Blog It Forward

My family still likes to send forwards. That's why I love them. Sometimes they're of the classic variety and worthy of sharing, if only to establish the Great Forwards of our Time:

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe in 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh ? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

ONLY FORWARD IF YOU CAN READ THIS

Don't act like you don't know what to do.

The Only Entertaining Moment During The Oscars

Courtesy of Best Week Ever, this was a funny premise nicely played by Will Ferrell, Jack Black and later John C. Reilly.

Lord Finesse's Birthday Bash

Went to this show on Friday. Primo on the wheels, Chuck D. hosting, and a lineup of hip hop "golden era" veterans at Irving Plaza. I will write more about this later, but for now the only thing immediately imperative is sharing that Greg Nice has a myspace page. You should add him immediately.

"don't ask why, I got my own reasons ..."

Seriously, Nice & Smooth closed the show and absolutely killed it. I'm considering calling the mayor and lobbying for the last week in February to be heretoforwith known as Nice & Smooth week. Here's their submission to the Assimilation Pantheon: "Sometimes I Rhyme Slow"

More to come...
(and does anyone have a better copy of this video?)

TAN Live Blogs The Oscars

5:00 - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzz
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12:30 - huh? oh, YAY for Scorsese! (and Forest!)
zz
zzzzzz

(I might actually look to do video reaction to the Oscars today, but pretty sure all my questions will be about how long and boring it is)

Ghetto Pass: In Review

So this past week we put "The Logo" to rest. I don't think Ghetto Pass is completely R.I.P — we might break it out for special occasions — but as a weekly written feature it's done.

I've been feeling the video moves of late, and I'm looking forward to making more sweet love with Gawk videographer Richard Blakeley; so that'll be the regular TAN contribution to the Gawk empire while I figure out a feature that works for the new era.

Ghetto Pass was a huge success in the first half of its run. And then I got a little bored with the premise and started experimenting. Nothing really clicked in the experimental phase, though I still stand by the hip hop oriented subjects; I think those just played for the wrong crowd. Anygawk, the arc of the series makes me regret the blog tradition of newer always being on top, since the best clips are now at the bottom if you use the GP label. But White Castle was a nice way to close it out, and alls well that ends well.

Here were my favorites, and none-too-coincidentally, the first six in the series:

The Ghetto Chinese Spot
Corner Bodegas
Livery "Gypsy" Cabs
Ghetto Pickup Artists
The Long Booty (Street Entrepreneurs)
Person of the Year: You, Caucasians

Good times, good times.

The Assimilation Program: Writer's Track

McSweeney's celebrates Black History Month.

There are all sorts of Negro Assimilation ProgramS (NAPS). Some negroes want to go into finance. Some remain traditionalist, and prefer to emulate the caucasian mainstream by robbing them of their ipods and corduroy blazers and then, you know, using those items later to lure unsuspecting caucasianistas into their web of macabre miscegenation.

*cough*

But if you're on the Writer's Track, no assimilation program is complete without a clip from the Mecca of demonstrably Caucasian humor: McSweeney's.

Today I was fortunate enough to earn my Eggers Stripes and get my "Black History Month: An Objective Perspective" placed in the hallowed halls. So my caucasian peeps, if you're so inclined, feel free to pour a little latte for your boy.

What tickles me most is the byline: The Assimilated Negro. Venerable literary institutions can be picky with that sometimes, so I will always love them for respecting the three little words that are destined to end enhance racism around the globe.

And look ma, I didn't even use the word "negro."

Black History Month: An Objective Perspective [McSweeney's]

Eddie Murphy Haterade Is Not Pretty

Wow, found this via Liam McEneany (say that 700 times fast). I can't believe this guy (Fred Travalena) actually got a full five minutes to run with this Eddie Murphy impression-schtick. Satirizing a comedian is difficult -- as Fred capably demonstrates -- because you have to emulate all the tics and characterizations PLUS (and this is the part Fred forgot) you have to actually be funny within that style. Worth watching for shock, but I'm not sure there's a legitimate laugh in the whole bit:

Jackin' For Content

A reader sent this spotting a while ago, and I forgot to post it. It appears CBS Sportsline and Mike Freeman really enjoyed my Negro Bowl idea and decided to use it for themselves.

