Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Who Is America's TAN? Jeter vs. Jay-Z

A friend of mine and I were debating who we'd rather be, Derek Jeter or Jay-Z. And somehow it seemed there was merit in going through the pantheon of assimilated negroes and determining who you prefer. So on occasion, we will do just that. Consider it the search for America's Top Assimilated Negro. Here are some of the key variables in the matchup of "The Captain" vs. "The President"

Physical Attraction
Jeter is younger and certainly more of the model type. As the pro athlete he's also in better shape, and the better bet to live longer. Jeter looks like the product of a fancy multicultural marriage, Jay looks like he's from the projects. Granted he's cleaned himself up nice, but it's telling that when it came time for battle Nas immediately went for the jugular with repeated attacks on Jay's questionable physical appeal. Jay does sometimes comes across as the late blooming ugly kid who wasn't treated nice by the girlies, but now is rich so it doesn't matter.

Edge: Jeter

Jeter got the 2nd richest contract in sports history, and he's the face of the game, but he's not going to match duckets with Jay. Jeter's got Gatorade, Jay's got Budweiser. Jeter has Driven, Jay has Rocawear. Sean Dot is clearly just more aggressive with the business plan.

There's also an interesting difference in lifestyle. Both are public performers and gain a lot of celebrity from their profession. But Hov has the 24-7, 365 job while Jeter's work is concentrated between April and October. Sort of a tough call, but ...

Edge: Jay

Jay's got, perhaps, the hottest chick in the game wearing his chain. And if he's hitting Rihanna pon de replay, that's not a bad mistress. But still, who's really effing with Jeter? He lives in the average man's fantasy world: Biel, Johansson, Minnillo, Alba, Brewster. Those come after he broke in with Mariah when she was young and hot, and former Miss Universe Lara Dutton. Simply an impeccable resume. We're not even gonna talk about it anymore.

Edge: Jeter

Jeter comes across a little jockish, and he hasn't looked good during the ARod fiasco; seems like he can be an asshole sometimes. But also seems like he's trying to protect his personal life. If he could poke fun of himself on SNL (in one sketch Jeter says of himself, "Jeter looks like The Rock had sex with a Muppet") Jay always seems cool, though sometimes his coolness reaches to the point of pretense.

Edge: Jay

All in all this feels like a classic matchup of Model/Jock type versus Cool Everyman. Jeter has natural looks and physical stuff going for him, but Jay may be the guy you'd rather chill and have drinks with. That said I think Jeter wins his categories by a more decisive margin, so he gets the overall victory in a close matchup.


  1. One note on the physical attraction tip: A friend of a friend (isn't that always how these stories go?) had a one-night stand with Jeter when he first started with the Yanks and reports that he will, ahem, never have to write the kind of letter TAN once did.

  2. They're both douchebags, obvs. I'd rather just be TAN.

  3. chitownlady4/25/2007

    Jay has an undeniable swagger. He has a pretty impressive list of hot chicks to refrence as well (Rosario Dawson, Aaliyah, Blu Cantrell), But the fact that he has Beyonce make women want him even more. Jay has the upper hand on a business level, & he's also charismatic... Jeter can't hold a candle to Joe Camel in a suit. After all is said & done, most wemon could really care less about her man looking like a supermodel.

  4. Based on the pure assimilated facts Jay is undeniably on top of his game(holding the Roc sign in the air). The street cred, the gorgeous gal and all that promo gear: everybody wishes they knew how he did it! I agree with chitownlady, I couldn't care less if my man looked like a supermodel.

  5. Anonymous4/26/2007

    Word, son....You readers have spoken!

    Jeter's a herb.

    Hova, Hova, Hova....


  6. Good call. I'm a fan of both, but I don't remember Jeter ever stabbin' someone who pissed him off. He gets points for no pokey.

  7. Scott Ross4/26/2007

    One thing you haven't considered is that Jay-Z gets to hang out with ... well, whomever he damn well pleases.

    Jeter, on the other hand, is required by his employer to spend eight months a year hanging out with d-bags like A-Rod.

  8. Rappers and athletes are dating pools I very consciously choose not to dip into. If I had to pick one though, it'd be Jeter. He doesn't mess with black women, but once you go black, you never go back. Also, I can look at him. I don't think he's model handsome, but I can stand to look at him. Plus he plays sports so he must

    Jay-Zs face is offensive. I'm not a huge fan of Ms. Knowles, but I can say that it must be love. There just isn't enough money in the world...


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