Sunday, December 30, 2007

"It's Not Wu-Tang Beef, It's Just GZA"

Wow, I might be through knocking 50 Cent. That's a funny, smart dude right there. He's not an "artist" or whatever; he makes formula music. But as he says time and time again, that's his business approach. In any event, he's still willing to throw daggers at people, which for the most part is the upside of rapper entertainment in hip hop -- rappers are celebrities who don't go the politically-correct route. So this clip here has 50 retaliating to a clip I posted a week ago or so by GZA of the Wu.

GZA's a smart guy too, so I'm sort of hoping he'll have yet another clip up by next weekend. A little flame-war with 50 would def. be good for business, and might provide a little lrical inspiration also. Stay tuned.

via: WSHH

GZA Calls out 50 and Soulja Boy

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Mediocre Black Chick Reconditioning Program

So a few days ago I was out with a black girl and as is wont to happen when black guys hang out with black girls the conversation turned to the subject of interracial relations, and specifically about my (and my TAN-kind) presumed hearting of white girls.

I was taken aback because my presumed pedestalizing of caucasian women was under attack before I even had the chance to raise my usual defenses, like my Quest for Claire Huxtable post, and ummm ... that's it. Sans any legit evidence, I was already labeled: Guilty. Granted the "White Girls #1" gold chain around my neck (I made the switch from African medallions in the late 90s) serves as a little bit of a cue, but I still think in these murky racial waters benefit of the doubt should at least be offered like a life preserver, before you deflate it with your socio-political darts.


UPDATE: when I posed this "MBC Reconditioning Program" as a response to her gripe with black guys and MWCs I was told there's no such thing as a mediocre black chick. Truuue. So, oh well, back to she-males for me.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

If It's Bad For This Dude, Then I Am Definitely Sh*t Out Of Luck

So this research programmer scientist dude does some math to figure out the pool of eligible smart, beautiful women for him to date/wife-up is 18, 726. This is in the world. Now this is an old link, he made the calculations circa 2000, so figure on population growth alone he's at least up to 20,000. I'm also presuming this is a white guy cause I'm pretty sure there were no black research/programmer/scientist dudes online before 2000. Could be Asian, but his name is Tristan Miller.

So if I start with his dating pool of 20K. Then for me as a black guy we have to cut that in half to account for all the white chicks who don't date black guys. So we have 10,000. Then we have to cut it in half again for the black chicks who won't date a black guy who would date the white girls who do go out with him. So now we're at 5,000. Then lop off another 50% for all assorted chicks who won't touch a guy willing to byline as "The Assimilated Negro." Now we're at 2,500. Blogger, 1,250. Penis-size, 625. Misogynist, 312.5 (that half is a she-male). Figure I've dated 100 girls, and they've all passed... so looks like I'm left with 212 girls and a she-male to try out in the next 50 years of my life or so. And I haven't even gotten into Mets-hating Yankee fans, alcoholism, or my other personal personality quirks, all of which suck.

So yeah, it's not looking good. Might as well cut to the chase and bring on the she-male to see if we get along.

(she-males: please don't e-male me to complain about me being a transgenderist or transvestitist or whatever .... I get it, you'll pass too. Thanks.)


via: NYTimes Laughlines

Blacked Up

So I was totally going to forward this on to the film director making the mainstream sorta-juvenile sorta-adult-inspirational comedies from a black perspective, cause this sketch is sooo smart, and soooo funny, and, like, obviously the black director is going to be getting backlash about his black Knocked Up and black Superbad films. But then I realized the only black comedic director we have is ....ummmm .... Tyler Perry? sigh.

Seriously, this is funny, but WTF? Can we get someone besides the Wayans to do a black comedy? Why does Judd Apatow have this "Comic Sensibility" on lockdown? I'm sure if we have a summit of all the black comedic talent in America we can come up with the 40-Year Old Black Virgin or Superblack or something. If black is passé, I will accept Asian or Latino or whatever as well. Just give me one friggin' decent alternative. Thanks.

via Wired

Monday, December 24, 2007

Nah Negro: A Crazy Black Man Splits in Brooklyn

Freedom of expression is a wonderful thing. All together now: GIVE US FREE!!!!!!

