Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The Great Gregg Jefferies

Deadspin helps me kick off the campaign to make Gregg Jefferies Day a national holiday.

It's on August 1st by the way.





Leftovers [Deadspin]
Tell Your Momma About Gregg Jefferies Day
[Mets Are Better Than Sex]

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Never Naked, Always Nude


Some of you may have seen this, but apparently Scarlett Johannson and Keira Knightley are not "naked" on this cover. They are nude. And if you want to get them naked, errr nude, on your mattress or magazine cover then that word choice makes all the difference in the world.

Jonathan Jones explains in a piece for The Guardian.
It was the art historian Kenneth Clark who claimed there is a difference. A naked human body is exposed, vulnerable, embarrassing, he wrote in his 1956 book The Nude. "The word 'nude', on the other hand, carries, in educated usage, no uncomfortable overtone. The vague image it projects into the mind is not of a huddled and defenceless body, but of a balanced, prosperous and confident body ..."
I don't know if this will help any lucky guys/gentleman get any girls/ladies naked/nude on to their bed/mattress of mystery, but if it can help/get you laid, then more power/condoms to you.

I think it also helps if you're an artist/bullshitter.

word

Monday, April 24, 2006

Putting The "Assimilated" In Assimilated Negro

I was hanging out with a good friend of mine the other day. He was celebrating receiving a quarter of a million dollars. Not any sort of "crazy" story, his grandmother invested a little back in the days, now her grandson is receiving a lot. A fortuitous result, but not hitting the lottery by any means. But it reinforced a feeling I’ve had for a while now. Perhaps the biggest cause/reason/issue/metric that underscores the difference between black and white folk is knowledge and appreciation of the power and importance of the stock market.

He agreed regarding the importance and knowledge of the market (disclosure: it is also his line of work) but said it underscores the gap between the poor vs. the rich, regardless of race.

And I have yet to issue a counterpoint.

The title of this makes me think of what anecdote I might relay to convey what puts the "Negro" in Assimilated Negro.

I think I would tell the story about how I spent a night in jail for no reason.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Vomit Buffer, Sorry It Took So Long


I meant to put this buffer up, so that the puke post wasn't hitting you like BAM! right when you landed here. But what can you do ...

Anyways, here you go. Pleasant thoughts, sweet dreams.












Thursday, April 20, 2006

From The TAN Inbox: Vomit Query

So I got this question in my inbox today:
why does all the vomit in the train stations look the same? Is it just that vomit all looks the same or is it something else?

I don't know. But I think its an interesting question. Anyone have an answer?

While you think about it, here are some more inspiring puke shots:











Projectile Puke
[Puke Planet]
Puke on Puke-Colored Couch [Puke Planet]
True Puke [ChrisKula.com]

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Best Date Movie Ever: Hard Candy

Saw the movie Hard Candy yesterday at the Angelika. And I had to give a shout cause this one is most definitely hot like fire.

(I wouldn't use the term "blown away." But I'm tempted to use it, because I definitely want you to see it, and I know you disaffected NYC a**holes barely flare a nostril at a recommendation unless someone says they were "blown away.")

I don't think it's knocking Eternal Sunshine out as the current/reigning hot-movie champion though. It's a little niche-y, and a little too unsettling for wearing the crown. Eternal Sunshine, despite its quirkiness, is a nice movie everyone can enjoy. Hard Candy, on the other hand, isn't for everyone.

Along the lines of In The Company Of Men, Tape, and Audition, Hard Candy is a dark, edgy drama, well-written, and very theatrical in its composition. David Slade directs, the script was written by Brian Nelson. Most of the movie takes place in a house, and is focused on the interaction of the two main characters.

For bloggers and/or internet fiends, this movie should be a no-brainer on the premise alone: A 32-year-old guy and a 14-year-old girl meet online, chat it up for a few weeks, and then arrange a face-to-face. The movie details what happened in their meeting. Awwww yeah.

The movie lives or dies with the the performances of the two lead actors, and both knock incredibly challenging roles out of the park.

With the internet-dating, older-guy/under-age girl premise, the material is ripe for exploitation and caricaturizing. But I was probably most struck by how real the movie felt. Both characters are very nuanced, and ultimately morally ambiguous. The good guy/bad guy drama is not a given in this movie, it is a topic for conversation.

