The Ten Blog Commandments

Lyrics:

It's the ten blog commandments!

can't tell me nothing about this content
these blogs
this media ...

for my creative peeps on the internet
i ain't forget you ….
~
i been in this game for years
your man tan's a caged animal
some blogs write rules
i'm a rap the manual
a step-by-step little ditty
from ny city
do as you please with
take it or leave it

rule number uno

21 More Questions

Here's a little piece of my 50 Cent 21 Questions parody. 

No comment on my Nate Dogg impression. Y'all know I intend to get someone to sing that for me. 

And even though it's old, I might still shoot a little sketch video for this, cause it's classic material. But in the meantime, in-between time...

New York City… 

you are now rallying…

with The Assimilated 

when I blog sometimes I twist the la 

write posts on my I-book g5 

it’s all white, like these girls that’s on my jock 

I don’t know son, it makes no sense to me 

hope you got everything you need cause I 

am so broke it might even make you cry 

got some questions that I gotta ask and I 

don’t give a fcuk what you give as an answer babe 

Grrrrrlll 

It’s easy to love TAN 

But what if I’m not a brand? 

Just a man 

Would you still have love for me? 

Grrrrrlll 

Can you get me a Ketel-cran? 

The official drink of TAN 

So scram

And show your love for me 

 

Verse 1 

if I got AIDS tomorrow would you still touch me? 

if I lost both my arms would you still hug me? 

if I got knocked into a coma for half a century could I count on you to still have respect for me mentally?

if I killed the prez i’m on the run from the feds 

would you mind wearing a beard and growing some dreds? 

if I give you a black eye you wearing glasses to hide? 

if you caught me cheating would you let it slide? 

if I got you a fake bag for $5.99 

are you giving me head or starting to whine? 

what if you work a tough job straight walking with blisters 

while I’m home, unemployed banging your sister? 

if I bite off your tongue would you bite back??? 

if I nut in your eye would you wipe that??? 

I could piss in your mouth you know a nightcap??? 

might pass a little gass I know you like that ... 

 CHORUS 

More TAN Audio 

NPR's Tell Me More: Talking the VMAs

During Sunday night's MTV Video Music Awards, Beyonce announced that she is expecting a baby, and Lady Gaga flipped her script. The event also went without a host and instead concentrated on musical performances. Host Michel Martin discusses the night with music critic and blogger Patrice Evans.

MTV VMAs Break Tradition [NPR]

Notes on Andover's Rap Video

Over at Grantland:

Last week, the Internet weighed in on "The Andover Song" with chuckles, snark, and furrowed-brow curiosity. The prevailing sentiment seemed to be: Let’s drag every bit of this video around a manicured lawn and play ultimate Frisbee over its carcass. Die, Andover rap video! Die!

But there are lessons to be learned here, ones valuable enough to be taught at a prep school. We can break the issues up into “Not a problem” and “This is a Problem."



1. Not a Problem: Earnest rap

The most immediate cringe-factor with this video is how earnest and cloying it is. But the “genre” of earnest rap (or “educated rap”), in itself, is not a problem. Overstuffed, too-literal rap suffers from a disconnect between teaching and being cool. Sort of like a history teacher putting on skinny jeans, a leather jacket, and aviators to teach you about Freddie Knuckles (that’s Nietzsche, btw). But the teacher is not the problem. It’s the execution.

We should encourage fearlessness when it comes to trying too hard. Earnest failures are the ones that count. If it comes from an authentic place, the execution can be worked on. The dude with the braces and Celtics shirt, well, if you can say “the school molds to everybody like a mattress pad” and not snort on yourself in the process, you’re probably a well-meaning, glass-half-full dude who should be given a chance to lose the braces and develop a sense of style. No less than Jay-Z, Eminem, and Kanye were mediocre emcees when they started. Why? Too earnest. Jay was an overzealous fast-rapper. Em was boring and just overwrought w/rhyme schemes. And Kanye, well, we know the story.

