Monday, April 17, 2006

Devil's Advocate: Global Warming

In my 100 things list I submit that I can argue for or against any position, except pro-Bush.

I also recently started a column for "Player Magazine" called "The Devil's Publicist." (pick up my first issue May 2nd)

So with that in mind I'm starting a regular "Devil's Advocate" feature on TAN. Using the blog to explore ideas for the print column.
I hope the idea/premise is self-explanatory.

We're going to start with the subject of global warming. To which I say:

If You Can’t Take The Heat, Get Off Of The Planet

I’ve decided I’m pro global warming.

This is not to say I'm suspicious of the idea and its purported consequences. I do believe human activities are responsible for an increase in global temperature. I also believe the temperature increase is causing damage to our natural environment. I believe the planet is warming, and I believe that warming is indicative of our parasitic effect on the world around us. We are in fact destroying our world. I believe that wholeheartedly. And I'm down with the program.

Ultimately, what I’ve decided is that I also believe in people. I’m pro human. And the basis of my decision is that I support people, more than I support “the globe.” I’m not going to be coy about it anymore. Fuck the world! Not the people mind you, but the world. I mean, I don’t technically DESIRE for the world to go bye-bye, but if it’s us or the world in a steel-cage deathmatch, then hasta la vista planet. I’ll take my chances on Mars. I believe in people that much.

Frankly, if we want to destroy the world, that is our fucking volition. Those who can, do. Those who can't, hold protest rallies and sign petitions. Until this glorious day I didn’t understand the genius of George Bush. We mock him, but really we just don’t understand him, we don’t comprehend his genius. He’s a modern day Nietzsche. Will To Fucking Power. Fuck You, I Am America, Hear Me Roar!! We could learn something from that. We have to believe in ourselves. No matter how egregious the error, we can overcome it.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. I ain’t scared of no “hot planet.” As far as I’m concerned if this Global Warming really takes off, all that’s going to happen is a new "Super-Hottt" remix of the Nelly song,“It’s Getting Hot In Here.” Then maybe microwave technology will be put in a time capsule and laughed at. And the guys who walk on hot coals will become best selling authors and consultants. The point being … we can handle it. We’ve got our media, we’ve got our computers, we’ve got ourselves. We have our brains, our desire, our will power. We have porn. We have the New York Mets. We have all sort of drugs. To be afraid of global warming is to be afraid of a challenge. You think Pfizer can't come up with a pill to help us cope with global warming? Who knows what form evolution will take. All we really need is a vision of the future that incorporates global warming. For example, no more turtlenecks, Northface puffy jackets, or UGGS boots.

What if, instead of using all our research and development to figure out alternative fuel, we use it to research and prepare for living in a world with a hot-ass environment. So what if the jungle becomes a swamp? And the swamp becomes, I don’t know, something worse than a swamp. So what? If some animals die, so what? Species have ceased to exist before. Others have continued on. Do we really miss the Dodo bird? What worldview is this where I have to concern myself with saving some cute furry creature who’s to stupid to get a real job and move out the forest. They’re supposed to be excused because they’re animals?? We live in a world where we prioritize personal responsibility and accountability. So I say, handle your business cute furry animal, or become gloves, … or a fur-lined condom.

We must expand our horizons. Change happens. And the beauty of life is we don’t know exactly what will change, and what the ramifications will be. But we always adapt. Holocausts, World Wars, Slavery, we’ve survived those natural disasters. We can laser fat, clone, and transplant faces. We can't handle a little heat?

We have to trust our instincts. Sure we want to think about our actions, and try to make wise decisions. And I can certainly understand people thinking the destruction of our planet is a little short-sighted. But we also want to be diligent about maintaining a perspective that doesn’t shortchange our own potential. To be afraid of global warming lacks ambition. The greater the challenge, the greater the reward.

What if we warm the globe, and because our bodies can’t stand the heat it inspires us to mentally project ourselves into some new "cooler" dimension. Thus global warming would have brought upon a new era of human existence. Sometimes when evil busts a nut, good comes of it (holla!).