One can only hope dude got some nuts and a new outfit or two for xmas. And here's hoping the xmas tree in your living room is as wonderfully decorated. Happy Holidays!

photo via: Dlisted

Thursday, December 20, 2007

I'd Like To See You Walk A Mile In My Sh*t

I have limited knowledge on the real science behind Tourette Syndrome, but I was recently made aware of thetourettesguy web site, and sent their "best of" clip. It's definitely amusing, despite the pang of guilt you get wondering if you're laughing at a sick person. Also, word on the inter-streets is the main attraction, Danny, apparently passed away in August. So that's sad. Of course the site offers a disclaimer about his actions not being consistent with most Tourette Syndrome sufferers, so maybe he's still alive, and fully normal, and just caking off this routine. You never know these days. But sick or not he seemed to have no qualms about his "excitable personality" being used for entertainment. So here's a montage of the Tourettes Guy, it's sort of loud and very NSFW with the language, so fair warning... and don't talk sh*t about Total:

thanks: Mo

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Stevie Wonder Concert Report: Part 2

A few weeks ago Stevie Wonder performed at Madison Square Garden in New York City, and The Assimilated Negro was lucky enough to have a ticket ...

Part 1 of the report is here.

Overjoyed: "Though you don't believe that they do, dreams do come true ...." The meat of Stevie's show is pretty much a dream sequence. He delivers non-stop classic jam after jam, and concerns about timeliness/relevance were unfounded. Stevie is classic and for all times and occasions. And he performed every song with the perfect balance of familiar rhythm and live improvisational riffing.

By the time we were in the heart of the 2 1/2 hour set, the place is a full on church. All the vendors and ushers are dancing and bobbing as they carry refreshments and direct people to their seats. Everyone stands and cheers when the next song starts up. They're serving beer and booze and many are partaking and it's a Stevie Gon Wild party for sure. There were even a couple white college-aged college girls acting sloppy sorority drunk right in front of us, which I think made the "party vibe" official.

Stevie weaves in and out of his songs pretty seamlessly, occasionally breaking in to drop some background. His longest story was about him meeting a girl backstage when he was 16. Her name was Marsha. And he's hinting at how he already has a sexual ego at that age, and so he's hitting on this girl, and telling her to meet him in his hotel, but then she brings her mom, and he's all disappointed, and it's compounded by his manager at the time embarrassing him by telling everyone he has to be in bed by 11. After the hook-up gone wrong he tells her to come to the show the next night and writes a song for her in the interim. He plays it for her and she likes it but still demurs from his 16-year old advances. I don't understand how a female could resist a young Stevie, especially if he writes a song for you, and from the sound of it he doesn't either. But the song he wrote ends up being Mon Cherie Amour.

Later when leaving the show a drunk guy starts talking to us and confesses he thought the story was about a 16 year old girl and an older Stevie Wonder. So while he loved the concert he apparently was struggling with reconciling Steve Wonder as a pedophile/child molester. Which would indeed change the timbre on a number of his songs. Phew. We lost Michael, we couldn't lose Stevie to the kiddie-love.

"Signed, Sealed Delivered" was another song that got an extended moment. Cutting the song short in the middle he starts explaining how he thinks it's a jam that still "has life in it" and proceeds to set up a country western version. Which was awesome and a legitimate remix.

Stevie performs the uptempo version of "For Once In My Life," which I've discussed as my preference to the ballad, he then shares how he first heard the song from a singer he always admired and that singer was there tonight. As the band slows down, out comes Tony Bennett and they go into their Grammy award winning version of the song. It was a great crowd moment, especially for the Caucasians, but I still like Stevie's version better.

Ribbon in the Sky: Stevie was able to drop out of songs at will and the audience always picked up the lyrics without missing a beat. But the biggest crowd interaction moment came during "Ribbon in the Sky." Stevie performed most of the song then broke it down and starts orchestrating the crowd:





I want you to sing this .... then he gets into a jazzy "there's a ribbon in the sky" melody.

He goes through it a couple times and the girls hold it down pretty much flawlessly. Now it's time for the fellas:





I need y'all to say "the ribbon ..... the ribbon ... ooh-ooh ah ah ... the ribbon."