(CONTINUED ON GRANTLAND)

Watch the Diploma: Andover Rap Video [Grantland]

Feminist Freestyles: Jezebel Minded (Lights Please Remix)

(click for audio)

lights please
lights please
lights please...

read about this nice girl, her name is jezebelly
but down to pick a fight, if you hot and on the telly
heard they daily views lookin' something like a milli
jon's daily crew wasn't ready for they jelly

sometimes i'm jezebel minded
but don't get blinded
looking for a style like tan you won't find it
so many rhymes and subliminal signs if
you read between the lines of this criminal mind bit

you're about to be reminded,
a blast from the past
of wipe my ass, and then your mind schtick
it's peter tan leave these tinkerbells blinded
by they own behind...

Light Up Remix (TAN + Drake)

they call me t.a.
make you shake your t.a.
boogie to the bk
amped without a p.a.
connected like i'm prepaid
flex 'em in the plié
catchin kitty
like i'm asspca
but yo, i gotta girl
she'll throw the flag e-zay
looking for possession
she don't need the instant replay
two minute warning
heads like: that's what she say
like if these jokes
sit down, i aint louis c.k.

The Ghost of Lauryn Hill

shit ain't been the same since lauryn said, nah
chappelle went, nah
a lot of TAN's saying, nah
badu and jay elec are on some partially, nah
even diddy's spazzing
kanye all capping
NAH,
so while you clapping
at these smart n's rapping
any poor new yorkers in the new yorker?
nah
they ain't look @whatyouselling
ain't hearing what you telling
that pop-rock ain't culture
i ain't cooking what you smelling
son, my fam is global
the universal local
the universe is loco
n's puff and look at coco
black people soul food
white people whole foods
asian peeps grabbing they chopsticks

With the Knowledge There's a Little Thug Blood In Me

A little while back I stumbled on this old 90s song, "Verbal Murder 2" featuring NORE, Big Pun (RIP), and Common. Off Pete Rock's Soul Survivor album. The Common verse, which I've clipped and posted here, has always been one of my favorites.

I like to talk about the intellectual DNA still embedded in hip hop lyrics that we need to recover, and this verse is a good example. The Common line I quote above gets right to the heart of some recent Bill Maher "real Black President" backlash. What Maher wants to say, and has said before, is that he wants his President to do the knowledge, but don't lose that thug sensibility, because Thugism is not all bad. Common nails the sentiment with room to spare should he choose to tweet it out.

"this stud bumped into me, beef there was 'fin to be, my appetite for destruction is finicky..."

Swap "BP CEO's" for "stud", and Obama doesn't even need to hold a press conference to share his state of mind.

Another awesome line is "he spiked his punchlines with current events". This is a nod to old school rhyme ciphers, where you got no points if you said something like, "i tear your ass down like the berlin wall" right after it happened for the name recognition of it (if you made it witty, all good). Or less dated, "I make the ladies go gaga". nah, son. don't go spiking your punchlines with current events.

Of course, if you think about the state of the news-aggregating blogosphere, most of them are just spiking their punchlines with current events. Headlines being the punchlines in a link-don't-tell culture. So, you see, Hip Hop had a sense of integrity about page views and SEO before the internet even existed (in a popular, functional sense). That's why I like to tout blogging as the new rapping whenever I can. Cause just like all the real bloggers out there, and real rappers, and Common in this verse,

"I can't take this fake shit ..."

MORE THUG BLOOD KNOWLEDGE VIA TAN3000

Breaking: Possible Lady Gaga, ft. Tiger Woods, Mixtape Song (audio, lyrics)

my name's eldrick, you can call me tige
mr. woods if you bring some friends
we can have one hell of a night
through the day

Dear TAN: Who's Better Drake or Walt Whitman?

Send your questions/letters to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com.

In this edition: Hip Hop is new human technology!

Dear TAN,

Is it fair to compare Drake to Walt Whitman?


- Curious

~~

Dear Curious,

It can definitely be instructive to compare, say, a writer like Guru to a writer like Saul Bellow; or perhaps confer the cachet of a Walt Whitman to a modern American troubadour like Drake. But there is some risk, especially if those with only a passing familiarity with the art and culture assume the role of instructor.

