Dear TAN: Are Tattooed Epithets Hot?

I once started a neverending interview, but now we're switching to a "Dear TAN" feature. Send your questions/letters to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com.

In this edition: N-Word Tattoos!

Dear TAN,

So my friend has this tattoo. It's your rather traditional heart banner tattoo, y'know, the kinda thing that normally says "Mom" on it, except his doesn't say "Mom", it says "My Niggaz" (In the same font as NWA's Second Album).

He's white.

He claims that the only unfortunate situation he could run into with this tattoo is if he ever wound up in prison, however, I say that he's more or less resigned himself to never being able to score with the hot black girls, because the second the pants come off and they see that on his thigh, it might as well be a big ol' bucket of cold water being dumped on her. He respectfully disagrees. Problem is, both of us being ignorant crackers, neither of us really can speak with a voice of authority on this.

So I now have been putting the question to all my favorite people of color in my life (and as much as I love your blog, I had to ask you.) If you met a nice looking white girl, took her back to your place, clothes come off, and she has a "My Niggaz" heart banner tattoo, do you (in the parlance of our times) stay the course, or cut and run?

Again, love your stuff, keep up the good work.
--
Jackson S. O'Brien
Expert

~~

Dear Jackson,

What a wonderful letter! This kind of note helps keep me regular; it's like Racism Bran, chock full with two scoops of racism. Delicious!

So. There are a few things here. Let's enumerate.

1. White dude with a "My Niggaz" tattoo: First off, any person of any race with a tattoo that says "my niggaz" is -- to be kind -- difficult to take seriously. For one, the tattoo itself sort of makes no sense. If you were in a crew, or gang, or some other organized pack of ne'er-do-wells with a name, that could work. "Thug Life", for example. Or if you want to name or do some drawing of specific "niggaz". But "my niggaz" basically translates to "my friends", and who would tattoo that? It's too general and lame. Tattoo cachet is enhanced by specificity. And I'm not even going to get into the heart banner part of it.

That said, I wouldn't feel compelled to fire 50 shots at a white guy just cause he had that particular tattoo. Of course, I'm not one to get riled up over the n-word, or any word, so it's not to say he might not catch bruises from someone. I do think he's running some risk. But obviously he's "thought" about it (gotta air-quote there for reasons stated in prevous graf), so if he feels strongly enough to man up to the consequences, may god, and his niggaz, bless him.

What's done is done, but if he was just considering the tattoo I would tell him to wait and see if Obama gets elected. If Obama is in, there will be a lot more leeway and tolerance for ignorant ish like that.

By the way, does he know that NIGGAZ stands for Never Ignorant Getting Goals Accomplished. Plus a "Z" for... "huh??". I think Tupac confused acronym with antonym.

Also, I can't believe someone who reads TAN has a friend with the tattoo you describe. Is it ironic? I guess it is a joke that never gets old. I kind of want to hang out with you guys. My niggaz, if you will.

Moving on ...

2. Do hot black girls sleep with idiots?: In my experience hotness trumps ethnic differences. Which is to say while black girls do different things than asian girls who do different things than american white girls; hot is hot, and any hot chick is empowered to do most anything she damn well pleases. Again, as per the first paragraph, I would think your friend is already resigned to not scoring with hot chicks of any sort. Certainly not sober ones. Or ones who can see/read. But mediocre, drunk, blind/illiterate ... my guess is they wouldn't care much.

Honestly, I don't think it matters much with the lady. Sure, you bring that to a Jill Scott/Erykah Badu kind of sistah, and you'll probably have to call Tyrone to save your ass. But a hipster assimilated negress who doesn't care much for the neo-soul sensibility, you should be all good. Well aside from being a dude with an urban translation of "my friends" tattooed somewhere on your body.

3. Does TAN sleep with hot, possibly racist, white girls?: Now as for me ... firstly, for some reason a hot girl with a tattoo sounds a lot more palatable than a hot guy. There's a lot more irony and subtextual intelligence for a female to have a "my niggaz" tattoo than a dude. Or maybe there's just a lot more irony and subtextual intelligence in vaginas in general. Either way, me personally, I would probably have a celebration and ask the girl to marry me on the spot. Any white girl with the balls to do that -- provided she didn't really have balls -- is the unique independent-minded kind of lady I need in my life blog. We could even get his and her "my niggaz" tats, or 4-finger rings or any other urban lifestyle symbol she wanted to appropriate. I'd be down for whatever, knahmean?

Secondly ... I don't know, still fantasizing about the firstly. I guess secondly is if I get a picture of a girl with a "my niggaz" tattoo in my inbox, then you, Jackson Obrien, will be myni**a4life.