Ellen Page is set to break out on the world with this role, plus her spot in the highly anticipated X3 movie. At the time of filming this she was seventeen years old, and quite honestly I still can't believe they found a girl who looks so young, yet is mature enough to handle the material. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to play a fourteen-year-old girl without that god-awful Dakota-Fanning-precociousness. Ellen pulls it off.

Patrick Wilson pulls off the most charming, sympathetic, creepy-internet-guy you'll ever see. Definitely not what you envision when you think of Craigslist Creepies.

It's difficult to say much more without spoiling the film. So I won't. But if you like your films provocative, intense, real ... check this one out. Then check out the interviews below.

Hard Candy [official site]
Interview with David Slade and Brian Nelson [HorrorChannel]
Interview with Ellen Page [CHUD]
Interview with David Slade [ioncinema]
Interview with Patrick Wilson [IGN FilmForce]
More with Nelson and Slade [Cinematical]
Interview with the Number Nine [TAN - unrelated]

Monday, April 17, 2006

Devil's Advocate: Global Warming

In my 100 things list I submit that I can argue for or against any position, except pro-Bush.

I also recently started a column for "Player Magazine" called "The Devil's Publicist." (pick up my first issue May 2nd)

So with that in mind I'm starting a regular "Devil's Advocate" feature on TAN. Using the blog to explore ideas for the print column.
I hope the idea/premise is self-explanatory.

We're going to start with the subject of global warming. To which I say:

If You Can’t Take The Heat, Get Off Of The Planet

I’ve decided I’m pro global warming.

This is not to say I'm suspicious of the idea and its purported consequences. I do believe human activities are responsible for an increase in global temperature. I also believe the temperature increase is causing damage to our natural environment. I believe the planet is warming, and I believe that warming is indicative of our parasitic effect on the world around us. We are in fact destroying our world. I believe that wholeheartedly. And I'm down with the program.

Ultimately, what I’ve decided is that I also believe in people. I’m pro human. And the basis of my decision is that I support people, more than I support “the globe.” I’m not going to be coy about it anymore. Fuck the world! Not the people mind you, but the world. I mean, I don’t technically DESIRE for the world to go bye-bye, but if it’s us or the world in a steel-cage deathmatch, then hasta la vista planet. I’ll take my chances on Mars. I believe in people that much.

Frankly, if we want to destroy the world, that is our fucking volition. Those who can, do. Those who can't, hold protest rallies and sign petitions. Until this glorious day I didn’t understand the genius of George Bush. We mock him, but really we just don’t understand him, we don’t comprehend his genius. He’s a modern day Nietzsche. Will To Fucking Power. Fuck You, I Am America, Hear Me Roar!! We could learn something from that. We have to believe in ourselves. No matter how egregious the error, we can overcome it.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. I ain’t scared of no “hot planet.” As far as I’m concerned if this Global Warming really takes off, all that’s going to happen is a new "Super-Hottt" remix of the Nelly song,“It’s Getting Hot In Here.” Then maybe microwave technology will be put in a time capsule and laughed at. And the guys who walk on hot coals will become best selling authors and consultants. The point being … we can handle it. We’ve got our media, we’ve got our computers, we’ve got ourselves. We have our brains, our desire, our will power. We have porn. We have the New York Mets. We have all sort of drugs. To be afraid of global warming is to be afraid of a challenge. You think Pfizer can't come up with a pill to help us cope with global warming? Who knows what form evolution will take. All we really need is a vision of the future that incorporates global warming. For example, no more turtlenecks, Northface puffy jackets, or UGGS boots.

What if, instead of using all our research and development to figure out alternative fuel, we use it to research and prepare for living in a world with a hot-ass environment. So what if the jungle becomes a swamp? And the swamp becomes, I don’t know, something worse than a swamp. So what? If some animals die, so what? Species have ceased to exist before. Others have continued on. Do we really miss the Dodo bird? What worldview is this where I have to concern myself with saving some cute furry creature who’s to stupid to get a real job and move out the forest. They’re supposed to be excused because they’re animals?? We live in a world where we prioritize personal responsibility and accountability. So I say, handle your business cute furry animal, or become gloves, … or a fur-lined condom.

We must expand our horizons. Change happens. And the beauty of life is we don’t know exactly what will change, and what the ramifications will be. But we always adapt. Holocausts, World Wars, Slavery, we’ve survived those natural disasters. We can laser fat, clone, and transplant faces. We can't handle a little heat?