For example, in the case of Drake & Whitman. If you truly respect the craft of hip hop lyrics, and the evolution of our human species, then drake is more like whitman five million thousand. times titties. and i'm not saying titties casually. stop and think what titties mean as a metaphor for life or the human condition.
.
.
.
.
.

Not Bad: NBA All Star Game Rap Battle

Recently enamored of Lydia Davis and her unique brand of short story/poetry (shoetry? hmmm, pronounced show-a-tree? ...forget it, ugh!) ) I've been thinking about rapping as a form of prose styling. Which fits in with a growing notion that hip hop's grand error is its creative cachet being tied to the musical arts and not the literary arts. The music was the conduit to commercial empowerment, but the lyrics are where all the cultural and intellectual DNA reside. So as smarts trumps capitalism, hip hop is losing inventory (mostly due to bad accounting in the past).

When seen as a form of lit stylizing, then the rhythms, cadence, dialect choices all conspire to signal artistry at work in a more tangible way. Per Samuel Beckett (via Lydia Davis interview):

"I am interested in the shape of ideas even if I do not believe in them. There is a wonderful sentence in Augustine. I wish I could remember the Latin. It is even finer in Latin than in English. 'Do not despair; one of the thieves was saved. Do not presume; one of the thieves was damned.' That sentence has a wonderful shape. It is the shape that matters."

This is why the art of hip hop, of rapping, can/should be respected even if the content is about nonsense. Not that nonsense, especially of the lazy commercially-pandering variety, shouldn't be held as a demerit. But fact remains you can rap about the money, the cars, the hoes artfully. The heft of the craftsmanship in quality lyrics come from the person shaping their content/story/themes into proper "hip hop form" ...

of course that leads us into style vs. substance debates, amongst other tangents. but that's for another time. my point here was to set up this nba all star rap video, which i enjoyed as a stylizing of the "who's better: east or west?" conversation/debate most nba fans are engaging in to some degree during the All Star break.



so yeah, i mean hardcore sports fans are going to find the broad nature of this as substantively compelling as the latest black eyed peas joint (or whatever fluffy pop hip hop song is at odds with your intellectual sensibilities at the moment). but, like your average BEP song, it's mostly a fun aesthetic conceit. one that more and more people are finding accessible, if not fundamental. maybe soon rapping will be the equivalent of writing someone a note in thick permanent marker, as a sonnet or something. just having fun with language/communication! word, yo!

(also, i love the east coast production style, but think it makes the song a bit biased.)

Rapping Isn't Fundamental

When I did ironic little rap ditties (diddy's?) for 50 Cent's Vitaminwater, Nerve.com, Gawker and such I thought I was on to something new and different. The future. Hip hop's untapped potential as both an art and a more compelling form of communication. Like cellphones and twitter, Hip Hop was a new technology to deliver whatever message you wanted: Like, Eat at McDonald's!, or, buy khaki pants!, or, we love black people!

But just like watching a movie on your cellphone, you realize in execution the premise doesn't totally satisfy. turns out some of the things that make the cellphone convenient (i.e. it being small) undermines your ability to totally indulge the movie. Likewise, a rap's rhythm, pacing, style that make it artful undermine its ability to function as effective, direct communication (make your point and stop internal-rhyme-scheming already!).

As a hip hop enthusiast and champion, i always thought if you had flow and make some good punchlines, you could convert anything into the form and the young urban kids would bob their head and be like, yeah, i feel you. And even the white-people-rapping pandemic of the mid-2000's didn't persuade me otherwise. Those people just weren't good.

But now it seems, most people can at least kick a few bars without totally embarrassing themselves (right, Miley Cyrus!). And it's just like, eh. Not bad, you have competency ... but why are you doing this again? Anyrap, that's what I thought after seeing this journalism school graduation video...



It's like, don't stop on my account. Go, have fun! Rap! But i don't know, it's like seeing an interactive exhibit at a museum or something; I nod at the proactive gesture of edutainment more than i feel viscerally engaged by it. knahmean?

The Assimilated Piano

They're calling it "the fluid piano"; I'll just call it a "culturally assimilated piano", since that's longer and more cumbersome to say or write. In either case, here we have an instrument of art that dares to step outside of its western music roots/tradition like artists themselves occasionally do. how fancy!



