The Funniest Site I've Seen In A While ...

http://www.niggaknow.com/
(spotted on Gawker)

N Double A See Who?

After ignoring invitations every year of his presidency until now, President Bush, the black people's champion, was able to take a reprieve from being the worst president ever, to address the annual NAACP convention. Here were some of the more insightful quotes from the first time caller, long time ignorer of WBLK:

"I understand that racism still lingers in America"

"And I understand that many African-Americans distrust my political party."

"For too long, my party wrote off the African-American vote, and many African-Americans wrote off the Republican Party."

"For nearly 200 years, our nation failed the test of extending the blessings of liberty to African-Americans. Slavery was legal for nearly 100 years, and discrimination legal in many places for nearly 100 years more."

"There is no greater joy than to state the obvious, to repeat for someone else that which is in front of both of you."

Maybe this guy's not so dumb after all ...

Bush acknowledges racism still exists [Yahoo]
(thanks copy)
(freakingnews.com for the pic)

Holy Pedophile-Mongering Batman!!!

I couldn't believe this story in the Daily News (found via Gawker):

Cute-as-a-button child star Dakota Fanning, who turned 12 in February, is venturing into sexually disturbing territory in a movie being filmed in North Carolina.

The screenplay for "Hounddog" - a dark story of abuse, violence and Elvis Presley adulation in the rural South, written and directed by Deborah Kampmeier - calls for Fanning's character to be raped in one explicit scene and to appear naked or clad only in "underpants" in several other horrifying moments.

more ...

Wow... I was going to make this a Cracka Crackdown!, but then I didn't want to get race-y. No quotes from Dakota, but her mother and agent think the role could net her an Oscar (presumably in addition to the head issues). Not surprisingly the movie is having trouble finding investors, but apparently the rape scene is already in the can. Which leaves me surprised it's not more than a gossip bit.

It'll be interesting to see how this resolves. If this film gets to theaters, let alone wins an oscar, that will be one helluva precedent. Apocalypse Nigh. Lock your doors. Hide your children.


Lloyd Grove's Lowdown [NY Daily News]
Gossip Roundup [Gawker]

Nothing Is Certain Except Death And Taxes

So I sent the JW Marriott anti hip-hop campaign to a handful of people, and looking at some of the comments and e-mails I've received, there seems to be a good faction of people shrugging their shoulders, and wondering why this campaign in particular needled me so much.

I don't know, maybe there's some muscle reflex there. I understand that it is ok to not always want hip hop around. But like Copyranter said in the comments, it's the visual/text combo that makes it sketchy. Plus "hip hop" for me is about the spirit of independence. Freedom, if you will. Like rock & roll, when it first hit the scene.

And I haven't seen any "rock without the roll" ads. Whatever.

Anyways, here's a link to a video someone sent in to me for a documentary called America: Freedom To Fascism. The promo vid runs a little long. And sometimes the anti-government propoganda is hard to digest without Michael Moore serving it to me like applesauce. But I think they're saying we don't have to pay taxes?? Correct me if I'm wrong.

America: Freedom To Fascism

(sent in by Viper at 7 and a Crescent, a name I havent heard since Digable Planets, he also has a bunch of old school R&B and hip-hop videos posted)

The Melting Pot ... Without The Melting

"Just White" Marriott Hotels has thrown the gauntlet down against hip hop. For Klansmen looking to get away, we have just the spot where you can live comfortably, naturally, and far away from "posturing" hippity-hoppity negroes.

Spotted by Copyranter. I left more of my comments on his post.

Here's the ad:



If they ran the ad with negroes I probably wouldn't get mad. But they didn't, soooo who's party crashing???

R&R - R&B = JW Marriott [Copyranter]
Why "Hip Hop" Needs To Rebrand [TAN]
Kill The White People [TAN]

They Say There's A Stock Market, But My GrandPappy Says If You Can't Touch It, You Can't F*ck It

Solid read here in the Washington Post, about negroes taking their money out the stock market.

