Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Seal: Self Eponymous And Lazy

So I was looking up the wiki on Seal, thinking about writing a "Seal Guide To Bagging White Women." Seal, of course, might be one of the Rushmore faces for breezie-bagging. Perhaps even more deserving of reverence than Derek Jeter, because well, Derek Jeter has this pretty-boy thing going on, and Seal is just f'ing up what Heidi Klum's child is going to look like.

I never really peeped Seal as an artist. None of his singles were ever particularly compelling for me. And I never knew him beyond "that ni**a with the scars." So checking out his discography I was very amused to discover all his albums have Seal in the name except one. Which is named Human Being. I think the discography almost reads like an Onion piece:

Seal
Seal
(these two alone are ridiculous. It's like, come on son, ... your name, again?!!?!)

Human Being
Seal IV
Best of Seal (1991-2004)
Seal: Live In Paris

Ridiculous, no? I like that when you see the whole catalogue, and the covers, it's clear he would have named every CD "Seal" if left to his own devices. Someone obviously stopped him on the third one, and he was like, "um, ok,... are you sure I can't name it Seal? Hmmm, well how about Seal: Human Being?" They were like, "ok fine, just take out the Seal." Then you know he was probably insistent on the fourth one. They had to compromise and get him to add the number. And of course the Best of and Live album fill out the collection.

How is this allowed though? I can't think of a popular artist who could get away with this level of narcissism (without a blog, no less!). I think because he's black, with craters in his face, he gets a free pass. Also his wife is so hot. He's basically untouchable. He's in his own zone. We all aspire to live a life like Seal. Blessed, Blissed, and unconcerned with the outside world.

A world where all you have to do is be Self Eponymous And Lazy, and f*ck Heidi Klum when she's around.

18 comments:

  1. I think he's gorgeous--soooo sexy--I just wish he'd stop singing.

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  2. stephie you motherfucking blind girl. how the fuck you gonna tell me that this burn victim/puerto rican knife duel victim nigga "gorgeous"???

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  3. I must admit, I've known long before his marriage to Heidi that the breezies just LOVE SEAL!! Seriously, it's crazy but true. I've known a lot of breezies who've had it bad for Seal.

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  4. humorless7/25/2006

    The guy is scarred from lupus.

    Comedy gold!

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  5. I'd do Heidi myself. Seal? not so much...

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  6. Anonymous7/25/2006

    my god. thanks for the heidi klum links. needless to say i will be revisiting your site again. probably tonight

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  7. Seal's alright. He would have been a good looking guy without the scarring. how he got to name all his albums seal is beyond me.

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  8. hi patrice! it's siobhan (shana's friend)! i just started reading your site and it's awesome. congrats! stop in the bar soon...

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  9. It's kinda like George Foreman, isn't it?

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  10. Anonymous7/26/2006

    I wouldn't mind taking his spot.

    George Foreman is not married to Heidi Klum. I'll take her over the grill anyday

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  11. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  12. "Manatee" might be a more appropriate title as I've heard they are often mauled by boat propelers and are very lazy.

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  13. does anyone know what the heck happened to his cheek? or is that a taboo topic?

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  14. klum and seal's theoretical child looks exactly like ashlee simpson. this is not even debatable.

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  15. I make fun of a lot of people, but considering Seal was in a horrible accident, and burnt his face I think he's courageous and it will be really weak of me to say something silly about him.
    He's amazingly talented, and has enough money to have gotten plastic surgery years ago, and no body would have known it ever happened... But he didn't.

    Heidi obviously sees the amazing man he is inside, I doubt she will be the kind of girl to date the average black man... And yes, the average black man will never be as worthy as seal, even on a good day.

    Some people prove that even with all the superficial bullshit in this world, it's possible to be real and happy. Wish them both the best of luck!

    x

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  16. tilda:

    german bitches love that black dick. over and done. one that.

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  17. Correct me if I'm wrong (anyone) but didn't Chicago name all their albums "Chicago"?

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  18. Anonymous9/20/2006

    I think the assimilated negro really wishes he was white. What do you say negro or is it nigger. whatever you are black men.

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