Dear TAN: Your Blog Has Gotten Too Serious

from the inbox:



that's pretty damn funny....

Dear Mayara Tavares

You opened my eyes yesterday. And not in the way everyone, including myself, who got suckered into O-Bum-a-Gate would imply.

I don't know. I just empathize with your position. And want to apologize for being part of the knee-jerk media monolith (an eensy-weensy small part that sells Snotsicles in the back of the mailroom) reaction.

Because when the picture came out that seemingly captured our President Barack Obama taking a peek at your tush (perhaps elevating you to "ass that changed america" status), some clowns made jokes, some crazies exclaimed how this meant our president was a pedophile, some skeptics skepticized it as a plant by conservatives. Still others wondered why anyone cared either way because guys look at girls behinds all the time.

But no one really wondered about Miss Tavares. No one, so far as i saw, was like: Hello??? Everyone?? Please everybody just shut the f up and think about this young socially conscious and proactive teenager getting to go on what is likely a once in a lifetime trip of her dreams to meet the president -- the new and improved *special* president who represents the face of a new world order -- and how everything is absolutely ruined when your ass ends up circulated around the planet as, uh, the butt of headlines, and now people are slow-frame analyzing your walk, and feeling free to comment on the power rankings of your booty, and every possible reaction you could have except for the one that empathizes with the little girl who just wanted to look nice when she met the president.

so, i don't know... for what it's worth (very little), i was guilty too, but sorry about that.

(uh, and you too, #1 megan fox fan.)

Sincerely,

TAN

Emma Shulman: A Woman to Stay Young With

Had this passed on to me, a profile/interview on what I can only imagine to be the baddest mamma-jamma in New York City. She's probably gonna slap me good for such corn-ball phrasing, but for real, let us count the ways:

1. She's a consultant at the Center for Excellence on Brain Aging and Dementia. I didn't know this existed, but now aware it sounds very necessary and very brilliant. I don't care so much about me getting old, so much as my brain. And, of course, consultants are always the best kind of job to have.

2. You'd be a consultant too, with this sort of itinerary: currently pursuing a master's in cultural anthropology. private class in writing. acting class at John Jay. fordham for english lit class. and belong to the Philharmonic, the ballet, the Roundabout. -- wow. that's a lot of classes, are you in high school miss lady with the dyed gray hair?

3. ok, well with all the studying, how do you let loose?: "I smoked. Seventy-something years. I just quit three months ago. Cold turkey. I like red wine, a glass with dinner. I used to drink Scotch. I was a Scotch maniac.

I was a pretty wild kid, running around with a lot of guys."

4. oh yeah? Pretty wild with the guys? Well, you're so smart and interesting, maybe we could go out or something?: "I didn’t want to get involved again. Men who are older are looking for someone to take care of them. They don’t cook, they don’t clean. By the way, I never cooked, I never cleaned."

5. Playing hard to get are you? Well, how old are you anyways?: 96

NINETY-SIX??!?!?! Holy smokes! talk about being out of my league: more educated, more wordly, has drunk more scotch, smoked more cigs, told more significant others to hit the dishes because she doesn't do that, helped more people in ways that matter, and had more fun while she did it, and .... SHE JUST QUIT SMOKING THREE MONTHS AGO. AND SHE SAW THE GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE GET BUILT. AND SHE'S LIKE, I ONLY MESS WITH YOUNG GUYS CAUSE I CAN'T BE FOLDING CLOTHES FOR THESE INFIRMED DUDES WITH ALL THESE CLASSES I'M TAKING, AND BLOGGING AND BALLET AND STUFF. WHAAAAATTTT????

Is she 26 or 96? What's the movie where lindsay lohan jumps into her mom's body? that's obviously the only explanation for what's going on here.

Seriously, I've been sussing out the MJ narrative and indulging the inspiration from "superstars", but look no further than Emma to see inspiration, life etc is all around you, what you make of it, and any other cliche she'd smack me for because life isn't about talking it's about living.

ok, off to throw pebbles at her window and see if Emma, Queen of The Olds, will have a scotch with me.

