Friday, December 23, 2005

From Blog-Commenter To Blog-Friend

I wrote an earlier post about the troubles that can arise when someone looks to cross the "friendship threshold" too quickly. And as I've been doing a fair amount of meeting people who I only know through this blog, I thought it might be helpful to make a little questionnaire that helps transition people from "commenter" to "friend". Some questions are multiple choice, some are open-ended.


How did you happen upon the The Assimilated Negro blog?

A. I tripped over a tiger and landed on the ground in front of a laptop. When I opened the browser TAN was the home page.
B. I heard some hot female [cheerleaders, librarians, writers, teachers, physicists, dancers, rappers, busdrivers ...] talking about it. They said it was great.
C. My teacher assigned it for homework. They said reading your October archives is enough to get a degree from most liberal arts colleges.
D. Whoah! Assimilated who ?!!? Negro what??!!? I am definitely in the wrong place.


What is it that appealed to you about the TAN blog?

A. The refreshing voice
B. The range of content
C.
I like watching negroes try to rationalize the institutionalized slavery we have going on.
D.
The socks and strap-on sandals look.


Before commenting on TAN’s blog, when’s the last time you “talked” with a black person?

A. the past 24 hours
B. the past 7 days
C. the past 6 months
D. Only negro I talk to is my trusty i-Nig


If TAN were to be underwhelming in person, how would you react?

A.
Kill myself
B.
Kill TAN
C.
Stab myself in the neck


If TAN were to be all you dreamed he would be, how would you react?

A. Kill myself
B. Kill TAN
C. Stab myself in the neck
D. Do a penis hand-stand


Do you just want TAN to comment on your blog?

Do you just want TAN to make a song about your site?

Do you have other friends?

A. Yes
B. No
C. Craigslist?

What do your other friends complain about the most with regards to your personality?

A. Obnoxious aggressive
B. Passive pansy
C. No personality
D. No friends

Do you pass gas more in front of strangers or friends?

What would people be more likely to say after you pass gas:

A. “that's fairly discreet and innocuous”
B. “that's fairly ostentatious and smelly”
C. "That fairly - DAAAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNN!! I've got to go."

(guys)
How often do you make awkward comments that somehow intimate that there may be something more than a regular male-male friendship here?

A. Too much
B. Never

(girls)
How often do you make desirable comments that somehow intimate that there may be something more than a regular male-female friendship here?

A.
Never too much
B.
Sometimes

(guys)
What percentage of time do you spend talking about sports, women, and other appropriately testosteroned subjects versus serious heart-to-heart conversations?

(girls)
What percentage of time do you spend talking about sex?

(guys)
After incidental physical contact (i.e. hands touching, or elbow grazing your chest), what is most likely to happen:

A. you seque into your favorite scene from Queer As Folk
B. you order two tickets for Brokeback Mountain
C. nothing really, but you might not look me in the eye for an hour
D. you leave the country


(girls)
After incidental physical contact (i.e. hands touching, or elbow grazing your boobs), what is most likely to happen:

A. you segue into your best Sylvia Saint routine
B. you confess your undying love for me (and my blog)
C. nothing really, but you might stare at me coldly for an hour
D. you leave the country


Your Annual Income:

A. $20K or below
B. $21 – $50K
C. $51 – $99
D. $100K or more – (Automatic Friendship, E me immediately!!)


how comfy is the couch or second bed in your house or apartment?

How important are gifts on the holidays?

How many voice mail messages are usually needed until you call someone back?

A. 1
B. 2-3
C. 4-6
D. Don't call me, I'll call you


If you say you’re running "a little" late, how late are you really?

A. 5 min
B. 20 min
C. over 30 minutes
D. not showing up


This is it for now. If you have some other good ideas for questions, leave them in the comments.

Thanks. And good luck in your transition from Commenter to Friend.

13 comments:

  1. I really only want you to comment on my blog.
    Maybe once a day.
    Or four times a week.
    either one.
    you pick.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I found you through Maine, who gave you an excellenet recommendation. After reading two posts I blogrolled you so I wouldn't forget to come back (I tend to drink when I blog).

    Humor is the biggest appeal.

    I've talked with a black person Within the last 7 days... but I just called a buddy of mine so I could say "today."

    Whether you over- or underwhelmed me in person, I doubt if I would feel murderous or suicidal. What if I was just whelmed?

    Of course, I love it when you comment on my blog. If you wrote a song about it I would consider it a huge honor.

    Yes I have friends, and they have no complaints. Everyone believes me to be generous, honest, and hilarious. Suckers!

    I'm more likely to pass gas in front of strangers, especially rude people. Hi rude sales chick, I'm going to let your attitude slide, but for the next 30 seconds, enjoy the smell of my ass!

    Sex? 30%, maybe. Probably less, I have three kids. 2% during the day and 80% after nine o'clock.

