Thursday, July 13, 2006

Spammer's Anonymous

Yo, spam is off the hook right now. They are penetrating every orifice, ... repeatedly. Hold the lube.

Gmail used to do a decent job. Not it appears the Gminchi Code has been cracked.

But I wonder about the people. Being a spammer is bad news right now. The only thing worse might be a pedophile. If Michael Jackson was a spammer instead of a children's-booty-toucher, I bet he'd be in jail right now. Even murder is a crime of passion, it has some grit and integrity to it. The word "spammers" has the same amount of letters as the words "devil worshippers." Ok, that's a lie. But what about the word "cowardice." Just take off the "e" for "ewww a spammer," and you're left with cowar-dic[k], or coward-ic[k] ... either way stay away.

I wonder if children who pray for their kids not to be drug dealers or end up in a coma would rephrase if they knew their child would end up a spammer instead.

There must be spammers among us, no? Riding in our subways, reading at our libraries, eating from our halal chicken-and-lamb vendors. Well no more white sauce and/or barbecue sauce for you spammer!! These days when I first meet people I look them square in the eye and word-for-word I always say, "hi, nice to meet you. unless you're a spammer. Are you a spammer?"

No one ever says yes.

I might, however, stop unsheathing my Hattori Hanzo sword when I pose the question ... I suspect some people are being less than honest.

Do you know any spammers? I bet you don't. Spammers don't come out the house. They don't have children. Or legs. They don't need sunlight. Or love.

What if the Uptown Leatherface was not attacking an innocent bystander, but an eternally damned spammer? Changes your perspective, no? Maybe the victim got a little full of himself and decided since it was three in the morning, he would share that he was a spam-artist (they don't like the term spammers). And then surprise surprise, Tareyton Williams, undoubtedly the owner of an e-mail account, went crazy, got a little bit of The Shining in him and decided that no mail and all spam makes the TW a power-sawing motherfcuker.

You never know.

Anyhoochie, this train of thought was triggered by the oddest spam message I've received in a while:
Subject: This is how I rob banks -- legally!
I 'm sorry, they got me with that one. *clickthrough*
Text: never thought it would be so easy. It's like robbing banks but you'll never go to jail!

So yeah, short story tall, I should be getting the manual in the mail in a couple weeks. I'll be sure to blog about it. It only cost me $500 and five UPC proof of purchase tags off of ... I don't know. [insert product here]

Maybe I'll send this post out to some companies, see if they want some product placement, to reach out to my depraved demographic.


  1. Man I Fucking agree, I hate Spam with a passion does anyone evr click the links?

  2. good post tan. would you like to buy some viagra?

    just kidding.

    no that one you got about robbing banks is funny. and no, i've never met a spammer, at least that I know about.

  3. oh, and there should definitely be a spammer's anonymous to help these people. you didn't get into that much, but good call.

  4. You're right about Gmail. They were good and then suddenly all at once the floodgates were open. I get spam nonstop from them now, especially Asian spam. Right now I'm stringing along one of those Nigerian-scam artists, corresponding back and forth with him to frustrate him by playing really dumb.

  5. I'm glad that I'm not the only one having issues with Gmail spam - not only do they not block the really obvious spam emails, but they don't even remember that I've already labelled emails from places like Old Navy, etc. as spam - they just send them all to my inbox.

  6. Anonymous7/13/2006

    yeah gmail was great. now it sucks like the rest.

    i HATE SPAM!!!!

  7. Hi, my name is heatheradair and I. Am. A. Spammer.

    (put that sword away.)

    I sit in the dark, cozied up as close as I can get to that ever-lovin monitor (mmmm, feel so warm just thinking about it) and shoot meeeeeeellions of emails advertising free ringtones and free women and 50 dinners at Olive Garden and costa rican herbal supplements that will WoW hEr iN bEd LoNgEr Go AlL nIgHt.

    What can I say...I was abused by my penpal in 4th grade and my dad forbid aol chatrooms in middle school and all of that pent up communicative angst forced me to inflict myself upon the innocent email-subscribing public. i wanna make money off of old ladies learning how to use the internet...

    sshhhhh, don't tell anyone...cuz, you know, "God grant me the serenity to send the spam you cannot block,
    courage to overcome the things yahoo sends to junk mail, and wisdom to know the difference."

    it's the spammer's prayer.

  8. Anonymous7/14/2006

    I don't understand people who complain about spam. E-mail is free. Have two accounts like a normal person - one for you to sign up for stuff and one for personal shizzle. If you're smart you'll put one on yahoo and one on gmail and that way you can have virtually the same e-mail address and the same password.

    Also to the girl complaining about Old Navy - that isn't Spam. Just click on the link on the bottom and remove yourself from their mailing list. Legit companies like Gap etc will remove you from your list when you ask for it. You probably got on the list when you purchased something and forgot to uncheck the box asking you to be put on their mailing list.

    Really complaining about Spam is like bitching about the rain and not bringing an umbrella. I never get Spam (except on my Spam Account). It's not that hard to avoid it.

  9. Anonymous7/17/2006

    Its really not that simple fucktard. ^^^^
    I have 5 email accts.
    1 this one is for work only and potential business (very very serious)

    2 family mail (think, yeah noone knows that my real name 'cept family)

    3 money/credit card actts

    4 junk mail (all spam)

    5 friends/acquatence (sp) associates/booty calls

    Guess which one I am getting all the spam lately #3and #1. pisses me off royally sice I never gave the accts out to sellers of fake wathces, handbags or penis enlargment co.

    These are all gmail accts. too.

    sigh...I thought I was exempt.


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