Admittedly the guy riff was more of a change of pace from the original song, and ooh-ooh-ah-ah was tricky as far as straightforward easy-to-sing musical sections go. Also the ah-ah part is not sung, it's more throaty, kind of like the ahhhh-teeth suck in Push It by Salt & Pepa. In any event the guys kept botching up the ooh-ooh-ah-ah part. And to his credit, Stevie tries to coddle them along ( I was too busy reviewing their performance to participate). You could see he didn't want to hate on everyone, but he would be remiss to accept what they were doing as up to snuff. So he goes through it a few times, and on pass 4 or 5, just when it seems he would have to give up the guys get it down. He then gets everyone to do their parts at once and ..... it's ok. I'm sure it wasn't how he envisioned, but I'm amused that it might be the last musical challenge left to Stevie, orchestrating a crowd of 15-20K strange people to get a nice harmony section going.

You & I: You & I might be my favorite Stevie song. At the least, my favorite ballad. And as a single guy in NYC, the song, and Stevie himself bring to mind some more philosophical questions:

1.What is unconditional love to Stevie? I think Stevie's bread and butter is the song about infinite undying unconditional love. And usually it's directed toward that special someone. But Stevie has multiple baby mommas out there. So even he serves as a reminder to love's imperfection. Stevie's got love for everyone. And for his lover or partner that must be heartbreaking at times. But what are you gonna do? Hate on Stevie? Makes you realize Stevie, despite writing the most traditionally romantic love songs, might be the archetype for the ultimate philanderer. You could catch him in the bed, and all he's gonna do is start singing Overjoyed, or You & I, or Golden Lady and you have to forgive, you have to forgive. He could do this to women across the globe; he has that much love to give. Play on playa.

2. Can Stevie get angry? Along the same line as Pimp Stevie, its hard to imagine Mr. Wonder as a grumpy pants. But he must get irritable sometimes. This youtube [LINK, can't find it now, sorry] has some producers testifying that they had to rile him up to get the gritty edge for "Living in the City." What a funny idea. How does one get under Stevie's skin? Do you make blind jokes?

3. Who's taking the torch? Are there no contemporary Stevie Wonders out now? I think the closest bet is R Kelly, which is fairly hilarious. Some are talented, but it seems the humanity and consciousness in large part is gone. Less inspired, and with less morality. It's kind of like how Kobe might be better than Jordan on a technical level, but lacks that special transcendent unifying power that makes all the difference in the world.

As: Finally as we're getting towards the end of the set, Stevie gets into the classic Superstition. And in the middle of the song he mentions that Prince might be on location. As opposed to Tony Bennett whom he announced, this one is premised as a possibility. But everyone begins looking around and at each other in anticipation. Prince??!?!?!!? Next thing you know the girl man himself comes out and grabs a guitar. And heads begin exploding around the stadium. He didn't actually do that much razzle dazzle. Sort of joined in on the song, and then did a quick couple riff minutes at the end, and then stepped off. But yeah, Prince came out, and that's all that matters when you tell people.

Stevie closes with the song "As," one of my favorites, and after Prince got everyone excited I was primed for the closer of all closers. The song itself on the album is extended with a building crescendo and I was just ready for Stevie to go crazy. But mid-song he breaks off and does the band intros and thanks everyone and blesses his mother and then heads off. The crowd was definitely a little bewildered. Would there be an encore? Was he coming back out? He had to be, 2 1/2 hours felt like he barely scratched his portfolio. But next thing you know the lights came on and that was it.

During those parting words he also called out people who can't help but hate and said the "haters could die and go to hell." And honestly I gasped because I couldn't believe Stevie Wonder was hating on anyone. Even haters. It felt so unlike Stevie who obviously would love anyone when they were in his presence. Especially females. But I guess in his old age he's getting a little cranky. It shows he's human. But I can't front, it made me a little sad to see him directing hate at anyone. It's like if God came down and started bitching about Britney Spears and her underpants or something. You can't believe they'd come down to that level.

With the lack of an encore and the unexpected haterade as the only two caveats to what was the best concert experience of my life, it stands that I remain prostrate at his throne and will remember this show ... always.

What Remix is This?

I feel a lil embarrassed that I love this so .... but I do. I don't know if I've mentioned it yet, but I think Feelin' on ya booty should be our national anthem:

Saturday, December 15, 2007

GZA Putting Cornballs On Blast

GZA calling out Soulja Boy and 50 Cent. "Wu-Tang is forever..."

