Thursday, November 30, 2006

Ghetto Pass: Livery "Gypsy" Cabs

As TAN awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gypsy cab driver...

I wanted to lead with something like that and make this week's GP a little different. But I stuck with the program:
Sometimes you want to expand your cultural horizons, but you lack the tools. If you stop your typical yellow-cab on the street, it's very likely you'll be inhaling exhaust and burning rubber as they peel out before you can even say "Bedstuy Do or Die please." Enter Gypsy Cabs, like ghetto Charons ferrying you into Hades, these cabs shuttle around in territory where yellow cabs act, ... well yellow. Add in the flexible price plan, honey maple spice air freshener, and radio station locked into WBLS and you start to get an idea for why New Yorkers everywhere are starting to let the Canaries drive by in favor of "Going Gypsy!" So all aboard, and leave your token cab-hailing caucasian behind, they won't be needed. Your unmetered smellgood ghetto-chariot awaits.

Ghetto Pass: Gypsy Cabs [Gawker]

Earlier In The Ghetto Pass Curriculum:
Ghetto Chinese Spot
Corner Bodegas

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Morgan Freeman Deserves Some Ass Goddammit: A Petition in Three Parts

Part 2, Morgan's Movie Monologue

Morgan Freeman sits on a leather chair in a dimly lit room. His snifter is half full with cognac. He swirls it around slowly. He exhales, and sits deeper in the chair.

the familiar voiceover begins:


Sex was never a big deal for me. Ha. I remember I didn’t have sex for six months before shooting Lean On Me. I knew that role could really put me on the map. And it did. Two years later I was in Driving Miss Daisy, and it’s been relatively smooth sailing since then, ... at least with regards to my career.

Mmmm Driving Miss Daisy. It would never have dawned on me at the time, but that’s probably the origin of my frustration. It shouldn’t have been Driving Miss Daisy, it should have been Riding Miss Daisy. Or Miss Daisy Riding Mr. Freeman. Hell, with the reality show hysteria nowadays, if we shot it now we could call it, Morgan Freeman Bangs The Hell Out Of Jessica Tandy In The Back Of A Limo - Survivor. It wasn't a limo in the actual film, but it'd probably be one in an updated version.

Swirls glass and take a sip. Morgan smiles, this is his favorite Cognac.

My libido has always been an irrepressible component of my personality, but I knew professionalism was paramount at that point in my life, so I made a conscious move to do some guy movies. Then I was in Shawshank, a good film, but also far removed from that sexual realm. Not to say there isn't sex in prison ... but that sort of thing just isn't my style. So I was in a good, calm, unexcited position, there was little to be concerned about.

But then came a series of movies with Rene Russo, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Robin Wright Penn. And needless to say Mr. Daisy was ready to Outbreak. I could gave given it to any of them for Se7en days. Especially Moll Flanders. She’s underrated.

Morgan stands up, cognac still in hand, and walks over to a record player. He sets the glass down on a nearby table, looks over a stack of records, and carefully selects one. He gently blows away the dust and puts it on the turntable. Sweet sounds of Thelonious Monk fill the room. He enjoys it for a few seconds, grabs the glass of cognac and takes another sip.

Of course nothing cools that fire in your loins like doing a movie with Keanu Reeves. But the reprieve was brief, and it wasn't long before my life was changed forever via the The Ashley Judd Paradox. After Ashley, there would be no turning back on my desire to Kiss The Girls.

With my sex drive once again liberated, I wanted to chain all these girls up and treat them like slaves on Amistad. I wanted them to feel my Hard Rain and Deep Impact.

Ha. No, I'm just kidding. I still keep a lot of these feelings suppressed. That's what it means to be an actor. That's what it means to be a professional. I know if Nurse Betty has a black baby out of wedlock, I'm not going to be the one under Under Suspicion. It's gonna be Chris Rock.

But I do remember when they talked to me about Along Came A Spider, and when reading the book I saw my character and Monica Potter's character get it on. I thought the drought would be over. But they changed the story. A High Crime if ever there was one.
Morgan hears someone come in. His wife is home. He lowers the volume on the music, and takes another sip of cognac.