The percentage of higher-income African Americans with stock investments is trending downward, from a high of 74 percent in 2002 to 64 percent this year. The proportion of higher-income whites with stock investments stands at 83 percent, virtually unchanged since the first year of the jointly sponsored survey, 1998.
More ...

You don't really learn about the market in school. At least I didn't, and I went to fancy-schmancy schools. I think it's more of a family thing. A lifestyle, like Entourage, but not as fun and sensational ... unless you're in the know. Only generations of influence could inspire people to read the Wall Street Journal of their own volition.

*shudder*

So, it would figure that higher-income African Americans are also newly higher-income African Americans. And perhaps they read the WSJ, but there's still a nagging in the back of the head, a lynched negro hanging from a tree telling them that anyday now an old white man is going to bust into their house and say, "HAHA! We got you ni**a!!! Suckers. Just colored suckers, all of you!! *pulls out three fruity lollipops for ironic effect* You fell for the old 'buy & hold' Melanin-Man. Sheeeit, that's the oldest caucasian-con in the book. You give us your money, and we'll hold it for ya. HAHAHA!!! Well back to poverty with you negro. Black Tuesday bitches. Dems the breaks. You read the fine print. 'Past history is no guarantee of future results.' Game over son. Yeah that's right, we're gonna continue to appropriate the cool slang from your culture too ... SON! All us caucasoids are gonna split up your money. Here's a 'Ken Lay Is Still Alive' t-shirt for your trouble."

And thus you get:

"Black investors have focused on real estate and have not incorporated the stock market to the same degree as their white counterparts," said Lisa Toppin, director of human resources and diversity programs for Schwab.

You can take my HD, but you can't take my home. Hard to argue with that logic. We can only hope time continues on and we learn that Ashton "Jim Crow" Kutcher is not going to Punk us for our savings/legacy.

Race Savings Gap [Washington Post]
(thanks hermes-press.com for the cartoon)

Spammer's Anonymous

Yo, spam is off the hook right now. They are penetrating every orifice, ... repeatedly. Hold the lube.

Gmail used to do a decent job. Not it appears the Gminchi Code has been cracked.

But I wonder about the people. Being a spammer is bad news right now. The only thing worse might be a pedophile. If Michael Jackson was a spammer instead of a children's-booty-toucher, I bet he'd be in jail right now. Even murder is a crime of passion, it has some grit and integrity to it. The word "spammers" has the same amount of letters as the words "devil worshippers." Ok, that's a lie. But what about the word "cowardice." Just take off the "e" for "ewww a spammer," and you're left with cowar-dic[k], or coward-ic[k] ... either way stay away.

I wonder if children who pray for their kids not to be drug dealers or end up in a coma would rephrase if they knew their child would end up a spammer instead.

There must be spammers among us, no? Riding in our subways, reading at our libraries, eating from our halal chicken-and-lamb vendors. Well no more white sauce and/or barbecue sauce for you spammer!! These days when I first meet people I look them square in the eye and word-for-word I always say, "hi, nice to meet you. unless you're a spammer. Are you a spammer?"

No one ever says yes.

I might, however, stop unsheathing my Hattori Hanzo sword when I pose the question ... I suspect some people are being less than honest.

Do you know any spammers? I bet you don't. Spammers don't come out the house. They don't have children. Or legs. They don't need sunlight. Or love.

What if the Uptown Leatherface was not attacking an innocent bystander, but an eternally damned spammer? Changes your perspective, no? Maybe the victim got a little full of himself and decided since it was three in the morning, he would share that he was a spam-artist (they don't like the term spammers). And then surprise surprise, Tareyton Williams, undoubtedly the owner of an e-mail account, went crazy, got a little bit of The Shining in him and decided that no mail and all spam makes the TW a power-sawing motherfcuker.

You never know.

