21 More Questions

Here's a little piece of my 50 Cent 21 Questions parody. 

No comment on my Nate Dogg impression. Y'all know I intend to get someone to sing that for me. 

And even though it's old, I might still shoot a little sketch video for this, cause it's classic material. But in the meantime, in-between time...

New York City… 

you are now rallying…

with The Assimilated 

when I blog sometimes I twist the la 

write posts on my I-book g5 

it’s all white, like these girls that’s on my jock 

I don’t know son, it makes no sense to me 

hope you got everything you need cause I 

am so broke it might even make you cry 

got some questions that I gotta ask and I 

don’t give a fcuk what you give as an answer babe 

Grrrrrlll 

It’s easy to love TAN 

But what if I’m not a brand? 

Just a man 

Would you still have love for me? 

Grrrrrlll 

Can you get me a Ketel-cran? 

The official drink of TAN 

So scram

And show your love for me 

 

Verse 1 

if I got AIDS tomorrow would you still touch me? 

if I lost both my arms would you still hug me? 

if I got knocked into a coma for half a century could I count on you to still have respect for me mentally?

if I killed the prez i’m on the run from the feds 

would you mind wearing a beard and growing some dreds? 

if I give you a black eye you wearing glasses to hide? 

if you caught me cheating would you let it slide? 

if I got you a fake bag for $5.99 

are you giving me head or starting to whine? 

what if you work a tough job straight walking with blisters 

while I’m home, unemployed banging your sister? 

if I bite off your tongue would you bite back??? 

if I nut in your eye would you wipe that??? 

I could piss in your mouth you know a nightcap??? 

might pass a little gass I know you like that ... 

 CHORUS 

More TAN Audio 

Her Name Is Paris, Mrs. Jackson If You're Nasty

This photo. Still an insta-TAN classic. I don't want a celebrity-hollywood machine if we can't make THIS happen:

1. I don't think they look bad together. Like sometimes an interracial couple looks a little forced and affirmative-actioney. Like the cornfields of Nebraska girl holding hands with a harlem hood type ... that's questionable. But these two, not so bad. Young, sophisticated, urban ... we can work with this.

2. I love the name Paris Jackson. That's hot. I might name my child that regardless (no MJ). Curtis Hilton's not so bad either.

3. Professional synergy. They're both incredibly good at what they do: culture exploitation. Hmm, doesn't sound as bad if we call them... business-people? Brand-builders? But seeing them together makes one realize how much 50 is in Paris, WOOPSY, but you know what I mean. She's not an artiste. Neither is 50, by his own admission. They're kindred spirits in f-that-artiste-shit, awww. And of course neither of them is stupid, and they could potentially helm a tremendous entertainment/marketing company/brand thingamajig. bullet-proof hotels. rapping chiuauas. all that.

4. and OOOMG, look how cute they are! Look how happy he makes her! Look how intent and focused he is. They're adooorable. Maybe this was just a second, and the affection isn't genuine but, awwww. It's like lolcats for interracial couples or something. I could stare at these two forever. And I could totals see her bungling up breakfast for the family -- she's trying! -- and kissing 50 before he goes off to work etc. We want these two for our new Leave it to Beaver model modern family.

5. They'd probably make/leak a pretty good sex tape. I'm not really into them myself (seriously!), but I hear a lot of people like those.

6. Their children would be .... interesting to see how they turn out.

Anydream ... these pics are a little old, but I'm really rooting for this to happen. I once made that photo my blog header for a while. I'm waiting for an update, since there's nothing more TAN than these two ...


Oh, the news here was 50 is interviewing Paris at Sundance or something [Page Six]

On 50Centism

mulling on why most rappers can't act, it occurs that the sensibility of Get Rich or Die Trying capitalism may also be why the free-for-all democratized internet seems to break down along familiar socioeconomic lines.

it's the relation of the ego to authority, vs. the relation of the ego to empathy.
50 Cent (and most rappers) sell authority. they know what the f is up. if you question it you might get your chest caved in. Or worse. And most rappers learned this by watching you, America.

you make money here by projecting command, control, and not showing weakness or flaws. if i properly capitalize all my sentences I will project more writerly authority and subsequently be able to sell you my book with more confidence.

Same with magazines, now blogs/webzines. Think about the purpose of that objective omniscient editorial voice: project authority, sell ads against it. This is why journalists and rappers are in the same boat. G-Unit Records and Gawker Media are the same concept with different tools. They're both trying to 50 Cent the game. They already have mostly.

Get Rich or Die Trying capitalism, FiftyCentism, cultivates an 'intelligence' predicated on protecting and manipulating what you know. for your own gain. this runs in contrast to a more buddhist or zen approach to 'smarts' which stresses empathy.

when you start thinking/caring about others, you eventually come to peace of mind by realizing there is so much you don't know, and can't know. the maxim: "wisdom sets bounds even to knowledge". which is a whole different kind of math than what they teach in They Schoolz. it's a math that doesn't necessarily -- but could! -- add up to lots-o-dollars in your pocket.

but not-necessarily maybe-so is a terrible for-profit business model. and a passive voice doesn't attract an audience. RIGHT, INTERNET? FUCK YEAH!

