Tuesday, November 28, 2006

What Do I Look Like? I Don't Know, A Surprising Number Of People Say I Look A Little Like Julia Roberts In Mystic Pizza



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And of course I get the whole Johnny Depp/Jake Gyllenhaal thing all the time.


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I personally think Robert E. Lee is the most accurate call of them all. And, of course, if I really looked like Kristanna Loken I'd be the happiest man you know who never leaves his apartment.

But one question, are there no black celebrities? I don't need you to lie to me with a Denzel, or a Will Smith, even if you got me a Star Jones or Al Roker up in there (as beautiful as they are) ... that'd be fine. Just someone with melanin has to get in over Anthony Kiedis, or Michael Collins. I mean come on now.

I might need to e-mail customer service.

24 comments:

  1. Johnny Depp...

    You cannot b*tch when one of your celebrity look alikes is Johnny Depp.

    I hate to check you like this on your blog and everything, but seriously...it's Johnny Depp.

    I'm afraid to do this. I don't want to look like Tori Spelling. She's just always scared me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That's funny that not one black celeb appeared.

    But hopefully you've satisfied your need to validate your looks, you are in fact *somewhat* attractive. now if you can only work on your writing ;-)

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  3. HAHA. I love cate blanchett personally, and I don't think you could get me drunk enough to have sex w/ you (no homo) and think it was her.

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  4. mist - smells like a pirate, acts like a pirate, but that doesn't make it Johnny Depp. At least that's what the girls tell me in person.

    But obviously you should do it. Tori is underrated.

    choatey - everyday I wrestle with my need for approval, everyday he wins. In the meantime I've ordered every book on How To Improve Your Writing. I might be a lost cause though.

    j - I couldn't have said it better myself. Though I'd never seen Cate with the short-hair look.

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  5. Anonymous11/28/2006

    who the F is Shayne Ward?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous11/28/2006

    I see how this issue could be of interest to you, but was it really that slow in the rpess room to warrant your post? Why not check out the "Cryme Tyme" video on the WWE website. I found it pretty offensive. What do you think TAN?

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  7. hahah. not only do they not even offer a black suggestion, but then they go and say you look like a celebrated slave holder and the leader of the fucking Confederate Army.

    Wow.

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  8. I refute your claim that there are no black celebrities. I uploaded a picture of my then-one-year old daughter (who is white) and it told me she looks like Patrick Ewing.

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  9. anon 4:39 - Besides TAN's doppelganger I have no idea, perhaps at some point I'll muster the energy to type Shayne Ward wiki in google and find out. But not just yet, I'm expecting disappointment.

    anon 4:50 - don't blame thep ress room or news cycle, blame me. But I'll check out the WWE thing, thanks.

    ella - yeah, i guess it's some sort of ironic celeb look-alike generator.

    christy - I'm sorry to hear that about your daughter. Are you filing any sort of lawsuit or anything? Good luck.

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  10. christy- it's got to be because of the drool factor...clearly the computer mistook drool for massive amounts of sweat. knicks had to layoff 2 sweat moppers once Ewing left.

    TAN- better Depp than Ewing for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous11/28/2006

    I know what you mean TAN, my co-worker showed me this (she looks like Katie Holmes), and i was like, hmm. I'd be useless for me to scan in my pic. I'm so used to being left out of stuff like this, I forgot about black celebrities my own self. If they were included, the site might wind up giving race neutral results, but that might be too surprising for folks to relate to.

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  12. Yeah, I don't want to hear your whining. Apparently, I look like (admittedly, among more flattering people like Kiera Knightly and Salma Hayek) Marc Anthony and Edith Piaf. And I must beg to differ about the lack of black celebrities, because apparently I am a dead ringer for both Michael Jackson and Aayliah.

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  13. there's a really fucked up michael jackson and aayliah joke there but i'm not grabbing that one.

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  14. velvet - good call on the drool/sweat parallel. that's gotta be it.

    anon - we seem to be getting some black celeb reports, oddly enough from caucasian peeps ... so who knows? Maybe you'll get asian.

    Leila - If Edith's name was tiffany you'd probably like her more. And I don't know how you get black celebs, but not me. Maybe they're taking the whole "assimilated" thing into account? That would actually be cool.

    Ella- don't be shy, someone's gotta be funny around here, and it damn sure ain't me.

    (also, I love my new self-effacing comment personality)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Evidence that I've spent far too much time in the UK and even more time watching TV: I know who Shayne Ward is. He won an American Idol-type show called The X Factor (complete with Simon Cowell as judge. Sharon Osbourne is the Paula Abdul figure this show). He's a bit of a heart throb for the tween set. So you're a hot Irish pop singer, TAN. I always suspected you lived a double life. The groupies should arrive any minute now.

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  16. jihan - the groupies arrived long time ago, but none of them seemed to feel this was the right place. So they left.

    bre - Tae Diggs? Yes. he's an actor. I think he's on the "Well if my daughter's gotta boink a negro I hope it's him" short list for the Parents Concerned About Interracial-Mating Committee

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  17. yup, TAN - just tae and will smith (and if your parents are WAY cool, like mine - Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle make it on there).

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  18. oh and you, since you went to choate.

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  19. eauhellzgnaw11/30/2006

    You resemble Tim Duncan in your main pic.

    He even has a white wife and is often complimented on the fact that he's "well-spoken" and "humble." That's white sportswriter speak for "he's not like the other negroes."

    ReplyDelete
  20. eau - I play basketball like him also. Also, I like your name.

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  21. ella - At Choate I helped them meet their quota for negroes and uglies.

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  22. And here I was thinking that you only look like my third husband...

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  23. geneva - three husbands? are we going to have to schedule an intervention?

    ReplyDelete

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