Pretty awesome. I mean hip hop/electronic music producers etc. have been doing this for a while through sampling, keyboards etc, but this seems like a serious breakthrough with all the never-seen-before tuning/modulating options now on the instrument itself.

if kanye gets wind of this it might be the piece that finally lets him be great. we could also call it the Lady Gaga of pianos. or maybe the tiger woods of steinways since it's kinda-sorta cheating on the plain ol' regular notes. or maybe the michael jackson of [piano instrument] for reinventing how black-white notes sound when children play with it ...(?) hmm, that last one is a little off-tune but you know what i mean if you think about it. right? RIGHT???

KRS, I Knew, Duh, But I Did Not Know Buckshot and Talib Had Off The Dome Skills Like This

I think there is an objective philosophical argument to make for dropping "freestyle" as our textual indicator of off-the-dome skills. It muddies the clarity of our folklore/storytelling. It will be confusing *in the future*. But it's also an argument that's tough to make with conviction, cause I do agree, with many, that whatever you call it -- "freestyle" -- is the pinnacle of the hip hop culture. Professor Chang once said "hip hop is the art of the impossible", and freestyle is the most transparent, immediate practicing of that. A good freestyle is that perfect form of spontaneous literature. And as readers, consumers you have a sense when you're seeing the *real* shit.

Two samps below:





But for real, I always thought Buck and Talib were "written freestyle verses" types. And I'm not quite certain with Buck if that was all off the top, I mean if it was, he's sick and immediately moves up a pay scale or two.

Hate to be Grumpy Old Men about it, but def don't see it that much from the young boys. Here's Drake, "freestyling, on Flex. Not off the dome. Off the cellphone. I like Drake, but y'know, it's not the same. KRS and Buck got 20-somethingK views, on two clips, Drake has gone gold with this one. Huh?

BYOBBQ and The J Period Mixtape Giveaway

This weekend the hip hop blogosphere is getting together for a first annual BYOB (Bring Your Own Blog[ger]) BBQ. That's BYOBBBQ for short, and blog-cutesy.

AnyB's, looks like they got some online power brokers in the building. Nahright, Missinfo, 2dopeboyz, smoking section, OKP, others ...


also jperiod (mixtape king-ing-ing-ing!) on the wheels, and in the spirit of a first annual, and the online-free-hip-hop-content-sphere, there's a couple classic mixtapes being given away. here's the links:



Alternate Links:
THE BEST OF THE ROOTS: http://www.zshare.net/download/62630976eb935c84/
CLASSIC SOUL VOL. 2: http://www.zshare.net/download/62630909c7c8a245/

not sure if i'm gonna be able to make it cause my daddy went and got born on the same day and wants to have a party himself, so if you're in nyc and interested and have the ability to socialize and mingle, holla at me for details, i might want to send an emissary or something.

Jaydiohead: The Encore

Max Tannone, the DJ behind the Jaydiohead (Jay-Z + Radiohead) mashup that got some buzz late last year, and eventually landed a twitter shout-out from Mr. Carter himself, has released a 5-song encore.

When I unpacked the concept a little bit in January i said:

Jay and Radiohead seem complementary on the surface but are actually antithetical artists in sensibility. Jay in his own words, "is a business-man." "He's not trying to do numbers like The Roots." The Roots, of course, are artists. Maybe the closest thing to a Radiohead of hip hop. Also, the Obama of hip hop bands.

Jay is an artist as well, of course (my word choice is/was lacking); but this also ties in with the DOA critique. Hov's flow, presence exudes a bottom line sensibility that prioritizes business over "artsy" impulses that could potentially expose him, i.e. artist vulnerability is lacking. Mr. Carter plays it smart/safe as an emcee. Which is why I think the *concept* of Jaydiohead strikes more than the actual execution (though as toure and jay attest, there are definitely a couple joints that really cook). Radiohead's ethereal vibe/sensibility is more befitting abstract poetry, not matter-of-fact smooth criminality; hence my RadioNas suggestion.

I haven't gotten to marinate with the 5-song additions to really dig in on those, but I'm glad Max is still experimenting. It's all good-culture in the hood.