Word.

-TAN

Spoofs That Should Be Real: My Black Friend

I dream of a post-racial america where this parody vid on a reality show where black folks compete to be "the black friend" is produced for real.

Stuff White People Like: Ceramic Poodlebutts?

TAN: where's the poodlebutts?

TAN-FAN: http://www.jschatz.com/poodlebutts/poodle3.html

TAN: ahhhh hahahah

TAN-FAN: a fucking g ... for a ceramic poodle butt. at least buff humpty is a nitelite

TAN: i would def go to someone's house and just be sort of casually fondling it, and they'd be like "its a poodlebutt," and i'd get all startled and retract my hands all quick ...
and smell them ...
and leave

TAN-FAN: haha

TAN: a f'ing g ...?
crazy white people...

TAN-FAN: gay white people?

TAN: there are NO black people with poodle butts, even the bougies... actually, i could see some brooklyn bougies having them.

TAN-FAN: and you secretly want one

TAN: my thing is as an artist, how can you take it seriously? How do you make, market, sell ceramic poodlebutts? How does that filter through as legitimate product?
i def want one ...

TAN-FAN: it is crazy. i would feel guilty if even one person bought it at 50 bucks

TAN: like with a straight face ... you can say: ceramic poodlebutt, $1150??

TAN-FAN: ha exactly. but then again you wouldn't consider making poodlebutts for anything other than your personal enjoyment

TAN: I wonder if someone is all hrrumphy about it too, like artsy-fartsy snooty ...
these are the FINEST poodlebutts in all the land!

Pitch Meeting: Obama

TAN: Ok, that Obama speech was huge last night. Historical moment. We need angles, people. The machine is hungry. Funny, deep, crazy, contrarian... what do you got?

TAN2: Well it's a big moment for black people. First black candidate. And the speech was good, almost feels like he has the game locked up.

TAN: true. but everyone's talking about that... what else?

TAN3: We could talk about his speeches. I mean, that's what's so special about him right now. His performance during these speeches.

TAN: Speeches, yeah. Tell me more...

TAN3: Well, I don't know, maybe the President of the United States just needs to give good speeches. The rest is dramatization. With all the money invested in the political machine, once you're in the driver's seat there's only so much you can do. A president is more symbol than true facilitator of change. No matter who's in position.

TAN: Well, we've done this a little bit already, but ...

TAN3: I was sort of motivated to get work done after the speech last night. Do my part to contribute to America, and put my best self forward. That's what good speeches do. The president is the country's motivational speaker. Or should be. And with Obama, he's does it so well. Public speaking as art? He brings back the lost art of grand speeches...

TAN: You have some bits and pieces there, work with that and bring me a couple pages. What else?... don't everyone chime in at once... TAN-slacker, you have any thoughts? I haven't gotten something from you in months. What's up?

TAN-slacker: Sorry, just been crazy recently. I'm working on a good one. But I don't know, I'm not into Obama or politics. It's boring.

TAN: Whatever. Friggin' stoner. Why don't you talk to your stoner friends and find out if Obama is hitting with them? Does the hippie message actually resonate with hippies? Get me some funny stoner-y interviews ... next?

TAN2: Well after the speech, his whole victory lap around the stadium. That was the reaction Bill Clinton used to get, but with an exponent. The guy's a rock star.

TAN: He is a rock star. So?

TAN2: So I don't know, rock stars get privileges, and have certain expectations ....

TAN: eh, move on.

TAN2: I could compare him to other rock/hiphop/celebrity stars and see who gets the most status/cachet for their buck. American Idol, American President or American ... I don't know, Asshole.

TAN: eh....

TAN4: I'm not gay, but I kind of want to have sex with him.

TAN: Yes! Me too! Why?

TAN4: For a president, at least to be voted in, it's all about sex appeal. Bush got in cause, in his way, he was sexy. When voting it boils down to: Do you want to sleep with him? Maybe tough for some of the guys to see, but surely they can see that he's literally like porn for women right now. It's like if you click on "Ebony porn" for youngish proessional American women right now, you're gonna get Obama doing something naughty. He turns them on...

TAN: Ummm ... let's hold on Obama Porn for now.

TAN3: I'm still on speeches... it might be funny if his speechwriter went on strike. His writers are really the ones paying the bills right now. And what if it turned out he was notably inarticulate without his speechwriter[s]. Like Milli Vanilli for politics.

TAN: mmmm ....might be funny, suss that out some more. Explore angles with his speechwriter, that person is hot right now. Can we get more hard info, a resume, a facebook page, anything?