And the follow-up. For clarification all GZA said was, "50 Cent don't got motherf**kin' lyrics" Don't misconstrue it.

via: World Star Hip Hop
Previously on Wu-Tube:
Why The F*ck You Want Me To Rap About A Dinosaur

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Sean Taylor: Takeaways

With the Vick sentencing, and now the Mitchell Report about to be released, the Sean Taylor story has been pushed to the margins by the same voracious news cycle that cast a shadow on the original tragedy via its need for quick commentary. I've collected some of the reaction and backlash in this article for Ebony, and noted some ideas for moving forward.

I'll probably follow-up with an additional link-dump as there was plenty more fodder, specifically columns and posts that spoke to the emotional core of the story and lesson of hope.

More Lessons To Be Learned
RIP Sean Taylor [EbonyJet]

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Dear TAN: Miscegenation Sunblock

I once started a neverending interview, but now we're switching to a "Dear TAN" feature. Send your questions/letters to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com.

In this edition: Sex with black people will be mandatory for human survival!

Dear TAN,

Hey hi.

Heard something I hadn't thought of before the other day in Anat and Physio class.... that made me think of you....

I suspect you've already thought about it, but just in case....

White folks have more or less paved the way to wrecking the earth's UV protection layer...
White folks are the in the worst position melanin-wise to survive this change.
Which leads me to two thoughts...

1. This puts dark-skinned, oppressed peoples at a beautiful advantage to inherit the scalding earth.

2. And, watch out, because we whiteys are gonna wanna breed darker.

The new sunblock for the future: unprotected sex with the melanin endowed.

I heard Bob Marley died of skin cancer of the toe... prolly because he had a white dad, and was stubborn.

Morals from a purely longrange, survival-of-the-fittest point of view:

1. If you're white, get over racism.
2. If you're black, I don't know, get racist.
3. If you're mixed, don't be stubborn if you start getting wanky growths that look like skin cancer.

Hope you're thriving.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Chasing History: Jay-Z & Charlie Rose

"Chasing history" has been Jay-Z's driving mantra basically since The Black Album, which is to say since Kingdom Come flopped (for him). I think we're going to be digging into J and his legacy/plan sometime in the near future (in a good way). But in the meanwhile, in between styles, if you have 60 minutes to kill here's video of Charlie-Hov doing the talking thing. It gets good about the 55 minute mark. No, I'm kidding, that was a joke, and a damn good one at that .... if you like Charlie or Sean or hip hop or interviews the whole thing is pretty good. They talk slow so you can run it in the background while doing other stuff too .... I don't understand how Charlie resisted the temptation to hold up the "Roc" sign for the whole interview though. That's disappointing.

Stevie Wonder Concert Report: Part 1

A few weeks ago Stevie Wonder performed at Madison Square Garden in New York City, and The Assimilated Negro was lucky enough to have a ticket ...

For Once In My Life: Before heading to Stevie Wonder's concert I asked on my blog what the appropriate outfit might be. Concerts are always a little weird for choosing an outfit because you're going to a special event, so you want to dress up, but it's music, and you're going to "jam" and "groove" and "be chill" so you don't want to overdress.

With a Stevie Wonder concert you also have to negotiate the appropriate reverence (no shredded or torn clothes; this means you, white people & hipster-punk negroes), as well as the full age spectrum of Stevie's audience, which is basically from newborn - to old guys being wheeled in as their last dying request. So while I only have two outfits regardless, I thought the matter demanded some extra consideration.

As I say in that post, I ascribe Stevie Wonder no lesser value than proof of god's existence, but despite his godliness, I wasn't sure what a concert of his would be like. Michael Jordan also lived much of his life as God's vessel, but he wasn't the same as he got older. And when spoken of as an artist certainly Stevie, like Jordan, is a performer nonpareil, but we also have to acknowledge that Stevie's contemporary material doesn't strike the same universal chord as his 70s early 80s stuff. He's essentially a genre/brand of music unto himself, but you might cringe a little if you heard he was only playing his "contemporary" material.

(we interrupt this concert review to bring you a TAN Concert Tip/Anecdote for People Saving Their Money: my aunt brought an eggplant sandwich right before the show, we were both unsure how strict the MSG no-food policy would be. Turns out, very strict. security guys examined her bag and demanded that she lose the sandwich (and brownie, and vitaminwater, and other snack). We were 5-10 minutes before showtime and my aunt was determined to be getting in our seats in a timely fashion, yet she didn't want to lose what amounted to $10+ dollars of food, snack and beverages. So she stuck the sandwich down the back of her pants, and brought it in like that until we got to our seats. And we got in no prob. holla! I'm very proud of her perseverance in the face of adversity.)

