Sunday, October 02, 2005

If We Bring Back The Slave Days, Look At The Cool Products We'll Have!!

With the recent flood of race-baiters, stemming from Bill Bennett's recent remarks, I've been forced to think about what life would be like if we did in fact turn the clock back on racial progress and equality. And after meditating on the issue for a few ipod nano-seconds, I've decided it wouldn't be all that bad. Modern technology combined with old racist ideology creates a brand new wave of cool products and services:


SlavE-Bay – Why pay ridiculous retail prices for your slaves??? Bid on SlavE-Bay and get your own personal slave at up to 75% off the price you’ll find in most commercial slave outlet stores. We have all types of slaves – house slaves, field slaves, athletic slaves, sex slaves. They’re all here for the whippin’ at SlavE-Bay. In fact I have my own slave typing and uploading this post for me right now. It’s awesome!! And I was able to “buy him now” for only $13.88 and $15.00 shipping. Steal of a deal!! Only way to beat this bargain is to build a boat and go to Africa yourself.

TiVNegrO – Have you been so busy creating capital that you have completely missed out on all the Negro antics this week? The ballgames, the latest hip hop shoot-em-up, or “GirlFriends” … well fret no more, when you get TiVNegrO all the latest Negro shenanigans will be available to you 24/7, whenever you want. TiVNegrO keeps a record of all negro activity in the country in its newly patented Digital Negro Library. You can watch that negro throw a chair across the crowd again, again, and again. Slow-motion, fast-forward, you can even stop live-negro-action for those times when your negro friends come by and you don’t really want to “get into that whole race conversation.” With TiVNegrO you just pause and watch it later. TiVNegrO works for you, on your schedule.

Distressed Jeans by Jim Crow
– We always have the edgiest jeans on the market. We have authentic, vintage, distressed jeans for him or her coming to you directly from the name you trust -- Jim Crow. Each jean is special, individually designed, worn by an actual slave doing actual farm labor on our plantation, so each one is different. The rips and general “distress” come from whips, and running through briar patches, and escaping our dogs. If you’re lucky you may even get a pair with actual blood on them. Don’t be fooled by knockoffs, all Jim Crow jeans come with genuine negro hair embroidered into the back pocket. If there ain’t no naps on the back, it ain’t Jim Crow.

Apartheid Housewives – These segregated housewives are craaaaaaazy. Watch the hijinx unfold as these oppressed women wash their laundry in a creek, and try to figure out which white man has the AIDS vaccine.

Slavester (beta) – Want to be a good massa and keep track of your slave’s friends and family? Then Slavester is the slave-networking tool for you. Plug in your slave name to our expansive database and come up with all the siblings and children associated with your slave.

I-Nigs – The latest and greatest in portable music. Not everyone can be a techno-geek, downloading (illegally mind you) and playing mp3’s and wav files and whatnot. For those who want a more classic player and sound we present I-Nigs. With your purchase you will be given your very own portable negro who will actually sing the songs you want to hear for you. Attach this negro to your beltclip, or stow him in your very own I-Nigs stow-away bag. Manage your playlist on the fly. The high-end models allow your I-nig to sing for you or your friends. DJ your very own party with I-Nigs!! If you don’t need a lot of memory, I-Nig minis may be the selection for you. I-Nig minis are children of the I-Nigs. They have fewer songs in their head, but are more likely to fit in your pocket. Get one for you, and your special someone as a Kwanzaa gift.

Bill Bennett is on the money. Crime goes down. Commerce goes up. It's win-win baby!!

23 comments:

  1. Great! Where can I get ME one?

    Hey, pretty spiffy blog you've got underway here.

    Thanks for commenting over at Falafel Sex. We need more BIll Bennett fans as readers.

    ReplyDelete
  2. great stuff, especially the jim crow jeans. man coulda had a chain of plantations.

    btw, my favorite part of BB comment was Bush's "Not appropriate" response. way to lead.
    CR

    ReplyDelete
  3. iNigs?

    You think Levar Burton knows the words to Sonic Youth songs?

    (I will now proceed to Hell. I'm sorry.)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lord lord lord.
    I do not approve.