Anyhoochie, this train of thought was triggered by the oddest spam message I've received in a while:

Subject: This is how I rob banks -- legally!

I 'm sorry, they got me with that one. *clickthrough*

Text: never thought it would be so easy. It's like robbing banks but you'll never go to jail!

links
links
links

So yeah, short story tall, I should be getting the manual in the mail in a couple weeks. I'll be sure to blog about it. It only cost me $500 and five UPC proof of purchase tags off of ... I don't know. [insert product here]

Maybe I'll send this post out to some companies, see if they want some product placement, to reach out to my depraved demographic.

Things That Would Make You "The Man" - #47

I once disagreed with Lindsay from Lindsayism (I also once told her "I'd like to lick her up and down" a la Silk (i swear was just joking L, trying to be that wacky TAN ...kinda-sorta. everyone enjoys Silk references, right?)) ... but I am in total agreement with her on the hot-like-fireness of this Bigfoot piano toy.

There's no question it's easier said than done, but if you were able to somehow work it out on a date so you end up playing Heart and Soul on one of these bad boys at the end of the night ... it's a wrap. GAME OVER. Just run those panties out on the laundry line so they can air out, the rest is in the bag.

Unless she thinks its gay/girly, in which case I recommend my bodyguard ...

(since we were speaking on manliness, maybe there's two kinds of girls, ones that would appreciate the Tom Hanks pimp-game, and, um, girls that are wack.)


Tom Hanks Shows You How To Be An Assimilated Pimp [you tube via Lindsay]
Manliness is a Mike's Hard Lemonade and Watching The Movie 'BIG' With A Girl Who Will Soon Meet 'The Young & The Restless' [TAN]

It's Better Than "Harry & The Hendersons"

I'm so excited!!!

I have a new nickname for my genitalia.

I am calling my balls The Young. And my TAN-tube The Restless. Together they are ....

~~~
The Young & The Restless
~~~

Hilarious!
Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

Genius!
Bill Gates, MICROSOFT

There's only one name for your genitalia this summer!
Talcum Badsmell, SPAHA OBSERVER

I thought it was kind of average myself!
Anonymous Bloupie, BLOUPIE WEAR DAILY

Finding That Manly Balance

Johnny Triangles had some interesting convo and links on the subject of manliness. I don't know how Maddox and his testament to testosterone never entered the conversation, but it still made me think about how manliness, for me, is a very yin-and-yang type of thing. There's a balance. I never get too far off the manliness trail, but I'm also never too firmly entrenched.

For example, I like girly drinks. Ketel 1 & Cranberry is my drink of choice. And it's primarily because cranberry tastes much better than vodka. I also prefer Mike's Hard line of beverages and Smirnoff Ices to Heineken, PBR, or Sam Adams.

But on the flip side, when I'm talking to a girl and she's disagreeing with me, I like to slap her real hard with the backside of my hand. Once if it's just a joke or something she didn't get. Twice if it's a serious matter.

So if that makes me some sort of girly-man metrosexual or something, so be it.

A Tap Is Faster Than A Swipe When Writing As Well

The MTA is launching a new program that allows riders at certain stations to tap their way into our beloved subway system, instead of swiping.

When I first saw this program, I thought it was something where you'd have a sensor in your pocket, and it could be read anywhere, i.e. you didn't have to do anything, just walk through like EZ-Pass, or a metal detector. But now that I know they're counting on the difference between a tap of a card and the swipe of a card to reduce commute time, well shoot, I might just go ahead and take a second shower before work. Maybe catch a movie. Start a blog. The possibilities are endless.

And certainly if you were trying to escape the New York version of Leatherface in The Subway Power-Saw Massacre, you would be quite appreciative of those precious additional nano-seconds.

I happen to use Citibank and the 4,5,6 line, which are current requirements for smartcard use, so I should get to try this out soon and figure out exactly how much time we'll be saving. Both Citibank and the MTA are renowned for their cost-effective efficiency, so I'll probably bring an egg-timer or build a sundial (yes, underground) to measure the difference.