The sum of all my fears was realized when ... I had to do a movie with Ben Affleck. HA! No, my fears were confirmed when I was finally cast as "God" in Bruce Almighty, and I still couldn't conjure up a fine piece of ass for me to administer the Big Bounce to.

My heavens the girl in that movie was hot.

Morgan's wife comes in and sees an all-too-familiar scene for her.


"Morgan, what are you doing??

Nothing, just thinking.

Well put the cognac down, turn the record off, and come into the kitchen to help me make dinner. You can waste time reminiscing on your movie career later.

Ok baby, I'm coming."


~~
Part 3 - A Call To Arms ...

Earlier:
Part 1 - The Ashley Judd Paradox [TAN]

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

What Do I Look Like? I Don't Know, A Surprising Number Of People Say I Look A Little Like Julia Roberts In Mystic Pizza



Link

And of course I get the whole Johnny Depp/Jake Gyllenhaal thing all the time.


Link


I personally think Robert E. Lee is the most accurate call of them all. And, of course, if I really looked like Kristanna Loken I'd be the happiest man you know who never leaves his apartment.

But one question, are there no black celebrities? I don't need you to lie to me with a Denzel, or a Will Smith, even if you got me a Star Jones or Al Roker up in there (as beautiful as they are) ... that'd be fine. Just someone with melanin has to get in over Anthony Kiedis, or Michael Collins. I mean come on now.

I might need to e-mail customer service.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Football Is Stupid!


It's just a stupid game. Just stupid people doing stupid stuff. I used to think football was a cool and refreshing distraction from the stale, dry-mouth malaise of my everyday life. I even had teams I rooted for, Notre Dame and the New York Giants. One for college, one for the pros. You may have at one time called me a die-hard fan, I have never wavered on my team allegiances. But now I just think it's all stupid. I mean really, what's the point? It's just stupid, stupid, stupid.

Throw in the Knicks, and the sexual frustration of the '06 mets, and this whole "sports" idea-thingy is on very shaky ground with me. I don't need this type of aggravation in my life.

I am absolutely sick right now. I'm trying to think of a time in my life when I've felt this level of revulsion. Oh wait, I know... There was that time I thought I had a nice turkey-and-swiss sandwich for lunch, but when I bit into it instead of turkey I got doo-doo. And instead of cheese I got thin slices of swiss doo-doo. And then apparently some acne-ridden teenager squeezed his pimply face until he got a nice lather of bloody-pus discharge cream going, and washed it all off with my bread. I believe that was the sun-dried tomato mayonnaise.

After that someone rushed in to tell me not to eat the sandwich, but instead of words the chunkiest brand of Green Pea Puke came out of their mouth and splattered the side of my face. Then it oozed down my neck, underneath my clothes, and tendrilled down my body. Oh yeah, all over my back, ... there it goes, I can feel the trail of slimy-puke trickling down my thigh as I type this. And it feels strangely appropriate. Hold on for one second, let me just marinate with it for a moment... *M-A-R-I-N-A-T-I-N-G*... Ok yeah, right at that point, when the green pea puke that was spit on me — after I bit into a doo-doo and doo-doo sandwich (heavy on the mayo-pus) — right when it dribbled down to my thigh, the level of disgust I felt at that particular moment is similar to what I feel about my football teams right now.

God, what an awful feeling. I wonder where I got that sandwich from ...

Anyelimanningsucksway, I think that's all I have to say on the matelimanningsuckster.

Oh, and the first fifty people five-hundred billion people to say the word "football" around me are at high risk of physical assault.

Cheers.

And Now A Word From The President ...

In response to students dressing like enlisted negroes at my college (aka The Michael Richards School for Performing Arts), there was obviously much backlash. Amongst the whippers was a TAN friend and Trin alumnus who sent a letter to the President of the school. And while there's not much in the way of scintillating scandalous content here, it's only fair to post the exchange and not let Trin-Trin be solely represented on this blog by people in brownface-body.
To whom it may concern:

I recently saw a series of pictures in which a student was "disguised" as an African-American for a Halloween party. I have never felt so embarrassed to be associated with Trinity College in my 12 year relationship with the school. Clearly this person understands very little about the world; he has no place at an institution of higher learning.

