This Blog Is A Time Killer

My mortality sickens me. The cold hard female-moustache reality on aging is that it’s a countdown. You are born and the clock starts -- tick, tick, tick -- and at some point the buzzer goes off and the dream will be over. More than god, or love, or American Apparel, this is probably the one thing the most people believe to be true. And it’s not a source of joy or happiness. Sure, the tragedy of it all is good for comedy; but the laughter is always at you, never with you. Whatever you do or say, it’s a joke. Ha. No, seriously. Ha!!

So I don’t like birthdays. And it’s the same way I don’t like funerals. It’s like, duuude, who wants to go to a Sadness Party, y’know? Thinking about it, I might actually prefer funerals. Birthdays are this big charade of happiness, but meanwhile all you really want to do is cry and say, “I’m sorry for your loss. That’s a tough break on those 365 days they took. We’ll get the bastard, I SWEAR IT!”

The thing is, when I go to birthday parties and cry and tell them we’ll get the bastard, I’m not just being nice. I really mean it. I’m going to get that bastard! DO YOU HEAR ME, TIME?? THERE'S NOT ENOUGH ROOM IN THIS TOWN FOR THE BOTH OF US! ONE OF US IS NOT LEAVING THIS WORLD/DIMENSION ALIVE!!

Have I mentioned my medication that getting older is sad and disgusting? I loathe it. And I loathe to use the word “loathe,” but I really do. It’s the perfect word for the occasion. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the first word invented. God created Time, then Loathe. Then Hate, Murder, Rape and Pestilence. Then Kittens. And Cute Girls. On a child’s first birthday, I always give them an index card with the word “loathe.” I think it makes the perfect gift (after an iphone!), plus it’s something they can grow with and keep forever.

Shouldn’t we celebrate birthdays and funerals the same way? One is: “Who’s dead? Let’s congregate.” And the other is, “Who’s closer to dying? Let’s congregate.” Either way, let’s get that Patron popping! Woo-Hoo!

Of course an old white man once told me that another old white man said, “Youth is wasted on the young, just as blackness is wasted on black people” And for some reason I think this is a good place to use that line.

Aging apologists like to point to my poverty, personality, and alcoholism as the source of my depression. Also, my average-sized penis (it's rude to point!). But definitely not my “maturation.” I am in fact getting better with time. But that is where the Criss Angel Mindfreak happens. Because I’m not getting better with time, I’m getting better with experience.

[earnest pause here]

This is what goads me the most about time. The vanity! The chutzpah! Everything we know and do is invested in time. Jobs, relationships, love, hate, it all seemingly fluctuates with time. But no! It’s all a ruse. Or so we hope...

The signs of our disbelief and rebellion are as persistent as the enemy itself. We never act our age. And never-turning-30 is always the-new-20 which is always the-new-47. I’ve been friends with this person for two months, but it feels like years. I’ve been blogging for a year and change, but it feels like forever. I can have sex for six minutes, but it feels like two. It’s all just friggin' numbers as long as the chick is hot!

We just have to work on ignoring Time. Separating him from our perception of experience. Either all experience is timeless. Or time only passes when we experience. Regardless, the seconds and minutiae don't matter. And that's what I'm here for, to make sure that prophecy is fulfilled. My "about me" should simply read "Time Killer." Sent here so that we would no longer be burdened by this oppressive institution of aging. The realm of our experience has no boundaries, time or otherwise. We just have to believe it. You could put a chicken in the oven right now, and cook it, and never have to look at the time. You can just experience when the chicken is done.

Go ahead. Try it. Put something in the oven. Maybe a meatloaf. Then forget about time...

Now go back the next "day" and see what you have. If you've been focusing, it should be a nice fresh tasty meat loaf. If it's burned, then try again, but this time THINK HARDER.

Anyage, I've gotten a little lost here, and I have to wrap this up because, uh, well the sun is going down. But just know, this is not the end. We're going to lick this mortality thing! We're going to do it together! And next time you see Time, tell him TAN said he's a dead man.


