Monday, September 12, 2005

Come See The Assimilated Negro !!

cue sound



1 …

Hello there. Do you consider yourself clever, sexy, or caring?? Have you ever been hungry … or thirsty? Are you in a place that’s room temperature … or a little below?? Do you own a light bulb?

Well if you answered yes to any of these questions, you are in the right place.

The Assimilated Negro b-l-o-g is the b-l-o-g of all b-l-o-g-s. It is the greatest invention since sliced bread … errr … I mean the I-pod Nano.

Don’t read all those other boring blahhhhhhhhhhgs.

Or even those silly blogs.

Read yourself a genuine, state of the art, vintage, imported directly from El Barrio, stainless steel, diamond crusted, Teflon coated, velvety, leathery, buttery, light-as-a-feather, sexy, smart, sophisticated, yet sensible, spicy, tasty, fuel-efficient, no-carb, lo-carb, mo-carb, remodeled, renovated, innovative, aqua-beveled, tri-level, love god/ignore the devil, handsome, tasteful, classy, fun, funny, functional, fundamentally sound, fungus repellent, fundamentalist approved, democratically powered, capitalistically financed … and generally speaking, just very good b-l-o-g.

This b-l-o-g is going to be hot. It’s going to be HOT. It’s going to be HOTTTT!!! It’s going to be hot like fire. It’s going to be hotter than a Paris Hilton sex tape with Angelina Jolie, and Beyonce, and Lucy Liu, and Madonna when she was hot, and Shakhira at the VMA’s …mmmm Shakhira at the VMA’s … with a hot soundtrack by Kanye West, and hot narration by Bobby Brown and Morgan Freeman, and hot new episodes of Chappelle’s Show in between, all produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, set in hell, on the 4th of July, on the sun, in the sun, in the sun’s core, with no AC or even a fan, and burlap Northface coats on, zipped all the way up, all rolled into a Hot Pocket in the hottest microwave set on hot (or high) with no time limit…

This blog will make all that seem like nothing.

But don’t take my word for it. Check out these testimonials:

“The Assimilated Negro b-l-o-g reminds me of ambrosia and nectar”
- Zeus

“I love reading “The Assimilated Negro,” it makes me dance like I did at the VMA’s.”
- Shakhira

“I’m going to quit singing and dancing and have a baby just so he/she can read this blog. It’s awesome!!”
- Britney Spears

“Now this is the type of sh*t I’m talking about son!! Holla at your boy my niggy!!”
- Barack Obama

“It might be cliché for me to say this, but I’m on Cloud Nine when I read The Assimilated Negro”
- The Number Nine

“what are your profit margins looking like with that there blog of yours. I might want to get in on that action.”
- hedgefund guy

“We’re going to fortify …. We’re going to intensify .. .and we’re going to stay the course and get the job done.”
- George W. Bush

“A gazillion dollars is a lot of pressure ni$$a, you try entertaining with that much pressure on your shoulders”
- Dave Chappelle

“Hey assimilated negro. Can you write your next post on our breasts??”
- random ‘Girls Gone Wild’ girls

“kissed by the rainbow’s breath, I dance with sorrow, whispers come, and still I …smile”
- random poet

“I’ll plug The Assimilated Negro on the invention channel if you give me 20% of your profits”
- Pat Murphy-Stark of the Invention Channel

So as you can see, people from all walks of life love The Assimilated Negro b-l-o-g. So what are you waiting for? Act now and you can partake in this amazing force of nature for the low price of ZERO DOLLARS!! That’s right ladies and germs* FREE!!

And best of all … your satisfaction is guaranteed. If you are not completely ecstatic about The Assimilated Negro after trying it for 3,650 days, we will send you your money back**

Don’t miss out on this amazing opportunity, for as soon as The Assimilated Negro has enough leverage to charge money … he will…

Alright, that’s all folks. My time is up, so I’ll just plan to see you in the comments section of The Assimilated Negro.

‘til then …

Au Revoir

-cue video of The Assimilated Negro knitting a sweater for one of his fans-

germs is not a colloquialism for the term “gentleman”, only actual germs and ladies/females try free, all males will be charged an annual fee of $45,000 a year. Transvestites or transsexuals should contact customer service.

** No we won’t.


  1. Anonymous9/12/2005

    that's some funny stuff. keep it coming negro ...

  2. Anonymous9/12/2005


    "all rolled into a Hot Pocket in the hottest microwave set on hot"

    that's hilarious

  3. Anonymous10/05/2005

    ohmigod!! LOL!!!

    I'll definitely be reading ...

    I'll stay anon, don't want to end up in a commercial ;)

  4. I've been reading through your posts. you are absolutely cracking me up here.

    why are all your commenters annonymous? did i miss the post about remaining incognito or something?

    ill be back to check.

  5. For more wholesome content on Negroes and our focus, visit

  6. Anonymous12/14/2006

    hey...when niggers travel abroad do they have to check into a regular hospital or a vet clinic for chimps? just to get their anti rabies vaccines....please advise. Coz I got this black girl who froths at the mouth and speaks a strange language...somthing like ...hoooo..hooo....hhoooo. Pls advise

  7. Anonymous12/14/2006

    you nigger are such a sorry assed bunch of keep whinging and whinging bout how the world "aint treating me right massa" but yet you assholes just go on do your dope and your coke and best you guys are known for is either pimping your sisters or selling hot goods. Get real you frinking monkeys...the PRICE THE WORLD WILL PAY YOU IS THE ONE YOU PUT ON YOUR OWN HEAD. Nobody controls your destiny cept yourself. So stop thinking your "nigger" coz the world has stopped it long time ago. Your problem is in your own frickin chimpanzee head.....remember...your not black..your chocalate brown..bootpolish brown. Halleliueh


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