Dear Sir or Madam,
Look, I’m sorry I’m sending this letter a little late. Heaven knows I’ve been late to just about everything in my life, so it’s not for lack of opportunity. But I think the reason for this letter’s lateness is similar to the justification for other latenesses. That is to say, I have an excuse.
I know, I know. No excuses! But if you think about it, life is an excuse. That is to say, life is a reason. Or, everything has a reason. You know? Everything has an excuse. If life sucks, if anything sucks, there’s always a reason, or an excuse. It’s like life equals excuse divided by reason squared. L=E/r2
What I'm trying to say is: I’m late because I care. I'm late because I value every minute. Yours, mine, and everyone we know.
(unless I'm late to a movie, in which case I'm late because movies start so damn late now. Have you noticed this?? It’s like 20 friggin’ minutes of trailers now. And they all suck.)
Maybe if I deconstruct my lateness that could help:
See, when I have to go somewhere I tell my brain, “I have to be at so and so place, at such and such time."
And my brain, a particularly inquisitive brain, then says, “Why so and so? And while we’re here chatting, why such and such?"
Hmmm ... actually scratch that thought.
If you suspected you could die any minute, how would you live your life? I submit you would be constantly late. Because wouldn't you rather soak in the moment than fuss over temporal technicalities?
I know, my dear lateee, that this can be annoying. But it does balance out, and can even work in your favor sometimes. Because once I am in the moment with you, now you are the recipient of my undivided "die anytime" attention. All your precious words and ideas will be pored over, churned in my brain until your every expression is like the product of something that does a lot of churning (butter, for example!). You may even feel like a god.
Well honestly I'd love to say more, but I gotta end this. I'm running late for a meeting, and have some deadlines I'm behind on.
But next time, it's me and you.