Thursday, February 15, 2007

Ghetto Pass: White Castle Valentine

Ghetto Pass returns to document TAN's White Castle Valentine:
First off, can I just say, FUCK GAWKER. These motherfuckers pimp a negro with a win-a-date contest, then get all George Bush-during-Katrina and totally neglect my ass. Can you believe they WOULDN'T SEND A PHOTOGRAPHER? Plus, let's be racist honest here, all that really mattered was getting visual proof of my date's "DAMN! You got a BLACK ass!" claim. [Ed. Note: In the next 24 hours, there'll be video. Hold yer horses!] Despite Mama Gawker leaving her negro child out in the cold, as it turns out, a little privacy may have been for the best. No photographer meant this would be more like a real date. And who can act photo-pretentious when they're sucking down slyders at White Castle? So this week's Ghetto Pass profiles a real uptown story of possible love (?) and definite slyders at White Castle. Let's dig in...
Ghetto Pass: Valentine's Day at White Castle [Gawker]
White Castle Valentine Contest [Gawker]

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

More White Castle Date Entries

Well Gawk announced the winner yesterday, one Rachel Crawford, in the White Castle & TAN Valentine Special. Sucks for her!

There were some fun entries that didn't make the cut. They posted a couple of the runner-ups, but these were probably more entertaining, than closer to winning. As a reminder, the Black History themed mission was to write a paragraph about "what you have done for the good of black people."

Here was one from a 29-year old property manager:
about what you've done for the good of black people:
I wrote a book on Martin Luther King in second grade. I typically lecture on the legacy of slavery when I hear ignorant comments. I have always been sensitive and particularly empathetic and I feel I identify with the plight of amer. blacks. I avidly support all Spike Lee movies and other black literature, film, and television-- Girlfriends and 227 are and were my favorite shows. I took African American Philosophy, and African Art in college. I support black people and love the culture. For many many years I wished I was black.
Then we had a 19-year old college student say :
Though my name may conjure up images of long blond hair, aqualine noses, and other visual beacons of caucasia, I've done tons for Black people! Just last night I led a group of my friends in beating the shit out of some Norbit ticketholders. I don't wear skinny jeans, though I have rocked a hotpant or two (as the great James Brown said, "that's where it's at"). I wear my hair in its natural state. I don't know any songs by Pretty Ricky. I'm majoring in film and working toward becoming a casting director/ jazz singer/ documentary filmmaker. Mind you, in the grand scheme of things, this is Pretty Admirable Shit. Both of my parents are Black (there has been suspicion regarding my father, but I assure you, it is just suspicion), so there's that. I have a truly fantastic Black family that I love dearly. I volunteered with young Black public school kids of Detroit for 6 years... Okay, so I didn't really see a whole grip of Negroes until I got to college (the godforsaken Howard University) and I'm pretty young, so there's still a few things I may not be up on (no worries; I'm not one of those tragic mulatto/ tragic suburban negro types). But that's exactly why you should pick me! TAN and I would have some nice contrast. That and I've never been on a date with an intelligent person who wasn't a religious fanatic.