We get to our seats, which are back row a level above floor seating, in perfect time for what's listed as 8PM show time. But wouldn't you know it, even Stevie runs on CP Time. Tick tock, tick tock. Here comes 8:30, still no blind geniuses taking the stage.

My aunt and I were sitting next to an older black couple, I think it'd be fair to describe them as the ideal Stevie demo. I won't digress on that. To pass the time I figure I'd engage in some fun Q&A on Stevie Wonder trivia. First question: how old is Stevie? I ask my aunt and she suggests 50s, and even hints 40s possibly. I say no way, and suggest 60s might be more accurate.

I eventually ask Stevie's Target Demo, and the wife who is obviously the spokesperson for the couple says that he's definitely in his 60s because "he was 58 when his last child was born." Turns out Stevie Wonder is 57. So, there goes the Target Demo.

Just as we start approaching 8:40 I go to get some popcorn so I can pass the down time picking kernels out of my gums, and just as I get on line I hear the roar of the crowd. I rush off line -- it was short -- to see Stevie being escorted out by his daughter Aisha. I go back and get my popcorn -- the initial applause for his coming on stage lasted the length of the whole concession run – as i get back to my seat Stevie is just starting to address the crowd. As our second and final bit of Stevie trivia my aunt tells me she thinks Aisha is the baby who cries and gurgles on "Isn't She Lovely." Awwww. I offered a firm eyebrow-raise to express my appreciation of the trivia and settled in with my popcorn eager for a good show.

Visions: Before anything gets underway, Stevie walks to the front of the stage and talks to the crowd. He thanks everyone for showing and tells the heartwarming story of how the show was inspired by the passing of his mother in May of '06. After she passed Stevie basically shut everything down for a while, but then she came to him in a vision one night and and told him to stop mourning and get out there and do his thing. And when he called his producers and agent, they thought it'd be a year to organize and plan, but he made it happen in a couple weeks, and has been touring and reinvigorated since.

(Ironically i just wrote a guide to coping with the loss of your fav artists's mama. I think Stevie is my favorite artist, and i herby nominate his mama's passing as a holiday. OR we can just make his birthday a holiday. Seriously. If a thug like Christopher Columbus is honored, Stevie Wonder is waaaaaaaay ahead of that fool. )

Once Stevie gives his intro the show opens with he and his daughter doing a duet of "Love's In Need of Love Today." It's sweet, and she's a good enough singer, but after a couple verses you can't help but think .... okokokokokok, thanks "Isn't She Lovely" baby, but time for Stevie.

After the duet he segues into “To High” and then “Visions” as the first extended showpiece. At the end of "Visions" Steve picks up the tempo and gets militant and angry, riffing off the song and singing how he envisions a better world and doesn't understand how in 2007 we're not there yet. "He can't understand it." And "it's unacceptable." Making war for peace (Iraq). "I can't understand it!" Jena 6. "2007, it's unacceptable!" No healthcare. "I can't understand it, it's unacceptable!" It's kind of corny writing about because it's the same entreaties we hear every day, but when Stevie gets all adamant with his preach-singing, you kind of feel it. I was ready to sign some petitions and beat up some capitalist pigs. In 2007 the drama is unacceptable!

Part 2 continues here ....

Monday, December 10, 2007

Recognize These Beautiful Negroes?

Well, you should. Apparently they are "the most overused stock photo family in America"

They really are like the perfect hybrid of black and white, and just exude Comfortable & Cultural. They're perfect ... and just the cutest tweeners you ever will see. I kind of wish I was that boy waiting for daddy to come home from shtooping the secretary work.

Ahhh to be young and curly-haired and light-skin. It's the new American Dream.

MultiCultClassics has some other images on his site.

via Copyranter

That's Me, TANNY-TAN, In The Middle

(real content coming soon ... forrilla)

Monday, December 03, 2007

Dave Chappelle In London

Dave Chappelle is not dead. Alive and well ... and in this video, doing some stand-up in London.

"I say a lot of racist jokes, and my mouth says racist things ... but my penis is a humanitarian ..."

via: BCP/Elon

Chappelle Is Dead. Long Live Chappelle
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