At first I thought it was just a quick reference, and I didn't think anything of it. But then I saw my boy Mike really feeling himself on it:

This week's edition of MMM revolves around the word "negro." It got you folks all riled up. I called the Super Bowl featuring two black coaches "The Negro Bowl." Lots of letters. Lots and lots of letters to MMM.

The word "negro" gets folks riled up? OH SNAP! I might have to use it sometime. Oh, and "The Negro Bowl" coinage ... so inspired.

"If a white reporter wrote this article, you would be screaming that he was a racist," wrote a reader. "I guess it is supposed to be acceptable since you are a black man."

It is acceptable because MMM is funny with a dash of brilliance.

I totally agree, a white guy might have trouble writing about "Negro Bowl." But can't TAN be funny with a dash of brilliance also? Plus I easily have the better of the three-letter all-caps acronyms.

"Mike, I'm a humor columnist for the daily in Syracuse," wrote one absolute genius. "Just had to say I laughed out loud at your Negro Bowl line. I might have to use it in my Friday column and if I do I will credit you. Funny stuff."

HAHAHAHAHA, so funny! I just got it!!! Negro Bowl is friggin' HILARIOUS. What a "line." But what I really like is how this guy notes that he will credit Mike. What a novel idea. But I guess CBS and Mike don't agree, since TAN couldn't get a shout.

I mean it's not like I had three segments done, with video in the can, before they could say,

Since the matchup first became reality, I have been calling this The Negro Bowl. It's a joke, people. Lighten up.

(Ha! I keep forgetting that it's a joke. So funny.)

And it's not like if you put "Negro Bowl" in Google you get hit over the head with

TAN & Deadspin got this covered, thanks.

Oh wait! It is like that.

It's all good though, I believe in the communal reservoir of ideas, and honestly, I've been dying for someone to jack some of my stuff. It's sort of an internet write-of-passage. Plus, I'm the last person to try and hate on a brother trying to use the word "negro" to his advantage. Spread the negro-love baby.

And really, compared to my five-part package, it's kind of like when Jay-Z said, "you made it a hot line, I made it a hot song..."

Except, I made it a hot line also.

The OFFICIAL coverage of Negro Bowl I [Deadspin]
CBS Sportsline Bootleg Edition [CBS Sportsline]

Bald Britney: TAN On The Streets (video)

As we did for Negro Bowl I, Richard Blakeley and I hit the streets to hear what people thought about this Bald Britney drama. Here are the video results:



First Responders: Bald Britney [Gawker]

Guys Night Out: President's Day Edition

So I think I'm going to start a new feature on TAN, and I'm calling it "Guys Night Out." Fairly self explanatory, these evenings always unfold in different ways, and it's time to start documenting. Maybe we'll learn something. You'll see I had a Guys Night Out with copyranter and some non-bloggers a couple weeks ago, it concluded with electrifying footage of me crying over a piece of Popeye's fried chicken (film not posted), so obviously someone needs to be telling these stories. I think the only stipulation/rule needed is three or more guys (at the start of the evening), and alcohol ... mix it all together and you have:

GUYS NIGHT OUT!!!!

Prelude: The Friendship Credit System

So this edition occurs on Sunday eve, the night before President's Day. And it was one of the rare episodes actually initiated by TAN. I'm usually lured into nights on the town, I don't usually start them, after all Negro Bowl coverage doesn't just write itself while I'm out drinking Ketel & Crans.

But this Sunday I thought I set us up with a no-brainer. The crew that runs okayplayer was having a birthday party, open bar, at this downtown wine spot Von. I might be doing some work with them (stop sleeping on the TAN takeover), plus I feel the okayplayer brand carries an implicit promise of cute girls that like hip hop; so combine that with Von being right off my train line (the 6), a holiday the next day, and free drinks ...as I said, no-brainer.

I recruited two fellow assimilated negro associates, we'll call them TAN2 and TAN3 for now. And while TAN3 was equally enthused and offered little reticence, TAN2 was fronting because he was one of the few people that had to go to work the next day. Kickoff time at Von was 9:30, so it would be tough for it to be an early night, and he was concerned about the consequences for Monday.

