Tuesday, March 28, 2006

TAN Reads

So, the video clips are up from WYSIWYG: Worst. Sex. Ever.

See pics and clips from the show here.


WYSIWYG

TAN Does WYIWYG


UPDATE: We got the clip, it lurks in the box below...





wordemup ...

Thursday, March 23, 2006

The War On Terror Drunks Continues -- OR -- The Texan Monopoly On Stupidity Continues ...

Apparently in Texas they are now starting to arrest drunk people in bars.
Texas has begun sending undercover agents into bars to arrest drinkers for being drunk, a spokeswoman for the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission said on Wednesday.

The first sting operation was conducted recently in a Dallas suburb where agents infiltrated 36 bars and arrested 30 people for public intoxication, said the commission's Carolyn Beck.

more ...


I love the fact they call arresting drunk people at a bar "sting operations" -- that's classic.

Finding drunks in a bar -- what are the chances? [Reuters]

Educated Rap: LifeCycle (audio)

When in doubt for content, TAN can always dig into the old music catalog. It's getting more and more difficult to post older stuff, and not feel self-conscious about my not currently making any new music *sigh* ... but we make do with what we have...

My demo CD is called Theater of the Assimilated Negro. And the concept behind it was to sort of canonize the hip hop song archetypes, while also [demo]nstrating the range of my own particular hip hop talents. So I had the classic golden-era mid 90s song (Three Minutes), I had the club song (Phone Sex), the educated rap/message song (LifeCycle) ... and some others. You can find the full assortment on the Theater blog.

So below you have the "Educated Rap" interlude. Followed by the song "LifeCycle." The verbose intro to the song explains the intent:
Hello, we’re happy you you could join us at the school for the future. What’s going to be discussed today is on the subject of LifeCycles; those spheres of routine and circles of habit that make up our world as much as matter, thought, or energy.

We have two demonstrators today. One will put a particular lifecycle under the microscope. The other will look at lifecycles in general. Lifecycles exist everywhere, from the junkie on the street, to the pop rap star doing the same thing over and over and over ….

I had two people read it, overlapping, to play off the "cycle of repetition" theme. And to slightly rephrase the above, it's basically about how we all have these cycles we fall into that repeat themselves. Junkies using drugs, pop stars using song formulas, girls falling for detached assholes, guys falling for whores etc. etc ... you know the stories I'm sure. We all have our weaknesses, and we do it again, and again, and again ...

The interlude explains the "educated rap/message song" archetype in general. It runs about a minute. That's the first thing.

Then the song. I may post the lyrics later. I have to dig them out and find them. First emcee is Mister Wizard. Second is yours truly.

educated rap interlude:


LifeCycle

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

TAN Droppings

Creative people usually have a note pad for jotting down ideas that hit them.

In addition to my notepad, I usually keep a doc on the desktop for putting quick ideas and other notable items down when using the computer. Since I'm a little backed up, I'm going to be lazy and just paste an assortment of items from a doc I just looked at for ideas. Some of them are a bit nonsensical without context.

  • I just happened to flip on dr. 90210, and the scene was a husband and wife goin into have the wife examined. And the husband basically has to watch the dr. molest his wife. Fondle her breasts like he never could. Give her that satisfaction she so desires. Need husband's inner monologue. -- Oh, another employee just came in for a demonstration, he gets to molest the wife as well.
  • We Are The World generated 7.5 million dollars. The average house in NYC now costs one million.
  • Flyswatters are an incredibly underrated invention …
  • The most important part of a job to is the money to creativity ratio - $/C.
  • Why are they called boyshorts?? Do boys wear them? (I hope not)
  • Fine schooling is like fine dining.
  • Bulldogs don’t run, they jiggle and propel themselves.
  • Friend of friend dynamics...
  • Is Brad Pitt god? Seriously ...?!!? (stevie wonder vs. brad pitt)
  • Online advertising is getting out of hand. So many of these sites cover every square pixel with ads. You have to work find that little patch of space that won’t bring up twenty popup ads. You need a steady mouse-hand these days. Can't be nervous. Imagine everything on this page is a click-through to an ad, and the period at the end of this sentence is what you have to click on to advance to the next page of content.
  • Law-yer …
  • Models are people who can’t look ugly. good point of distinction. A lot of attractive people can look bad if you catch them at the wrong time. Not models. No matter how hard you try, they can't look ugly. That is what makes them models. -- the correlary to this is that it seems like it's the job for a lot of fashion designers, especially when they're getting "artistic", to try and make models seem ugly. But because of models they fail, and thus ... fashion.
  • The world’s most disgusting man …?
  • Ebony Magazine was once known as Negro Digest (yes!)
  • Is there anything purer than the sight of dogs at play …
  • Whisper ads, perfume. Who in the world had the epiphany that perfume should be marketed through whispering? No other product relies so heavily on the whisper. Whenever people start whispering I think they're trying to sell me some modern day troubadour's fragrance.
  • You can use any line for going out and getting fcuked up. Sloshed. Bananas. Aardvarked. Hmmm maybe not ...
Don't steal my bulldog revelation, or the "law-yer" thing. I know you're eyeing it.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Can People Move Backward And Forward At The Same Time?