And, being a college student, I would smack a ho for some free White Castle.
Then a 30-year old in non profit sent this:
I like to think of myself as a Negrotiator. I was raised bi-racial in very, very white Minnesota. In my home, I translated the cultural experiences of my family members so that we might All Get Along. When my white dad didn't understand that the female members of the family permed our hair so that it would be straight, I was there to tell him that it was his side of the family that used perms to achieve curly tresses. When Mom divorced him and asked for reparations, I told him that she meant alimony. In my adulthood, I have continued to provide this service to well meaning, yet misunderstanding people of both cultures. My current interest is serving the black community as a consultant. I consult my black friends on appropriate names for their children. After seeing my girlfriends push out babies with names like LaTrina and Asbestos, I decided that there was a need for my services. Now, when my friends get pregnant, I ask them what they plan on naming their sweet, little bundles of joy. I recommend names that only have one capital letter and that have no punctuation. Recently, my friend suggested the name D'Jon (pronounced like Dijon), I called my father and asked him if D'Jon followed any of the white naming conventions that he was familiar with. Armed with my father's advice, I called my girlfriend back and she settled on Jon. Of course, when the baby was finally born, she named him JonVante. Still, I feel like I helped. I have yet to be recognized with a Nobel prize for my fine work, but a date with TAN would be almost as good. Also, I haven't had a White Castle in years.
And then I was very tempted to go with one of my Ghetto Pass hecklers, The Real JR:
One positive thing that comes to mind as to how I have benefited black people is by counting myself as one of their number. Granted, I am one of those halfie-blacks with an infusion of Filipina in me, but just the same, I'm one of those clean, articulate ones. There are just so few of us that we have to cling light-brown knuckled to whomever we can find. For instance: O.J. Besides, as the Dred Scott case taught us all: one drop will do ya. Anyway, although stating so may be a detriment to my actually being chosen to getting with five feet of TAN, I would like to think that my constant annoyance and need to consistently rebut those "Ghetto Pass" articles is also contributing to the positive upliftment of the colored peoples by way of Africa. As per my many lessons of the Nguzo Saba during years of Kwanzaa celebrations, when I see bullshit, I call bullshit - albeit in a highly articulate fashion. One thing I have done that evidently goes against all the tenets of black-people-dom is that years ago I said that O.J. did it. I know he did it. Even black people know that he did it but their inherent blackness ain't gonna call him out on it. (Damn, that wasn't articulated in the proper form, was it?) But just the same. So here is my entry. I would include a picture or perhaps even a MySpace link, but I don't want to seem over-enthusiastic in my wanting to be chosen for such a potentially romantic event (can I supersize the Orange Hi-C?).
That she mentions being articulate in the graf twice, and then later says "that wasn't articulated proper ..." is a strike against her, but I wouldn't mind some one-on-one time with my most earnest critic. Maybe I could learn a thing or two. Quest for conflict baby.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Watch This Video and Fall In Love With White People All Over Again

Sometimes I'm down, but then you see something like this and realize how fortunate you are to live in the good ol' United States of Caucasia:



via Joey and Supernegro

Friday, February 09, 2007

White Castle Craigslist - m4wc

If you're in NYC, and you ever wanted to go out with me, either to be friends, or to kill me and stop my blog before it does any more harm. Here's your chance. I guess you could also be totally disinterested in me and want some free White Castle. Either way, Gawker's having a contest, and I'm sure they don't care about your intents:

Win a Valentine's Day White Castle Date with The Assimilated Negro


White Castle Valentine [White Castle]

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Let Them Eat White Castle

From the wiki: In Western culture, Yin and Yang are often erroneously portrayed as corresponding to "evil" and "good" respectively. The truth is that neither Yin nor Yang is preferable or morally superior.

Holla!

Hopefully it won't be noticed, but it could be glitchy around here for a couple days. Blogger is forcing the move to their new system, and while I'm looking forward to organizing the chaos within these virtual walls, there could be bumps.

In the meanwhile, in between styles, here are some links that will make you a better person:

True Negro Confessions - let me know what you think

Black Like Me? - David Matthews does a great job digging into some of the Obama issues I referenced in the Rudy post.

What Black men Think PSA
(video) - keep forgetting to link this, but there's a site and myspace. Good subject, it's almost a serious version of my True Negro Confessions premise.

White Castle Valentine's Day - we might do something with this on Gawk. But either way, alone or with harem, I am not missing CANDLELIGHT at White Castle. I personally think this should be running non-stop on CNN's breaking news scroll.

And speaking of A Tribe Called Quest, the 33 1/3 book on Tribe's first album drops soon. Here's the wiki on the critically acclaimed "series of books written about important and/or seminal music." They also have a blog. What they don't have are hip hop titles, but Tribe should be a good one.

True Negro Confessions: A Tribe Called Quest

Gawker's been in a little bit of flux lately, so I haven't been able to transition out of Ghetto Pass as smoothly as I would have liked. But today I introduce the new thing: True Negro Confessions.