    Still, I want an I-Nig. Bad.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous10/04/2005

    I appreciate your idea that I bought Tubbs off of SlaE-by...

    but in truth, she got me from www.iwanttomoveupintheworldwithawhiteperson.com

    Or so she says...but I was the cheapest model they have. She seems to love me though, even thought I don't have an iNig.

    ReplyDelete
  6. ....you can tell she was the cheapest model. She can't even spell 'behind'.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks CR. Thanks Abbey, though not sure if I'm a Bill Bennett "fan".

    tubbs/carly -
    The cheap models also usually lack the clean credit history ... that's a crucial feature.


    tubbs may want to look into -
    Converting From Negro To Assimilated Negro

    get your ducks in a row, maybe you can upgrade?

    though I suspect you won't want to. Even the cheap models have an endearing quality to them, no?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Negro-
    I'd consider converting, but I don't need to; I'm light skinded. So light skinded infact, I've glided through the red zone and entered yellow. Also, unlike you, I still live in the South. Down here, color still matters. And I'm on top of the food chain.

    Plus, I got that good hair.

    *falls into depths of self-hate and racial identity crisis. Imitation-of-life/Mariah-Carey-style*

    ReplyDelete
  9. Does the INig dance? I am assuming they do, but I need to be sure. I don't want to have to pay extra because of some fine print loophole.

    I'll take a sex slave too!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I knew I didn't gloss...I'm not a glosser. I'm definitely not a glosser.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous10/06/2005

    Tsk, Tsk, tsk... So very tasteless, and un-PC.

    Do Jesse & the Rev. Al know about this?

    Funny as hell, though. ;-D

    ReplyDelete
  12. How about a investement company, which advertises on park benches, named NIG?

    ReplyDelete
  13. If there ain’t no naps on the back, it ain’t Jim Crow.

    Classic.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous10/09/2005

    Haha, very cute :)

    That said, the thing that really interests me about this post (and its comments).. is how would the comments be different if a non-black blogger had posted it? I dread to imagine! :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. spacemonkey - I don't know with the company. But certainly the Negro Stock Exchange is a possibility

    peter, moonflake, jenn, kurt, kiril and anyone else - thanks.

    peter - yeah I actually thought there'd be more sensitive types sending me hate-mail. but so far not too much of that.

    probably too busy watching TiVNegrO

    ReplyDelete
  16. Great post. It's amazing how many people there are out there who really would fare better if they just didn't open their mouths in public. From Bill Bennett to Hillary Clinton, people just can't seem to keep their hand (or mouth) out of the race cookie jar. I really do appreciate your take on this, we need more bloggers like you. Keep it up.

    ReplyDelete
  17. THAT IS SOME FUNNY SHIT. KEEP IT UP, i hope to read some more of it.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anonymous9/04/2007

    iNigs?

    You think Levar Burton knows the words to Sonic Youth songs?

    LMAOOO!
    *DEAD*

    You KNOW he knows the words to that! This is a funny ass post. I don't even know how I came up on your blog, but i's funny ish. I'll be back...

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anonymous12/21/2007

    FUCK ALL YOU REDNECK YALL ALL COULD SUCK A DICK AND DIE SLOW HAVE A VERY NICE AND BLESSED DAY THAAANKS

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  21. Anonymous1/16/2009

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    ReplyDelete
  22. Pure genius. It cracks me up when people question things from the perspective of "what if a non-black blogger had posted it" mind-set. No disrespect to Peter but I doubt anyone but a person of color could temper something of this nature with the right amount of historical truth, sarcasm, and ridiculousness that allows it to be funny without being malicious. It reminds me of my white friends who say things like "well why isn't it ok for me to say N*gger", generally my response is "why are so dead set on being able to say it?". But nonetheless I think most people of color can appreciate race jokes from White people when they're funny and not just stupid or malicious. It the difference between a comedian like Ralphie May and someone like Michael Richards (Kramer from Seinfeld) making comment. If you hang out with people from a certain ethnic background you know the subtle nuances of how things are said and done. You know when you can get away with it and when you can't. TAN (regardless of his actually ethnicity) is a funny mofo with his finger on the pulse and therefore his comment are funny and poignant. Besides who wants to read a blog called "The Assimilated Cracka"?

    ReplyDelete

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