My Conversation with Biz Markie

Many, many years ago I had a chat with Biz Markie. He had some situation going on with a girl he met on tour, so that dominated the conversation. Here's the transcript:

Biz: Have you ever met a girl that you tried to date, but a year to make love she wanted you to wait? 

TAN: a year? no way, that's ridiculous. 

Biz: Let me tell ya a story of my situation. I was talking to this girl from the u.s. nation

TAN: uh, ok, yeah I feel you, I've only messed with US girls too. But the foreign chicks do intrigue me... 

Biz: The way that I met her was on tour at a concert. She had long hair and a short miniskirt. 

TAN: So? Well, I guess it is better than short hair and a long skirt?

Biz: I just got off stage dripping, pouring with sweat. I was walking through the crowd and guess who I met? I whispered in her ear, "come to the picture booth, so I can ask you some questions to see if you're 100 proof" 

TAN: picture booth? 

B: I asked her her name, she said blah-blah-blah 

T: word. How'd she look? 

B: She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra 

T: holla! 

B: I took a couple of flicks and she was enthused. I said, how do you like the show? She said, I was very amused. I started throwing bass, she started throwing back mid-range But when I sprung the question, she acted kind of strange. 

T: What'd you ask her? 

B: Then when I asked, do ya have a man, she tried to pretend she said, "no I don't, I only have a friend."

T: oh dude, i don't know. that sounds a little sketchy ... 

B: Come on, I'm not even going for it. This is what I'm going to sing ... 

T: wait, you're gonna sing? 

B: You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend And you say he's just a friend, oh baby you, got what I need but you say he's just a friend. But you say he's just a friend, oh baby you, got what I need but you say he's just a friend. But you say he's just a friend 

T: uhhhh ... 

B: So I took blah-blahs word for it at this time. I thought just having a friend couldn't be no crime. Cause I have friends and that's a fact, like agnes, agatha, jermaine, and jack. 

T: Agnes? Agatha? You maybe have one friend with those names, definitely not two.

B: Forget about that, lets go into the story. About a girl named blah-blah-blah that adored me. 

T: from what you've said, it didn't sound like she "adored" you. She said, "very amused?" who even says that?

B: So we started talking, getting familiar. Spending a lot of time so we can build a relationship, or some understanding. How its gonna be in the future we was planning. 

T: damn, you moving kind of fast son! 

B: Everything sounded so dandy and sweet. I had no idea I was in for a treat. 

T: word? 

B: After this was established, everything was cool. 

T: oh, ok. 

B: The tour was over and she went back to school. 

T: kinda young, huh? 

B: I called every day, to see how she was doing. Every time that I called her, it seemed something was brewing. I called her and a guy picked up, and then I called again. I said, yo, who was that? 

T: what'd she say? 

B: "oh, he's just a friend." 

T: nahh yo! 

B: Don't gimme that, don't even gimme that. yo bust this ... 

T: are you gonna sing again? 

B: You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend And you say he's just a friend, oh baby you, got what I need but you say he's just a friend But you say he's just a friend, oh baby you, got what I need but you say he's just a friend But you say he's just a friend 

T: Why are you singing? Did someone say you can sing?! [pause] it is kind of catchy though... 

B: So I came to her college on a surprise visit. To see my girl that was so exquisite. 

T: Oh this is bad. surprise visits are never a good look. Also, a lot of hype for a 9/10 pants girl, just sayin'.  

B: It was a school day, I knew she was there. The first semester of the school year. 

T: good detective work!  

B: I went to a gate to ask where was her dorm. This guy made me fill out a visitors form. He told me where it was and I was on my way. To see my baby doll, I was happy to say. 

T: yo, I can't believe you went to her dorm. this is just some college girl who came to your show, right ...?

B: I arrived in front of the dormitory. Yo, could you tell me where is door three? 

T: ... it's also weird you had to fill out the form before getting to the dorm. such weird security. Was this NYU? 

B: They showed me where it was, for the moment. I didn't know I was in for such an event. So I came to her room and opened the door. Oh, snap! guess what I saw? 

