Tuesday, January 31, 2006

TAN Seeks His Coretta Scott King

So just did another bit for Gawker, in tribute to Coretta Scott King.

Remembering Mrs. King


One little addendum/joke that didn't make the cut:

"I have a dream that my personal Coretta Scott King will put up very little resistance to my overcome-overtures. Note this little anecdote about Martin Luther King wooing Coretta:

She recalled that on their first date he told her: "You know, you have everything I ever wanted in a woman. We ought to get married someday." Eighteen months later - June 18, 1953 - they did, at her parents' home in Marion, Ala.

punchline #1 (for the older, more conservative set) - apparently Martin saved the inspiring rhetoric for his speeches.

punchline #2 - (for the brash younger contingent) - ahhh, black women were so easy in the 50s. That "you're everything I ever wanted" game don't work in the 2K6 "

And with that obnoxiousness out of the way, I remind you we're accepting all applications regardless of race and/or creed. Submit via the comment box, or e-mail theassimilatednegro AT gmizzy DOT com.

Related:
No need to assassinate me, I'll kill myself for fame
[TAN]
No need to assassinate me, I'll kill myself for a byline [Gawker/TAN]
I have a dream [TAN]
TAN celebrates Rosa Parks Day [TAN]
jesus, do you have links to anything other than TAN [Google]
Who died? A black person?? Hmmm, better call TAN [decentcontent]

Monday, January 30, 2006

ESPN Super Bowl Spoof

I've always thought about doing some ESPN satire. But these guys nailed it. There's hilarity everywhere you look ...

SPN : All The Latest In Sports -- So Your Friends Won't Think You're Queer


Sunday, January 29, 2006

Professional Shite Mailer

Someone commented that maybe I live under a rock since I wasn't up on some of the vagaries of the online porn world today.

I didn't think that was the case, but if a lot of people know about and use this Fecalgram service then maybe I am, cause I damn sure didn't know about this either.

Send turds to your friends or enemies for $25.


What a world.


Related:
My shit don't stink [TAN]
My perspective evolves learning there's professionally delivered shit [TAN]

Friday, January 27, 2006

College Humor Pimping TAN-Penis Prompts "Love" To Pose Nude (And Other Stuff)

My letter to an average-sized penis is up on college humor.

The premise was a "random" black guy to "his" penis, so it's a little unfortunate "my" pic is up for association purposes. Oh well, any press is good press, right?

On the positive side , it seems TAN and his "supposed" penis is on the minds of a lot of ladies.

For one, it seems Jennifer Love Hewitt read my letter and promptly decided to pose nude in Playboy. I think.

For two, an object of my hip hop affections is finding it [hard] to focus on her work because of ... well because of me.

For three, Lusty Lady tackles the issue of size in her column for the Village Voice, referencing TAN.

I can only hope this particular "story" goes national. This is the sort of foundation one can build a [long] [rock-solid] career on.

If I Wanted To Have Sex Don't You Think I'd Stay Awake??

So behind the scenes right now, I'm trying to do a serious bit on the state of the porn industry. I suspect women don't really know what's going on there. Because if women did really know I think more of them would be fleeing the country and looking to start their own island somewhere, far away from the ridiculously depraved minds of men and sub-men.

This picture is from a site called, sleep and f*ck. Sleep and what? Yeah, you heard me, sleep and f*ck. You ladies were probably thinking, "[man], it's tough out there. guys are demanding. They'll film sex with anything, in any room, using any object, to fill any hole. But at least, when it's all over, I can still close my eyes and get a couple zzz's before waking up for more abuse and oppression.

Of course, little do you know, the twelve year old "playa" featured in the picture is leering over you waiting for indications that you've entered the deep REM stage of sleep. See in REM sleep you might not even notice the ninety seconds where's he's slipping you the ol' in-and-out burger. Junior size, value meal edition.

I found this image in a google search. And thought it was funny. But then checking out the site just now I read this copy:
A great collection of dirty images and videos! Young beauties are put to sleep by all means! They’ve become too hot and sexy not to get fucked the dirty way! Time for them to taste some dirt! They won’t like it, that’s why they don’t have to remember it either! Just go to sleep and we’ll have some fun with you!
Yikes!! Now if that's not encouraging a "borderline rape situation" I don't know what is.

Funny thing is I anticipate girls seeing this, and saying, "yeah, that's messed up, thanks for exposing this TAN." And guys will say, "hmmm something a little different, I'll check that out ... thanks for showing us this TAN."

Carry that thing between your legs around at your own risk ladies.

Related: Rape Is In The Air
"Sleep And What?" With The Help [This Is What We Do Now]
"Sleep And What?" With Your Own Daughter [ny1.com]

Blog Improv: For Anonymous (aborted)

In the comments for my blink don't wink campaign, an enthusiastic TAN fan couldn't wait for the next post and asked if she (I assume all anons are female) could call out topics that I would subsequently respond to, thereby creating a sort of "blog improv." I said sure. And she threw out "immigration," "stroganoff," and "truth."