Related:
Eternal Now (audio) [TAN]

How About You Two Ladies Come Home With Me and Slap The Sh*t/Estrogen Out Of Each Other?

Does that sound nice? Yes? Good. Cause I don't want sex. I only want to watch you do this:
via Jezebel

Of course, like jazz, hip hop and Jessica Biel's ass, girl-on-girl bitchslap orgies are just another thing started by black people only to cross-over and be co-opted by the man:



This next one should be watched on youtube for the comment that offers this slap analysis:

"It wasn't fair b/c harlem kept turning her head as the slap came towards her while jersey kept her head straight..but jersey's slap got weaker as the rounds went on while h's slaps were consistant. I can't believe i'm commenting on this stupid crap LoL"

Yes, me neither. But let's check the video tape:



Maybe I need someone to slap some sense into me, but this is hot! Forget Claire Huxtable, I need me a Smackfest Champion type of girl. Holla!

Machetes Are The New iPhone

Price of machetes drops after elections in Nigeria [Reuters]

Alternative Headline:

something something -- Slash Prices, Africa, Irony -- something something

any ideas for a good headline on this story?

Yeah, But How Come They Never Shoot Off Any Black Fireworks?

Every year I go check out the fireworks on July 4th, and every year I'm reminded of how far my people have to go. In this country we will never truly be "independent" until black people can look up and see fireworks that represent them hidden against the nighttime sky.

Rainy 4th of July [Newsday]

Six Asses That Changed America

Ass! Everybody loves ass nowadays. Scientists study it. Jessica Biel has perfected it. And us minorities love to holler at it. But alass (snort), twas not always the case. So in celebration of, I don't know, Ass Tuesday, let's take a quick trip through the history of our dear derriere and cop a feel on Six Asses That Changed America.



Saartjie Baartman: The story of ass in America unfortunately begins with tragedy. And, fittingly enough, not in America (oh no, I'm in the wrong piece!). The original rumpshaker belonged to Saartjie Baartman, also known as the Hottentot Venus. The original video-ho, she made it clap and toured Europe to pay the bills. I'm surprised more of these video girls don't rock the "HV" on their cheeks just out of respect.


Marilyn Monroe: Sweet Marilyn of course is our first iconic white-girl-with-curves. Plumpness in general was more appreciated back in the days, but her status as the quintessential "Sex Symbol" makes her special. Plus, look at that picture! I'd hit that! Miss Monroe's hourglass shape also became the model for the caucasian ass template, which prioritizes a high hippiness-to-flesh ratio. If not genetics, then Marilyn may be the reason white girls are widescreen, and black women are Imax 3D.


Baby Got Back: Can you believe this song won a grammy!!! And was banned on MTV?! What style! What substance! Sir Mix-A-Lot inadvertently gave booty a culture. It was kind of like passing the Civil Rights Act for ass. That's why you can't sleep on these silly pop songs. In twenty years who knows what revolution of ecological conservation will have been inspired by the line, "'til the sweat drips from my balls." That's energy people!

JLo - Jennifer Lopez, perhaps the most famous ass in the contemporary era. She turned booty into capital. We always knew booty could dance, but we didn't know it could sing (kinda). And act (sorta). And sell perfume (definitely!). Insuring your hindquarters for a billion dollars takes brass ... buns! J Lo is like Ayn Rand and Susan B. Anthony with ass. And I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like a party!

Beyonce - Miss Knowles, also known as The J-Lo 4000, isn't quite packing the same heat. But she's an astute and diligent student of the game. She knows how to use it. She knows how to flaunt it. And she was able to provide support for her booty-enterprise with genuine talent. She is currently regarded as the perfect black woman by all black males between the ages of 18-34, and her booty plays no small part in that. It's also no coincidence the song that put Beyonce on the map was Bootylicious. After Sir Mix-A-Lot and JLo we were in fact very ready for that jelly.