I hope the administration is taking this matter very seriously. As the school continues to drift lower in the national rankings, I can't help wondering whether it is the fault of an admissions process which embraces individuals like this young man. I implore you to get the school on the right track quickly or you will never see a cent from me again.

Sincerely,

[Redacted '##]

~~

Dear [Redacted],

I very much appreciate your contacting me. I welcome your concern and am writing to assure you that the College is taking immediate and thorough action in response to recent events on campus.

I believe that intolerance and incivility in any form are antithetical to the mission of this College and should be combated by each and every one of its campus members. To that end, Trinity has taken several steps to improve the climate of the campus. As a first step, hundreds of students, faculty, staff, and alumni attended an open forum on November 15 to discuss socially offensive and unacceptable behavior and to engage all of us in identifying and implementing solutions. In addition, the Conversations on Community program, already in progress, will continue, in which campus members are engaged in a series of facilitated discussions from different perspectives about what each of us can do to make our environment more welcoming and inclusive.

Specific incidents are currently being reviewed by the College's official judiciary process. In addition, the Dean of Students office is bringing together a group of students, faculty, and staff to make sure the institution is doing everything possible to respond appropriately and promptly to offensive incidents and to communicate clearly the process for reporting them. The Dean's office will review the College's policies on harassment and the response mechanisms for bias incidents and will communicate these protocols through the annual Orientation programs for incoming students, residence hall meetings, staff training, and print and online materials to clarify what kinds of behavior are offensive and where an offended party can turn to for help and recourse.

Board of Trustees Chairman Paul Raether has stated that "the Board is committed to a diverse student body as well as to a diverse group of faculty and administrators. We are also committed to creating an atmosphere on this campus which encourages civility and sensitivity. Bigotry in all of its forms has no place on our campus. While the Board has not met to discuss this issue, we are certainly prepared to form a joint task force of trustees, faculty, administrators, and students, as well as alumni and parents." The creation of this task force or charter committee will be on the agenda for the Board's December 2006 meeting.

I also want you to know that we will examine the campus climate from a number of perspectives at once: the curriculum, with the faculty, the orientation programs, policies and communications over disciplinary decisions, a common reading of a pertinent book by a living author, even perhaps a Liberal Arts Colloquium initiative. We will examine the whole by examining a number of its constituent parts

We want you to be proud of Trinity and to know that in dealing with specific incidents in a public manner, my goal is to raise awareness, to encourage conversation, and to impact the climate. Join us in this work; now is not the time to turn away. If you would like to be part of the task force, let Kathleen Boelhouwer '85 in the alumni office know, and she will contact you. Thank you for caring enough about Trinity to write to me. And, please help us spread the word among alumni that Trinity needs their input, their ideas, and their vote of confidence in order to continue our work in making this the best possible College for all of us.

Sincerely,
James F. Jones, Jr.
President and Trinity College
Professor in the Humanities


Earlier:
Trinity College's Assimilation Program Stronger Than Most [TAN]

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Ku Klux Kramer: The Saga Continues

Lukas Kaiser has made an amusing moshup/remix of Kramer's Racist Rant(™), and some clips from Seinfeld.



Found via Gawker, Complex

Also, here's a post with "Kramer's" apology on Letterman, which is fascinating in its own right, for the studio laughter, and his subsequent vehemence in trying to express ... I don't know what he was trying to express actually.

Kramer Is A Racist ... Remix [LukasKaiser]
Michael Richards Apologizes to Afro-Americans For Force-Field Of Hate
[Gawker]
Ku Klux Kramer [TAN]

DO NOT Touch My Girl!

If someone touches your lady, there's really no need to ask questions.



This guy is the stuff fairytales are made of ...