Experience Necessary: She Knows a Thing or Two About Aging [NY Times]

Previously in "Amazing People":
My New Rap Name Is Wesley Autrey

image: Sara Krulwich

Hudson Plane Crash: When Keeping It Real Goes Right

Five Fingers On The Hudson Plane Crash

a plane crashed into the Hudson River today, here are some thoughts...

1. Do we want intelligence from our journalists? Watching a couple different channels as they break this news and I'm shocked at how careful the talking heads want to be with their language. It's understandable, but you can't help but wonder how/why/what we're training journalists/reporters for. Do we want them to just be a lens/observation machine? No interpetation. No editorial. Or at least, as little as possible. Do we have those who just "document" in detail, and then "intelligence" people who give us comprehensive analysis/opinions and specialize in that? Sort of how blogs and MSM/newspapers like to position themselves; one's just the facts, the other is trying to crack the case. Is this dynamic an evolution? Doesn't feel like it when you hear intelligent people wasting time and energy picking over semantic packing-peanuts.

2. When Keeping It Real Goes Right! this will surely be the top takeaway of the day, all day: "you know, Jim, we so often we overlook the airplane safety schpiel ... and look, here, the safety schpiel put to good use! The irony of life, that which we choose to ignore and gloss over saves us!!! Yay!!! Back to you, Jim!" The thing is, it's true. We do have a problem with not hyping success at this fundamental human level. For most of us here in the USA, reading blogs and planning Inauguration parties, the fact is that good happens to us a lot more than bad. Even when Bush was in charge. Disasters are averted. People are saved. Lives keep on living. This accident gone right is a brilliant reminder of that.

3. Geese???!?!?! seriously, who knew? I don't know whether to hate them or love them. peep these facts from NBC NY:

Experts said that Canadian geese are one of a pilots worst nightmares.

A 4-pound bird exerts more than 6 tons of force if hit by a plane traveling 200 mph -- some geese weigh up to 15 pounds.

A U.S. Air Force plane crashed during takeoff at Elmendorf Air Force Base in Alaska in 1995 after a collision with geese. Twenty-four people died.

Birds caused another Air Force plane to crash during its approach to a runway in the Netherlands in 1996, killing 34 people.

GEESE??!?!?! Geese have bodies on their conscience! At least 58 of them! There's a corny hip hop slang-as-spoken-by-geese line/joke to make here, but I demur because some geese might jump out and snuff me, yo! I don't even have a plane to protect me, I would be helpless.

4. Good stuff happens in January. Someone needs to do the research on it, but I swear all the good humanitarian stuff happens in January so that we forget about it by the time we start talking about all the cool things that happened this year. My best example of this is Wesley Autrey, the father who jumped on the tracks to save a stranger from an oncoming train. When did that happen? January 2007. Paging Gladwell!! My theory is that the beginning of January is so friggin' cold that everyone is on their best behavior, and/or willing to go the extra mile just to get their blood flowing/get home asap. Or something like that.

5. It's Cool To Be A Survivor of a Plane Crash. Not only does it mean you're alive, but you have a cool story. And it's fairly one-upmanship proof, i.e. you tell about surviving a plane crashing into the hudson from geese attack and even the most obnoxious a-hole can't follow up with, "oh, you know that happened to me too!!!"

That's a cool feeling when you have a story like that.


More Hudson Plane Crash Coverage:
NBC New York
Gothamist

images: twitpic, gawker, gothamist

Dear Christina Applegate

"Christina Applegate, you gotta put me on..."

Who knew that legendary PM Dawn quotable about you would be so prescient?

Miss Bonita Applegate, you probably already know you have eternal TAN-cachet just off that ridiculously random hip hop reference, but I'm writing this letter to say I think you deserve dap of the highest order for being one of the few bombshells truly getting better with time.