This led to the prelude centering around forming the skeleton for a Friendship Credit System. TAN2 kept making sure that I knew he was going out to be "a good friend," and that in the context of work it was sort of a pain in the ass. But after hearing him going on about this for a while, I told him that while he gets some credit, it's not that big of a deal, for all of the reasons I cited above. The comparison was made to the act of picking up food/pizza delivery at TAN2's four-floor walkup apartment. So then I started thinking about the chip system that earns you friendship credits. For example, if the party was located all the way on the west side and we had to do a bunch of walking in the cold, that would add chips to the table. And if there happened to be a ton of girls at this party, it would take chips off because I'd be doing him a favor. The rest of the trip to Von consisted of figuring out how many chips TAN2 had earned. The final statement was made after getting off the train, while crossing the street TAN2 sort of prevented me from being hit by a car, and immediately tacked on big numbers to his chip count. We never did seal down a reward system though, i.e. x # of chips = you buy me a ticket to Vegas. Maybe next time.

Von: The Ironic Appeal of Crowds

We got to Von around 10:15 or so, and it was already very crowded, and people were continuing to pour in. I left TAN2 at the bar so I could case the joint and look for the birthday girl (whom I hadn't met in person). I spotted her, and exchanged a few pleasantries, but it was tough to do any talking. I got the "code" for the open bar and returned to share the info with TAN2. When we finally got to the bartender I was informed, "the tab has run out, no more open bar." YES!! Awesome. The bartender actually looked out and gave free drinks on that round, but I guess tabs run out quickly when the place is overstuffed. That also crossed off one of the bullets on the "no-brainer checklist," TAN2 was adding more chips to his tally.

Since moving around was a headache, we planned to stay at the bar for the first round, then re-up and move to the back. It seems to me bars have a really small window for being actually conducive to the process of meeting people etc.. If you go to a bar or spot where no one is there, then "it's dead" and no one wants to be there. But if it's crowded and poppin', you can't get around or talk or do anything. You need that balance, and how often do you get that? I think this is the main reason why bars aren't inherently compelling to me.

So we moved to the back and waited to hear from TAN3, who was coming from an earlier outing. In the process we got to talk a little bit with some of the okaypeeps, so at least part of the mission was accomplished. But it was all cumbersome, all moving about required traffic cones and people being punched in the face for fear of them knocking into your glass of wine. TAN2 premised that since he was out, he could stay out (he actually said that after his first sip of wine, alcohol solves everything with him), but we'd need to change venues since this one was frustrating. So when TAN3 finally arrived, we appraised him of the scene. Fought through the crowd for one more drink, and then we bounced.

The Crawl: There Is No Force More Powerful Than Drunken Hunger

At this point TAN2 and myself realized we had not eaten, and the hunger was consuming our brains. All speculation on venues were based on their proximity to an adequate eating establishment. There were two main options: No Malice Palace, which has a vintage taco shack next door. Or Keybar, which is down the block from a Popeye's, and was the main venue for the aforementioned episode with copyranter. We theorized the taco shack would be closed on a cold Sunday night, so Keybar it was. Three negroes successfully hailed a cab, and we pulled up just as Popeye's was closing their doors. CURSES!!! I was so disappointed, but we went into Keybar anyways, where my misery was compounded by getting the worst glass of wine (merlot) I've ever partially consumed. TAN2 at this point was ready to start heading home, but TAN3 was still looking for action. We decided to give No Malice and the tacos a shot.

Three negroes successfully hailed a cab AGAIN, and we pulled up just as the Taco Shack was closing its doors. DAMN YOU GOD, HAVE YOU NO MERCY!!! We went into No Malice still hungry, but at least here we had some hip hop music playing. No Malice should have been the place we came to first, we would have gotten the tacos, and the scene was nice. Instead, TAN2 and myself were now totally all about getting some food. My dodgeball had been blowing up with people at Lit Lounge, where they have a karaoke night every Sunday, and usually an open bar to accompany for an hour or two. There are also eating options around.

At Lit we ran into some familiar friends and bloggers. But the segue of going from a smoother hip hop spot to an indie rock scene with people doing ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE karaoke ... that was a little tough. Nevertheless, we held it down for a little while with friends. We considered doing a Three Negroes version of "99Problems," but I wasn't down. After a few drinks we decided to wrap it up. TAN3 still wasn't hungry, so he took off on his own to catch the last Path train of the night. TAN2 and myself hit up Veselka to go. And two negroes hailed their third cab of the night. Which I guess means the night, all in all, wasn't too bad. At least I have something to tell my grandkids.

