Yo, What's Up With Coolio These Days?

Saw this pic of Coolio on Steve Aoki's blog, via Blagg and Blue States Lose, and thought it required archiving on TAN. It's so nice how, as we get older, we get more comfortable with showing the world our true selves.


Of course, in hip hop, some are only comfortable with that earlier in life *cough The Game cough*.

Keep it real in the '07 everyone.

Ghetto Pass: New Year's Resolutions

This week's Ghetto Pass is a New Year's edition I think my favorite excerpt is:

Resolution: Finding Love
Ghetto Pass Helper: Ghetto Pickup Artists
Real Talk: I harken back to the words of somewhat ghetto songstress Tina Turner in saying, what's love got to do with it? A partner is only as good as the shots of self-esteem they serve you when you're a little down because you haven't started drinking yet. Don't let these online matchmakers sell you up the river on a false dream; there's absolutely no need to subscribe to a Dating Cash Cow when you can go to your hood and get that love-milk for free. When those Ghetto Pickup Artistes, those citified cupids, those troubadours of urban romance start filling the skies with songs of booty-ballyhoo for your beautiful boobs, luscious lips, and jaw-dropping badonkadonk; well, that's when you'll know "Love" ain't nothing but a four-letter word. GPA's are true romantics, they should write Hallmark-Holla™ cards.

Or maybe Hollamark™ Cards? Don't know if that translates as well.

Ghetto Pass [Gawker]

Talking Race Relations At Trinity College? I'm Your TAN

Hartford Advocate follows up the Trinity College story in the NY Times and talks to TAN about the goings on at the home of the Bantam.

Word.

Ebony & Ivory Tower [Hartford Advocate]
Trin-Trin in the Times-Times [TAN]
Trinity Halloween: Not For The Racially Sensitive [TAN]

Trinity Related:
Worst. Sex. Ever.

The Great AIMs in Life: End of Douche!

In classic TAN style, I have data that predicts and predates an event, but I don't reveal it for months later. In this case, the event was "End of Douche 2006." Of course credit is beside the point here, because I believe in the "communal reservoir" and the "end of douche" proved to be a prime example of the reservoir in action. On November 1 Gawker called the name into question, possibly their most commented on post. Best Week Ever, despite their heavy usage, seconded the motion. The subject may have gotten on to television. The thing is, the actual metaphysics behind the issue were being hashed out a few days prior. I actually chimed in on the Gawk post, but saved the full dialogue until now. The following is an IM conversation that would help seed the resistance to the wanton proliferation of the word "douche" (specificially with regards to usage).