The graphic/illustration here was done by my homey Brandon Bolt. Today's introductory episode involves me talking to a "Blipster" about his dislike of A Tribe Called Quest:
I started collecting data on these Blipsters, but one in particular gave me a lot more than I bargained for. I visited him at his home, and discovered in his case the problem ran much deeper than being black and enjoying Nirvana. Sitting in his living room, I found out this guy also likes Bloc Party. YIKES! I immediately turned on the tv and flipped to BET to try and stabilize the environment. But THEN it got even worse when he told me another incredible race-defying confession:I Don't Like A Tribe Called Quest ...
So take a read and let me know what you think.

Ghetto Pass: True Negro Confessions 1
[Gawker]

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Presidential Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Be afraid minorities and poor people, be very very afraid. The buzz building around Rudy Giuliani running for president has reached critical mass, and you should be extremely concerned.

Rudy has way more than enough star power and political savvy to totally muck up what should be an election year that's primed for a Democratic victory. He's been Knighted, a Time Person of the Year, and always has the 9/11 Ace up his sleeve. He's got a track record and attitude that would totally capitalize on "George Bush With A Brain" positioning. And as we see in the pic, he's also got quotes on "leadership" already planted on Starbucks cups across America. Who knew the proceeds from your latte were going to fund the GOP election campaign?

Rudy's even got a little dirt in his past to give him that Bill Clinton man-of-the-people panache. This is all very troubling.

Part of the optimism with Hillary and Obama was based on timeliness. Their candidacy was aligning right with an enormous void of leadership, such that even those who might otherwise be resistant to change could look past the negro or female thing just to get a competent life form in the position of command. This was supposed to be the case with Kerry, and he proved to be competent, just not a life form. But now everyone knows we were duped and suckered AGAIN, so what they hey, bring on the alternative candidates. Anything but the status quo. But Rudy's presence now casts a huge shadow on the festivities. He has some warts, but with Hillary and Obama splitting all of the "vote for change" crowd, a white man as well decorated as he is is extremely dangerous. He's like The Death Star for the Republican empire.

Thinking about the potential matchups: I think I prefer Obama v. Rudy over Hillary v. Rudy. Before Giuliani stepped in I was choosing Hillary's seniority over Obama, but somehow with Rudy in the mix I think the gender thing is a disadvantage. It's easier to be subtly sexist than subtly racist. Plus 'Liani's just ruthless. If you're mixing it up with him you want to send the women and children home, cause it might get nasty out. Obama might be a little too much of a punk as well, but I'd bet on him breaking out the brass knuckles before Lady Clinton. Although, Lady Clinton does have Republican Kryptonite in the form of her husband. So it's a tough call. Jury's still out I guess. Really Bill Clinton should just be made King of the United States, but I guess that's not an option.

Rudy vs. Hillary would be pretty crazy actually, that would probably be the most entertaining election campaign.

Either way you add it up though, us Ewoks, Chewbaccas, and Princess Leias should be afraid of Rudy. Very, very afraid.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Electric Circus Review- Hip Hop Infinity

Anyone who remembers Hip Hop Infinity will probably chuckle to learn that I was down with HHI briefly. Like two reviews brief. They were shaky on the pay, but you could also review and get your ish reviewed, so I did it more for the ancillary artist benefits. Which took two reviews to find out it wasn't worth it. Here's a couple links to message board hearsay and story-swapping on the legend of HHI.


Anyways for the archives, here's an old review of Common's Electric Circus I did for HHI (2002).


EC Review - HHI

As much as Resurrection signaled Common's (then known as Common Sense) birth as an artist, his latest project Electric Circus distinguishes his artistic evolution from others who are satisfied with operating within the current parameters of hip hop status quo. Artists like Common allow the genre to expand its horizon and become something more than what we thought it could be. A negative, but necessary, consequence of trying to pioneer new territory is the backlash of those who don't agree with the artist's vision. It is an element of artistic responsibility to shoulder the burden of making that vision clear. This is the essence of the artist paradox-- trying to make progressive and personal work that appeals universally.

Where Common typically excels at the former, his success at the latter is qualified. Invoking the memory of The Beatles and their Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band with the album cover, Electric Circus appears to be a project from an artist who is consciously trying to boost that universal appeal, but remains too personal and principled to ultimately achieve that goal.

