Friday, October 07, 2005

Need A Nanny??? TAN Provides Excellent Nanny Service

I’ve seen a lot of moms in the crowd here at The Assimilated Negro. Crazy moms. And I wanted to let those moms know that The Assimilated Negro offers a top of the line Nanny service. If you ever saw the show SuperNanny, you know the type of service we provide.

I recently performed a rehabilitation with the Hendersons family. They were an extreme case, and can demonstrate exactly how effective my service can be:


When I first got to the Hendersons I just stayed in the background for a while. Surveying the actions of the family, so I could see what the problems were. There were a number of serious issues. Here were the notes I took during the initial two days of observation:

- If the doorbell rings, and one of the children answer, when the mom asks,“who is it?” the kids usually say, “shut the fuck up mom, I got it.”

- If the children don’t like the breakfast that was prepared they usually spit it back up on the floor, or on the parents. The older ones then ask for money “to get something decent to eat” and leave. Sometimes with the parent’s car.

- None of the children have licenses, the oldest is 14.

- At least three days a week the children tell the mother they’re not going to school, and they plan to play “Death Rape 3 – New Mexico” all day.

- Throwing things around the house, baseballs, basketballs, jai alai balls, the father’s balls …occurs with regular frequency

- Painting the walls occurs with regular frequency

- Masturbating in public occurs with regular frequency

- There is not a piece of furniture that hasn’t been peed on

- The pets are placed in the oven with regular frequency

- When it’s time for bed, the children scatter and bust all the lightbulbs in the house. They then put on night-vision goggles and set up tripwires and booby traps that torture the parents most of the night. Until everyone falls asleep from exhaustion.

After watching this mayhem for two days, at one point the parents broke down in tears, and it was at this juncture I began to intervene.

I told them, if you don’t command authority, they will never respect you.”

One of the children was standing near me with a smirk on his face, chortling. I asked him if he knew what "chortling" meant and he told me, “shut the fuck up. You ain’t super nanny. You just negro nanny. We eat those for breakfast punk.”

I looked bemused while handing a tissue to the parents so they could wipe away their tears. I tell the parents, “watch this”

I then grab the child by his ankles, swiftly, so that his head hits the non-carpeted floor with concussive impact. When he grabs his head in pain, I (still holding him by the ankles) spin him around once and fling him head first into the wall. He crumples to the ground in a sniveling heap.

The parents look concerned, but also a little relieved at the sudden quiet throughout the house.

I told them, “this is how we’re going to issue time-outs going forward.”

I spent a few more days with the Hendersons to really set the tone. Some of the techniques I used are noted below:

- when kids talk back, always respond with closefisted punches to the face. If the infraction is minor, a back-hand slap can suffice. It’s key to punch/slap them while they’re still talking. Don’t let them finish explaining themselves.

- Use tranquilizer needles without discretion. Administering the shots to the neck adds an extra psychological effect to the sedation. Keep kits with needles and serum in every room in the house.

- If you smoke, put your cigarettes out on their eyelids ... or genitalia. Urge them to not pick up smoking

- When bad, after they’ve apologized and you’ve said, “ok, I forgive you, just don’t do it again.” Offer them a milkshake to get over it. Then pour a little milk in the blender, and a teaspoon of ice-cream. Then add as much okra, cauliflower, and brussel sprouts as you can. Combine it all in a blender. If they try to run away tell them, “each and every one of those tall frothy shakes better be in someone’s belly within five minutes.” If they throw up, just refill the glass and start over. Keep two huge sacks of vegetables around so they know that you have plenty in reserve.

- If you tell them to take out the trash, and they ask for five more minutes to finish a game. Smash the console with a mallet while they’re playing. Tell them, “when I say take out the trash, I mean now!!

- Feel free to add crossbows and bullwhips to your discipline chamber

By the time I left the Hendersons the children were cowering in fear, and the parents were delighted, relieved, and most of all … relaxed. I told them “at this point, all you have to do is remain focused and consistent. Think of it as a new lifestyle. Consistent discipline breeds respect … and a happy home.

So you agitated mothers out there, if you need some peace and quiet in your life, don’t hesitate to grab that carrier pigeon and contact the assimilated negro.

Holla!

15 comments:

  1. HOLLA!

    ROFLMAO--I think I took that discipline course in night school....hehehehe

    ReplyDelete
  2. God strategy....but face it...you swiped the play book...I've been using it for years....but I've got a roll to the head....like it spins around, splits open and I spew pea-soup as I cackle and chortle(and sometimes snort) "..and your little dog, too!). Then there's the bravado wave of the finger and "Oh, no you don't Miss Thing!" ROFL

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  3. That's pretty much how I do it... but you forgot whipping kids with wooden spoons. Hell yeah my kids are in order! I might need your help with the two year old though. That little badass will take a beating, come give me a kiss, and then do something else that makes drag my happy ass from my happy couch. He's TWO! If he hasn't learned to raise himself by now, I might have to investigate the ritalin option. To the neck right?

    I hate smart curious kids who want me to parent them! I'm grown! I do what I want! And I sure as hell don't answer to people shorter than me.

    That's the only reason I work out. Health? fuck it - we're all dying! I just want to kick ass until then!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wooden spoons - good. Piping hot metal spoons - better.


    You, however, probably just need to have the kids read that post about your nasty habits. Maybe give them a couple toenail lollipops.

    *shudder*

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm laughing so hard I think I just peed myself.

    visiting from michele's this morning.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wasnt there a movie titled "Harry and the Hendersons"? Were you that guy in the hairy suit? Id like to try the spoon thing on John Lithgow..just once. make him squeal like the girl he is.
    You didnt mention the belt..one with a big rodeo style buckle.
    Then again, penis rings have always worked well ... one with big spikes.
    Excellent story!

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  7. Geez...I think poor Raychel needs the ritalin in the neck. ROFL

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  8. Hey, I'm one of those crazy mom's you were referring to...not crazy in that funny sexy way. Crazy in that boring paranoid housewife way...LOVE YOUR POST! Laughed out loud frequently and will be back for sure.

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  9. your blog whole blog is disturbingly funny (your a very sick man). thanks for making blurfing a more enjoyable experience

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  10. “this is how we’re going to issue time-outs going forward.”

    Love it.

    ReplyDelete
  11. kathie, moo, kurt, dena - thanks. do come again.

    Yes, that was me in Harry and the Hendersons. I've since lost some weight, shaved, and become a negrosexual ....

    whatever that is.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Damn good content. Two things to add: Get Haloscan comments with the trackbacks. You have much traffic coming. And get a counter. Great stuff, TAN.

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  13. Anonymous10/10/2005

    "two dogs"??? wasnt..or isnt that an old joke? One about how the indian child was named?

    ReplyDelete
  14. twodogs - "if I could I would, but I don't know how ..."

    Phish quoting negro??

    holla!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. *wiping tears*

    TAN? Baby I think I love you.

    ReplyDelete

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