(also, considering nothing really happened on this GNO, I have to find a way to make this a little more succint)

Best Intents

The tragedy … I don’t understand. All around us. Heartbreak. Everyday.

The moment when you realize a relationship is not going to be forever, it manifests in different ways:

Joe looked at her, and though he couldn’t quite make out the details in the distance, he saw the end. He felt the heavy sadness return, as it always does.

He smiled. Sometimes a smile is one of the most challenging things you’ll do. We communicate so much without talking. A smile can constitute work. A smile can be a chore. Work is not a 9-5, 10-6, 12-8 thing. It’s 24-hours. It’s not measured by time. It’s a constant opportunity. Work is a transaction. It is a sacrifice of oneself. A crucifixion? ... maybe? ... sometimes?

Smiling for her, at this moment, felt like a crucifixion. He would now ask her if she’s ever seen “The Passion.” She would be none the wiser, even if she saw the film.

"Have you seen The Passion?"

"Yeah, I'm not into violence, but I really liked that movie. It was powerful."

He smiled again and looked in her eyes for any unconscious/subconscious acknowledgment of their tragic dilemma. There was an awkward pause...

[Aside: Instead of déjà vu, the “glitch in the Matrix” could have been awkward pauses. I think in my Matrix, people are like circuits. So instead of being pieces of code, we all make up the circuitry of SUPER DEVICE LIFE. And when we interact with emotion or passion, it creates a charge. That electricity, whether positive or negative, supplies the power to SUPER DEVICE LIFE. One could say "don't live life like an apathetic impassive dead battery," but sometimes it's totally appropriate to preserve your charge. We are, after all, finite resources. So awkward pauses would be the glitches in the SUPER DEVICE where two circuits are both evaluating their level of juice. Recalibrating their emotional investment. On or off. I suspect if we transcribed the silence found in awkward pauses, we could fill volumes.]

"Yeah, me too."

Joe thought about the prospect of not seeing her again, and it made him feel sad and alive.

Former News Anchor/Rapist Now Looking For Work

Everyone's Talking About White Castle

The White Castle Valentine story continues to turn the odometer, as TAN gets shouted out in the City section of Sunday's NY Times. I just love that I'm a good trend indicator for White Castle:

It was the second year that she and her team at “Castle No. 2,” as the place is officially known, had participated in the company’s nationwide Valentine’s Day promotion, and the year before had been a success.

For this year, a mix of fawning and snarky local news media coverage — including a win-a-date contest with the blogger The Assimilated Negro — seemed to augur well.

Holla. I guess when the contest was announced, there was a boardroom full of execs somewhere:

Gentlemen I've just gotten very good news, ... TAN's in this year! This is going to be a live story for Gawker. Can you feel the snarky media coverage? *hi fives* This augurs well people. This augurs well.

So, that's cool ... waddup J. David Goodman. Also please note the pictures and how they correspond to my Ghetto Pass descriptions. Flourescents - CHECK, shiny red table cloths - CHECK, "reserved" signs courtesy of Commodore 64 - CHECK. We didn't have balloons at ours.

I hope I start collecting royalties off the slyder sales.

Slyders By Candlelight [NYTimes]
TAN's White Castle Valentine [Gawker]

White Castle Valentine: He Said She Said

Forgot to post this over here. We wanted to do some sort of video wrap-up of the White Castle Valentine, and Richard came up with the idea of doing it Love Connection style. So we did individual interviews and he cut them together. Results below:



Valentine's Video Wrap-up [Gawker]
White Castle Valentine [Gawker]

Beatbox + Flute = Hip Hop Fire

I saw this guy on the train here in NYC a couple months ago, he did a ridiculously hot set with his friend on the cello or violin or some string ish. I almost had to grab the mic right there on the platform. Anyflute, I just found him on youtube: Greg Pattillo, here doing Inspector Gadget, then remix/blending into "Axel F" (the theme song from the Beverly Hills Cop soundtrack).



While receiving Greg's blessing I also found another guy, Tim Barsky, who also rocks the Flute-Beatbox:



Who says hip hop is dead? Respect the evolution ...

Greg Pattillo [myspace]
Tim Barsky [timbarsky]