I saw this post where Brown Baby laments the demise of a fling/relationship, and was struck by the line:

"Or is he actually thinking people moving forward can actually move backward? "

Most people who list themselves on the Relationship Stock Market, can relate to that initial rush when you're clicking with someone. You meet, chemistry is great, you consummate the chemistry physically, then your eyes pop out of socket when finding out that even after sex you still enjoy the person's company. It then dawns on you that a relationship only really needs two things - good conversation and good sex - to be worth your time, and subsequently your waking moments get consumed with thinking about your new partner-in-crime.

But after the weekend, or the week, or however long the honeymoon period goes, reality aka "the other shoe" drops and more often than not someone wants to scale things back. And since you've just had this intimate connection/rush, most people are mindful of being sensitive to the other person's feelings. "I like you but ..." followed by "let's slow it down," "I need some space," "I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship" - these are the stock phrases. Cliche because they get the job done.

In this situation, someone is usually trying to move the relationship backwards (presumably because there's some ideal relationship template that dictates that certain things have to come first in a happy relationship), usually to some pre-sex stage, because, I guess, sex brings a whole bargeload of intimacy and baggage with it.

So you end up trying to move forward, while taking the relationship backward.

And I wonder if that's really pushing the relationship forward, or, as Jewel might say, are you standing still? Stagnating the relationship because you refuse, or don't have the balls, to acknowledge some sort of impasse or conflict that has caused a problem ...

I don't know, but I like the phrasing of moving forward and backward at the same time.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Revolutionizing The "Blog Photo" Shoot

A lot of people complain about the blogging pics in mainstream-media stories always being the same stale snapshot of a guy or girl with their laptop. Nothing more. So for the AM New York story TAN decided he would have to get his "creativity" on. He hired a crack photographer, and made sure he was caught doing "other stuff" while blogging.

It is kind of amusing how this "blogging while grooming" photo that made the paper probably doesn't translate as a joke. People probably think I actually blog and shave at the same time. They also probably think I'd make a better orange man, instead of a black man.

Anyhustle, to provide context, here are some other revolutionary photos of TAN blogging from the AM NY shoot.

This is the standard TAN blogging pic (notice my dog Shirley, by my feet in the background).

Hmm, looks like this anonymous commenter means business, better take my hoodie off.

My Total Gym helps me keep my blog posts tight. Chuck Norris would be proud.

Damn!! They turned the heat off in my apt again. Gotta blog in the cold. Someone call 311.

Showers take so long sometimes ... and I really love blogging!!

Whoah, god-damned papparazzi!! Can't I wipe my ass and blog in peace?

If you're going to be blogging this much, it's best to use protection ...

awww yeah, it's about to get hot and heavy now ...

this is TAN blogging in the dark

see... a dutiful blogger never loses touch with his laptop.


FYI - these photos were all taken at a sound stage in Los Angeles.
All images taken by professional photographer, Monkey In My Pants

Related:
TAN in the paper [TAN]

Welcome To TAN: AM New York

So today TAN can be found in print, featured in a story on New York City bloggers in local daily AM New York.

New York, Blog City

I'd love to make the joke that "other" bloggers get plugged in New York magazine, New York Observer, or The New Yorker.

While the black guy gets AM New York.

But I won't do that. It would be tacky. The last thing I am is tacky.

Plus it shows a lack of appreciation, and obviously I'm - *consulting assimilated dictionary* - um, stoked to get plugged in the paper. I've been blogging six months, and its been a crazy ride from drinking Steel Reserve out of my hands in the back alleys of East Harlem, to sipping Ketel and cranberries out of teacups at a "back room" in the LES. I remember when me and my bodyguard used to have beat down fools to get them to visit TAN. Now I'm over three thousand peeps a day (is that tacky? if so, see above), and hopefully still spreading growing...