Friend: so how was uptown?
TAN: ok ...
Friend: just ok?
TAN: dinner and drinks at hi life
Friend: hilife?
TAN: yeah, hi [picture of martini] life
Friend: sounds like a candidate for the gawker hall of douche
TAN: http://newyork.citysearch.com/profile/7169151
Friend: I take that back
TAN: i'm about to start campaigning against the word douche ...
Friend: overplayed?
TAN: waaaaaaaaaaay
Friend: but it has such nuance
TAN: plaaaaaaaaaaaaaayed
Friend: though I admit I have heard this complaint, friends have not come up with better solutions
things like cheese-dick have been suggested
TAN: if you drop douche, you revert back to [old] standards like "asshole," "dickhead"...
Friend: actually I had a whole conversation about this while drunk at soho house
which was kinda ironic considering
TAN: [it was] full of douchebags?
[you were] talking to a douche?
Friend: ehhh, the guys who pay for it
TAN: my man "Adouche"
Friend: unhuh
TAN: I might be cool with it if we changed the pronunciation ...
doo-che
Friend: douché?
dooce?
TAN: doo-chay
has to have "e/ay" at the end
like dulce de leche
Friend: its dulcet tones?
see asshole is about a guy being kinda a bad guy
a douchebag is just sort of an unfortunate guy
like [redacted], he isn't an asshole, I love [redacted], but he can be kind of a douchebag
TAN: eh, the line has definitely blurred
right, the pro-active, free will element...
Friend: well rest assured that you aren't one and be happy with that
yes, see asshole is a choice
there is a "will to asshole"
TAN: but i'm dubious that that rule is abided in all uses of the word
or even 50%
Friend: probably not, it has gotten too far from the source culture
TAN: "this will to power, has me counting the hours..."
Friend: see I believe douche originated in tech which makes it very much an anti free will proposition
counting the hours till what?
TAN: yeah, but i'm not debating the meaning. i'm debating the usage
Friend: well in our rarified circles we can maintain its original usage yes? ;-)
TAN: it wouldn't be overused if people abided by some particular, more nuanced definition
it's too late for that [exclusivity] ...
Friend: well once things hit a certain place on the cultural-diffusion-curve nuance doesn't exist anymore
TAN: exactly ...
Friend: but that doesn't mean we should kill something. It means that we in the source cultural should respect its original meaning even more
TAN: it has to go ...
once it's lost nuance, reached that place, "respect" of the original meaning is wasted effort
to try and bring it back would be a waste of resources. you can't rescind cultural diffusion
Friend: hmmmm, do you discount public enemy just because flavor flav went off into vh1 land?
TAN: it's a different thing
flava flav isn't doing Public Enemy
Friend: well you ignore vh1 but remember that at one time he wasn't a buffoon
TAN: and it's like he was a part of a group, associated with music, concerts etc. now he's something else [entirely] ...
Friend: just as douche once had great meaning but has now associated itself with something that has some of the spirit but none of the original essence
TAN: right, douche is to hip lingo as Flava Flav is to Public Enemy
there's also a race problem with the word ...
Friend: with douchebag?
this I have to hear
TAN: no big story, i don't think i've ever heard a black person use the word
or anyone with brownskin ...
Friend: you use it
TAN: no i don't
[that's] projection
Friend: alright, but we are having this huge discussion about it at 2am
TAN: so?
Friend: you could use it or apply it
I don't know
TAN: I'm going to marinate on it ...
Friend: are you saying only white people use the term douchebag?
mmmm marinated tan
TAN: no. asians use it also. but just saying the lack of support from the african-american population adds another bullet point to the proposal for its dismissal
Friend: there are totally black douchebags
just because one doesn't use the term
TAN: yeah, but a black person wouldn't say that .... i'm not debating meaning, i'm debating usage
a person who uses the term "douchebag" can identify anyone, of any race, color, creed as such
Friend: and I keep trying to steer that debate away from usage, I am a bad girl I know
TAN: well it's the only way to argue [on douche's behalf] ... cause you know it's overused also
Friend: it is true, I use it all the time
mostly because I dislike "asshole" or "dick"
because I respect guys that have actively engaged in a given behavior
it is the ones that don't "will to power" about their own behavior that gross me out
TAN: "in 96 they got they shit off ...
swallowed what they bit off ...
now everyone's a ripoff ...
of darius bikoff ...
didn't stutter or hic-cough ...
Friend: lost here my dear
TAN: the only solution is to bring in the "chay"
Friend: pronounced like tar-ghay?
TAN: if you bring in the "chay" then it's ironic enough to sustain mass exposure
i'm thinking a hard ch, but it could be soft, or zsa-zsa, -ghay ish
Friend: hmmmmmmm, I would question irony's power but I see your point
TAN: seriously, calling someone a doo-chay bag is so much better ...
like gucci ...
docce
duccebag
there it is
Friend: I am so excited! I am going to gucci next week to pick up my boots
TAN: ducce
duccebag
Friend: I think you have the makings of a brilliant blog post
giggles!
have you considered like comedy writing on tv?
TAN: yes
it's on the to-do list ...
[along with sleeping with Angelina Jolie and Jessica Biel]

~fin

I'm Dreaming Of A Black & White Christmas

Also, here are some ho ho hos for you ...

"Why The F*ck You Want Me To Rap About Dinosaurs?"

In this clip we have GZA, of the Wu, screaming on someone in the crowd who asks him to "rap about a "dinosaur." This is some funny ish for any emcee who's been on stage trying to do their material, and have had people in the crowd yelling at you to freestyle about ish. Like that's all an emcee with a mic is good for. GZA sets em straight. Obviously some hot off-the-dome ish is gonna get a party/show live, but the best emcees are artists, and to only respect the spontaneous is a disrespect to their craft.