TAN3: Maybe his speechwriter gets so cocky, he breaks camp with Obama and runs for president himself? All you need is the nice speeches, right? Oh! Or maybe he signs with Def Jam and prepares to drop a rap album?

TAN: hmmm, i'm not laughing. But i want to laugh. it does ties in with the other rock star stuff also. don't go crazy but play with it a little.

TAN4: Obama Speech Excites Country, Reignites Sexual Revolution?

TAN: ha ....you're f'ing horny TAN4, make sure you have some sex this weekend .... what else we got?

TAN6: A lifestyle check might be in order: are young black men benefiting from Obamamania? Maybe the clean-cut negroes in the office collecting a few more flirty looks in the office? Yes We Can, baby. Yes. We. Can. Also time for young black professionals to push for that raise? We're all under the spell...

TAN: ha. yes! and don't think about it. go hit the streets and, um, mailrooms, and see what's happening. Grab TAN-Cam and get us some video..... what else??? keep it coming people, the people need content!

TAN5: Well there's that hillary/Obama sex tape rumor.

TAN: Any confirm on whether it's real or not yet?

TAN5: I have the tape, can't quite tell if it's really them. But the tape is hot.

TAN: Get me a copy ... I want to check it out. what else ...??????

Screaming Frog Productions Presents: The Job

This brilliant, hilarious take on "the immigration debate" was circulating around a few months ago sans credits, but now has an official youtube. This was so well executed (and, apparently, presciently written in 2001) that I'm surprised it hasn't hit the million dollar views mark. They got at least another hundred-thousand peepings coming from me. Well done, Screaming Frog.

Oregon, Meet Black People. Black People, This Is Oregon

Sometimes, when I find myself staring out the window like Malcolm X, I wonder if I'm making too much of the "race" thing. There's Obama, Oprah Tyra, Justin Timberlake etc. etc. all proving that our country is so clearly over needing to be introduced to black people. But then you encounter a story like this, where a market in Corvallis, Oregon actually sets up a seeming non-ironic "Meet a Black Guy" booth.

I find it hilarious, and would stop by any Meet A Black Guy booth I encountered. By Any Means Necessary, knahmean? But daaammmm, for real? Oregon needs help like that?

Anywow, back to my window.

"Black Guy" booth livens up market [Corvallis Gazette-Times]

h/t: Wes

Politics: Hoarding Tails for the Donkey

Reading this Times story on Hillary Clinton's victory in Puerto Rico, I think it's clear why she isn't dropping out of the race:

Mrs. Clinton said from San Juan. “I will have won the most votes — more than anyone in the history of the primary process.”

She added: “Senator Obama has a narrow lead in delegates. And we’re going to have to make our case to the automatic so-called superdelegates. And I think my case is clear — more than 17 million people voted for me.

It's all about your record in politics, specifically the soundbyte on what you've accomplished that you can pin your agenda on. If Hillary loses but comes out with the "most votes in history of the primary" or even a number previously unprecedented (but still 2nd to Obama), that's a tail, even in the context of a loss, she can campaign with in the future. This is her life, so it's worth weathering the storm for preserving.

I've wavered with my feelings on Hillary being so bullheaded, but I think I fall on the side of respect in the end. There's no questioning her spunk and intestinal fortitude. And Obamamania will either sweep the country, or -- regardless of her timing -- we'd lose because of a split party.

Clinton Ponders Continuing [NYT]

image

Flashing Lights: Hot Chicks Have Feelings Too?

The wise wiki says Kanye West created three versions of the Flashing Lights video. The third version was the final one they released, and the spin from 'Ye and Co. is all about it being high concept and loaded with hidden Meaning and Metaphors etc:



The second video version is out now, perhaps it can further enlighten us to what Kanye Is Saying:

About TAN: Quotable Nietzsche

Nietzsche would make an hot speech writer, he and Obama would form a nice 1-2 punch. (Incidentally, one of the TAN Commandments is: thou shalt place no gods before Sir Homey Friedrich Nietzsche. Holla!):

Maintaining cheerfulness in the midst of a gloomy task, fraught with immeasurable responsibility, is no small feat; and yet what is needed more than cheerfulness? Nothing succeeds if prankishness has no part in it. Excess strength alone is the proof of strength.

A revaluation of all values: this question mark, so black, so huge that it casts a shadow over the man who puts it down — such a destiny of a task compels one to run into the sunlight at every opportunity to shake off a heavy, all-too-heavy seriousness. Every means is proper to do this; every "case" is a case of luck. Especially, war. War has always been the great wisdom of all spirits who have become too introspective, too profound; even in a wound there is the power to heal. A maxim, the origin of which I withhold from scholarly curiosity, has long been my motto:

Increscunt animi, virescit volnere virtus.
["The spirits increase, vigor grows through a wound."]