As with his previous release Like Water for Chocolate, Common relies heavily on the Soulquarians for production on Electric Circus. In fact, it might be said that this association is what distinguishes Common from other "conscious rappers." It is the music that provides the truly progressive foundation for Common to build on. Questlove, Jay-Dilla and James Poyser are the head architects who provide the aesthetic appeal to Electric Circus. The Neptunes also make two quality contributions with the two singles, "Come Close" and "I Got a Right Ta." To their credit, these cuts fit in with the distinctive sound and vibe of the album as opposed to sounding like two singles forced in just to have Neptunes production. "Come Close," for instance, is much different than the typical Neptunes sound.

Common and the 'quarians have enlisted a lot of help to create this eclectic set, collaborating with artists such as the aforementioned Neptunes, Prince, Laetitia Sadler, Sonny from P.O.D and Erykah Badu among many others. All of this helps the Soulquarians create a vibe distinctive from their standard urban-soul-music associated with Like Water for Chocolate, The Roots and Jill Scott. The heavy use of electric guitars creates a sound more in line with Jimi-Hendrix-on-hip-hop, and not only because one of the cuts, "Jimi Was a Rock Star", is a Jimi tribute. Overall, the producers and musicians have a lot to be proud of on Electric Circus, it is the strongest suit of the album.

If there is a criticism of Electric Circus, it is directed at Common for not completely maximizing the potential that the accompanying music provides. Viewed as a whole, Electric represents a tremendous artistic step forward, whereas on an individual song level those familiar with Common will quickly recognize the same themes he has trumpeted since his third release One Day It Will All Make Sense. There is nothing inherently wrong with this, of course, but just as thug rappers get criticized for regurgitation of the same "drugs, money and hoes" rubbish, so must more intellectually oriented artists be held to the same high standard for variety. There are plenty of conscious emcees who preach love of self and attack the music business from their lofty educated pedestal, so lines like "You ain't supposed to rhyme/ better off with a clothing line/ in this business of pimps, many hoes get signed" may no longer carry the same resonance as they did five years ago.

That said, Common remains in the lyrically elite and is now passionate about defending his right to change with lines like "I'm the only cat in hip hop/ that can go into a thrift shop/ bring that get-up to the ghetto and get props." Obviously, his evolution and maturity may render him inaccessible for those who don't share his passion for religion and black pride, "Trying to test the reaction of the people/ see through, trying to out act Don Cheadle/ I speak to original Hebrews, you know how we do." Artistic license can be given to an emcee like Common, however, because his upside and creativity will always outweigh his occasional didactic rant. For example, a song like "I Am Music" is a highlight that follows in the creative footsteps of "I Used to Love H.E.R" and "1, 2 Many," as Common posits himself as music itself, "On every station it's hot, you can't stop my heat/ I taught Jay and Dre how to rock the beat/ on what's going on today I got to speak." Also to his credit, like many of our best artists are doing in response to the issue of how to keep the lyrical presentation fresh when most everything that can be said has been said, Common makes a conscious effort to change his style, cadence and delivery on various songs (with varied results), ranging from a hard rock approach in "Electric Wire Hustler Flower" to slow and deliberate in "Come Close" to more haphazard flows very reminiscent of Sadat X in "I Got A Right Ta" and the conventional lyricism in "Soul Power." All in all, Common brings more to the table than most, but his resume creates high expectations and perhaps conceptuality is the area where he could find room for further growth.

Through his new image and presentation of himself and his music, Common is clearly conscious of trying to break through to a higher level of commercial success. There should be no mistaking that images of Jimi Hendrix and the Beatles are conjured up for a reason. However, he abides by what he preaches in his lyrics and does not compromise the music itself for the purpose of commercial gain. Electric Circus is a musical masterpiece, it is visceral and inimitable and it challenges our current hip hop production standards. Lyrically, however, Common does not entirely match the multi-faceted nature of the music that supports him. One suspects his principles and "consciousness" will end up being the traits that stymie the breakthrough potential of this album. If he used the music as a stage instead of as a pulpit, he would probably garner the commercial validation he desires and deserves. As such, Common remains a bit inaccessible. But despite some faults, Electric Circus is above all a beautiful album and one never knows in the music biz-- it will be interesting to see if Common's image consciousness can coincide with a beautiful work of art and make for successful business.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Now You Know ...