Earlier:
Freestyle Vs. Off The Dome

"Hu's In China?" ~ Starring George Bush & Condi Rice

Amusing take on the classic Abbott & Costello routine.

Ghetto Pass Person of the Year: You, Caucasians

This week's Ghetto Pass came to me as I slept in the middle of the night. The headline of "You, Caucasians" really brings a smile to my face.

But the real joy of joys came when I googled a term that I wondered if I coined, and you can imagine my delight when I googled "Hipsturd" and not one single solitary entry came up. There's nothing that won't return you a few items. I feel I should be able to sell this term to Google for $40M or something.

Anyway, it's perfect. When people talk about "hipsters" they only want to talk about them as "nerds" and most importantly, they only want to talk sh*t about them. Hence, "hipsturds™."

Bwahahahahahaha. I am a GOLDEN BLOGGER GOD!!!! BWAAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

HIPSTURDS™!!! BWAHAHAAHAHA.

Ghetto Pass Person of the Year: You, Caucasians [Gawker]
Time Person of the Year: You. [Time]
Previously on Ghetto Pass

The Fairly Ridiculous Music Machine

Got this in the inbox. Pretty remarkable. Here's the copy that came with the forward:

This incredible machine was built as a collaborative effort between the Robert M. Trammell Music Conservatory and the Sharon Wick School of Engineering at the University of Iowa . Amazingly, 97% of the machines components came from John Deere Industries and Irrigation Equipment of Bancroft Iowa, yes farm equipment!

It took the team a combined 13,029 hours of set-up, alignment, calibration, and tuning before filming this video but as you can see it was WELL worth the effort.

It is now on display in the Matthew Gerhard Alumni Hall at the University and is already slated to be donated to the Smithsonian.

Trin-Trin in The Times-Times

My alma — and overall "big player" in assimilating negroes — Trinity College, made the NY Times today with a look at racial tension on campus, the most recent inciting incident I helped break over a month ago. The Times looks at Trin's status and approach to diversity, most of it critical:

Thee harshest assessments of Trinity’s diversity efforts have come from its own students. Based on student surveys, Trinity has made the Princeton Review’s annual list of schools with “little race/class interaction” for the past eight years. Trinity topped the list in three of those years, and is currently ranked fourth. College officials have disputed the methodology of the surveys.

Some hard numbers of note from the Times - Trinity's tuition is now at $42,410 (gets you a lot of wings at the GCS). Trin's "minority rate" is 20%, while other liberal art schools in the area (Wesleyan, Swarthmore, Amherst) register around 30% on average. Trin admits over 50% of negro applicants, compared to 43% of all applicants. Enrollment is 2,165.

Draw your own conclusions. I'll have more personal stories from The Long Walk to add in the future.

The saga continues ...

Some Say Dere's Racism At Dem Dere Liberal New England Colleges [NY Times]
Previously:
Breaking: Trinity Assimilation Program Stronger Than Most [TAN]
Letter To/From Trinity President [TAN]

Ghetto Pass 2.0: The Long Tail of Street Entrepreneurs

Today's Ghetto Pass examines The Long Tail of Street Entrepreneurs:

Internet futurism, meet the ghetto. Earlier this year, a book tagged as a manifesto on "the new economics of culture and commerce" set the business, tech, and publishing world on fire. That title, The Long Tail: Why the Future of Business Is Selling Less of More (perhaps you've heard of it), comes highly recommended, and certainly constitutes an impressive presentation on how largely online trends are creating a new economic paradigm. The thing is, for a book that is landscaping the future, many of the trendsetting principles are well-worn truisms in the ghetto. So this week, we take a peek at a slightly more obscure manifesto called, The Long Booty™, and its Hood Hustlers holding ghetto MBAs. They may not have blogs or use Amazon, but they certainly understand Why the Future of Business in the Ghetto is More or Less Selling More of Less.