Faster Than A Tapping Smart Card [NY1]
'Leatherface Light' Terrorizes Subway Riders [TAN]

UPDATE:
I thought the program was one where you buy a special card, one that you tap instead of swipe, and thus my tongue-in-cheekery above. Now having been out and seen the system, it is speedier, essentially it allows you to use your debit or credit card right at the turnstile. So speed is definitely a plus, security on the other hand is another question ... except for me.

So, How Do You Like Your Racism???

I like mine big, bold, and in your face. Like this:




I think right around the time the movie Crash was out, racism was cold. Kind of like heterosexuality during the Brokeback Fever days. Crash needed better racism, Chappelle's Show was in production purgatory, Carlos Mencia sucks ... there were very few outlets for some good hot-ass racism. But this picture/ad, and the return of Chappelle's Show gives hope that racism is back. It is en vogue. Thank heavens. I thought I was never going to feel comfortable wearing my vintage distressed designer Jim Crow Jeans again.

That said, I don't think Al, Jesse, Spike, and the rest of the Race Regulators are going to likey. I'd bet my seersucker shorts that the Ku Klux Ad-company responsible is going to feel some heat over this. And I'm definitely surprised Sony is going with it. Must be because they, like me, feel these young hipsters are from the "racism is dead" generation. It might very well be impossible to offend minorities under a certain age with race rigamarole, but they do still have to answer to the old-fogies who will surely have a problem with the platinum blonde amazon from Caucasia manhandling Tracy Chapman.

UPDATE:
bits&bytes has the full series of pics. There is one where amazon-women dominates, another where Chapman is winning, and another where the dominant position is more ambiguous. He also has a link to Sony response to the hubbub the campaign has caused.

Contemporary Mugging Tactics 101

They say mice get smarter, and therefore, if you want to catch them, you have to build a better mousetrap. It's natural evolution.

And with people being so well informed on how to avoid and defend themselves against being mugged, it stands to reason that eventually muggers would find a better "mug-trap," if you will. Knives, guns, and saying, "give me your money, or the goat gets it" in a low raspy menacing voice just doesn't cut it like it used to.

Enter the hand-held power saw ... for when you absolutely positively must have the person's wallet, keys, and any other belongings.

And if you don't believe me, ask Michael Steinberg who was attacked, on the subway, by a man with TWO power saws. He did not crack wise. He did not try to negotiate.

The Evolution of Mugging [BBC News]
How Do You Assist Against the Power Saw Attack? [NY1]

Kill The White People

In honor of independence day, we hand it off to the legendary Eddie Murphy for the always appropriate anthem, "Kill The White People."



Ahhhh, they just don't make 'em like they used to.

(hit me up if you want the mp3 for your ipizzy. It's such a versatile song, works for all occasions.)

I Ain't Saying We Got Beef Ni**a, But I'm a Punch You In The Teeth Ni**a

Apparently egos are colliding with Kanyeeze and Ray, errr Jamie Foxxx (how many x's again?). It's hard to say who definitively has the bigger head, but at the BET awards, Jamie Foxx apparently went kindergarten on Kanye as they accepted their award. Foxx was making faces, and then held up a fan behind Kanye's head. When asked why he held up a fan behind Kanye West, Jamie responded, "someone had to cool that n***a off."

Clearly Kanye, as any rapper would, will take some shots at Foxx in an upcoming song, if not make a whole diss record dedicated to the issue. But what will Foxx do? How do actors make the beef happen? Does he take a role that spoofs Kanye? Maybe he alters some dialogue in a movie? Or maybe he'll make the first R&B diss song.

From the sound of it, I think we're going to find out, cause this ain't going away. NO ONE holds up a fan to Kanyeeze's head and gets away with it.

My shades are bigger. NO, MY shades are bigger ... ni**a [Media Take Out]