I haven't hit my ni**a know peeps with some link-love in a while. Somehow I stumbled on them yesterday and they provided me with much amusement. They don't post every day, but when they do it's usually fire. Peep some selections from the front page below:

Wiki game - I wrote a little draft up for "Negropedia" around the same time they put up this post. But this is for real, I've been reading some wikis on hip hop groups and we definitely need some race regulating up in there.

iphone game - I can't say much on this, cause if I have the dough when these come out (I won't), I might cop one, but regardless they kill this too.

Wii is for Wiite people - This post on the Wii system is hilarious, and has my vote for funniest imagework:


KKKramer™
- This is way old-school now, but besides the somewhat entertaining drama in the comments that will easily fill your quota for racial epithets being flung back and forth (you've been warned), I didn't see much in the hubbub that actually talked about whether Kramer should even be up on stage playing comedian. But Big Eddie Ed had some wisdom on that:
You can't go to no Kramer stand up comedy shit and expect to dumb out to some shit like its Cedric the Entertainer. You are surrounded by white motherfuckers, and you watching Kramer. This motherfucker is good at being jumpy and having tall hair. That's all, nigga. It ain't a comedy show if all you got is white motherfuckers in the audience, because white people ain't got no sense of humor. I mean, when the fuck was the last time you seen a black prop comic? Say word on that.
So there you go. When I slow it down a little, and you get fed up with me trying to get my Will Smith or Cuba Gooding on, these are my real Ice Cube heads shooting perpetrators in the dome while I'm crying over girly-drinks with blood all over my face, wondering if my father's gonna hit me in the head with one of those silver stress balls cause I came home after curfew.

Holla at ya boys.

(and if you like the pic, obviously check their swag. not sure if the breezie is still available though...)

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Prince Tells Bears And Colts They Can Stay In The Locker, He's Got This

Seriously. Prince just destroyed the Super Bowl. He should go to Disney World and retire.

Too bad for the Foo Fighters they can never perform "Best of You" again. Prince decided to take it to the next level on some assimilated negro ish, killin' em at their own game, and that song now belongs to him. Happy Black History Month bitches. Holla.

No need for the teams to come back out. The game is over. It was a very entertaining first half, but Prince is just gonna hold it down for the next couple hours. It's all good.

Let's Go Crazy People!

UPDATE:


Saturday, February 03, 2007

Negro Bowl I: Outro

Final install of Negro Bowl went up Friday, History is History:

Well, as we tie the noose around our coverage of Negro Bowl I, we have to say it's been an interesting ride. We've had ups and downs, we've laughed and cried, and through it all we've enjoyed the sound of freedom ringing.

We've also learned some things:
1. African-American are just Americans in Europe.
2. Negro Bowl might be more important than Oprah ("forget about Oprah, man!")
3. Negro Bowl is not nearly as important as hanging Bill Simmons upside down and putting a fork in his ass

Negro Bowl I: History Is History [Deadspin]

Earlier Coverage:
Welcome To Negro Bowl I
The Black Coaches Guide To Success In The NFL
Breaking: Lovie & Grossman Out, Parcells & Romo In
Man On The Street (video)

Friday, February 02, 2007

Rough Draft: Blogging All Over New York

So sometime last summer I wrote this song, which was a send-up of a track that was out a year prior to that, "Pimpin' All Over The World" by Ludacris. "Pimpin'"wasn't a particularly good song, but it was ripe for parody, and sometime after I started meeting some of the NYC bloggers the concept for "Blogging All Over NY" was born. I have a video treatment (complete with a sketch interlude) plotted out for this. I never did write the third verse though. And I never got anyone to sing the chorus. But I was thicslose to shooting it, even sent the e-mail out to organize all the NYC blogger cameos, but my creative ADD kicked in, and there was no $ involved, and the song is kind of old, so it just sort of faded to black. But I'll get it done at some point, just to have in the vault.