Jessica Biel - While J-Lo and Beyonce were showing minorities how to work it in the Modern Booty Era, white women were caught in a dilemma. The Marilyn Monroe model had been put on the shelf, and no one filled the void to show caucasian sisters how to really fill out those jeans with spunk. Sure 'Ye and 'Lo were assimilated enough to provide inspiration for all girls across the board. But the light-skins needed someone swimming more firmly in their own gene pool. Kylie Minogue flared up, but her plan was too high maintenance. And Anna Marie Cox was just an ass. She didn't have any. This was a serious problem until caucasians discovered the hips that hold the Cistine Chapel of Cadonkadonk, the Holy Grail of Grabbable Glutes, that Bountiful Bastion of Beautiful Backside known as Biel, Jessica. And so now here we are. Not much more to say besides, "I do."

Oh and I almost forgot one more. The missing link in booty evolution. MAN!:

Tonight We Eat Eagle!

Bald Eagle No Longer On Endangered Species [Discovery]


Alternative Headline:
Bald Eagle Not Endangered, Still Insecure About Hair Loss

Beware of the Pigeons

What do you think about pigeons?

I'm very suspicious of them. It's like, what are they here for really?

They run in packs, but yet they act totally independent. They want to eat, shit, and piss wherever. But then they always come begging for food. It's like they're permanent bird-teenagers.

But I have a theory on pigeons. I think they're roving spy-cameras for the government.

This isn't a passing notion here. I've had this thought for years. My body is now conditioned to physically respond to pigeons as if they're roving spy-cameras for the government. When they're around I act as if someone's watching me.

Here's an example:

Say I'm at home by myself. And I get a little urge to rub one out (y'know, I'm watching NY1 or something).

Of course the beauty of living alone is you can do whatever you want, wherever you want.

So I get into it, and what invariably happens halfway into the session is a pigeon will fly up on my windowsill and start peering into the apartment.

(This may actually be how the pigeon-cam theory started because I just don't understand a pigeon flying on to the windowsill while you're openly masturbating and not flying away. AND THEY DO IT ALL THE TIME!

Plus, they're not acting like whimsical pigeons with little brains who can't focus on anything. They always seem to "take notice" and look directly at you. And by you I mean me. )

Of course once you're into a session, no man is to be denied. So I eventually tune them out and continue raping myself. But just so the government agents who monitor the footage know that I'm on to them, I usually give the pigeon some sort of wink or acknowledgment. I just don't like anyone to think they have something on me. And when the government eventually calls me in, and plays me back hours and hours of masturbation footage, I'm going to say, "whatever dorks, I knew you were watching all along." And right then, at the moment when I should feel most embarrassed, I'm going to feel the most pride.

Triumph at the Tony's

Triumph is one of the greatest things man has ever created. And he was on his game for the Tony's.
(via cajun boy)


And just so we have them collected:
Triumph vs. Star Wars - Robert Smigel, creator of Triumph, said he thought this was the greatest 10 minutes of television in the past twenty years or so.
Robert Smigel NPR Interview - Where he makes the claim above. Triumph also appears and asks, "are these the same questions you asked Kermit The Frog?" amongst other things.
Triumph Does Weather For Local Hawaii News Channel - another quality clip

It's A Black Man's Game

So silly. But this 12 seconds of racism really works for me:

SoHo Knows: Are You Getting An iPhone?

The iphone is coming! The iphone is coming!! Lock your doors. Stock up on water and canned goods. The iphone is coming!!!


First Responders [Gawker]

The Quest For Claire Huxtable

Does the title not say it all? Are there any black guys who don't immediately know what I'm talking about? Are there any people who are unfamiliar with this aspect of the post-80s human condition?

If you're of the Huxtable generation -- which I'd say is anyone who tuned in when The Cosby Show reigned over the earth -- then you know the power of Claire. A few years ago, she was voted best tv mom (not a great picture there, but we know that second chin is made of love.)