Monday, November 20, 2006

Ku Klux Kramer

TMZ has video of Michael Richards, better known as "Kramer" on Seinfeld, going on a racially-charged rant after two black people heckle him in a comedy club in LA.
The camera started rolling just as Richards began his attack, screaming at one of the men, "Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass." Richards continued, "You can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherf**ker. Throw his ass out. He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! A nigger, look, there's a nigger!"
The video is interesting as it's not just a totally manic rant, well it is, but he becomes self-consciously aware of the impending controversy, and eventually tries to appeal to the crowd, "They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a nigger."

When is a word that's just a word, not just a word? I can understand the confusion for white people. You loved Chappelle's Show. You see an offensive character like Borat become a box-office superstar. And you've got a guy like Damon Wayans trying to trademark the word. There is obviously a rising comfort level. And it's not just wacky entertainers like Kramer, teachers are letting it just roll off the tongue also. But it's best to just let it go, don't go there. It's not edgy coming from you. Maybe after we get a black president, we'll feel a little more secure in our position, and adjust some of the laws regarding "n-word" usage, but for now hold back. The double-standard remains in effect, ni**as can say it, crackas can't. Sorry.

Kramer's Racist Tirade [TMZ]
Trademarking Racism [TAN]
"Can You Loan A Ni**ah A Pencil?" [TAN]

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Ghetto Pass: Extracurricular

So this week's installment of Ghetto Pass is on The Corner Bodega.
"NY ain't the same, it's OT playa
you can go and cop coke from the corner bodega..."

- 50 Cent, Corner Bodega

On the surface you might think the Corner Bodega (Co-Bo) is just another wiki-able oasis of convenience. A sort of de facto ghetto 7-11. But, like the big rock in the forest, a look underneath reveals a self-sufficient ecosystem of subterranean life. Home of the 2 for $1 special, the Corner Bodega is the ghetto chamber of food and commerce for marginalized gentri-folk and ne'er-do-wells alike. Typically open through the wee hours, and stocked with all the bare essentials -- food, alcohol, horny-goat weed -- Corner Bodegas are not only a full service resource, but a genuine lifesaver.

more ...

Some interesting links were dug up in doing some Corner Bodega research:

This guy does some interesting Bodega based art [BodegArt]

I ended up cutting some bits about the Corner Bodega as a front for weed spots and numbers spots. Ultimately I had the 50 quote, and do think, as with the loosey cig, those bodegas are becoming extinct.

Apparently the Corner Bodega might be under siege. "The corner store vs. market reality" [The Real Deal]

I also cut bits about the gross lack of fresh food/produce at bodegas, but the Huffington Post has an interesting blog about a program to get more organic and healthy stock. "Foodies in 'da Hood"

Finally Ezra Klein explains "Why Immigrants Run Bodegas."

Ghetto Pass: The Corner Bodega
[Gawker]
Ghetto Chinese Spot Excess [TAN]

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Breaking: Trinity College's Assimilation Program Stronger Than Most

I can't say much on this. I believe these pictures say more than a million words about life at my alma mater *slowly shakes head in shame* Trinity College.

Otherwise, I guess all you need to know is, these pics are from Halloween '06. And the captions, when present, aren't mine, they come from the picture file names. I believe they're also uploaded on facebook.

I guess I could add that I never visited Trinity before I attended, but I suspect if I visited and this guy popped out the bushes holding a fake (hopefully?) army rifle I may have just stuck with my reach school, University of Phoenix.

Also, Trinity produces black folk like TAN, and white people like this guy. Slowly but surely getting a monopoly on churning out confused children. Go Bants! Get those admission apps ready!!


best friends .... despite the race difference

blackface

by far the best picture of the night




Friday, November 10, 2006

Aries Spears: Freestyle Chameleon

If you haven't seen yet, peep Aries Spears flexing skills on Live 105 Morning Show.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Ghetto Pass Excess

So I mentioned a new weekly feature I'm doing on Gawker, it's called Ghetto Pass. Basically TAN gives you a tour of the ghetto in the style of Frommer's. First installment is about the Ghetto Chinese Spot.
The Ghetto Chinese Spot (GCS) is a culinary institution that transcends race, cultures, and partisan politics. If you need cheap (Go Democrats!!), like your Chinese highly Americanized (Go Lucy Liu!!), or could go for a nap (Go 'Itis!!), this Shangri-la of trans fat is your target destination. Feed your family of five, and put them to bed all for $10 or less.
So look for that today, and every Thurs. going forward.