A tip of the cap, of course, is due to Chris Anderson for providing the template.

more later ...

Ghetto Pass 2.0 [ Gawker]
Long Tail Blog
Previous Ghetto Passes

What Does Kidnapping Mean To You???

Have you ever been kidnapped?

Sometimes the English language is just confounding. I mean how did “napping” enter the picture? Napping?!!? There’s clearly a better name out there. Kidsnatching. Kidgrabbing. Same phonetic feel. Same syllables. None of the confusion. Even if I ignore the marginalizing genre-specific "kid" prefix, I know the last thing anyone thinks about during an abduction is taking a nap. (Although that now strikes me as the ultimate slap in the face to would-be "peepsnatchers." Just go to sleep on they ass. I would be so pissed if I hijacked someone and instead of being all scared and pleading for their life they just got drowsy and went to sleep. Arrrgghh!)

All that said, maybe I’m thinking about it too superficially. Because when I think about my kidnapping experiences, I could liken it to a nap. At least in the sense of starting an action, and it happens, and you know it, but you don't really know what happened exactly because your mind was in another place. Sort of how our internal body chemistry responds the same to "dream" stimuli as "real" stimuli, my cognitive and functional memory of my kidnappings are the equivalent of a nap with vivid, but hazy, dream sequences.

These memories are unique for me in that they are totally emotionless snapshots of my life. I'm normally a sentimental type, and a sucker for a nostalgic run through the photo album. Especially if StevieWon is playing in the background. But with the Kidnapping Gallery, I can look through the pictures and see the tears on my face, or the candid of me grasping the leg of a table while being yanked out the classroom as my classmates watched in shock (see on the right there, that's my 4th grade teacher Mrs. Cohen, she looks very concerned.) I can stare at those shots forever, but I never feel the emotion that a good picture inspires. I don't know, it seems like I should feel something, maybe I need to get a frame.

The fact is, much like our defiantly napping kidnappee earlier, I was never fully immersed in the zone of total fear and horror that would be an understandable natural response to being kidnapped by a stranger. Me personally, I’ve only been kidnapped by my mother. So I was never concerned for my life, per se. I was never worried about being tortured and abused in a cold dark basement. I never prayed for Morgan Freeman or Ashley Judd (or CSI, for a more contemporary example) to come rescue me. I just … I don’t know. I just. It wasn't quite confusion, confusion implies some proactive attempt to cut through the jungle and find the path. I just sat in the jungle. Waiting. Napping maybe. Not waiting for anything in particular. Godot possibly. Good hip hop perhaps. A soulmate is always nice...

Of course, I was around 8 years old when my mother first kidnapped me, the first of three episodes over the course of the next couple years, so I probably wasn't really thinking about soulmates at the time. I was precocious though, so it's entirely possible I was wrestling with the "idea" of soulmates. Did they really exist, or was it a quaint romantic notion stemming from a practical, but fundamentally flawed, and increasingly outdated institution of marriage? A silly vestige from a no longer relevant past, or the ultimate affirmation of an otherwise meaningless life? Either way, at the time, I certainly had no quality prospects.

None of my kidnappings lasted longer than 24 hours. Somehow they all ended up with me back home safe and sound. Nappy hair a little tousled, but no worse for wear. Just a little excitement for the day, then back to the grind tomorrow. On all three occasions my mother gave me a "Speak & Spell" to entertain me. I always liked Speak & Spell. I guess she knew that about me. (incidentally I'm quite sure S&S played no small role in the fact that I now spel veri wel. On the other hand, I'm told my speaking is a little forced and computerized. HA!)

So I guess for me, now that I think about it, the term "kidnapping" is actually very apropos. But I don't think it's for everyone and every case. I'm still fond of "peepsnatchers" for more mainstream general usage.

A Portrait of The Artist As A Young Booty Dancer

Great artists are at their peak when: 1. They have great tools, 2. They know how to use them.

So it figures that women maximize their potential when: 1. They have a great booty, 2. They know how to use it.