50 and Paris Sitting In A Tree ... GET THE F*CK OUT MY TREE, B*TCH!!

Page Six provides an hilarious exchange stemming from 50 Cent's performance at a pre-Super Bowl party hosted by Paris Hilton. And as much as it saddens me that my model TAN couple are going through some apparent growing pains, I really wish I could have seen this:

When the princess decided to get onstage and dance, the hip-hopper quickly instructed her to "Get the f**k off the stage." She started to cry and tried to plead with the party's production staff to let her dance, whining, "But it's my party!"

Hahaha. Aww. I really hope they worked it out later that night.

50 Cent Makes Paris Cry [Page Six]

"It's Not Wu-Tang Beef, It's Just GZA"

Wow, I might be through knocking 50 Cent. That's a funny, smart dude right there. He's not an "artist" or whatever; he makes formula music. But as he says time and time again, that's his business approach. In any event, he's still willing to throw daggers at people, which for the most part is the upside of rapper entertainment in hip hop -- rappers are celebrities who don't go the politically-correct route. So this clip here has 50 retaliating to a clip I posted a week ago or so by GZA of the Wu.

GZA's a smart guy too, so I'm sort of hoping he'll have yet another clip up by next weekend. A little flame-war with 50 would def. be good for business, and might provide a little lrical inspiration also. Stay tuned.



via: WSHH

previously:
GZA Calls out 50 and Soulja Boy

GZA Putting Cornballs On Blast

GZA calling out Soulja Boy and 50 Cent. "Wu-Tang is forever..."



And the follow-up. For clarification all GZA said was, "50 Cent don't got motherf**kin' lyrics" Don't misconstrue it.



via: World Star Hip Hop
Previously on Wu-Tube:
Why The F*ck You Want Me To Rap About A Dinosaur

Which Negro Are You? The Kanye vs. 50 Saga Continues ...

Choosing between Kanye and 50 Cent is not just about record sales, it's a choice we have to make in all sorts of scenarios: Do we need the more physically imposing, alpha-masculine 50 Cent, or do we want thoughtful, in-touch-with-his-femine-side, meta-metrosexual Kanye? There's pros and cons to each, so lets put the Kanye vs. 50 Cent challenge to some tests outside of record sales:

In the supermarket: Having an intimidating presence is helpful at the supermarket. People won't dare skip you in line, and they may even let you go in front of them if you rip your shirt off and perform a song like Amusement Park. If you're the more stylish Kanye, you might have a better chance of charming the market person, but muscles are just as sweet as brains to a girl who has nothing but a cash register to look forward to. In the end, I say physical intimidation is the surest bet to get what you want in most supermarket scenarios. Winner: 50

In Harlem with your white girlfriend:

AS SEEN IN NEGROPEDIA

The 50 Cent Vitamin Water Commercial

So here's the relatively new Vitaminwater commercial featuring 50 Cent:



Vitaminwater is on the cutting edge of youth-voice marketing. Off the top of my head I can't think of a brand, beside Apple, that has so effectively used the power of "cool" advertising/marketing. Glaceau (maker of Vitaminwater) recently sold to Coca Cola for 4+ billion dollars, demonstrating the power of funny, cutesy blurbs and a good name. But now they're doing television commercials. And this one with 50 Cent has a clear TAN sensibility. So what do we think?

Concept: 50 Cent plays orchestra conductor for the National Symphony.

The basic premise here strikes me as surprisingly dated for Vitaminwater. The hip hop street rapper in the contrasting upscale, classical environs has been mined to the point of cliche. That said, this criticism is with the traditional young, hip Vitaminwater demo in mind. If they now have their eye on expanding out of that market, these basic "assimilated negro" setups still play with the slightly older thirty/forty-something set.

The execution follows the same logic, with no real twist or unexpected angle on the setup, like, for example, the spot with Kelly Clarkson. I suspect this is the commercial 50 Cent would approve of, and maybe even direct. Most rappers act like they're cutting edge, because hip hop used to automatically classify you as such, but really they're all safe and boring (like TAN!). The lines where the announcers take a slight pause and inform us that Curtis Jackson is also known as 50 Cent, and the bit about Beethoven being a "true OG," those lines aren't for the kids. The kids know who 50 Cent is, and me and my TAN peeps were running "Nietzsche/Socrates/Mozart are friggin' gangsta" jokes back in the prep school days, so those can't be used as punchlines so many years later. Swapping out the viola is a fun little accent that's well played, but again, nothing new there.

50 Cent has a handful of popular recognizable songs at this point. And "In The Club" is likely the most popular and recognizable. I wonder if Glaceau had to pay extra for the song rights, or if that's all in their deal with 50. The song makes the commercial, it's cool how a few bars of that song capsulizes so much of the urban-cool ethos. So valuable, and so worth it.