As it turns out, your Kelly Bundy character was one of the more iconic ditzy-blonde-bimbo performances in the last 10-20+ years (wow, hard to believe it's been over 20 years since that show debuted). Kelly is/was possibly THE template for Trashy Teenage Trollop, and as The Sweetest Thing and Anchorman later showed, 'twas also the work of an actress with serious comedic skills:



But yesterday you raised the stakes by going on Good Morning America and letting folks know the results of your recent struggle with breast cancer. And since it's not too often you get to see a sex symbol, in her prime, talking about removing their first line of offense/defense via double mastectomy, I wanted to salute you. That move takes serious brass balls tacks, uh, labia-flaps.

Now you're 100% cancer-free and undergoing reconstructive surgery, so maybe we won't even know the difference next time we see you? But just in case things aren't the same -- and banking on your generous sense of humor -- I thought a couple clips capturing vintage usage of "the artists formerly known as your boobs" would be appropriate to celebrate. This is for the left:



and this tamer one is for the right:



Cameron Diaz & Christina Applegate - video powered by Metacafe

Good Luck,

TAN

My New Rap Name Is Wesley Autrey

If you're looking for a role model who's keeping it real in the '07, look no further than "Subway Superman" Wesley Autrey. Wesley, 50, father of two, jumped on the train tracks to save a stranger who had fallen down as an oncoming train approached. The subway was unable to stop before reaching the two would-be passengers:

Mr. Autrey was waiting for the downtown local at 137th Street and Broadway in Manhattan around 12:45 p.m. He was taking his two daughters, Syshe, 4, and Shuqui, 6, home before work.

Nearby, a man collapsed, his body convulsing. Mr. Autrey and two women rushed to help, he said. The man, Cameron Hollopeter, 20, managed to get up, but then stumbled to the platform edge and fell to the tracks, between the two rails.

The headlights of the No. 1 train appeared. “I had to make a split decision,” Mr. Autrey said.

So he made one, and leapt.

Mr. Autrey lay on Mr. Hollopeter, his heart pounding, pressing him down in a space roughly a foot deep. The train’s brakes screeched, but it could not stop in time.

You obviously need to read the story, but both Autrey and Hollopeter survived, on some straight cinematic ish. I'm sure Will Smith is optioning the movie rights as we speak.

Only a few days in, this may very well be the feel-good story of the year. And there's been plenty of hubbub. Michael Bloomberg awarded him the bronze star, the city's highest citizen award (previous winners include Martin Luther King, Muhammad Ali, and Gen. Douglas MacArthur). Donald Trump has given him $10K. MTA gave him a years supply of metrocards (woohoo! come on MTA, if ever there was a moment to give the lifetime metrocard this was it). There's talk of reality shows, and scholarships for his daughter. All very deserving.

Do read the NY Times opinion/comment section, where there are 540+ comments and counting, all amusingly speculating on whether they'd have the cajones to Do What Wesley Did.

Two subsequent thoughts that strike me: 1.) The man he saved was a stranger, and by himself, but what if he was there with his girlfriend or boyfriend? Obviously he's a hero/angel/new hardcore emcee moniker because anyone might pause before jumping in front of an oncoming train, even if you'd been dating for a while. But I'm totally amused by the idea that someone's partner falls in, they don't have the balls to save them, but this guy does. And now you have to face that in the aftermath. Would the relationship be over? If it were a married couple, would you just hold it over their head for the rest of all time? "I know you couldn't save me on the train tracks earlier, so just plan on taking out the trash and washing the dishes in perpetuity. Thanks. Oh, and the oral sex? Wesley's gonna be receiving that going forward. Just FYI."

2.) On the flip side, while I'm totally in the Wesley-as-angel camp, he did have two daughters, so it's not just his life he was risking. If the scene turns tragic, who knows how they might be affected. It's slightly less selfless (microscopically so) because of their presence.

Luckily it was all good, so we just get to watch a hero get his due. And I'm feeling all the rewards and accolades he's getting, so I might just start going around pushing people into traffic and on to train tracks just so I can save them and make some paper. Might be easier than getting paid via writing for magazines.

Man Is Rescued by Stranger on Subway Tracks [NY Times]
Subway Savior Showered With Gifts [Federal News Radio]