T: what??!!? 

B: A fella tongue-kissing my girl in the mouth, I was so in shock my heart went down south. 

T: damn, that sucks. but at least he wasn't penis-sexing your girl in the butt! 

B: So please listen to the message that I say. Don't ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend.  

T: word. 

  The Video:

Grandpa TAN: The Headache

we now present Grandpa TAN starring in a dramatic rendition of "I Have A Headache."

[action]

TAN: my head hurts. i don't know if i can play cards with you. you have any aspirin?

Grandpa TAN (GPT): huh?

TAN: my head hurts, do you have any aspirin? tylenol?

GPT: your head hurts?

TAN: yes, you have any aspirin??

GPT: you want aspirin?

TAN: yeah, do you have some?

GPT: no .... but go get that bottle over there.

TAN: what bottle?

GPT: that one over there, with the dropper

TAN: what??? oh, i don't need anything grandpa

GPT: go get that thing boy, you said your head hurt, right?

TAN: yeah ?

GPT: go get the dropper ?

TAN: this?

GPT: no.... on the thing there

TAN: here?

GPT: yeah...

TAN opens bottle and smells it, crinkles nose and feels resolute that he won't be taking anything with a dropper on the top of it

GPT: come here

TAN: what is that?

GPT: boy, do your head hurt or what?

TAN: i don't think i want any liquid ... anything.. out of a dropper, i don't think that's going to help. i just wanted an apsirin or tylenol or something

GPT: look [smells bottle], you just have to put a drop on your tongue like this? [does it]

TAN: [cringes, but ... ] a drop?

GPT: yeah, look ....

TAN: and that's gonna fix my headache??

GPT grabs TAN's hands pours a generous amount of the clear liquid over his hands. TAN screams, startled by the aggressive gfather attack.

GPT: [tone: pensive from the realization of how ungrandfatherly it is to sneak-medicate your grand-son]: you should rub it in there

TAN: i thought it was a drop on my tongue, what is this? my hands burn...

GPT: its alcohol. jsut spiced rum .... you breathe it in

TAN: huh?

GPT: like this...

TAN: ok ...

...

TAN: Hmmm, I guess my head does feel a little bit better.

[I'm sorry i made you have to sneak-medicate me? ...]

Stuff White People Like: Ceramic Poodlebutts?

TAN: where's the poodlebutts?

TAN-FAN: http://www.jschatz.com/poodlebutts/poodle3.html

TAN: ahhhh hahahah

TAN-FAN: a fucking g ... for a ceramic poodle butt. at least buff humpty is a nitelite

TAN: i would def go to someone's house and just be sort of casually fondling it, and they'd be like "its a poodlebutt," and i'd get all startled and retract my hands all quick ...
and smell them ...
and leave

TAN-FAN: haha

TAN: a f'ing g ...?
crazy white people...

TAN-FAN: gay white people?

TAN: there are NO black people with poodle butts, even the bougies... actually, i could see some brooklyn bougies having them.

TAN-FAN: and you secretly want one

TAN: my thing is as an artist, how can you take it seriously? How do you make, market, sell ceramic poodlebutts? How does that filter through as legitimate product?
i def want one ...

TAN-FAN: it is crazy. i would feel guilty if even one person bought it at 50 bucks

TAN: like with a straight face ... you can say: ceramic poodlebutt, $1150??

TAN-FAN: ha exactly. but then again you wouldn't consider making poodlebutts for anything other than your personal enjoyment

TAN: I wonder if someone is all hrrumphy about it too, like artsy-fartsy snooty ...
these are the FINEST poodlebutts in all the land!

How To Pray To The Booty Gods

straight from the inbox:

To: TAN
From: TAN2
Subject: Friday night

The "booty gods" have conspired against me once again, the [redacted description] just canceled our rendevouz for manana [ed. note - love the tri-lingual email!] *As a solemn tear rolls down my cheek*. So maybe we can get a guys night out popping for tomorrow?

Holla.