Anywater, we're running out of time here. I like the commercial, it's better than most. But for Vitaminwater, a brand I've come to expect envelope-pushing creativity from, I'm a little disappointed.

Of course I may just be biased since I have a little history with 50 Cent, Vitaminwater, and Formula 5-0.

Related:
What's The Formula Yo? (audio) [TAN]

Get Orgasmic Or Die Tryin'

"50 Cent is planning to create a vibrator of his manhood - so his female fans can pretend to have sex with him."
more ...

Is this true Curtis? What do you have to say about it?

"Blue is my favourite colour so it will probably be blue. But I don't know how big. I don't know if big is better because I'm not sure a man wants his woman playing with a really big dildo."

Indeed. Quite an astute observation here from Mr. Cent. Though I don't know if a big fake penis is the problem, so much as 50 Cent's big fake penis is the problem. I think if I catch someone I'm involved with in possession of a mould of Curtis Jackson's member, no matter what color it is, that's going to be a deal-breaker. An anonymous mould, however, might not necessarily end labor negotiations.

What's The Formula Yo? (audio)

It's Formula 5-0.

I wouldn't be a writer/marketing guy/artist if I didn't try to tastefully point out my satisfaction in being able to post audio that seems synergistically tied to a theme currently in the news / on Gawker.

A couple weeks ago I jumped on the Krucoff story. This week the theme is 50 Cent.

In the spring of this year, myself and a few other music professionals were asked by the incredibly smart people at Snap Marketing to help them brainstorm an experiential marketing campaign. One that would link their client Glaceau/VitaminWater with the forthcoming Anger Management Tour and VitaminWater spokesman 50 Cent.

And not having been a drinker of VitaminWater's "Formula 50" up until that point, I remember thinking, "this guy has nothing but a story about being shot nine times, and an ability to rap, and he is everywhere and into everything." Cause I don't know about you, but for me 50 Cent and the VitaminWater brand doesn't immediately spring to mind as a natural symbiotic connection.

It showed the power of a good story, tied in with a proactive, open-minded, and creative approach to marketing and self-promotion.

And I think since I was in the process of getting my CD finished, and rebranding myself as a solo artist, and reading about how stories are the essence of good marketing, and perhaps life in general, I really embraced the lesson.

I used to think self-promoter = asshole. But now here I am trying to tell my story to anyone who'll listen/read, and Nerve.com calls me one of the "best self-promoters we've ever met."

I guess I still think a lot of self-promoters are assholes (including myself), but I realize now that if you do have a good story, whether it's for the kids or not, the asshole part isn't determined by self-promoting, it's determined by the story/product behind it. Selling isn't the problem. Selling shit is.

The only thing that concerns me with the 50 phenomenon, is that I don't see enough winks. I don't see enough knowing smiles. Perhaps it's just brand commitment and solidarity. Kind of like the Republicans during a presidential election year. Your actual premise/content matters less if you have tons of people uniformly supporting it.

So if Fifty doesn't let up on the violence. That's just good business. Focused niche marketing. And I can't hate on that, my feelings about the hip hop image beginning to shift away from "empowerment through criminality" notwithstanding.

But I like to think I take the more difficult road.

The safe model says put yourself in a box and stick with it, so people know how to classify you. When you want sexy(?)-thug with a violent street edge and poppy hooks, you want 50 Cent.

With TAN, now three months in, you're probably still not sure what you're going to get. Maybe some jokes, maybe some philosophizing, maybe some audio, maybe some panhandling with the bloggerati. My formula's a little different.

See I don't know if my writing skills, or rapping skills, or humor skills are remarkable in and of themselves. But I do think the range of things I bring to the table is fairly unique, and has the potential to make a great story.

One that is in progress and hopefully landing in Show Me The Moneyville sometime soon.

So anyways. After the Snap Marketing brainstorm, i wanted to show off those hip hop skills, and make a little something something that incorporated Snap and VitaminWater and Formula 50. It seemed odd to me that you would have a rapper for a spokesman but not have a song or something done by him. So TAN stepped in to fill the void and knocked this ditty out in less time than it takes to read the funny copy on a Glaceau label.

And quite frankly, when considering the VitaminWater brand: sarcastic, witty, intelligent, layered, approachable, conversational, modern, independent, does things different, tongue and cheek, don't you think TAN would make a much better representative for VitaminWater than 50Cent. I mean, come on.

Only problem is I don't have millions of people buying my record. But I'm working on it.

So with that intro I present, "What's The Formula Yo?"

the cast of characters this time around includes:

Dave, Abe, Ed, and Arron over at Snap

Darius Bikoff who formed Glaceau and the VitaminWater brand in '96.

And I guess that's it.

Well aside from the unnamed girl who is the subject of my favorite line:

"I told the girl it was nutrient enhanced
yo, she put her booty in my hands..."

drop it like it's hot, drink it when we say so




you done it again TAN, where's those lyrics



tell VitaminWater TAN should be taking 50's place


more TAN audio

Now go drink a vitaminwater
.