So if you've never been here before and you're wondering what The Assimilated Negro is all about, I don't know what to tell you. TAN is difficult to categorize. Here are a handful of samples that, if nothing else, demonstrate that I'm incapable of giving you just one flavor:

The Relationship Stock Market
"Black" History Month
Don't Lick Your Lips At Me On The Train Please
Review of "Crash" or Why We Need "Better" Racism
Negro Hipsters???
Apples and Oranges Don't Care About Race

Then you got audio...
and video

Hmmm ... maybe if the blogosphere is network television, then TAN is like HBO. You're not sure exactly what you're going to get, but it should be good entertainment. Drama, satire, suicide, snot, salt water taffy, long lost sisters, and tears.

(I wonder, if you link yourself enough times, does your blog just explode in your self-touching face? Blog-facials...)

Anthony Hopkins says Happy Kwanzaa.


Ok, I've lost control of the train, so I'll just pull the brake here.

ciao for niao

UPDATE: More from the TAN AM New York photo shoot

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

OPERATION: ROTFLMAO

From the man who brought you hobo-rap, the end of all winking, and revolutionary new tools for the mucus on your nose (I’m like George Washington Carver, Holla!).

The next campaign is upon us. I know many have already begun the fight ... I now join you in the struggle.

OPERATION: ROTFLMAO
What the fuck are you talking about?!!?

This is my OPEn tRAnscipTION to people who use ROTFLMAO.


Dear people who use the term ROTFLMAO,

What the fuck are you talking about?!!? I don’t get it. People don’t really say “rolling on the floor laughing my ass off” in actual conversation. So why do you have to shoehorn this waste of eight letters into our messaging and e-mails? It’s not even a good acronym. It’s not clever. It doesn’t spell anything. And it’s not even that short, ROTFLMAO is longer than most standard good-size words. It’s almost as long as the word “eucalyptus.” And no one wants to write that out. It’s as long as “laughing,” and longer than writing the word “funny.” Which is the point here, right? I can only presume you're trying to express your amusement, and the whole rolling on the floor and ass falling off is for “dramatic effect.” Correct me if I’m wrong.

And really, rolling on the floor? Laughing my ass off? What is the imagery we have going here? Has that ever happened at any time in the history of the universe? Someone rolling on the floor laughing, and their ass falls off? I don’t think so. It’s fucking disgusting. It’d be like “YO SON! Don’t tell that joke again, the last time you said it someone rolled on the floor and laughed his ass off. There was blood and not-yet-congealed shit everywhere. It was fucking nasty. I’m not down with that. Just tell the regular old funny ha-ha jokes.”

Ok. I could even concede letting you use the “rolling on the floor” part. It’s a little unnecessary, but all right, we get it, you really enjoy the humor going on right now. Excellent.

We can even add the “laughing,” just so we know what you’re rolling on the floor about. Even though clearly, it had to be the joke. That was a good ass joke. It had you rolling on the floor … laughing.

But nooooo. You can’t leave it at that. No, that’s not enough. No, this joke here was EXTRA superlative. This joke right here was THE SHIT! This joke right here had me rolling on the floor … laughing my ASS OFF!! Yeah, not on. Off. My ass. Off. From the joke. Well yeah, I don’t think it was just the joke. The rolling around helps too. It’s the combination of the joke and the rolling around on the floor laughing. I think the ass actually falls off while I’m rolling around on the floor … laughing. I guess my ass could fall off while I was rolling around the floor crying as well. You just need an emotional response strong enough that it forces the ass to detach a little bit. Then the rolling around takes care of the rest. But we don’t like to talk or “acronymize” about the crying so much, that’s a touchy subject.

Ok, so stop it ROTFLMAOers. Or I’ll get my bodyguard to pummel you.

Sincerely,

TAN

PostScript:

Ok I have a couple things to add.

So if we remove ourselves from this satirical fantasy-land, where people’s asses come off when they hear a good joke, We acknowledge that no one is actually rolling on the floor laughing their ass off. It’s a dramatization. It would be disgusting. And certainly if it were true we wouldn’t see it nearly as often as we do.