Another mode of convalescence (in certain situations even more to my liking) is sounding out idols. There are more idols than realities in the world: that is my "evil eye" upon this world; that is also my "evil ear." Finally to pose questions with a hammer, and sometimes to hear as a reply that famous hollow sound that can only come from bloated entrails — what a delight for one who has ears even behind his ears, for me, an old psychologist and pied piper before whom just that which would remain silent must finally speak out.

This essay blog — the title betrays it — is above all a recreation, a spot of sunshine, a leap sideways into the idleness of a psychologist. Perhaps a new war, too? And are new idols sounded out? This little essay blog is a great declaration of war; and regarding the sounding out of idols, this time they are not just idols of the age, but eternal idols, which are here touched with a hammer as with a tuning fork: there are no idols that are older, more assured, more puffed-up — and none more hollow. That does not prevent them from being those in which people have the most faith; nor does one ever say "idol," especially not in the most distinguished instance. (ed.: what about American Idol?, Nietzsche: d'oh!)

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

(spit that fire, son!)

I'll Beat The Good Humor Out Of You

From the Times:

Summer is more than a month away, but the ice cream wars have already begun. In neighborhoods across the city, skirmishes are breaking out over which franchise can sell its wares on which route. And the tension between the city’s purveyors of ice-cold treats can at times be thicker than a Chipwich.

There have been harsh words, hurt feelings and even bloodshed between competitors. In 2004, a couple in their 60s who owned and operated two ice cream trucks were ambushed in the Bronx and beaten with an oversized wrench. The motive, the police said, was the couple’s ice cream route. A rival ice cream salesman was charged with assault and sentenced to 10 years in prison.

Bloodshed? Oversized-wrench beatdowns?? Jail time???

Seriously?

No more Mr. Softee, I guess. Now it's ... oh I can't bring myself to it, but I'm open to suggestions on hard-rock gangsta names for the ice cream crips-and-bloods set. Also: photoshop anyone?

Ice Cream Truck War Revs Up [NYT]

About TAN: 5/14

Hi there,

I'm putting this updated About TAN up since I'm getting e's and facebook messages asking me why I'm being so slow/lazy/negligent. Also people asking whether I'm male or female, black or white etc., which I think would be patently clear, but you never know who lurks behind the computer so I'll take the chance to put up a refresher pic-- that's me picking my nose on the right. I also revolutionized the blog photo shoot a couple years ago. So there's that.

Basically things have been slow as I'm trying to get the proposal done for The Greatest Book On Race Ever, and it's literally taking me longer than the Civil Rights movement (someone needs to firehose me and send in the attack dogs!). It's just with a title like that there's obviously much hand-wringing and consternation, plus I'm having trouble finding someone to write it for me on craigslist. Also, I'm slow and dim-witted, soooo there you go.

So friends I've been ignoring: my apologies (but that's what friends are for, right?). Editors who I owe or have promised letters and words for: umm, they're coming? Thank you for bearing with me. (incidentally, editors who would be interested in TGBORE (emphasis on BORE) can contact me via the email on the sidebar, I will put you on The List and highlight your name in melanin. I'll also get rid of all the double parentheticals in edit. Promise.) Random readers who are neither friends nor editors: look, I have friends and know editors! Yay!

Hmmm, what else? I have abandonment issues, so please don't leave me. I'll be back soon. Like maybe even tomorrow. And I have a slave ship full of links and content waiting to be released from their chains; just have to whip them into shape a little more.

(another aside: in thinking about my abandonment issues it occurs that negroes in general might have abandonment issues, like we got picked up and thought we were going to play bumper boats with the white people or something and then, not so much (cf. slavery), so now we're sort of socially adept but distant, not capable of the full love/embrace. We're still all clingy with american mainstream culture, and feel nervous when it looks like caucasians are bailing on us (looking at you West Virginia). Anyhuh, still whipping this particular negro-thought into shape, but was wondering why I don't see more reference to the disorders blacks collectively might suffer from as a result of the period of abuse in this country.)

Not sure how to segue here ... Look! Barbara Walters slept with a black guy! bwahahahahahahahahaha. Ahhhh, it's funny cause it's true.

Ok. Be back soon. Really! I never lie when I'm wearing my seersucker shorts by a pool in Vieques (don't hate the player, hate the blog. and the prep school).

xo

Onward, Upward, Etc. Etc.

