With the recent flood of race-baiters, stemming from Bill Bennett's recent remarks, I've been forced to think about what life would be like if we did in fact turn the clock back on racial progress and equality. And after meditating on the issue for a few ipod nano-seconds, I've decided it wouldn't be all that bad. Modern technology combined with old racist ideology creates a brand new wave of cool products and services:
SlavE-Bay – Why pay ridiculous retail prices for your slaves??? Bid on SlavE-Bay and get your own personal slave at up to 75% off the price you’ll find in most commercial slave outlet stores. We have all types of slaves – house slaves, field slaves, athletic slaves, sex slaves. They’re all here for the whippin’ at SlavE-Bay. In fact I have my own slave typing and uploading this post for me right now. It’s awesome!! And I was able to “buy him now” for only $13.88 and $15.00 shipping. Steal of a deal!! Only way to beat this bargain is to build a boat and go to Africa yourself.
TiVNegrO – Have you been so busy creating capital that you have completely missed out on all the Negro antics this week? The ballgames, the latest hip hop shoot-em-up, or “GirlFriends” … well fret no more, when you get TiVNegrO all the latest Negro shenanigans will be available to you 24/7, whenever you want. TiVNegrO keeps a record of all negro activity in the country in its newly patented Digital Negro Library. You can watch that negro throw a chair across the crowd again, again, and again. Slow-motion, fast-forward, you can even stop live-negro-action for those times when your negro friends come by and you don’t really want to “get into that whole race conversation.” With TiVNegrO you just pause and watch it later. TiVNegrO works for you, on your schedule.
Distressed Jeans by Jim Crow – We always have the edgiest jeans on the market. We have authentic, vintage, distressed jeans for him or her coming to you directly from the name you trust -- Jim Crow. Each jean is special, individually designed, worn by an actual slave doing actual farm labor on our plantation, so each one is different. The rips and general “distress” come from whips, and running through briar patches, and escaping our dogs. If you’re lucky you may even get a pair with actual blood on them. Don’t be fooled by knockoffs, all Jim Crow jeans come with genuine negro hair embroidered into the back pocket. If there ain’t no naps on the back, it ain’t Jim Crow.
Apartheid Housewives – These segregated housewives are craaaaaaazy. Watch the hijinx unfold as these oppressed women wash their laundry in a creek, and try to figure out which white man has the AIDS vaccine.
Slavester (beta) – Want to be a good massa and keep track of your slave’s friends and family? Then Slavester is the slave-networking tool for you. Plug in your slave name to our expansive database and come up with all the siblings and children associated with your slave.
I-Nigs – The latest and greatest in portable music. Not everyone can be a techno-geek, downloading (illegally mind you) and playing mp3’s and wav files and whatnot. For those who want a more classic player and sound we present I-Nigs. With your purchase you will be given your very own portable negro who will actually sing the songs you want to hear for you. Attach this negro to your beltclip, or stow him in your very own I-Nigs stow-away bag. Manage your playlist on the fly. The high-end models allow your I-nig to sing for you or your friends. DJ your very own party with I-Nigs!! If you don’t need a lot of memory, I-Nig minis may be the selection for you. I-Nig minis are children of the I-Nigs. They have fewer songs in their head, but are more likely to fit in your pocket. Get one for you, and your special someone as a Kwanzaa gift.
Bill Bennett is on the money. Crime goes down. Commerce goes up. It's win-win baby!!