Jaydiohead: The Encore

Previously:
5 Fingers on Jaydiohead [TAN]

A Little Bird Told Me ...

You should be up on this song

José James, "Little Bird"


lyrics:

of all the things I found in life
no moment's better than this
of all the things i'd ever known
nothing prepared me for your kiss

if we fly
if we fly
if we fly into the sun
of all the things i needed baby
you were my cherished one

a little bird told me
that you can't find your way home
a little bird has shown me
that you can't run away from love


darkness falls upon the city
like the ocean falls upon the sands
waves of sorrow leave me breathless
can you love this broken man

if i try
if i try
if i try to love again
i wake up every morning
unsure of where i stand

a little bird told me
that you can't find your way home
a little bird has shown me
that you can't run away from love


open wide my feelings
and tear me down until i break
show me what the real me is
guaranteed to seal my fate

if i cry
if i cry
if i cry would you be gone or
help me rub my sadness
tell me i'm the only one

hold me
hold me
hold me
an-gel
hold me
hold me
hold me
an-gel

lovers only
giving when you
feel it in your heart

i knew it when you
kissed my body
loving every part

...
....
...

of all the things I found in life
no moment's better than this
of all the things i'd ever known
nothing prepared me for your kiss

if we fly
if we fly
if we fly into the sun
of all the things i needed baby
you were my cherished one

a little bird told me
that you can't find your way home
a little bird has shown me
that you can't run away from love


"Little Bird" is off the Jazzanova album "Of All the Things".
José James -- he of the timeless voice -- can be tracked at his myspace.

For Every Press Conference, A Pop Song

People are doing some amazing things with auto-tune, and video and audio editing. Here's another one. Pretty awesome:



I wonder if this is incredible only for this specific iteration/execution, and because it's new and novel. Or if every press conference ever conceived can now be repurposed into something beautiful (and danceable, too!).

(Thanks: LT)

Still #1: Not Vibe Magazine

Nice clip here with KRS talking about auto-tune and Vibe Magazine's authority in hip hop (in relation to their naming of Eminem the #1 rapper). He handles these potentially sticky questions in a hectic environment with ease, making sure not to conflate the artists with the artist-publicity machine. Then he drops a *freestyle* while waiting for the elevator. And he does all this while not being distracted by Super Mario's little nephew, or his mustache, harassing him with a microphone. Damn, he's dreamy ...



You know what you need to learn? Old school artists don't always burn.

like fine wine for the 0-9. Peace to Scott La Rock, you suckaaaaazzzzz

via BC

Death of Auto-Tune: Wow, Jay-Z Is Looking Pretty Hungry

I've got more coming on this front, but here's a theme/narrative I'm not seeing in the hip hop conversation: Superstars being HUNGRY!

Eminem just returned after 4-5 years. Hungry. Real hungry. No matter how you parse the end results, dude is obviously on his grind.

Now, per this clip below, we've got Shawn Carter, Jay-Z, looking pretty damn hungry/earnest/eager to earn your respect.



These are two of the best to ever do it. Both talent-wise and as corporate entities. Skills and resources. And it's interesting to see how they play their cards.

Jay's been swinging and missing since Black Album, or at least that's the public perception. But he's clearly looking to return to his roots -- the release before this "Brooklyn Go Hard", was another east coast hip hop headbanger with little mainstream/autotune ambition, --so he clearly feels he just needs to go back to ill lyrics on hard beats.

But I think, per the video, he's clearly amped about the song-as-manifesto; rocking this song, at a Hot 97 Summer Jam, with T-Pain on stage, Kanye on co-production, if you go along with the spirit of it all it positions Jay as the sole steely [life preserver-ish TK TK TK] in a sea of pop-autotune-inauthentic-blahblahblah that's drowning hip hop.

What's being missed here in terms of relevancy (I think, I still have to turn it over a few times myself) is hip hop's unique position in giving us this window into passion's relationship to artistic product and subsequently commercial product and success. Which is to say: it's easier to spot an angry rapper, as opposed to an angry actor or politician or athlete through their product. Hip hop transmits talent/creativity more transparently, and this is part of its still not-fully-understood value. (?)