There are middle-aged white mothers having nightmares about her gold standard.

And every night millions of TANs go to bed dreaming they will someday run into their own.

Here's how I came upon the Claire Huxtable epiphany:

After dating a string of caucasian ladies through this very site, I started seeing a black girl. And quite frankly, it opened up a whole can of whoop-ass on my dome. After years of reprogramming in prep school and college, I didn't realize how out of touch I was with the delicious taboo of black-on-black crime love like. (Plus the girl was going to Harvard for grad school, so I could imagine her becoming a Doctor or Lawyer, and I could be a, um, Prolific Blogger. And she'd buy me a laptop for Xmas. And I'd buy her Monopoly and teach her a valuable lesson about economics and savings. On my blog. It would be perfect!)

Soon everywhere I looked I was seeing little Rudys and Theos walking around being bratty and dealing with very solvable life issues. I purchased a three-cushion sofa and conducted all my affairs on it, or in the kitchen. And I even made her some of TAN's Special Homemade Chili. But alas, the theme song never played.

I've since acquired some perspective, and reverted back to my ritual of weekly sacrifice to the gods of white women for date prospecting (every Sunday I prick my finger and feed the blood to a Coach bag that lives in my closet). And while I still cling to Claire, being of a different race isn't a dealbreaker for me (little Lisa Bonets running around can work also). I might equate intra-racial dating with a Tivo level of importance. It can play a big role in my life, but it's not what I would call an "apocalyptic-necessity." It's a nice luxury item. It can make things easier. It brings a certain sense of smoothness and efficiency. There's less to think about. But you certainly don't NEED it.

(although many folks swear by their tivo, soooo, I guess that works also...)

This is all to say that the links above, and my own story make a case that Claire Huxtable, the perfect professional black woman, transcends race. And maybe white (or other non-black) guys quest for her as well? I know we don't want to give her up, but I honestly can't think of a more iconic wife/mother-figure for any race.

It may be that Mrs. Huxtable also transcends generations. There aren't any contemporary Claire Huxtables out there. What mother is hot right now? Carmela Soprano? In the "best tv-mom" contest that Claire won, Marge Simpson came in third. And as far as the strong-black-woman type, they either have too much focus on their career, or too much forehead ... or both!

So if she transcends everything, I wonder: Is Claire Huxtable a ghost? Should I give up the dream? Is she dead? Like God? And hip hop? Must all our heroes perish never to be born again?

(maybe she died and was reborn as Rudy?? That would be hot!)

Where are you Claire? I need you to shush me. And to snatch those fattening hoagies out of my mouth. And to raise our children with sound morals and integrity. And to raise your eyebrow in that PG13-sexy kind of way.

Where are you? Are you out on the town right now, dancing to Umbrella? I can't imagine it, but maybe ... be ... be?

Well if you're out there, Claire, please come quick. This chili is getting cold, and they don't take Monopoly money at the corner bodega.

Claire Huxtable T-Shirts? [I Want A Claire Huxtable]
Or Here? [Shad myspace]

Dear TAN: I Hate Black People

I once started a neverending interview, but now we're switching to a "Dear TAN" feature. Send your questions/letters to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com.

In this edition: Hate Mail!

Dear TAN,

Just read you Google Blog Page of the same name as your EMAIL Address.

Boy - did that ever open my eyes up, and confirm everything I ever though was true about the black race - but just wasn't completely sure

IT CONFIRMED THE FOLLOWING FACTS FOR ME ----

1. That after 5000 years of existence, the black race has accomplished absolutely ZERO. Africa still sells slaves to their own kind. And the current generation in America (which were never slaves) still bitch about 400 years ago. All this while their real fore-fathers in Africa are in a Living Hell. I don't see a massive relief effort in place by the Black Population of the USA to help. Too busy Rappin', Raping, Killing and Stealing.