This is when you people who use ROTFLMAO really become fascinating subjects. Cause if everyone knows that there is zero chance that any person is actually rolling on the floor laughing their ass off, then what exactly are you doing? Why do you feel compelled to relay this reckless bastardization of the truth? Have you no moral compass? Were you raised in a dark dungeon by Sin and Betrayal, never to know the light of honest communication? There's no need for this:

“I just stubbed my toe on my bed”

“ROTFLMAO”

I’m not letting it slide anymore. From now on I’m going to say,

“No. No you’re not ROTFLYAO. You’re lying. That’s what you’re doing. You’re sitting at a computer and typing lies.”

Why do we allow this lying, this projection of some alternative world where we have crazy hysterical responses to even the most casual of conversations? I get enough propaganda in the daily barrage of corporate marketing nonsense. I don’t need your transparent histrionics in my personal e-mail. If you’re trying to express your enjoyment of a joke, Judas, why don’t you give this a try:

“That was funny.”

Or

“That was really funny.”

Yeah maybe it doesn’t have the same fireworks as your roll-the-ass routine, but it’s real life. Honest. True. Pure.

Let’s try and keep it that way.

Thanks.

Now I'm really done,

TAN

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Men Monkeys Like Looking At A Nice Ass

The perceived gap between men and monkeys continues to close, as scientists learn that monkeys will pay to look at pictures of a nice female monkey's ass.

Next, the researchers took photographs of the macaques and loaded them into a computer program. Some females were photographed from behind, so that the image showed a close-up of their hindquarters. Other pictures were head shots of both males and females.

Four of the male monkeys then sat in front of computer screens. They were rewarded with juice whenever they shifted their gaze from one image to another. Some images resulted in more juice than other photos.

The findings are published in this week's issue of Current Biology.

When given the choice between a photo of a low-status male with a high juice reward and a photo of a female's hindquarters, the male test subjects refused the extra juice so that they could gaze at the sexy female images. They also "paid" with juice to see photos of high-status males.

So there you go ladies, we can't help it, it's programmed into our biology. Maybe with this in mind you'll give the monkey on your arm a little slack when his head turns a little too quickly.

They should also test if the monkeys prefer the ass uncovered, or in a nice pair of Seven jeans.

Who Needs Juice When You Got All This Juicy Ass To Look At [Discovery Channel]

Monday, March 13, 2006

Beware, TAN Is Everywhere ...

So I got a new marketing/street team for promoting The Assimilated Negro. And they discovered dynamic images. If you want to experiment on your own, click here.










you heard the man. holla at ya boy ...

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Can You Hear That? Listen ...

it's the sound of everyone in the (borough / city / state / country / world / universe?) watching The Sopranos...

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Everybody Wants A Granddaddy Like Norman

I enjoyed this Nerve interview with Norman Mailer and his son John.

Norman Mailer is the kind of guy who would get the label, "he could fit in well with black people" [/stereotype] - he speaks frankly, almost to the point of recklessness. In other words, he makes an excellent grandpappy. Or pappy in this case. Imaging saying something thoughtful and your grandfather begins saying, "Alright, let me demolish your thesis..." Tres hot my niggies.
In the book, you both agree that women "control" men. Could you elaborate?
I think women are in control mainly because they see themselves from early girlhood as future coaches. They're in control the way a coach is in control.
Coaches can handle athletes who are much more powerful than they are. You have guys who could kill you with a punch, and his little Jewish manager says, "Listen, you dumb fuck! How many times do I have to tell you to keep your right up around your ears? Do I need to tie a string to your fucking head?" And this big oaf of a guy is like, "Gee, ok boss. I'm so sorry." You could use that as a paradigm for marriage.
more...

Interview: Norman Mailer, John Buffalo Mailer
[Nerve]

Friday, March 10, 2006

Black. White. Watched All Over??

Anyone see this show Black. White.?

Apparently it's a new reality show on FX where they have some amazing makeup person make a white family look black and vice versa, and then we get to watch the wacky hijinx ensue.

Of course this sounds like prime TAN fodder. So has anyone out there seen it? I'm seeing mixed reviews, which I'll post below. And I can't find any good still images to see the universally lauded makeup jobs. But I'm curious ...

Black White And Brilliant [Rolling Stone]
Color Commentary [Slate]
Black.White.Like.Me [CBS News]
On TV: Black. White. [Seattle Post intelligencer]

A-List Stories

Life is all about how many A-list stories you have.

I was talking to someone and they sort of casually referenced a story they had about meeting a guy on craigslist for a date, and after a couple encounters the guy was in the girl's car crying declaring his love for her. We didn't get into the details at that point, but it occurred to me that craigslist-guy-crying-and-declaring-his-love after a couple dates might have A-list story potential.