If global warming becomes an immediate danger to our existence, then we will naturally combat it. We have it on our radar now. It's not going to surprise us. And even if it does surprise us and wipe a bunch of us out. Then hey, lesson learned. Mistakes are part of the process. Obviously a few of us will stick around to repop the planet. And if you look like Jake Gyllenhaal your odds are a little better than the rest of us.

I say bring it all on!! Bring on global warming, bring on AIDS, bring on obnoxious hipsters. There is no mountain we can’t climb. If the above happens, we adapt, evolve and become self-cooling, AIDS-repellent obnoxious-hipster killers. RARRRR!! And guess what, if you don't have faith, if you're scared, then you deserve to die from overexposure to UV rays like the little pansy you are.

Natural selection baby. We're taking evolution into our own hands. And if you can't take the heat, you WILL get off of the planet. One way or another.

Thus spach TANathustra.


  1. Someone else who thinks like I do. Way to go.

  2. Anonymous4/17/2006

    reasonable argument TAN. what doesn't kill us makes us stronger? of course it may kill us, but luckily its not in our lifetime mostl ikely anyways

  3. Anonymous4/17/2006

    TANathustra - that's funny shit.

  4. Anonymous4/17/2006

    Mr. Sunbeam: [in movie.] Hello, Earth! Just poppin' in to brighten your day! [He hums a tune.] And now I'll be on my way!

    [He walks away from the Earth but is stopped by a gas in a black jacket.]

    Gas: [in movie] Not so fast, Sunbeam! We're greenhouse gases. You ain't goin' nowhere!

    [More gases arrive and they beat up Mr. Sunbeam.]

    Mr. Sunbeam: [in movie] Ooh! Ah! Oh, God, it hurts!

  5. Okay, TAN. Say what you want, but if you were a pale whitey you'd be hummin' a different tune! Black folks may get ashy, but y'all don't ever look like this:

  6. Anonymous4/17/2006

    yeah carolyn has it, this global warming is much more of an imperative for us caucasians TAN ...

  7. agreed. The whole global warming crisis might just be a ploy because if it does happen only those with enough melanin will survive. It's gonna be like Africa all over the globe. That's hot to speak.

  8. Anonymous4/17/2006


    If the goal is to get seriously edgy on this one, you might throw in the weather-effect thing (coastal cities) and the effects on people who live closer to the edge (third world subsistance farmers, for example).

    Drawing a few Ice Age parallels might be good, too.

    Sort of depends how far you want to take this one.

  9. You didn't include the fine argument put forth in this movie, The Arrival. Charlie Sheen discovers that global warming is being furthered by aliens who wish to terraform our planet into one more conducive to their needs. They like it hot-hot-hot.

    Damn, I love that movie.

  10. Anonymous4/17/2006

    Again, very funny TAN.

    I agree that if you "...look like Jake Gyllenhaal your odds are a little better than the rest of us (of repopulating the planet)."

    However, if you ACT like Jake Gyllenhaal viz. "Brokeback Mountain", then your chances of repopping the planet are somewhat diminished.

  11. Anonymous4/17/2006

    TAN--amen. That was one sweet read.

  12. Son, you stomped right in my backyard!!!! Pomfret, ha, that's funny--where all the black people at??

  13. Anonymous4/18/2006

    "So I say, handle your business cute furry animal, or become gloves"

    I believe that scores a -876,000,000.073 on the "Is This Politically Correct?" test.

  14. Anonymous4/18/2006

    Shut the fuck up. Yeah, maybe you'll get off alright with just a little bit more heat in the summer and a tad bit colder winters, but a couple hundred years down the line the earth could be fuckin unlivable.

  15. HA! I just found your bl*g, & I'm lovin it.

    I'm Indian, btw, so I think I can survive the global warming too. I don't needs no sunblock. Bring it on!

  16. Anonymous4/22/2006

    Take a gander at Michael Crichton's book "State of Fear" it's fiction but it's annotated.

  17. Canada in the house.
    I defiantly notice a change in the weather here; this past winter was the warmest I’ve seen in years.
    This past January was about 20 degrees, when it should be around -15 to -25

    I welcome the new dawn.

    .....Nice Blog.

  18. Anonymous1/27/2007

    It is funny you think we can kill the world. Unless we blow the fucker up, we will not kill it. However we will make in inhospitable and shoot ourselves in the foot. And the world would be a better place with us gone.



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