Monday, April 16, 2007

Masturbation Law: How Long Before You Can Fantasize About The Recently Deceased?

The newest issue of Playboy is a tribute to Anna Nicole Smith and in putting together this issue they pose an interesting dilemma for us frequent-rubber-outers: how soon is too soon for dead women?

Now unlike say, Jessica Alba, Anna Nicole Smith isn't as smooth a masturbatory target victim. Some girls as soon as their image locks eyes with yours, you just have to find someplace to relieve the sexual tension. But Anna Nicole Smith is a little more complicated. She carries a lot of masturbation baggage. Will the old man pop in your head? What about the baby? Will they have to test your DNA if you come on her picture? Plus if you've seen her reality show or any of her interviews, then you know about the "personality glitches" that can trigger a disruption to your self-love connection at any time.

Then again, fodder is fodder. Once in the realm of sex and and fantasy, most males develop a high tolerance level for glitches in the matrix. Whether you're dead, or turn into a fox, or sprout a third leg, most guys can integrate these developments into a cohesive fantasy:

"I'm going to bang you until you come back to life girl!"

"Girl, you know you are sexy... sexy like a fox!"

"Ok. Turn over and put your third leg in position so that it partially covers the hole, but I also still rub against it on the side a little."

It's always a question whether it's more appropriate to honor the dead through solemn hands-off reverence, or via celebration and an even more enthusiastic appreciation of life. Playboy obviously votes for the latter. How about you? Are you gonna be quick to squeeze a little semen out for the big-boobed girl who passed away? Or will you feel a pang of disappointment at never being able to get a good session going off her Trim-Spa ass again? Where does the penis draw the line? What is the statute of limitations on this?

Luckily for me it doesn't matter, I only read articles in Penthouse.

1 comment:

  1. ...I think it depends on how old the person was when they died. ANS was fairly young and still had big boombas so I can see where a guy could forget that she's not living anymore. However, for the old skool cats who grew up on let's say... Katherine Hepburn...not so sure she can make a man wanna bust a move on her dead behind... then again... let's say(gawd forid) Sophia Loren or Farrah pass and I am pretty sure they could still get some dude to squeeze on their behalf...
    ...just realized, I am totally the wrong person to be asking about this... I'mma chick for goodness sake! I don't know a thing about masturbation... and especially a necro-mastubatory episode!


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