2. By the way, the City that you consider your "Jewell of the South" -- New Orleans -- is getting back to normal. So at least you can be proud of that. Before Katrina, the Murder Rate was only 9 times more than New York. You will be happy to know that with only 1/2 the population there -- it has jumped to 12 times the Murder Rate of New York. Now that's what I call progress!! All of this while most of the black population is laid up in free hotels, waiting for the white man to rebuild his home -- that he was either too stupid to buy insurance for, too lazy to buy insurance for, or drank and gambled his insurance payment away. Don't see a mad rush of Black Volunteers from the USA helping. Only Bitching. Or rappin', or raping, or stealing, or killing. As usual.

3. Name me one REAL intelligent invention created by the Black Man. Maybe the Phone, the Train, the Plane, the Car, Electricity, Internet, the Light Bulb, a Cigarette Lighter, the Pen, the Pencil, the Baby Diaper, --do I need to go on for page after page. You haven't contributed ANYTHING to this Country or this Society. NOTTA!! My bad -- you have given us the following:

--The Boom Box
--Pigs Feet
--Full Jails
--Murders a Plenty
--Rapings a Plenty
--Robbings a Plenty
--Laziness a Plenty
--Sucking off the Government a Plenty
--Useless Rap Music that Poisons all Kids
--An NBA no one watches or cares about anymore
--Using your Race Card everytime you commit a crime
--Not policing up your own filthy streets from trash and crime.
--Talking like Animals. No one can understand your new Rap Language
--Acting Like Animals when you go overseas to embarrass this Country
--Sports Goof Steven A. Smith. Sounds like he has a 3d Grade Education
--Terrell Owens and Randy Moss. Talk about Class-Less Animals
--Louis Farrakan Worthless
--Jesse Jackson Worthless
--Al Sharpton Worthless
--Pac Man Jones Worthless
--O.J. Simpson Worthless x 10
--Crack Cocaine Dealers
--Pimps
--Children Carrying Machine Guns and Pistols
--Streets full of Beggars and Muggers
--Racism on your part against Mexicans, who actually want to earn thier check
--Homosexual Men at twice the rate of other Races
--Destroyed and Looted and Run-Down Cities Nationwide
--A Different Pagan Religion and Holiday -- KWAANZA. What a waste of time

4. Millions of children who don't have Fathers. Most of them because their mothers have slept with dozens of men to support their drug habit -- and they have no clue who their Father is. Ends up being mine and Uncle Sam's. What's the chances you Black Women can close your legs long enough to get a job to support a child that you actually PLAN?? My guess - ZERO.

5. Barak Obama. A devout Muslim running for President while we are fighting the Muslims in War. And Blacks World-Wide love him. Say what?? How friggin' stupid can you blacks be supporting a Muslim when their main mission is to destroy the United States and Israel. That means they WILL chop your worthless heads off too!! Man you dudes are ignorant. Will you ever wake up from your 5000 year sleep?

6. You Black Americans have it better than ANY other Blacks on the planet. Especially the real Africans (hint - not you). You don't live in Africa. So how can you be African-American? They earn about a Nickel a Day at best. You spend 5$ a day on the Lottery and $10 a day on Booze. When you gonna' help your fellow man in Africa. Until you do - I am sick of you even mentioning the word Africa. You can't fool anybody - you worthless, lazy slugs.

7. IN CLOSING -- It has become Crystal Clear to me now. When Cain killed Abel - God put a Curse AND a Mark on him - and shipped him off to the wilderness. The Curse was explained:

--You will toil all your life, but never have enough to eat. Your ground will be hard and you will struggle every generation without end Hungry and Thirsty.

--The Mark was not explained until now. It is the BLACK RACE. What other race produces nothing but Killing and Murder. Makes no meaningful contribution to Society. Always wants what someone else has - for free. That is the EXACT description of Cain in the Book of Genesis. And that is the EXACT description of the Black Race.