~~

To: TAN2
From: TAN
Subject: Re. Friday Night

oh, that's killer. you should prick your penis (be careful!) and put one drop of blood in a condom, then bury it near a tree somewhere. In three fortnights return to the tree and there will be a girl there ready to give you some booty.

good luck!

FutureSex/Love Mating Ritual

Hi, my name is sex

Hi, my name is love

Nice to meet you love

Nice to meet you sex

So, love, what do you do for a living?

Oh, I work at this place that helps me get in position to have a loving family. I will have children that propagate our species you know.

Yes, I do know. I personally work at this place that helps me get sex. My having sex helps propagate the species also. But you know this already. Heheh.

Heheh. Yeah.

So I’m incredibly strong. My job only hires the strongest of people.

Oh really? That’s cool. I love strong guys.

I’m also very intelligent. Would you like me to say something very intelligent?

No, no, that’s ok. I can tell from your overall disposition and approach that you are very smart. I love intelligent guys.

Are you sure you don’t want me to prove my intelligence? Here, let me do it anyways. Cause everyone says they’re intelligent, but I want to show I’m really intelligent. Here, what do you think of this: [intelligent statement, preferably humorous since humor demonstrates intelligence, or at least that’s what we think].

Oh wow. That was VERY intelligent. And also kind of funny. Haha. I love intelligent and funny people.


I knew you would. Sex?

No thanks. Love?

Mmmm, not right now. So, um, what do you do when you’re not working?

Oh, I don’t know. I go out to movies and museums. Jog around the park. Go for a drink with my lovely friends. Nothing abnormal.

Huh. That’s funny. I love movies. And I can tolerate a museum with the best of them. Maybe we should have sex?

Well I most enjoy going to the movies or museum with someone I love, you know?

Yeah, me too!! I feel like we may be talking about the same thing. Maybe love and sex mean the same thing, have you considered that?

Indeed, I have considered that! I actually thought about it the last time I talked to a strong, intelligent, and funny person like yourself. Ha. Just letting you know, I know how this game works.

Game? Ha, what game? I’m just trying to talk to someone about love-sex. I keep saying sex, and you keep saying love, but it translates the same for all intents and purposes, right?

NO! Love means love. Sex means sex. That’s why they’re two separate words. Duh.

Haha. Touché love, touché.

Haha

So, do you want to do something? What do you think about sex?

Hmmm, I don’t know. Sex is cool, but I prefer love.

Are you sure sex and love are not the same thing?

YES!

Hmmm, well maybe we can have sex until love develops?

Hmmm, I’m not positive, but I don’t think that’s how love works. I’m a product of sex, technically, but really I’m a product of love. You know what I mean?

Hmmm, not exactly.

Well, no matter, I have the vagina. You can’t have sex without one, right?

Yes, you are correct love. Ok. It seems you have the upper-hand here. Let me cut to the chase. How could I get you to partake with some of that there vagina?


I don’t know. Obviously I’m all about love, so maybe if you showcased a little of that it might help your cause.

Ok. I’m into that. What do I do?

I don’t know. It’s up to you. Love is personal and subjective, that’s why it’s so special.

Hmmm. But I think love and sex are the same, so how does that work? If I think love is sex, then doesn’t that mean you should have sex?

Hmmm. I’m a little confused, but I know the answer is NO!

Now you’re just being difficult.

Love is difficult.

Sex is not difficult.

Exactly.

I’m confused.

Me too.

Why don’t we just have sex?

Why don’t we just make love?

OK

OK

OK

A Black Guy and An Asian Guy Walk Into A Blog ...

Over on Channel G, SpinachDip and TAN talked about something having to do with Black and Asians getting along, or not...

TAN: Speaking of Asian wars, Vietnamese is easily my most favorite asian cuisine.
Spinach: Pho is cure for whateverthefuck ails you.
TAN: I do think you guys win on the religion tip. I'm totally not down with Christianity.
Spinach: Christianity is too dogmatic for me. People use it too much as a get-in-heaven-free card. Whereas Eastern beliefs tend to be more about philosophy. It's about how to think, rather than what to think.
TAN: Word. Plus, fortune cookies!!!

