Thursday, March 09, 2006

Wanna Cyber???

So I got this flirty, innuendo-laden e-mail the other day from some "friend of TAN." And the e-mail was written in such a compelling fashion, I just HAD to respond *wink*. In responding, I asked if she was trying to get me to "cyber" with her, and I wondered (in the e-mail) if people still did that. Seems very old-school ( by the way, the wiki I linked above on "cybersex" is highly amusing).

Anyways, this is all brought up because a friend just sent me a link to some guy "bloodninja" who apparently likes to do these fake cybersex threads, like a CrankYankers for IM. Some of you may have seen this already, but I'm sure it's worth another look. Here are some excerpts:
Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

---

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: K, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja: How did you know?
Bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate: What the fuck?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of shit
DirtyKate: Fuck

---

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this shit is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the fuck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
MommyMelissa: whatever.
here's more ...

And do let me know if you or people you know still "cyber" ... not cause I wanna, of course, just curious. It's like finding friends who still use VCR's.

8 comments:

  1. Anonymous3/09/2006

    Doug Stanhope's pedophile baiting IMs are way out there and pretty hilarious too.

    http://www.dougstanhope.com/baiting.html

    ReplyDelete
  2. TAN, I came across these myself about three weeks ago, and was extatic, as I thought I'd never see them again. You know where I first read them? In Harpers Magazine, about four years ago. I like telling people that, I think it's pretty notable. I love Harpers, but when I got that issue, and saw those IM's, I knew they had really topped themselves this time.

    These IM's are simply some of the funniest print I have ever read.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous3/09/2006

    Muk: ASL?

    ReplyDelete
  4. TAN, I totally wanna cyber with you. But I want to be the one who gets to go all bloodninja, because that looks like tremendous fun. Could it work if both people go the bloodninja route? I bet we could make it work such that we'd snicker and it would be hot.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Respect the VCR. It's all about keepin' it real.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous3/10/2006

    TAN, you know that these days CYBER has evolved into 'camming'. Since webcams are everywhere, the most popular sites that have come up are webcamnow.com and ICUII - the latter of which I have seen many of my buddies actually start calling in sick from work to feed their addiction.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Nice site man

    but i would highly recommend

    ronanshouseofjournalism.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous5/22/2006

    Still the #1 most linked and visited page on my blog. Never mind my blogs on Macs, software, social issues - the robe and wizard hat gets them everytime.

    ReplyDelete

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