    After incidental touching I'd the girl of your dreams. I'd simultaneously stroke your hair and your ego. If you met me, the only thing keeping you from bending me over the kitchen table would be your respect for Jake.

    Income? Are you offering to do my taxes?

    There are several places comfy places to crash at my house. 360 thread count sheets, crisp and clean. And if you want to eat popcorn in bed and fall asleep watching ESPN highlights or porn, be my guest!

    I try to call back after one message. Anyone who leaves two is impatient.

    If I'm running late, I mean 5 minutes. If it's more, I'll tell you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I laughed twice on the one about income: automatic friendship if commenter makes over $100K a year, and the fact that you don't stipulate male or female. Now that's funny.

    ReplyDelete
  4. B - the HCJA
    C and D
    A - everyday (I teach them and live next door to them)
    B
    D
    A
    A
    B - except my students don't understand words with more than two syllables
    (girls) B
    (girls) lately - I talk about sex all the time...cause I am not getting any
    (gilrs) B
    B - but I am a teacher so I JUST make the "B" cutoff...

    couch - getting bad, loveseat - great, third bed - uncomfortable tiny pullout, second bed - good, my bed - awesome, warm, snuggly, nice sheets...

    gifts are important but I'd rather get a handmade one than store bought, unless you plan on jewelry...can't go wrong with that!
    A - more interesting is the number of voicemail messages I will leave you (you being any boy who pays me attention) because I start to stalk you...
    A - but I am always running late 5-10 minutes and I never tell you...you just learn that after like 5 times of me doing it.

    so do I make the cut?

    ReplyDelete
  5. LOL, what a hilarious questionnaire!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I emailed my response to you, because it was all too difficult to coordinate the comments thing.
    I'm on holiday, and anything that involves more than refilling my wineglass or changing the dvd has been relegated to the "too difficult" box.

    ReplyDelete
  7. assimilated negro, my friend, how are you doin? long time no talk, a? you might remember me by my shit talkin of nyc in all of its columbians, puerto ricans, as well as jamaicans.

    this entry is sort of the reason why i was commentin to ya. ya see, i need to pick up a shit-ay ass '52 rambler from long island. but since i was gonna be in the nyc area, why not explore the place? more importantly, stay somewhere a night. thus why i'm contactin you. help a brother out and can you give me and a friend of mine a place to stay for a night in the south bronx? we may not be black, but they'll get you that much closer to claimin that you assimilated.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dude...your hella crazy....Do you have other friends???
    Do e-friends count...then yes....

    ReplyDelete
  9. I need your help on something, I am bad on the punchline, but I am working on a post to reflect an experience. Can I ask your opinion on something? Can you email me at feistyred@gmail.com? It will be worth your while when you hear the story, you might like it.

    ReplyDelete
  10. How did you happen upon the The Assimilated Negro blog?

    A. I tripped over a tiger and landed on the ground in front of a laptop. When I opened the browser TAN was the home page.

    What is it that appealed to you about the TAN blog?

    A. The refreshing voice

    Before commenting on TAN’s blog, when’s the last time you “talked” with a black person?

    B. the past 7 days

    If TAN were to be underwhelming in person, how would you react?

    D. Run around in circles while screaming

    If TAN were to be all you dreamed he would be, how would you react?

    D. Do a penis hand-stand (if i had a penis)

    Do you just want TAN to comment on your blog?

    DOn't you already?

    Do you just want TAN to make a song about your site?

    Not required but you can if you feel so inclined

    Do you have other friends?

    A. Yes

    What do your other friends complain about the most with regards to your personality?

    A. Obnoxious aggressive

    Do you pass gas more in front of strangers or friends?

    Neither

    What would people be more likely to say after you pass gas:

    A. “that's fairly discreet and innocuous”

    (girls)
    How often do you make desirable comments that somehow intimate that there may be something more than a regular male-female friendship here?

    A. Never too much

    (girls)
    What percentage of time do you spend talking about sex?

    talking? about 7%


    (girls)
    After incidental physical contact (i.e. hands touching, or elbow grazing your boobs), what is most likely to happen:

    C. nothing really, but you might stare at me coldly for an hour


    how comfy is the couch or second bed in your house or apartment?

    very

    How important are gifts on the holidays?

    very

    How many voice mail messages are usually needed until you call someone back?

    B. 2-3

    If you say you’re running "a little" late, how late are you really?

    B. 20 min

    ReplyDelete
  11. I found your site through Maine and read through your posts the same day with a big grin on my face. and damn! you're highly intelligent too. I bookmarked you on the spot. when the cold meds wear off, ill answer the other questions. i'm highly buzzed right now. i wish it was from tequila but it's not.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm not answering your quiz. I already know you like me.

    Personally, I could use more incidental physical contact with someone other than my sweet husband...

    ReplyDelete
  13. I read you b/c I like your humor and feel like if we ever met in person that you'd turn out to be someone I already know.

    ReplyDelete

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