I should be getting in the blogger roundtable mix on NPR News & Notes sometime soon. This will be take 2 for TAN getting in the NPR cipher, last time was a learning experience (I still owe you a call Michel; I'm an awesomely confused negro idiot is the long and short of my message though) ... so anypr, should be fun, and I'll update w/ specific dates and times as apropos, but icon below is linked so you can always use that and search around.

Why We Wear Baggy Jeans

Nick over at Gawk does a good job debunking this viral video, which I think as of his and this posting is not publicly acknowledged as a stealth viral video campaign for Levi jeans, but should be soon. If it is an ad there's a definite missed opportunity to corner the negro market cause obviously this is why we wear baggy/saggy pants. And, obviously, we choose a brand based on how easily it is to jump into them. So instead of the token faux-hawked negro (which as I've pointed out before are the reason why some caucs think they'd rather go negro than lose tivo) and some hipster-gymnasts doing nonsensical acrobatics w/ pogo sticks and what not, which no one in real life can relate to, you could have some real hood negroes who, y'know, are jumping out of bed trying to avoid baby mama drama, or out of a car trying to avoid 50 shots from the po-po, or whatever else we do on a typical Saturday night. And then you'd have us lining up for your jeans faster than if Lebron James wore them in his last playoff game and changed his name to "Tommy Hilfiger in the mid-90s" and they came with a free amateur-rapper myspace account. And a lifetime supply of Tims. And rims. Shout out to Mims! Damn, it makes me wanna freestyle (or at least beatbox) just thinking about it. Holla at ya boy, Levi's. Let's make it happen.

Dear TAN: White Girlfriends And The Seeds of Discontent

I once started a neverending interview, but now we're switching to a "Dear TAN" feature. Send your questions/letters to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com.

In this edition: White Girlfriend Ressentiment! (ressentiment is a word, perhaps, we could use more often?)

Dear TAN,

I hope your February isn't too cold! (You know how we don't like the cold.) [ed. note: yes this is old, d'oh!] I thought I'd drop you a line, soliciting some insight from a fellow partially assimilated negro.

I'm beginning to see feelings of resentment growing in my soul against my white girlfriend.

But I think it's more disdain for the white privilege from which she comes and its manifestations in her life.

Bemusedly,

DPW

~~

Dear Redacted,

Ahh, that old canard of caucasian coquettes and their craved kunta-kintes ... I know it well, my friend. Unfortunately, for your questions, easy answers there are none. A road map to Racial, Peaceofmind there is not, young jedi-negro. All I can tell you is where the hot hipster chicks hang out so you can get a new one.

But firstly we should confirm what we do know: White Privilege has everything to do with feelings about your White Girlfriend. Thats why we're using capital letters. If you're still wondering about that I'd say you should just reference her as "White Girlfriend" for a week or so, just for conditioning purposes. I mean what's the point of having one if you're not going to remember what she is, knahmean?

Moving on ... in the setup for your letter, I use the word "ressentiment," and that's not just my hip hop spelling of resentment. As the wise wiki above tells us they're two related but distinct terms, and I think very relevant to us assimilateds trying to manage the white angst (wangst?) dilemma.

Since I prefer to spit my Nietzsche to fine mamacitas in the wee hours over wine I won't really get into it now *cough* but Friedrich has a lot of real talk for black folk. And the long and short is ressentiment is about creating an object and subsequent morality out of being poorly treated. In the wiki they use a quote about birds of prey and lambs saying birds of prey may pick on the lambs, but it doesn't mean they dislike or hate the lambs, in fact quite the opposite, they think they're delicious. Meanwhile the lambs are sort of like F these birds, birds suck, we should get organized and start a F Birds revolution. This psychology is seen often with the black/white stuff because smart black people are always wringing their hands over whether we should be hating on The Man and engaging in the resistance, or seeing a brighter side etc. It translates well with the White Girlfriend issue because the White Girlfriend is more ostensibly not an enemy. Their weapons are fair-skin, blowjobs and cashmere vaginas (actually I think all girls have the latter two) so what's to revolt against ....?

Anywhite, I don't know if this helps you at all, but if you babble about this to your White Girlfriend she probably won't know what you're talking about, and you'll feel superior, and then maybe oral sex will ensue, and voila: no more resentment. The ressentiment might remain though.

Good luck!

-TAN

Grand Theft Auto V: Children With Attitude

Here's some nice fodder for those arguing that Grand Theft Auto is going to destroy the planet. Of course with a 7-year-old black kid stealing and driving an SUV (his gradma's) you'd prob be inclined to blame the hippity-hoppity too, but I don't think that works here. Stealing cars, err carjacking, has been played out in hip hop (and jazz!) for a while now.

Incidentally will GTA IV be available on the Wii system? That'll be fun.