It's a little rough, but that's what blogs are good for sometimes ... plus, you know, it's like sharing with friends. As freedarko might tell you, behind closed doors, I'm a little into transparency and the deconstruction of process right now.

It also lets me link some people in a creative fashion, I actually posted these hyperlink-verses (can I say hyper-verses? ... there's some coinage in the audio-literary presentation of this that's gonna be my thing) a while back in the archives, but will re-post on the big board below for convenience.

My favorite line is: "word, my words overheard on the streets/where they bump my nerve sh*t from the curb to the beach" - It flows well, and works the hypelink ish to a tee.

[quick aside: the tether to my sanity is fraying. And I like it.]

Now audio:

~


MP3 File

~

all over new york baby
center of the universe
the blogging here is so crazy right now
that’s why, when I see a girl
i walk right over to her
i’m like yo …

waddup girl, I’m a blogger
assimilated negro looking for fodder
and I’m not your average ipodder
kicking some game
you know my sh*t’s smart, funny,
plus a little insane
(hey)
see TAN is running this town
and if you got some wi-fi
I could show you around
that’s why anywhere online
you’ll be thinking of me
there's so many blogrolls with people linking to me
(hey)
they really digging my sh*t
guys want to get me drinks
girls show me their tits
I’m fueled by NY
can’t fuck with the sticks
trying to hit these hipster chicks
in the basement of Lit
(hey)
the assimilated negro dot com
I swear it
now you know the URL
go share it
make sure you tell them how your boy got flows
scripts and videos
Gonna …

Chorus

we act like stars
dodgeballing at the back of the bar
you know who we are
cause we’re blogging all over new york ...

Verse 2
you hear the song so dance
go on and shake your ass like monkeys up in your pants
cause see me
I’m blogging in 3-d
popping out like titties on an IJC
word, my words overheard on the streets
where they bump my nerve sh*t
from the curb to the beach
but you can reach me downtown
with that smart-ass banter
talking shit, taking shots with the copyranter
this is what we do now
these real New Yorkers
know your blog ain’t sh*t
'til it’s linked on gawker
that’s how I shake it up
get the dough and rake it up
beefin' on the street
son, you better break it up
gonna need some tapin' up
smelling salts for wakin' up
stories that I tell
you can’t make it up
this is live, no satellite
flow so satin-like
for my sharp tongue young manhattanites

(sketch break)

Verse 3
~

TAN Audio Room [TAN]

Thursday, February 01, 2007

How Important Is Negro Bowl I? (video)

Coverage of Negro Bowl I continues on Deadspin today.

In this installment, the fourth in the series, TAN hits the streets to gain perspective on this historic occasion:




Earlier:
Welcome To Negro Bowl I [Deadspin]
Ongoing Coverage ... [Deadspin]

Ghetto Pass: Exit Plan

Today's Ghetto Pass is about how to leave the ghetto, The Exit Plan:

Like the lushest of Shakespearean tragedies, leaving the ghetto is such sweet sorrow. There may be no finer setting to observe the babes of comedy and tragedy both suckling up to Father Nature's bosom to nurse from the same lactating teat. But while we smile and reminisce on sweet serenades of quarter-waters and looseys, we inevitably remember that no one leaves the ghetto on accident. A citified reflection of our own internal duality, the ghetto is both loved and loathed; tragically flawed so that it is most appreciated after it is eventually left behind. Whether you want to be a head coach in the Super Bowl or just a bummy-looking Blipster, no one, not even the president, enters the ghetto without a proper exit strategy.

Ghetto Pass
[Gawker]

Related:
From Negro To Assimilated Negro [TAN]

The Seven Deadly C's

Any sort of writer or artist needs vice in their life, you need a certain lack of sobriety to reach into the depths and rip out that which we cannot stand sober. Thus, in the interest of enhancing my art, I'm looking into adding the Seven Deadly C's:

cigarettes
cocaine
coochie
coffee
'cohol
cess
cunnilingus

So when the ladies are asking for the down south love, now you can tell them, "I don't do drugs."

Everything in moderation my friends.

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