8. Thank you for opening my eyes!!

-Chris

On Thursdays We Grab Titties

So girly-blog Jezebel has this post announcing that holla season is back (ladies of the 'Bel: do check out my boy VK, he's the proprietor of a popular DC blog that has much entertaining prose on "the dark art of the holla." Fellas should check him out also (nullus).).

The source material comes from Kimberly Klinger, racist, who has been keeping some sort of cat-call spreadsheet in the interest of launching a two-part attack on the neighborhood heterosexual immigrants who harass her with come-ons once or twice a week. First Kimberly confesses she's a racist (agh, aren't we all sista-girl?), and explains why sexism trumps racism in her Court of Minority Offenses. Her dilemma: Kimberly went to college, so she knows she shouldn't hate brown (excluding the hunky UPS guy of course), but what's a pretty white girl to do in the face of such aggressive misogyny? Just lay out her vagine in a chalupa or bucket of fried chicken? In part two of Kimberly's Mein Kampf she lays down the gauntlet and shares her Top 15 Hollas, so that we can get a little glimpse into her personal Holla-Hell (hella?).

Now before we commence with the tarring and feathering, I should say I agree with Klinger about sexism trumping racism, or as I like to say at cocktail parties: "the penis is mightier than the skin." Sex, and the reproductive drive, is a stronger impulse than racism. Just ask any lion on the street, he'll tell you.

But Klinger's fretting over her racism comes off as disingenuous. For example, look at some of these excerpts from her Holla Diaries:

"A short, 30-something man walks toward me, moves closer, and blatantly looks me up and down. He sucks his breath through his teeth and utters “sexy.” Really? I kind of smell

Walking in rain on street, jeans, coat, hat, etc. Some guy sticks his face almost totally under my umbrella to say, “Hello, sweetie.” Gross. It’s 9 a.m.!

Dec. 30, 2006
Late night, walking from car to apartment: From across street, from a guy getting out of his car, hear grunts, kissy noise, and the popular low-pitched “beauuuutiful.” I have on jeans, sneaks, puffy winter coat. Puffy winter coat.

Jan. 2, 2007
Walking from bus to apartment: Jackass standing at parking meters, calls out, “Hey sweetie,” as I walk by.

(these two I included the dates on to point out: it's holiday season, lighten up mami!)

Also, is about my dad’s age. Gross."

Don't these sound weird? I think it's because she chooses to provide these odd details about her holla worthiness (i.e. "I look a total wreck"). But to notice when she's sweaty, or wearing a puffy coat, or thinking about her father totally misses the point. It's like she's being sexist about the sexism. If she were dolled up in a dress, would she then smile and say, "that's right, I'm working it tonight!" No one cares what her outfit is. Everyone gets holla'd at, and she knows this, but apparently her diary doesn't. Meanwhile all the approachers are generic "guys" (but we know what kind of guys they are *wink, wink, hiss, hiss*).

Then she drops this one:

"The armchair sociologist in me knows it's all about power"

Uh, wrong. Your armchair sociologist needs to get off the couch and go talk to some of them thar ethnics. If anything, those who would cat-call on the street lack power. These aren't f'ing gorillas on the discovery channel sparring for a mate. More often than not, these are guys hanging out cause they got nothing better to do. This is a citified version of fishing. Just casting out the net and seeing what gets stuck. Maybe have some beers while you do it. You don't need a sociology degree to know this (congrats on that, btw!). Just pop your head out of your ass for ten seconds. They're just saying hello (and also letting you know that if you wanted to have sex or something they wouldn't necessarily disapprove).

Well, I guess I would if I weren't feeling annoyed, threatened, and scared. The tone of most harassment is very hostile. Sometimes it escalates to full-on yelling. I've been grabbed and groped.