I have a handful of A-list stories. This is one. This is another. Apparently I like to tell them in serial format.

I'm not sure the definite ingredients needed for an A-list story. I guess most B-list and C-list stories, like B and C-list movies have a certain level of predictability. So A-list stories are all about the disbelief factor. How many people say, "no, are you serious?!!? that's craaazy" and then interrogate you on all the details. It's so wonderful to have stories that defy people's expectations on life. Like if the guy in the craigslist date story was George W Bush, that would be A-list, and unexpected. Or, for example, the other day I got on the bus and this old lady followed me on and she was complaining and yelling at the bus driver about not running on schedule. Then some people were sitting in the exclusive old people/handicapped seating and she yelled at them. Then she went back to screaming at the bus driver. And all of a sudden the bus driver got up, came over to the old lady, pulled down his pants, and TOOK A SHIT right on the old lady's lap. Then he turned around and yelled, "WHO'S GOT THE SHITTY ATTITUDE NOW??? HOLLA!!!"

Ok, that didn't really happen. But if it did, it would make an A-list story.

I also like the idea that everyone has a few A-listers and you have to sort of decide how and when to play them. It's like Story Poker. When you start telling a story, you always think you're laying down the best hand, but someone may come around and top you.

Anyways, I'm curious how many A-list stories does the average person have?

I'm also wondering *right now* if you can control having an A-list story, or if something out of your control has to happen. For example, if you're living a boring life you may say I need to go out and spice things up. I'm going to shoot a couple people and then shit on an old lady's lap. People won't see that coming. But if you think about the cocktail party later (cause that's what life is all about right? the cocktail party later), when you tell the story it probably won't translate as an A-lister. If you see the shitter/shooter, that's A-list. But if you are the shitter/shooter. Then you're just an A-hole.

So if you can share how many a-list stories you have, some of the ingredients in an a-list story (yours or otherwise), and perhaps some of the rules related to Story Poker .... that would be nice.

Feel free to spice things up and shit on someone's lap also.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Wanna Cyber???

So I got this flirty, innuendo-laden e-mail the other day from some "friend of TAN." And the e-mail was written in such a compelling fashion, I just HAD to respond *wink*. In responding, I asked if she was trying to get me to "cyber" with her, and I wondered (in the e-mail) if people still did that. Seems very old-school ( by the way, the wiki I linked above on "cybersex" is highly amusing).

Anyways, this is all brought up because a friend just sent me a link to some guy "bloodninja" who apparently likes to do these fake cybersex threads, like a CrankYankers for IM. Some of you may have seen this already, but I'm sure it's worth another look. Here are some excerpts:
Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

---

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: K, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja: How did you know?
Bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate: What the fuck?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of shit
DirtyKate: Fuck

---

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this shit is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the fuck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
MommyMelissa: whatever.
here's more ...

And do let me know if you or people you know still "cyber" ... not cause I wanna, of course, just curious. It's like finding friends who still use VCR's.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

The Netflix Neighborhood Challenge

So over the last few months my Netflix exchanges have been slow. Until recently Netflix was always pretty snappy, they would have my return and the next movie shipped on the day after mailing. But since the new year, it's been taking a day or two longer for them to receive my returns. Then a couple weeks ago I left my oh-so-humble SpaHa abode and forgot to drop the dvd's off in my usual mailbox that's across the street. I ended up in a building on the Upper East Side, in the sixties. I dropped my dvds off in the mail slot and I swear it seemed like when I got back home a couple hours later, Netflix had already received, checked in and shipped a new movie. I felt, despite the Flushing mailing address, that I had dropped my dvd's off directly at netflix HQ.

Since then my own exchanges have remained slow.

So now I'm thinking there's probably some "neighborhood priority system" going on behind the scenes at the 'flix. And I'm planning to break the case. I'm going to be bringing my netflix returns around with me to the various neighborhoods I visit in Manhattan and Brooklyn. And we'll see who gets the shaft, and who gets [insert smart funny line that plays off the 'who gets the shaft' setup here].

Do we have any other case studies on this matter? Have you noticed any difference in Netflix return speed based on your neighborhood, or um, level of education/body odor?



these people do not live in Spanish Harlem

Monday, March 06, 2006

Snotsicles!™

A few days ago, when we had a run of freezing temperatures, I was talking to a friend and they were lamenting about how they were not looking forward to their jog in the "snot-freezing cold."

