TAN: *taps shower knob/shoulder* Hi shower. How are you today? I just woke up, but in my dreams I dreamed about you being nice to me. I dreamed of cleansing my soul under your pure waters.
Temperamental Shower (TS): *responds coldly* HMMPHH.
TAN: *flashes infectious smile* Oh, you're always chilly in the morning. But you'll warm up. Please hurry though, I have to get out of here soon.
TS: Get out of my face. I don't care where you think you have to be? Why are you even bothering me? You know I'm not a morning person.
TAN: Come on man. let's not do this today?
TS: Let's not do what??!!? Ni**a, get the f*ck out of my face!! No one would want you anywhere if I didn't rinse your nasty off every day. I'm tired of you taking me for granted.
TAN: You're right. Sorry. I'm just sayin'. Look, I didn't mean to be rude, I'm gonna go back to the bedroom get my towel and stuff, and maybe when I get back you'll be a little more friendly.
TS: Maybe. But I wouldn't go placing any big bets if you know what I'm saying.
TAN: True. ok man, I'll be back. *leaves to fetch towel*
TS: *thinking*
TAN: Ok, I'm back. How you feeling?
TS: Better, I guess. Sorry I was so cold before. You know I'm just a grumpy-pants in the morning. But I'm ready to get it on now.
TAN: excellent. ok, I'm gonna get in.
TS: Cool.
TAN: *enters shower* Any chance we can get through this one without you turning on me?
TS: What are you talking about?
TAN: nothing. forget it.
TS: So where you going today?
TAN: I have two meetings. One with this toy company, about a hip hop line of toys. The other is with this producer who might work with me on my next EP.
TS: Sounds cool.
TAN: Yeah, hopefully they'll be productive meetings.
TS: Oh, you know I have to tell you something.
TAN: what's that?
TS: BURN!!!! BURN NEGRO BURN!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!! FEEL THIS BOILING WATER ON YOUR BACK YOU UNGRATEFUL ASSIMILATED WENCH!!
TAN: ARRRGGHH THE PAIN!! *bangs head on the wall trying to evade scalding water stream*
TS: whoopsy. sorry about that TAN. I don't know what took over me. It's ok now.
TAN: god man, that's what I was talking about before. *feels bump on head* Why do you do that? *reenters shower*
TS: I don't know. It's sort of impulsive, not really pre-meditated you know.
TAN: well it really sucks, I could really get hurt one of these times. I already have a lump on my head.
TS: huh? what did you say?
TAN: I said I could really get hur—
TS: FREEZE BASTARDO!! I DON"T CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY. I AM YOUR SHOWER, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT??? HUH??!!? THAT"S RIGHT, NOTHING!! I AM THE SHOWER AND YOU ARE A PUNY HUMAN! YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO NOTHING BUT FREEZE YOUR ASS OFF!!! THEN LEAVE AND COME BACK FOR MORE TOMORROW!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I"M DONE WITH YOU B*TCH. GET OUT OF HERE.
*shower cuts off*
TAN: A**hole. Can I at least get a little water to rinse the soap from underneath the young and the restless?
TS: You sure you want some?
TAN: No forget it, I'll just leave it there. Ass.
TS: See you tomorrow TAN.
TAN: *raises middle finger* I hate you.
TS: tell me tomorrow. Ciao baby.
and ... scene
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ReplyDeleteThey make medication now, for this type of problem...
ReplyDeleteI bet my shower sucks more than yours, although mine doesn't cut off. is that real?
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm just easily amused, but I laughed out loud at "responds coldly." Awesome.
ReplyDeleteMy old shower took so long to warm up that I had to turn it on a halfhour or more before I actually got into the shower. Hated that bitch.
My shower is generally well behaved.
ReplyDeleteBut the toilet sometimes has territorial aspirations.
(You really don't want to know, and I try not to think about it.)
Hee. "Bastardo."
ReplyDeletethat was fantastic.
ReplyDeletevery funny. nice intro to this blog.
ReplyDeletethe young and the restless??
ReplyDeletehmmm...
that's a stretch.
(No pun intended.)
aint a shower a bitch?
ReplyDeletevery funny. my favorite thing about my apt. is the shower. it's forceful, but never temperamental.
ReplyDeletebig eddie - maybe the temperamental showers are girls. and the forceful but steady ones are guys.
sarah:
ReplyDeleteyeah my shower the kind that choke a bitch when she decides she ain't down for that fresh bbq dinner.
that wild and wacky TAN strikes again.
ReplyDeleteI think this was actually funny because I know exactly what you are talking about. See you in another six months- kid.
ReplyDeleteI figured that my shower had a sister. Now I know where she lives.
ReplyDeleteI once received a few stiches in my hand from this type of occurance.
ReplyDeleteI tried to show the hot water knob who's boss with a quick right cross. Turned out the knob was boss.
Who knew?
I so know what you're talking about. very funny.
ReplyDeleteLOL. It's funny because it's true. That shower is a cold/hot hearted bitch, and she don't play. When he says burn, he doesn't mean, "Ahh, this is kinda hot." I've actually had to check my skin for traces of 1st/2nd degree burns. I never knew it was possible for a shower to go from 95 to 200 degrees in 1 second. LOL, that just made my day.
ReplyDeleteLMAO...THAT WAS TOO FUNNY
ReplyDeletethat one brought tears to my eyes...know that my shower has a twin out there...
ReplyDelete