I'd like to see Kimberly tell me this part face-to-face, so I could see her avert her eyes and look down to the left (is it down-left or down-right? not sure if she's lying or recalling some memory of the ocean). Anyrape, I find this hard to swallow from a girl who's been tracking all her cat-calls for six months. So are the rapes noted in the holladex also? I mean, I'm sorry, but I just don't believe it. You can't casually throw in "grabbing and groping" like we (society) just find that acceptable these days. From minorities no less. When the Puerto Ricans have their National Grope Day Parade in NYC, guess what? There are arrests made. In record numbers. I've never heard a girl say, "oh, watch out for 125th street today, apparently on Thursdays they be grabbin' titties." Come on, that's assault. People don't do that. Even the negroes and papi-chulos. The average minority on the street is not trying to see no policeman. Period. They may walk within an inch of your body, but they are conscious of that inch. That's part of the artistry.

Meanwhile I bet KK (leave off the last K for "Krazee!") is all smiles and giggles at the office when the button-down frat-boys compliment her "skirt and boots."

The only thing I can come up with is to make people aware of it. Many times, when I tell a male friend what's up, he looks at me in amazement, and says, "I had no idea it was that bad." Well, guess what, dude? It is.

Yeah, and guess what, girl? You're a racist bitch cutie-pie.

Don't keep a diary of your racism and bother your male (white?) friends with it. Just rent West Side Story and get over yourself.

(oh, and also pick-up last month's Penthouse)

holla!


Diary of a Cat-Call Hater [ Washington City Paper]
Holler of Fame [Jezebel]

SoHo Knows: Mike Bloomberg For President?

New York's been buzzing about whether Mike Bloomberg should run for President. But what about the Black Panther Party? And antiquity?? And G-strings??? This week's First Responders connects all those dots and more:

(click image for video)

First Responders [Gawker]

The 50 Cent Vitamin Water Commercial

So here's the relatively new Vitaminwater commercial featuring 50 Cent:



Vitaminwater is on the cutting edge of youth-voice marketing. Off the top of my head I can't think of a brand, beside Apple, that has so effectively used the power of "cool" advertising/marketing. Glaceau (maker of Vitaminwater) recently sold to Coca Cola for 4+ billion dollars, demonstrating the power of funny, cutesy blurbs and a good name. But now they're doing television commercials. And this one with 50 Cent has a clear TAN sensibility. So what do we think?

Concept: 50 Cent plays orchestra conductor for the National Symphony.

The basic premise here strikes me as surprisingly dated for Vitaminwater. The hip hop street rapper in the contrasting upscale, classical environs has been mined to the point of cliche. That said, this criticism is with the traditional young, hip Vitaminwater demo in mind. If they now have their eye on expanding out of that market, these basic "assimilated negro" setups still play with the slightly older thirty/forty-something set.

The execution follows the same logic, with no real twist or unexpected angle on the setup, like, for example, the spot with Kelly Clarkson. I suspect this is the commercial 50 Cent would approve of, and maybe even direct. Most rappers act like they're cutting edge, because hip hop used to automatically classify you as such, but really they're all safe and boring (like TAN!). The lines where the announcers take a slight pause and inform us that Curtis Jackson is also known as 50 Cent, and the bit about Beethoven being a "true OG," those lines aren't for the kids. The kids know who 50 Cent is, and me and my TAN peeps were running "Nietzsche/Socrates/Mozart are friggin' gangsta" jokes back in the prep school days, so those can't be used as punchlines so many years later. Swapping out the viola is a fun little accent that's well played, but again, nothing new there.

50 Cent has a handful of popular recognizable songs at this point. And "In The Club" is likely the most popular and recognizable. I wonder if Glaceau had to pay extra for the song rights, or if that's all in their deal with 50. The song makes the commercial, it's cool how a few bars of that song capsulizes so much of the urban-cool ethos. So valuable, and so worth it.

Anywater, we're running out of time here. I like the commercial, it's better than most. But for Vitaminwater, a brand I've come to expect envelope-pushing creativity from, I'm a little disappointed.

Of course I may just be biased since I have a little history with 50 Cent, Vitaminwater, and Formula 5-0.

Related:
What's The Formula Yo? (audio) [TAN]