Monday, February 06, 2006

Special Report: Canine Crime On The Rise

TAN had the short week last week, and is also still recovering a little from the Superbowl weekend. He should be back in full gear by tomorrow, Black History Month specials are on the docket. In the meantime, in between time, we received a special report over the transom from freelance journalist Janet Eartothestreets (yeah, we wonder if that's her real name as well). We found the premise of her report intriguing, so without further delay, here she is ...

Canine Crime Is On The Rise
By Janet Eartothestreets

Am I the only one who notices that our "friendly" pal Spot has been in the news a lot recently?

While folks babbled on about meaningless Super Bowl hype, there were puppies crossing borders with heroin-filled condoms in their adorable bellies.

Then there was the Pet Strangler? Apparently dogs are using scarves to murder our children in our own back yards.

And of course the notorious case of the lady who required a new brand of transplant -- they are eating our faces.

Our favorite pet is crossing the line.

What has brought on this beastie behavior in our furry friends-turned-fiends? Could it be the innocuous dog walker whispering plots in Rover's ear? Are they getting too spoiled? Perhaps these violent acts are manifestations of resentment over a cancelled appointment at the Dog Spa this week? Maybe that Burberry sweater Prince received for Christmas has a urine stain?

Maybe the old in-and-out at the dog park is no longer fulfilling?

Is it simple boredom?

Lack of exercise? Too many snausages, beggin strips, and American cheese?

Being neutered? The leash? Rebellion from the popularity of the dog whisperer?

Or is something more sinister at work? Could this be revenge from other nations?

It started out small time, a little littering of the streets with fecal matter. But now its drug trafficking, murder, disfigurement; is our biggest enemy right here at home sleeping on that fluffy pillow Aunt Emma knitted with care, waking us up with a wet nose,-demanding breakfast and walks? You heard about this disturbing trend here first. When you hear the howls and barks taking over, and a pack of rabid schnauzers charging down city streets brandishing swastikas, consider it a take over. "Schnauzers UNITE!"

What will happen if this dog crime wave takes root-- will the tables turn? Will Fido run for President and win?

He can commit crimes freely. We let him get away with murder and find him a new family of victims to enact hell upon. What is next? The bottom line is if you're cute can you get away with anything.

The puppies are now living with a rich family on Fifth Avenue with dog doors emptying on to Central Park. The strangler was sent to a cushy ranch in Montana. And the face eater gorges on treats in Tahiti, hunting for people asleep in the sand.

Like abused spouses, Americans are asleep. Dogs are taking over and they have got us wrapped around their toe pads, we do their bidding for them, while they chew on toys in the living room. They are kicking ass and taking names, while we sit idly by encouraging them with baby talk and canine massage.

In another disturbing coincidence Hamas was the name of my French poodle when I was a child. Man's best friend. This is what we call the dog. More like destroyer of social, cultural, and moral institutions.

And what does the dog do after a day of selling crack to the neighborhood? He comes right back home and lies in our lap and gazes at us for ten minutes until we are back under his spell. It's hypnotism, folks. Darwinism at its finest. The cutest will inherit the earth


  1. You badly need to see "Cats and Dogs". It reveals the truth about the cat menace; its the cats, led by the evil Mr Tinkles, who are trying to take over the world, and the dogs are the ones defending humanity against them, despite the fact, as one dog claims, humanity is so deeply flawed we can't take responsibility for our own farts.
    See it and know the truth.
    That is all.

  2. Anonymous2/06/2006

    Cats and Dogs is like the Triumph of the Will by Leni Riefenstahl-- pure propaganda. You have been duped Claire!

  3. Anonymous2/06/2006

    hmmm, there does seem to be something here we should pay attention to. luckily I have no pets. maybe we should turn to goldfish?


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