and frolic with my caucasian friends with nary a second thought about how corny they might look, or if they're embarrassing me and/or undermining my “negro kool.” In fact, I occasionally even wonder if I'm the one embarrassing them (answer: yes!).

When I'm uptown, I always end up giving my caucasian friends a look-over and scurry them along according to their corniness quotient.

One world is tough enough, two is driving me crazy...
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