Tuesday, January 31, 2006

TAN Seeks His Coretta Scott King

So just did another bit for Gawker, in tribute to Coretta Scott King.

Remembering Mrs. King

One little addendum/joke that didn't make the cut:

"I have a dream that my personal Coretta Scott King will put up very little resistance to my overcome-overtures. Note this little anecdote about Martin Luther King wooing Coretta:

She recalled that on their first date he told her: "You know, you have everything I ever wanted in a woman. We ought to get married someday." Eighteen months later - June 18, 1953 - they did, at her parents' home in Marion, Ala.

punchline #1 (for the older, more conservative set) - apparently Martin saved the inspiring rhetoric for his speeches.

punchline #2 - (for the brash younger contingent) - ahhh, black women were so easy in the 50s. That "you're everything I ever wanted" game don't work in the 2K6 "

And with that obnoxiousness out of the way, I remind you we're accepting all applications regardless of race and/or creed. Submit via the comment box, or e-mail theassimilatednegro AT gmizzy DOT com.

No need to assassinate me, I'll kill myself for fame
No need to assassinate me, I'll kill myself for a byline [Gawker/TAN]
I have a dream [TAN]
TAN celebrates Rosa Parks Day [TAN]
jesus, do you have links to anything other than TAN [Google]
Who died? A black person?? Hmmm, better call TAN [decentcontent]


  1. You guys planning to issue any of those ribbon magnets for the cause...?

  2. Consider this my application, TAN. Ain't no woman like a Coretta Scott-woman, cuz Coretta Scott-women don't stop.

  3. I'm in on the TAN-dream as well.

    just no sleepysex, or winking. but I'm down with everything else


  4. Oh, I have gone all aflush!

    You need a list of requirements, like mine:


  5. Anonymous1/31/2006

    your story on rosa parks day is funny.

  6. On a side note,

    George Bush winked at the family of a killed veteran during the state of the union.

    Seriously, what the fuck?

    Get your winking memo out to the press secretary.

  7. I can't believe you didn't get more applications in the comment box.

  8. story of my life betty.


    maybe they think it's some sort of joke...

    *double sigh*

    I still have a dream ...

  9. i have a dream too, TAN and Betty, but alas, only so many white folk gonna talk about Ms. King....

    on a whole other note, thanks for your comments to my blog, very much appreciated.....

  10. Anonymous2/01/2006

    I'd thought about applying. But i'd be afraid that after TAN died my lifes work would be dedicated to stopping winking, supporting emoticons, sending parcels of shit, promoting sports, and assimilating the black man. I don't want to do that with my life. TAN needs to dig a little deeper or hire a personal assistant to do these things.

  11. yo TAN, have you read the review of this PBS series coming up on black folk? John Leonard reviewed it. Ticks me off and i had to say sumthin, but the show looks good.....anything to see Chris Tucker look intelligent.

  12. My favorite King-related courtship story was not about MLK but about his dad. Before he became pastor at Ebenezer Baptist and changed his name to Martin Luther King (Sr.), he was "Mike King," a country pastor with a grade school education.

    He was in love with the girl who would eventually become his wife. So he made it his habit to hang around in front of their house and make social calls to the family whenever possible.

    But he was a rough-around-the-edges country hick preacher, and she was a member of the aristocracy in black Atlanta. Her father was the pastor of the most influential church in the community. And Mike's lack of education was also a barrier.

    So Mike went back to grade school, a grown man sitting in classes with schoolchildren, learning to read, going all the way through the process because he was so crazy about this girl.

    His dogged persistence eventually won the day, and they married. He succeeded his father-in-law as pastor of Ebenezer Baptist.

    But the church was a financial wreck, and the bank was threatening to close it down. In his first year, Pastor Mike led a whirlwind of activity to revitalize the congregation and get the coffers in shape (techniques MLK later used when he became pastor at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church in Montgomery).

    The congregation was apprecative, and they sent the King family on a trip to Europe at the end of that first year.

    When they returned, Mike King changed his name to Martin Luther King (no doubt inspired by their visit to Wittenberg), and Mike, Jr., who was still quite young, became Martin Luther King, Jr.

    (I liked the story. I first ran across it "Parting the Waters," which I recommend to anyone wishing to learn more about MLK. A bit of a tangent on my part, but it is "Black History Month" now, so hopefully I can be forgiven for waxing verbose.)

  13. Re: Jesus, do you have links to anything other than TAN?

    Nope. At my site and under "Articles" you'll find "The Assimilated Jack (and friend)." It's the only site I link to.

    It's called monolinking. Get used to it. We in the biz like to think of it as an extremely dimunitive blogroll.

    I finally found a second fav to mention. It's biggianttamponcommercial.blogspot.com That woman is hilarious.

  14. And to think, if you actually find your future bride via the comments section on your blog, you could tell all of your wedding guests that you met on the internet. Awesome.

  15. You should do The Assy Negro Dating Game post once the applicant's come in...

  16. Assy?

    Good grief! He just got past the open letter thing. Now he's assy?

    Where's Libbie Grubman when you need her? You go through the day keeping an eye out for her wayward SUV, barely avoiding it at every turn, dodging through parking lots to avoid getting squooshed, but when a real PR issue comes up, when people are calling you "assy" and speculating abut penis sizes and such, the girl is just nowhere to be found.

  17. Anonymous2/02/2006

    it's Lizzy Grubman.

  18. Ah-ha! That's, why I couldn't find her!

  19. snow bunny2/02/2006

    Let me know when it's time for the Assy Negro Dating Game!


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