Monday, July 24, 2006

The Daily Conversation With My Temperamental Shower

TAN: *taps shower knob/shoulder* Hi shower. How are you today? I just woke up, but in my dreams I dreamed about you being nice to me. I dreamed of cleansing my soul under your pure waters.

Temperamental Shower (TS): *responds coldly* HMMPHH.

TAN: *flashes infectious smile* Oh, you're always chilly in the morning. But you'll warm up. Please hurry though, I have to get out of here soon.

TS: Get out of my face. I don't care where you think you have to be? Why are you even bothering me? You know I'm not a morning person.

TAN: Come on man. let's not do this today?

TS: Let's not do what??!!? Ni**a, get the f*ck out of my face!! No one would want you anywhere if I didn't rinse your nasty off every day. I'm tired of you taking me for granted.

TAN: You're right. Sorry. I'm just sayin'. Look, I didn't mean to be rude, I'm gonna go back to the bedroom get my towel and stuff, and maybe when I get back you'll be a little more friendly.

TS: Maybe. But I wouldn't go placing any big bets if you know what I'm saying.

TAN: True. ok man, I'll be back. *leaves to fetch towel*

TS: *thinking*

TAN: Ok, I'm back. How you feeling?

TS: Better, I guess. Sorry I was so cold before. You know I'm just a grumpy-pants in the morning. But I'm ready to get it on now.

TAN: excellent. ok, I'm gonna get in.

TS: Cool.

TAN: *enters shower* Any chance we can get through this one without you turning on me?

TS: What are you talking about?

TAN: nothing. forget it.

TS: So where you going today?

TAN: I have two meetings. One with this toy company, about a hip hop line of toys. The other is with this producer who might work with me on my next EP.

TS: Sounds cool.

TAN: Yeah, hopefully they'll be productive meetings.

TS: Oh, you know I have to tell you something.

TAN: what's that?

TS: BURN!!!! BURN NEGRO BURN!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!! FEEL THIS BOILING WATER ON YOUR BACK YOU UNGRATEFUL ASSIMILATED WENCH!!

TAN: ARRRGGHH THE PAIN!! *bangs head on the wall trying to evade scalding water stream*

TS: whoopsy. sorry about that TAN. I don't know what took over me. It's ok now.

TAN: god man, that's what I was talking about before. *feels bump on head* Why do you do that? *reenters shower*

TS: I don't know. It's sort of impulsive, not really pre-meditated you know.

TAN: well it really sucks, I could really get hurt one of these times. I already have a lump on my head.

TS: huh? what did you say?

TAN: I said I could really get hur—

TS: FREEZE BASTARDO!! I DON"T CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY. I AM YOUR SHOWER, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT??? HUH??!!? THAT"S RIGHT, NOTHING!! I AM THE SHOWER AND YOU ARE A PUNY HUMAN! YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO NOTHING BUT FREEZE YOUR ASS OFF!!! THEN LEAVE AND COME BACK FOR MORE TOMORROW!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I"M DONE WITH YOU B*TCH. GET OUT OF HERE.

*shower cuts off*

TAN: A**hole. Can I at least get a little water to rinse the soap from underneath the young and the restless?

TS: You sure you want some?

TAN: No forget it, I'll just leave it there. Ass.

TS: See you tomorrow TAN.

TAN: *raises middle finger* I hate you.

TS: tell me tomorrow. Ciao baby.

and ... scene

20 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. They make medication now, for this type of problem...

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  3. Anonymous7/24/2006

    I bet my shower sucks more than yours, although mine doesn't cut off. is that real?

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  4. Maybe I'm just easily amused, but I laughed out loud at "responds coldly." Awesome.

    My old shower took so long to warm up that I had to turn it on a halfhour or more before I actually got into the shower. Hated that bitch.

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  5. My shower is generally well behaved.

    But the toilet sometimes has territorial aspirations.

    (You really don't want to know, and I try not to think about it.)

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  6. that was fantastic.

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  7. Anonymous7/24/2006

    very funny. nice intro to this blog.

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  8. the young and the restless??
    hmmm...

    that's a stretch.

    (No pun intended.)

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  9. aint a shower a bitch?

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  10. very funny. my favorite thing about my apt. is the shower. it's forceful, but never temperamental.

    big eddie - maybe the temperamental showers are girls. and the forceful but steady ones are guys.

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  11. sarah:

    yeah my shower the kind that choke a bitch when she decides she ain't down for that fresh bbq dinner.

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  12. Anonymous7/25/2006

    that wild and wacky TAN strikes again.

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  13. I think this was actually funny because I know exactly what you are talking about. See you in another six months- kid.

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  14. I figured that my shower had a sister. Now I know where she lives.

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  15. I once received a few stiches in my hand from this type of occurance.

    I tried to show the hot water knob who's boss with a quick right cross. Turned out the knob was boss.

    Who knew?

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  16. I so know what you're talking about. very funny.

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  17. LOL. It's funny because it's true. That shower is a cold/hot hearted bitch, and she don't play. When he says burn, he doesn't mean, "Ahh, this is kinda hot." I've actually had to check my skin for traces of 1st/2nd degree burns. I never knew it was possible for a shower to go from 95 to 200 degrees in 1 second. LOL, that just made my day.

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  18. LMAO...THAT WAS TOO FUNNY

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  19. that one brought tears to my eyes...know that my shower has a twin out there...

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