And I thought to myself, it does suck to jog in the snot-freezing cold, I wonder if there's anything I could come up with to make it just a little less miserable.

Then all of a sudden it hit me. I had the solution.

And now I'm happy to present the newest food sensation from TAN.

Snotsicles!™

Snotsicles!™ are your savory solution to "snot-freezing cold." Snotsicles!™ allow you to make that frozen snot work for you. Don't be bored in that blizzard with regular old boogers on your lip, pick up Snotsicles!™ and get that party under your nose started.

See Snotsicles!™ come with everything you need to turn that Mucus Moustache into a fruity fiesta of flavor and fun. The secret is in our specially formulated flavor-crystals. All you do is sprinkle a little on your top lip, head out into the arctic conditions, and when the flow from your runny nose mixes with our patented ingredients, ... WELL WATCH OUT WINTER!! Now instead of a cumbersome frozen snot bubble, you have a delicious treat. One the whole family can enjoy!

Kids angry cause instead of dessert they have to shovel snow?

Never fear, Snotsicles!™ are here. Children are known to spend hours licking their Snotsicles!™ You'll wonder why they love being sick and never hang out in the house anymore.

Snotsicles!™
now in mixed-berry, passion-fruit, banana, minty-eucalyptus, salty, extra-salty, and hairy-licorice flavors ...

And
Snotsicles!™ are so easy to use...




all you have to do is make sure your nose is good and runny ...










then apply the special Snotsicles!™ flavor-crystal adhesive










and VOILA, Snotsicles!™ ...








put this girl in the freezing cold with Snotsicles!™ flavor crystals and no more tears...

Snotsicles!™
the blizzard booger beater


Friday, March 03, 2006

The "I Don't Give A Fuck" Shirt

The other day I realized I had a "I don't give a fuck" shirt. I was going out to this bar/lounge to meet a friend. We were going to get a couple drinks, but we acknowledged that it was very possible nothing would come of the evening. Sometimes you go out saying, "I am going out and getting drunk/dancing/partying tonight" in which case you know you're going to bounce around no matter what happens. But sometimes you have a couple options, but if something happens and those plans fall through, or become cumbersome, you're willing to bag the evening and go home.

So this was the latter situation. And I went in my closet to get something to wear and saw this shirt I purchased, but have never worn. As I put the shirt on it felt very empowering looking in the mirror and thinking, "whatever, I dont' give a fuck!"

Do other people have "I don't give a fuck" shirts ... or pants/jeans?

It's very similar to "laundry day" clothes. On laundry day you might find me in the laundromat wearing some burlap sweater I got in 89 and tighty-whities. Another "I don't give a fuck" ensemble. But the laundry day outfit is different because you're not expecting to see anyone other than fellow laundromat patrons. The "I don't give a fuck" shirt is a choice. There's something empowering about its position. That there's a bottom [to your wardrobe], and you control it. You can choose to give less than your best effort and people have to just accept it.

During the evening my friend and I did end up talking to some ladies, and I might have been even more carefree and recklessly jovial than normal. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't need to say it explicitly. My shirt said it for me. Later on in the evening I saw a lady-friend who saw my shirt and asked, "did you actually wear that out???" I told her I did wear it out, and that I had dubbed it my "I don't give a fuck" shirt. I also told her it apparently wasn't too much of a problem because I had the contact information for ladies who also "didn't give a fuck" about the shirt I was wearing.

So now I think I'll be wearing my "I don't give a fuck" shirt more often. And I wonder if that means I have to find a new "I don't give a fuck" shirt.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Black History Month Relocation Movement Building, 'Wiggers' To Take Over February

North of the 96th Street Mason-Dixon line, the hot word of the street is about a powerful movement building to make this the last Black History month celebrated in February. After hundreds of years of oppression, black people in this country want to throw off the shackles of this “cold-ass, short-ass” month, we’re told, and move to something “much more appropriate to a people with such an esteemed heritage.” The buzz is that black people are targeting May, and possibly even June, as the new home for Black History.

special report on Gawker


I don't know, I sat on this one for most of the month, and now I'm kind of like eh. Might be more bluster than gold...

But it was fun finding the pictures, and the pics make the piece go. And for that these ladies below deserve all the credit.

Art Director: Michelle Collins
Image Research: Erin Schulte


Related:
TAN Celebrates "Black" History Month [TAN]
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