There's always excess with these things, so here was a section that I cut:

I mentioned the GCS transcends race. This means everyone is welcome, but it doesn’t mean everyone is treated the same. Here’s a handy greetings-demographic guide so you know what to expect:
  • White Male/Female: “Hello, how are you, may I take your order.”
  • Black Male/Female: “Hi.” *look of cautious consternation
  • Black male age 15-19: “We don’t want no trouble, you get food, but you no eat here!”
  • Asian Male/Female: Unintelligible language. Possibly Chinese.
Ghetto Pass [Gawker]
I'm Not Sure If Frommer's Has Actually Been To NYC
[TAN]

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

What The Frommer's?!!?

So I'm doing this little feature for Gawker soon (foreshadow), and for it I was checking out Frommer's NYC online to get a reference. And I start reading the first section in the introduction, Frommer's Favorite Experiences, and I felt compelled to post two of the more disputable entries here.

First, here's one I didn't have a problem with:

Visiting the Empire State Building Observatory at Dusk: Like the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, once again the tallest building in New York, is one of the city's definitive icons. Arrive at dusk and watch the lights of the city come on. It's pure magic.

WTF?!!? - Perhaps not edgy enough for for hardcore bloggers and blog-readers like you and me, but ok, fine, it's a guide book and I'll accept it.

But these two I have a problem with:


Taking the subway to Yankee Stadium for a Yankee game:
It doesn't sound very intriguing, does it? Good or bad, there's nothing like being crammed into a subway car packed with rabid Yankee fans. And it's an experience you'll not soon forget.

WTF?!!?: Ok, can I answer the first question please? What's that Fromm, you say it was rhetorical? Well, can I just say that I don't know the formula for measuring the "Intrigue Factor," but I know the coefficient for intrigue on taking the subway must be ZERO. So something like [(0)x + 0 = Subway Intrigue] seems appropriate. Second, I don't think there's any moral ambiguity when it comes to being "crammed" in a "subway" with "rabid Yankees fans" Even rabid yankee fans would deem this "hellish" at best. Imagine looking into a guide book and seeing, "good or bad, being raped and then eaten alive by a pack of wolves is an experience you'll not soon forget." Same thing basically. For those of you coming to NYC, the subway is not a spa.


Walking 125th Street: Take a walk across this famous Harlem boulevard and your senses will be assaulted from the music, the variety of stores, the restaurants, the impromptu stalls selling everything from homemade CDs to fresh bean pies, the street prophets and musicians; the energy on this street is relentless.

WTF?!!?: First of all, don't even try to act like we didn't see you unnecessarily slipping in the word "assaulted" into something about Harlem. That's class action right there. Ain't no one trying to be assaulted by music. And what the f is an "impromptu stall." Vendors or street vendors will do fine. Of course both of those pale in comparison to "street prophets." Like the n-word, some people can use a term like "street prophets" and not sound like a racist asshole. Nas comes to mind. But not you Frommie. Let's try and be evenhanded with this tourist info going forward. Thanks.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Audio Workshop: Best Friend's Wedding


MP3 File

some people gonna know just what I’m talking about
usually play the cool cat
one time I opened my mouth
yo, check the setting
my best friend’s wedding
she’s getting married
this guy named Larry
and yeah
that’s kind of lucky since I'm trying to rhyme
but I'm saying, this is all fact
for those checking the time
it’s 1:30
hmmm, think I'll drink early
a little Ketel-1
then a little bit of flirty
talking to some girlies
start feeling nervy
said “fcuk this wedding”
not sure anybody heard me
but I did
and I found it disturbing
anger. guilt. fear.
not quite sure of the wording
but I felt something
know it’s best to say nothing
but ...
i’m just fronting
unless I say something
what …
here she come walking
the organ is playing
priest started talking
next thing you know I was saying …