We have to trust our instincts. Sure we want to think about our actions, and try to make wise decisions. And I can certainly understand people thinking the destruction of our planet is a little short-sighted. But we also want to be diligent about maintaining a perspective that doesn’t shortchange our own potential. To be afraid of global warming lacks ambition. The greater the challenge, the greater the reward.

What if we warm the globe, and because our bodies can’t stand the heat it inspires us to mentally project ourselves into some new "cooler" dimension. Thus global warming would have brought upon a new era of human existence. Sometimes when evil busts a nut, good comes of it (holla!).

If global warming becomes an immediate danger to our existence, then we will naturally combat it. We have it on our radar now. It's not going to surprise us. And even if it does surprise us and wipe a bunch of us out. Then hey, lesson learned. Mistakes are part of the process. Obviously a few of us will stick around to repop the planet. And if you look like Jake Gyllenhaal your odds are a little better than the rest of us.

I say bring it all on!! Bring on global warming, bring on AIDS, bring on obnoxious hipsters. There is no mountain we can’t climb. If the above happens, we adapt, evolve and become self-cooling, AIDS-repellent obnoxious-hipster killers. RARRRR!! And guess what, if you don't have faith, if you're scared, then you deserve to die from overexposure to UV rays like the little pansy you are.

Natural selection baby. We're taking evolution into our own hands. And if you can't take the heat, you WILL get off of the planet. One way or another.

Thus spach TANathustra.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Yes, Even Good Sex ...

It's quite possible that I know sports better than I know anything else in the world. Including the back of my hand, the bottom of my feet, and the underside of my balls. Around the start of the football season I tried to get a little Fantasy Football going on here, but while I was getting started, I was too preoccupied with other ish to get my sports commentary on regularly.

But now it's a new era for TAN, and it's baseball season, and I've decided to get my sports nut off ... and therefore, while we're on the subject of nut-busting, it is time to proclaim that:

The Mets Are Better Than Sex

I just updated it the last week with some season preview/outlook stuff. Along with a couple posts on the first game, and where we are now (9-2 b*tches). Of course, I'm going to try and make it entertaining, but I'm also not planning to dumb it down for the ladies or casual baseball fan. Hardcore son! OPS, lefty-righty splits, why Victor Diaz should be in AAA. If these things mean nothing to you, then stick with TAN. If you know what I'm talking about, then rest assured that no one knows the Mets better than I, you may know them as good as me (yeah I'm talking to you Lupica), but you don't know them better. And with that said, I remind you one more time:

The Mets Are Better Than Sex


wordemup ...

Friday, April 14, 2006

Another Day, Another Face Transplant

Face transplants are becoming old hat. The first one happened a few months ago. Now a guy in China "got some work done".

Of course they are burying the lede in all these stories. And that is, animals are getting pretty perturbed with humans. First the dog ate the first woman's face, and now this guy was attacked by a bear.

Of course I had a special correspondent who was all over the "animals strike back" story.


I Hate My Face [NY Times]
I Hate My Face II [BBC News]
When Dogs Attack [TAN]

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Miss Information Leans On TAN

So one of my favorite ladies, Erin Bradley, who does one of the dating blogs for Nerve, and also pens the advice column Miss Information, asked me to give a shout for her show Love Ahoy going on at Galapagos tonight.

It's a free show, and the pitch is The Love Boat meets The Dating Game. The Love Boat makes me raise an eyebrow, but Galapagos does that have that water going on, so maybe there will be some actual boating ... indoors. And "that" is ALWAYS worth "it" ... especially when "it" is free.

When you go make sure you tell Erin that TAN sent you, and she owes me ... A LOT.

This has been a TAN Public Service Announcement.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Coming Soon: Fat-Seeking Lasers

A laser you can point-and-shoot at the fat on your body, or on the body of the chubby-ass lying on top of/below you is now on the horizon.
A laser which melts fat is being developed by scientists.
Experts from the Massachusetts General Hospital in the US said it could be used to treat heart disease, cellulite, and acne.
The laser is able for the first time to heat up fat in the body without harming the overlying skin.
Using the Free-Electron Laser at selected wavelengths, scientists were able to heat the fat up, which was then broken down and excreted by the body
.
more ...
My guess is you're probably gonna want to get this on pre-order, I hear things related to weight-loss fly off the shelves like hot cakes in this country. Of course, once you get that pre-order in you're free to go heckle and laugh at everyone running, working out, or otherwise living a healthy lifestyle.