Well guys and gals, with regards to the first directive, the NY Times kindly informs us that psychologist David A. Holmes has come up with an equation to measure the perfect female posterior. This renders him immediately eligible for a Nobel Prize and inclusion in the Pantheon of Epically and Monumentally Important Supermen(PEMIS).

Holmes' formula is:
(S + C) x (B + F)/T - V = X(Booty Factor)
(earlier report on boingboing lists equation as (S+C) x (B+F)/T = V)

S = Overall Shape (“including tendency to droop”)
C = Circularity, B = Bounce Factor (not to be confused with “wobble”)
F = Firmness (with perfect being “like a comfy bed”)
T = Skin Texture
V = Vertical Ratio (the goal: “on the top-heavy side of symmetrical”)

Holmes showcases an amusingly incisive understanding of the human condition,

"... because you can dress yourself up in a suit, you can put on your makeup and cover up all of nature’s ills and pretend you’re in great shape, but if you stand naked and stare backward into the mirror, you have to confront reality.”

Ahh yes, stare into the abyss and the abyss stares back at you. Indeed, I often find myself provoked to tears when a backwards glance at the mirror forces me to consider the plight of my dimpled meaningless existence.

But I digress...

Most great artists understand that: 1. Tools are nice, 2. Great skill makes up for modest tools.

And so it figures that for females: 1. A booty is nice, 2. Superior booty skills can balance out an inferior booty. As with the average-sized penis, no one cares about the physical dimensions if your skills are genius.

To demonstrate we have video of a gifted artist/female. For the woman seeking perspective on how her abilities stack up, this performance serves as a seminal *cough*, benchmark demonstration of skillsSKILLZ. Master this routine and you master the world. And for the man who thinks sexual boredom is an inevitability on par with death and taxes, I invite you to bear witness to a living, breathing, 100-position appendix to the Kama Sutra. Her name is Junko, she is a dancer, she is a god. She's an artist who has the tools, and knows how to use them. We shall all worship at the altar of her semi-NSFW greatness (ascent into godly plane starts around 1:30 mark):


Junko's MySpace [Myspace]
Tushology [NYTimes Magazine]

Keep Messing Around And We're Gonna Start Making Sushi ... Actually, No We Won't, But Still, Stop OK?

I was sent this story on the Double Dutch Holiday Classics, apparently Japanese teams has won Best In Show eight of the past ten years.

Now I haven't been the most steadfast defender of appropriation of our culture. In fact those who do any looking around here, may find I have done more to provoke appropriation of our music and our neighborhoods, than to fight it.

But not the Double Dutch. I thought that would be ours forever. It's such an innocuous little niche we took over, who would think to impinge on our jump rope domination? Who else, but the Japanese. They like taking over sh*t you don't really think about, like hot dog eating, and um, technology. I bet their ropes all have smart chips and ish. This is like a Pearl Harbor situation flying below the radar here. Contact your congressman. And all you little negro boys and girls, step your Double Dutch game up. This is not a joke.

Ok, it is. But you should still reach out to your congressman.

Think Of People Playing Double Dutch, Now Make Them Japanese. [NYTimes Video]
(thanks Ali Z for the link)

Ghetto Pass: Ghetto Pickup Artists

Today's Ghetto Pass is on those romantic street troubadours:

What many people love about the ghetto is the lack of pretense. And Ghetto Pickup Artists (GPAs) are no exception. Don't look for any of that hi-falutin' passive-aggressive "hello, what's your name, can I buy you a drink?" bullshit here. Alcohol, pot, and cocaine? Pfft! These drugs are merely crutches for those who lack the esophogeal-dexterity, ESL skills, and fervent faith in "love at first sight" to properly project kissing noises while also saying, "ay mami, I'm gonna have to marry you if you put anymore culo in those pants." Today we examine the ghetto's inconvenient truth, the carnal conquistadors and true alpha-romantics in the Urban Jungle of Love. So come on in all you shorties and mamacitas, the water is fine, and y'all are looking so hot I think Al Gore is going to need you regulated to prevent Global Warming...

Ghetto Pass: Ghetto Pickup Artists

Earlier:
Ghetto Pass: Cabs & Extras [TAN]
Ghetto Pass [Gawker]