Monday, November 27, 2006

Football Is Stupid!

It's just a stupid game. Just stupid people doing stupid stuff. I used to think football was a cool and refreshing distraction from the stale, dry-mouth malaise of my everyday life. I even had teams I rooted for, Notre Dame and the New York Giants. One for college, one for the pros. You may have at one time called me a die-hard fan, I have never wavered on my team allegiances. But now I just think it's all stupid. I mean really, what's the point? It's just stupid, stupid, stupid.

Throw in the Knicks, and the sexual frustration of the '06 mets, and this whole "sports" idea-thingy is on very shaky ground with me. I don't need this type of aggravation in my life.

I am absolutely sick right now. I'm trying to think of a time in my life when I've felt this level of revulsion. Oh wait, I know... There was that time I thought I had a nice turkey-and-swiss sandwich for lunch, but when I bit into it instead of turkey I got doo-doo. And instead of cheese I got thin slices of swiss doo-doo. And then apparently some acne-ridden teenager squeezed his pimply face until he got a nice lather of bloody-pus discharge cream going, and washed it all off with my bread. I believe that was the sun-dried tomato mayonnaise.

After that someone rushed in to tell me not to eat the sandwich, but instead of words the chunkiest brand of Green Pea Puke came out of their mouth and splattered the side of my face. Then it oozed down my neck, underneath my clothes, and tendrilled down my body. Oh yeah, all over my back, ... there it goes, I can feel the trail of slimy-puke trickling down my thigh as I type this. And it feels strangely appropriate. Hold on for one second, let me just marinate with it for a moment... *M-A-R-I-N-A-T-I-N-G*... Ok yeah, right at that point, when the green pea puke that was spit on me — after I bit into a doo-doo and doo-doo sandwich (heavy on the mayo-pus) — right when it dribbled down to my thigh, the level of disgust I felt at that particular moment is similar to what I feel about my football teams right now.

God, what an awful feeling. I wonder where I got that sandwich from ...

Anyelimanningsucksway, I think that's all I have to say on the matelimanningsuckster.

Oh, and the first fifty people five-hundred billion people to say the word "football" around me are at high risk of physical assault.



  1. My favorite part of the game is how cute I look in my Michael Vick jersey.

  2. Anonymous11/27/2006


    ... just kidding?

  3. haha. i love when you get in your moods TAN.

    And, YES, I agree, football IS stupid.

    Glad to have you on the team.

  4. don't be a fareweather fan! the mets had an awesome season, and it is certainly an improvement over recent years.

    as for the giants, well they suck and have always sucked so i can't help you there.

    and why is it that every guy who went to a small liberal arts college on the east coast cheers for notre dame??????

  5. Anonymous11/27/2006

    Play Like A Champion Today.


    ahhh, that was funny. Really, it was.

  6. Somehow it tickles me that you never use the term "shit sandwich"

  7. Anonymous11/27/2006

    dude, i'm right there with you. more Giants fan, than ND, but not a fun weekend by any stretch.

  8. TAN -
    Sometimes I just wonder if we are the same person. We both are huge fans of the Irish, the Giants, and the Mets. And then we're both Trin alums. This was a pretty terrible weekend ... but I take solace in the fine weekend in October when the Mets won the NLDS, the Yanks lost to the Tigers, and the Irish and the Giants both won. That weekend seems so far away these days...

  9. I just ordered my #10 Vince Young jersey from the NFL shop. I feel reborn in the face of such miraculous comebacks. I wonder if it's shipped with its own halo.

  10. Similiar feeling here, because my Steelers laid a HUGE egg yesterday. Horrible.

  11. how can i make you feel better?

  12. mist - I've never seen a Michael Vick jersey before, maybe you can show me what you're talking about.

    dmbmeg - the Giants have been to a Superbowl more recently than the Mets to a World Series. There aren't a lot of good options in the northeast, so maybe that's why we outsource for our college fball fix.

    dave - yeah those days feel like they happened when I was just a synapse firing in my father's head as he looked at my mother's arse and thought, "oh yeah I want to tap that..." or "give me five on the back-hand side" whatever they used to say in those days.

    Fringes - hmmm, yes I do believe that is my nausea returning. Thanks. I think your jersey will be bootleg, and instead of an NFL logo it will have a VFL (Vaginal Football League) iron-on patch, and instead of "Young" it will say "shutdafcukupasshole" on the back. And because it's bootleg the spacing at the end of the name will be all crunched together. Halo not included.

    the rover - while misery loves company, and I love you, as a team just coming off a SUPER BOWL VICTORY you're not allowed to participate in fan suicide parties for at least two years.

    ella - aside from reversing time, administering brain transplant surgery on Eli manning (any brain will suffice), and making Dwayne Jarrett a female, I'm not sure I'm consolable. But if not better, perhaps I can be temporarily distracted. Or at least persuaded to put the gun back in the dresser.

  13. These sentiments may get you laid once or twice, but eventually the girl wants her man to like football at least a little bit.

    I can laugh as my two teams have not disappointed this year (Gators and Chargers) but in bad seasons, yeah - I know what you're saying.

    Still - no matter how bad it gets, it beats the hell out of futbol.

  14. It's red and white and black and it gives you the finger. I always end up making a public apology after I wear it.

  15. jetpacks - I have yet to meet the lady who will lower the bar that much off of my declaring a nauseating level of sickness with my fball teams. or at least not where I wasn't incredibly suspicious that the bottle of vodka and roofies had something to do with it.

    mist - give me the finger. and i thought things were going so well. Story of my life. but my finger inducing abilities aside, you've inspired me to tend to my individual commenting more. Yay! I'm still mulling on whether it's a sustainable proposition before making a morep ublic demonstration.

  16. I thought hell had perhaps frozen over, until my boyfriend gave the rundown of the Giants game with the same end feelings. Now I get it.

  17. Jetpacks said:

    "These sentiments may get you laid once or twice, but eventually the girl wants her man to like football at least a little bit."

    No, no we don’t. Not now, not ever. In fact by Monday morning, after being forced to listen to two days of NEVERENDING SPORTSCASTER BANALITIES, I’m not only ready to roll over the TV six or seven times with my truck, I’m willing to let the husband hold it while I do!

    Seriously, we don’t, ever.

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