Suckers.

This also makes me think soon we'll all be walking around with mini hand-lasers that we handle ourselves, contantly "shaping up" our body. For a hot date, instead of just getting a nice new outfit, you'll also carve the abs up a little, dissolve the double-chin, and slice some definition into the arms and ... VOILA! Who says craigslist is for losers now baby??

The Countdown To "Fatageddon" Begins [BBC News]

Friday, April 07, 2006

TAN = Literary Alcohol

Still shuffling a little, and found this draft I never posted. Now I post it.

Had a great essay in the Times forwarded to me by The Brazilian Muse. Reflecting on the "literary sobriety" that is so common with black authors.
"My journey to black literary insobriety isn't so different from how I came to appreciate free jazz after growing up in a house that contained two records, the soundtrack to 'Enter the Dragon' and 'Rufus Featuring Chaka Khan.' It turns out that I enjoy never fully understanding what's in front of me, and I masochistically relish being offended while thinking about why I feel offended and if I should feel offended. I also live in Manhattan's East Village."
more ...

Obviously this essay resonated with me considering my content on TAN, which, if nothing else, connotes a lack of sobriety. I too get bored with stiff, conservative writing, from anyone, of course, but even more so with negroes cause you feel they might be going out of their way so as not to offend. Why desire freedom, if you're not going to use it?

I wrote this before the Oscars, but it ties in well with the hubbub over "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp" winning an Oscar for best song. Yeah, maybe its not the ideal "representative" face you want to see on a pedestal, but that's what freedom is all about.

Nothing like freedom talk on a Friday ....

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Special Day

You know, at 1:23 today, the time and date can read 12345[0]6.

Yes!!

These are special moments. Cherish them.

Girls: The Human Care-Package

Do people still get/send "care-packages" anymore?

A friend of mine recently re-entered the dating scene, and has decided to treat me as "Hitch" to his, um, "Kevin Smith's James' character" (oy, I need an intern) (jesus, how assimilated have I gotten? Did I just say, 'oy, I need an intern' -- it's like, ni**a you ARE the intern!!!).

Now everytime I see my friend I need to offer advice and come up with some different metaphor for women and/or relationships. He's one of these "smart-sensitive guys", so I can't keep telling him my "holes-on-heels" philosophy over and over again.

So the other day I noted myself telling him how I thought that girls are like care-packages.

Everyone likes a care-package. In a fundamental sense, there's something undeniably irresistible about a care-package. If you don't know anything about where it came from, initially you might be like "ehhh, I don't know about this ..." but eventually you have to think, "awww, what the hey, it's a care-package." (you also have to wonder what time you're going to get your ass kicked for saying 'what the hey?'") But no one ever completely turns down a care-package, unless its incredibly inconvenient, or it smokes crack and lives on the street. Care packages are so nice some people will pay for it themselves, and have it delivered. Discreetly wrapped, of course.

Even the suggestion of a nice care package entering your life can be transfixing. You'll be at work thinking about it. You are intoxicated with the thought of it arriving, and the subsequent inspection of its contents.

This is not to say care packages are all rainbows and BLT sandwiches. The above applies primarily to the idea of the "care package," the reality is that most care packages have some stuff you like and some shite you could care less about:

I'll keep the chocolate covered tits, the filing/organizational system, and the recipe book. The anal-retentive ass creme can go in the box for The Salvation Army.

A lot of care packages have an item that's not supposed to be opened until later. That item is usually wrapped up and labeled "SEX".

And of course that's the one you just stare at and think about ripping open ASAP. Usually it ends up feeling like, "eh, I probably could have waited for that."

Guys can't be care packages. They're too cold and steely and guyish. Guy care packages invariably suck. You get dirty underwear and some duct tape ... maybe some chips if you're lucky. There's very little "care." It's just packages. Which, ultimately, also makes a lot of sense. Guys are just packages really.

Anyways, I don't know if people still send care-packages. This could be old school terminology. Or maybe, at least for guys, you grow out of them and start dealing with girls on a full time basis ... no need for fake care packages in boxes, when you got real ones that walk around to deal with.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Opening Day

Opening Day for Major League Baseball.

Let's Go Mets!


It's gonna be a good year.



TAN should be back on normal schedule by tonight/tomorrow.

wordemup
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