Gawker Helps Bring Blacks And Asians Together [Gawker]

The Great AIMs in Life: End of Douche!

In classic TAN style, I have data that predicts and predates an event, but I don't reveal it for months later. In this case, the event was "End of Douche 2006." Of course credit is beside the point here, because I believe in the "communal reservoir" and the "end of douche" proved to be a prime example of the reservoir in action. On November 1 Gawker called the name into question, possibly their most commented on post. Best Week Ever, despite their heavy usage, seconded the motion. The subject may have gotten on to television. The thing is, the actual metaphysics behind the issue were being hashed out a few days prior. I actually chimed in on the Gawk post, but saved the full dialogue until now. The following is an IM conversation that would help seed the resistance to the wanton proliferation of the word "douche" (specificially with regards to usage).

Friend: so how was uptown?
TAN: ok ...
Friend: just ok?
TAN: dinner and drinks at hi life
Friend: hilife?
TAN: yeah, hi [picture of martini] life
Friend: sounds like a candidate for the gawker hall of douche
TAN: http://newyork.citysearch.com/profile/7169151
Friend: I take that back
TAN: i'm about to start campaigning against the word douche ...
Friend: overplayed?
TAN: waaaaaaaaaaay
Friend: but it has such nuance
TAN: plaaaaaaaaaaaaaayed
Friend: though I admit I have heard this complaint, friends have not come up with better solutions
things like cheese-dick have been suggested
TAN: if you drop douche, you revert back to [old] standards like "asshole," "dickhead"...
Friend: actually I had a whole conversation about this while drunk at soho house
which was kinda ironic considering
TAN: [it was] full of douchebags?
[you were] talking to a douche?
Friend: ehhh, the guys who pay for it
TAN: my man "Adouche"
Friend: unhuh
TAN: I might be cool with it if we changed the pronunciation ...
doo-che
Friend: douché?
dooce?
TAN: doo-chay
has to have "e/ay" at the end
like dulce de leche
Friend: its dulcet tones?
see asshole is about a guy being kinda a bad guy
a douchebag is just sort of an unfortunate guy
like [redacted], he isn't an asshole, I love [redacted], but he can be kind of a douchebag
TAN: eh, the line has definitely blurred
right, the pro-active, free will element...
Friend: well rest assured that you aren't one and be happy with that
yes, see asshole is a choice
there is a "will to asshole"
TAN: but i'm dubious that that rule is abided in all uses of the word
or even 50%
Friend: probably not, it has gotten too far from the source culture
TAN: "this will to power, has me counting the hours..."
Friend: see I believe douche originated in tech which makes it very much an anti free will proposition
counting the hours till what?
TAN: yeah, but i'm not debating the meaning. i'm debating the usage
Friend: well in our rarified circles we can maintain its original usage yes? ;-)
TAN: it wouldn't be overused if people abided by some particular, more nuanced definition
it's too late for that [exclusivity] ...
Friend: well once things hit a certain place on the cultural-diffusion-curve nuance doesn't exist anymore
TAN: exactly ...
Friend: but that doesn't mean we should kill something. It means that we in the source cultural should respect its original meaning even more
TAN: it has to go ...
once it's lost nuance, reached that place, "respect" of the original meaning is wasted effort
to try and bring it back would be a waste of resources. you can't rescind cultural diffusion
Friend: hmmmm, do you discount public enemy just because flavor flav went off into vh1 land?
TAN: it's a different thing
flava flav isn't doing Public Enemy
Friend: well you ignore vh1 but remember that at one time he wasn't a buffoon
TAN: and it's like he was a part of a group, associated with music, concerts etc. now he's something else [entirely] ...
Friend: just as douche once had great meaning but has now associated itself with something that has some of the spirit but none of the original essence
TAN: right, douche is to hip lingo as Flava Flav is to Public Enemy
there's also a race problem with the word ...
Friend: with douchebag?
this I have to hear
TAN: no big story, i don't think i've ever heard a black person use the word
or anyone with brownskin ...
Friend: you use it
TAN: no i don't
[that's] projection
Friend: alright, but we are having this huge discussion about it at 2am
TAN: so?
Friend: you could use it or apply it
I don't know
TAN: I'm going to marinate on it ...
Friend: are you saying only white people use the term douchebag?
mmmm marinated tan
TAN: no. asians use it also. but just saying the lack of support from the african-american population adds another bullet point to the proposal for its dismissal
Friend: there are totally black douchebags
just because one doesn't use the term
TAN: yeah, but a black person wouldn't say that .... i'm not debating meaning, i'm debating usage
a person who uses the term "douchebag" can identify anyone, of any race, color, creed as such
Friend: and I keep trying to steer that debate away from usage, I am a bad girl I know
TAN: well it's the only way to argue [on douche's behalf] ... cause you know it's overused also
Friend: it is true, I use it all the time
mostly because I dislike "asshole" or "dick"
because I respect guys that have actively engaged in a given behavior
it is the ones that don't "will to power" about their own behavior that gross me out
TAN: "in 96 they got they shit off ...
swallowed what they bit off ...
now everyone's a ripoff ...
of darius bikoff ...
didn't stutter or hic-cough ...
Friend: lost here my dear
TAN: the only solution is to bring in the "chay"
Friend: pronounced like tar-ghay?
TAN: if you bring in the "chay" then it's ironic enough to sustain mass exposure
i'm thinking a hard ch, but it could be soft, or zsa-zsa, -ghay ish
Friend: hmmmmmmm, I would question irony's power but I see your point
TAN: seriously, calling someone a doo-chay bag is so much better ...
like gucci ...
docce
duccebag
there it is
Friend: I am so excited! I am going to gucci next week to pick up my boots
TAN: ducce
duccebag
Friend: I think you have the makings of a brilliant blog post
giggles!
have you considered like comedy writing on tv?
TAN: yes
it's on the to-do list ...
[along with sleeping with Angelina Jolie and Jessica Biel]