Unfortunately I don't have the time (really it's the money) to follow through with this as I would like. But just an intro teaser of what could have been ...
TAN once had a love. She was a foreign girl. On the run from immigration. TAN knew the love would not endure. She would be caught and deported. And his heart, indeed his ability to even feel emotions at all would be deported along with her. He could have nipped this relationship in the bud. Spared himself the heartache. But she was beautiful. And she cooked a mean stroganoff. The most compelling thing of all, however, was she spoke the truth. She always spoke the truth. She couldn’t help it. Even when the truth might cost her life...

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

The Blink Don't Wink™ Campaign

Blink. Don’t Wink.

That the name of the game.

That’s the only way we’re going to make this world a better place.

Blink. Don’t Wink.

There is no situation where a wink is appropriate. There’s no biological, or physiological, or any-ological pedigree that supports a need for a human being to wink.

You have to shit. You have to eat. You have to breathe. If you’re attractive and intelligent you have to have sex. You have to drink. You have to blink.

You never have to wink. That is all in your head. There is no scenario that demands that sly sense of cool. That gesture that somehow conveys some sick sense of intimate knowledge. No one knows anyone in that way.

Winking is a crime. It’s harassment.

If you wink, drop it from the repertoire. Today. Do it now. Do it for the kids. Do it for Africa. Do it for yourself.

There’s never a reason to close just one eye. Either you blink to refresh the fluids, or you go to sleep. There’s never a reason to treat one eye better than the other.

Okay, you can “wink” if you’re using a microscope. Or a telescope. Or any single-lens viewing apparatus. But that’s it. And the other eye must open as soon as the apparatus is removed. It’s advised you begin opening the closed eye before you’re actually done using the device. There really should be no winking.

An old man winking is the most vile and disgusting thing in the known and unknown universe.

I looked up “teach me how to wink” on Google and found twenty sites that need to be destroyed immediately.

If you see one winker, there are bound to be hundreds more behind the walls.

I guess maybe on occasion a woman can be allowed to wink. Because women are hot. But anything that happens to a winking woman after the wink is her own fault, you can definitely say, “she asked for it.”

Actually, anything that happens to anyone after a wink is fairly understandable. Murder, rape, a syringe filled with acid and the hiv vaccine plunged into your neck. I don’t condone, but I understand.

The best wink is no wink at all. Even if you’re the most gifted charmer in the world and you somehow pull it off, you’re still not ahead in the game. You’re only fighting your own progress. There are no winners in winking.

Our president is a winker.
Like his father before him.

*shudder*

Need I say anymore???

Please. Join me. Let's stop it now. Let's rid our planet of this plague forever.

Blink. Don't Wink.™

If someone winks at you today. Kill them. It's legal. It's self-defense.

Blink. Don't Wink.™

Only we can change this world for the better. If you're with me please share your story/thoughts/ideas-for-change in the comment box.

Thank You

Blink. Don't Wink.™

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Meta Emoticons And Their Meta Meanings

So in response to Chelsea's post, and this exchange I thought it would be wise to offer up some alternative smiley/emoticons. Cause there's clearly some sort of problem, and I suspect it might be that our current emoticons don't convey enough depth to our thought process. Since I've been studying hipsters and their meta-ways, I figured I'd throw out some "Meta Emoticons" that might help deepen your IM and E-mail exchanges.


:-d?
Dude, this indicates I’m only emoticoning to acknowledge your attempt at humor, and I don’t know why.

:-d
Dude, this indicates I’m only emoticoning to acknowledge your attempt at humor.

:-/
Dude, the slash represents the ambivalence I feel about expressing an emotion at all. I don’t know whether to smile and encourage or display my true lack of enthusiasm over your recent comments.

:-/?
Dude, the slash represents the ambivalence I feel about expressing an emotion at all. I don’t know whether to smile and encourage or display my true lack of enthusiasm over your recent comments, and I don’t know why.

???
Why ask why, you can only ask why.

?????
Why ask why, you can only ask why, why?

;-c
Can you believe that not only do I use emoticons, but I still use the wink. People shouldn’t wink in real life, let alone in internet life. UPDATE: Also doesn't it look like I have a fu-manchu or something?

!!?…
Shit!, Fuck!, Really?, tell me more ...

:-~
That wasn’t the real me saying that, it was the idealized version of me that I project as my IM/E-mail consciousness/sensibility/persona.


Related:
New Emoticons For Messaging Friends From Work [Michelle Collins]
New Urgent Text Messages [Chelsea Peretti]

Are Smileys Dead? Or Is Dissing People Using Smileys Dead?

So I e-mailed one of the Variety Shac girls to tell them how funny it would be if they did a sketch where they all just administer oral to an assimilated black guy for the whole thing they are. I thought the exchange that followed contained some useful content, so I'm posting it here (with slight editing), followed by some post e-mail reflections. As always (with pasted e-mails) you should start from the bottom and move up. By popular request, I've reorganized the e-mails so they read normally.

