Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Morgan Freeman Deserves Some Ass Goddammit: A Petition in Three Parts

Part 2, Morgan's Movie Monologue

Morgan Freeman sits on a leather chair in a dimly lit room. His snifter is half full with cognac. He swirls it around slowly. He exhales, and sits deeper in the chair.

the familiar voiceover begins:

Sex was never a big deal for me. Ha. I remember I didn’t have sex for six months before shooting Lean On Me. I knew that role could really put me on the map. And it did. Two years later I was in Driving Miss Daisy, and it’s been relatively smooth sailing since then, ... at least with regards to my career.

Mmmm Driving Miss Daisy. It would never have dawned on me at the time, but that’s probably the origin of my frustration. It shouldn’t have been Driving Miss Daisy, it should have been Riding Miss Daisy. Or Miss Daisy Riding Mr. Freeman. Hell, with the reality show hysteria nowadays, if we shot it now we could call it, Morgan Freeman Bangs The Hell Out Of Jessica Tandy In The Back Of A Limo - Survivor. It wasn't a limo in the actual film, but it'd probably be one in an updated version.

Swirls glass and take a sip. Morgan smiles, this is his favorite Cognac.

My libido has always been an irrepressible component of my personality, but I knew professionalism was paramount at that point in my life, so I made a conscious move to do some guy movies. Then I was in Shawshank, a good film, but also far removed from that sexual realm. Not to say there isn't sex in prison ... but that sort of thing just isn't my style. So I was in a good, calm, unexcited position, there was little to be concerned about.

But then came a series of movies with Rene Russo, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Robin Wright Penn. And needless to say Mr. Daisy was ready to Outbreak. I could gave given it to any of them for Se7en days. Especially Moll Flanders. She’s underrated.

Morgan stands up, cognac still in hand, and walks over to a record player. He sets the glass down on a nearby table, looks over a stack of records, and carefully selects one. He gently blows away the dust and puts it on the turntable. Sweet sounds of Thelonious Monk fill the room. He enjoys it for a few seconds, grabs the glass of cognac and takes another sip.

Of course nothing cools that fire in your loins like doing a movie with Keanu Reeves. But the reprieve was brief, and it wasn't long before my life was changed forever via the The Ashley Judd Paradox. After Ashley, there would be no turning back on my desire to Kiss The Girls.

With my sex drive once again liberated, I wanted to chain all these girls up and treat them like slaves on Amistad. I wanted them to feel my Hard Rain and Deep Impact.

Ha. No, I'm just kidding. I still keep a lot of these feelings suppressed. That's what it means to be an actor. That's what it means to be a professional. I know if Nurse Betty has a black baby out of wedlock, I'm not going to be the one under Under Suspicion. It's gonna be Chris Rock.

But I do remember when they talked to me about Along Came A Spider, and when reading the book I saw my character and Monica Potter's character get it on. I thought the drought would be over. But they changed the story. A High Crime if ever there was one.
Morgan hears someone come in. His wife is home. He lowers the volume on the music, and takes another sip of cognac.

The sum of all my fears was realized when ... I had to do a movie with Ben Affleck. HA! No, my fears were confirmed when I was finally cast as "God" in Bruce Almighty, and I still couldn't conjure up a fine piece of ass for me to administer the Big Bounce to.

My heavens the girl in that movie was hot.

Morgan's wife comes in and sees an all-too-familiar scene for her.

"Morgan, what are you doing??

Nothing, just thinking.

Well put the cognac down, turn the record off, and come into the kitchen to help me make dinner. You can waste time reminiscing on your movie career later.

Ok baby, I'm coming."

Part 3 - A Call To Arms ...

Part 1 - The Ashley Judd Paradox [TAN]


  1. Anonymous11/29/2006


  2. no yawn from me TAN, this is funny. It'd be awesome to see Morgan get some booty in one of these fims.

  3. Anonymous11/29/2006

    I love Ashley Judd. The picture of her waving her gun at Morgan is the highlight of this petition for me. Though, as a brother, it doesn't look good for my chances. Maybe I'll do grad work at UKentucky.

  4. It would have been funny if Morgan Freeman came up on your celeb look-alike chart. Or Ashley Judd for that matter.

  5. j - yawn ...


    anon - obviously you have no chance at Ashley Judd. That's still a better chance than me though.

    choatey - Morgan's black, he wouldn't come up. Ashley's feasible. I think we have similar eyelashes.


  6. Where I come from cognac is Romance in a Bottle. Have him call me.

  7. isn't morgan a 'mo?

    i mean he has a wife, but i think she looks like a bit of a beard.

    also, i SWEAR he fucked a penguin in that documentary last year...

  8. mist - ok, but I think he only wants to get down if it's going to be filmed. So get your Vick jersey ready.

    ella - I think I've heard someone describe his voice as "resonates like the sound of penguins *ucking.

  9. You have selected the subject I LOVE to rail about. And, let me add Denzel and Julia Roberts to the mix. Denzel should have been hittin' that Georgia ass nightly and rightly. If it weren't for Eddie Murphy basically saying early in his career, 'I'm getting my ass.' We'd still be in the Steppin Fetchit stage as far as gettin' some. Let me expand the discussion and hark back to Mr. Pryor -- how come we're never seen in the future? Also, how come we're never superheroes? ['Heroes' for that reason, can kiss my ass] And, what the hell is with us always being on some white guy's shouldlers on the movie poster?s If we decide to move past African American as a description, I vote for "shoulder surfers" because that's how we're seen.

  10. jae - If I knew you had so much knowedge on the subject I might have consulted you on this matter.

  11. Am holding you responsible for the dream I had about Morgan Freeman last night.

  12. Well, that was just a tad on the creepy side...

  13. You've just been added...

    This is funny. I had this same (not same) conversation with someone 2 weeks

  14. mist - i suspect many a woman dream about the Free every night.

    freudian - just a tad ... i'll try and get more creepy next time.

    blah - cool. I say mo free is always a good subject for conversation


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