~fin

Classic Moments In Interrupted IM History

You know how on IM, you might be speaking to someone, and you go on some humorous tangent. But then the other person has to work, or step away and so you're left hoping/wondering your tangent isn't left out there dangling for others to see and misinterpret. These make forClassic Moments In Interrupted IM History. Here's an example:

TAN-Bloupie: saw little miss sunshine

erm. LOVED IT
TAN: it was cool. i saw it with a ruckus crowd that was actually a little distracting .

TAN-Bloupie: note: i went with a friend and she had NOTHING to do with my shoulder.
TAN: hmmpph
TAN-Bloupie: just sayin!
TAN: has to be a male ... males love shoulders
TAN-Bloupie: ah hah.
why - is it like a neck boob or something?
TAN: mmmm neckboobs ...
please, don't get me all hot and bothered ... it's too early in the morning
TAN-Bloupie: fair enough.
ummm, cat testicles.
better?
TAN: nooooo ... NOT AT ALL ... cat testicles MMMMMHHHMMMMM
TAN-Bloupie: one sec. brb.
TAN: -classic moment in IM interruption-

What's A Bloupie? [TAN]

Wanna Cyber???

So I got this flirty, innuendo-laden e-mail the other day from some "friend of TAN." And the e-mail was written in such a compelling fashion, I just HAD to respond *wink*. In responding, I asked if she was trying to get me to "cyber" with her, and I wondered (in the e-mail) if people still did that. Seems very old-school ( by the way, the wiki I linked above on "cybersex" is highly amusing).

Anyways, this is all brought up because a friend just sent me a link to some guy "bloodninja" who apparently likes to do these fake cybersex threads, like a CrankYankers for IM. Some of you may have seen this already, but I'm sure it's worth another look. Here are some excerpts:

Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

---

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: K, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja: How did you know?
Bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate: What the fuck?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of shit
DirtyKate: Fuck

---

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this shit is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the fuck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
MommyMelissa: whatever.

here's more ...

And do let me know if you or people you know still "cyber" ... not cause I wanna, of course, just curious. It's like finding friends who still use VCR's.