[Chorus]

there was silence
[]
then a wisecrack
“what the fuck was that”
said someone in the back
and I was like
“come on baby
let me talk to the lady
and maybe
we can have jokes later
okay b?”
I turned back and looked her dead in her eyes
she looked back without a hint of surprise
I smiled and said
you know I have the worst timing
you’re probably wondering why now,
and why the fcuk are you rhyming?
if you got something to say
you should just say it
that’s very true
so this last rhyme from me to you
as long as what I bleed
and the seas are blue
and whatever size the jeans
you gotta squeeze into
it’s a dream for two
i’ll flat-leave my crew
jump through hoops
and off the trampoline for you
platonic best friend
so what the fuck am I saying?
got a vodka tonic here that says I ain't even playing

[Chorus]

y'all probably need more story
want a big blaze of glory
n's get degrees, need a f'ing allegory
but when I'm rocking on the beat man
that plan is kind of boring
need some guns, titties, drugs
otherwise I'm snoring
let's get a little blood, make the scene a little gory
one shot to larry's head, dead before he hits the flooring
brains start pouring
crowd starts roaring
cause he's the motherf'ker dead, I'm the one touring...

(holla!)

TAN's Sauna-Like Audio Room

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Nocturnal Meanderings ...

It’s funny how much time is spent doing nothing. What’s the percentage on that, 30%, 40? No way, gotta be less. Well, depends on the meaning of nothing. Is shitting nothing? Or is shitting something? Sleeping? Thinking? Is there an absolute zero in life? I submit yes. And I bet the number is higher than we would guess.

~~

The most important murder would be the assassination of the question mark. The FUCKING QUESTION MARK. Oh, how I love the question mark. Oh, how I hate the question mark. The question mark builds on the period. You can see it visually, right? It came after the period. It is our first mistake. Original sin. So we correct it. Start anew. No more question marks. No more questions. Paradise ...

~~

At that very moment, Erin bangs on the door and barges in. I instinctively and simultaneously sit up, while reaching for things that need to be concealed. It's a muscle reflex I've had since I was a child, but there's nothing in front of me. So that's slightly annoying. Admittedly I'm a little more jumpy and secretive with Erin. She has a powerful brain, and if she knew everything there is to know about me I'm sure that —

“I need you to get me bags from the grocery store.” She pauses to evaluate my reaction. I look back at her stonefaced. “Like right now. Seriously, it’s important.”

"Ok."

"Here’s the money. Get however many you can get."

She leaves five dollars on the book shelf. The five dollar bill stretches over quite possibly the best stretch of four books in my entire library. Beyond Good & Evil, The Tipping Point, Fight Club, and Ego Trip's Big Book of Racism. And, I guess, it covers a little part of The Idiot also. Which makes it a quality stretch of five books in a row.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Morgan Freeman Deserves Some Ass Goddammit: A Petition in Three Parts

Part 1 - The Ashley Judd Paradox
A Photo Essay


Ashley Judd: By any measure a sexy lady.

Morgan Freeman: Old School sexy. Also, he'll bring the cognac and jazz records.

They've done a couple movies together. Marketing says their images are best positioned diagonally.

Ashley knows how to use her sex appeal. Also, she likes UK Hockey

Ashley does a movie with Hugh Jackman, she's excited. Who wouldn't be? Sexy never left.

Unibrowed women also get Ashley in the mood. This Judd is all about the sex.

Or maybe not. This is Ashley in a movie with Morgan Freeman.

Needless to say the body language is less than encouraging.

"Ok, I don't need the gun, but make sure that ni**a's wearing a harness."

What happened to the sexy Ashley?

What do you think about this Morgan?

This problem runs deep. I don't condone, Morgan, but I understand.


Part 2 - From Shawshank Redemption To No-Ass Detention
Morgan Muses On A Career Of Missed Opportunities ...
Related Posts with Thumbnails