UPDATE!! - initiating e-mail from TAN:

On 1/23/06, T. A. Negro wrote:
you're funny. can't wait 'til we hang. it's gonna be awesome, ... or ok.
On 1/23/06, Chelsea Peretti wrote:
Hey:)

Thanks........or.....no thanks?

YAY! WE'RE IN CONTACT!
On 1/24/06, T. A. Negro wrote:
yeee-haaa ...!!

and you're welcome

fyi - I think smileys/emoticons became illegal when the year turned over. But our e-secret ...

when I got my blog registration it said I shouldn't answer an e-mail this quickly, ... so you should know I'm only taking a quick breath for air while writing my multi-million dollar "power" script ...

do you get a lot of peretti = pretty lines?

I've said too much...

ciao for niao

-P
On 1/24/06, Chelsea Peretti wrote:
haha ciao for niao

peretti/pretty yes. happens here and there.

power script, of course. congrats.

smileysssss......well, you inspired an instant post......trust me it's not about you it's a peeve that was building.

here's the link

don't hate me. don't h8 me.
On 1/24/06, T. A. Negro wrote:
fuck you.

i h8 you.

black people hate you dot com
On 1/24/06, Chelsea Peretti wrote:
TA ru 4 realllllllll? Nooooooooooooooooooooooo

Uhoh......I had a belated nagging feeling a link with "dumb fuck" and "douche" might not illicit shared laughter....I am an idiot who puts comedy before brotherhood at all times. But I swear it wasn't personal. I just thought it was funny to be aggro about smileys.

Sor-ray.
On 1/24/06, Chelsea Peretti wrote:
Dammit--elicit.
On 1/24/06, T. A. Negro wrote:
no, um, seriously, its fine.

you're so peretti you know (i feel "here and there" is clearance for me to go crazy)

you know what sucks though is that this was the first time I proactively broke out the smiley criticism. It was like I was breaking it in to the arsenal. So not only did it not go over, I come to find out its hack material ...

on top of that I'm questioning me sending that first e-mail to really "sell" my hating of your "joke."

this thread started out with such promise. now life is going very fast and i'm sweating.

still, I might end up using this for a post also. if only to link you and tell my blog friends we slept together.
On 1/24/06, Chelsea Peretti wrote:
hhhahaahahahahaaaa hilarious exchange. it's only irritating to me. everyone else would agree with you re: smileys.

:) :) :)
On 1/24/06, T. A. Negro wrote
but this is a nice way to seduce people to your show. I'm so going now. mark it down. How To Create Fans: get people to e-mail you, then call them a douche INSTANTLY on their blog, and tell them "sorry, its jokes b4 people 4 me"
I'm smitten ... with $5 in hand.
On 1/24/06, Chelsea Peretti wrote:
Hhaa its jokes b4 people 4 me. You should come to the shac on feb 7th.
That's my favorite.

http://www.thevarietyshac.com/

Reflections:

First off, in this section of the post you should not start from the bottom anymore and read up. You should start at this point and read down (I don't like to be presumptuous with my readers, it comes from a heightened sense of respect for your intelligence).

Yesterday was the breaking-in of the smiley criticism AND the "ciao for niao" - don't go biting my e-styze fellas, that's just wrong. It's protected by a Creative Commons license.

I love Chelsea's follow-up with an apology and then she double e's me [sic] not to reemphasize the apology, or god forbid, retract the statement, but to correct the word "elicit."

UPDATE/ NEW REFLECTION - I'm such an e-mail whore.

Chelsea's a smart marketer, because it ends up being a shameless plug for her show.


I can't believe I happened on the person who orchestrated blackpeopleloveus.com. Though I'm a little pissed she beat me to it, it's like she was TAN before TAN.

E-mailing with me is a dream. You should really try it some time if you get the chance.

Finally, the ultimate reflection, and only real question that matters is, who's more of a "douche?" People who use smileys, or people who call out smiley users?

What say the people???

Monday, January 23, 2006

TieDie Blogs And What The World Will Be Like In 2015

I feel the current blogging explosion is kind of like a lifecycle (the song "Lifecycle" is in the BR jukebox) back to the 60s era. That sort of cultural revolution. A backlash against systemic thinking, corporation, and rules.

Hippies and blogs go perfect together. Like suits and money.

“Hey duuuuude … man, just start your own blog and like grow your own shit."

This is what the artist economy is moving towards. More and more individual entrepreneurs. More and more home/offices. Why not? Some people go to work and schlop around. Some people go to work and shoulder the load like Atlas. Who would not want to take control and be held accountable for their own destiny? Their own commercial value. Reap what you sow, no? Don’t we all just want to end up as consultants in our area of interest/expertise?

We’re cycling back to a farming lifestyle. Apply your wares on your farm, and you’ll be able to sell some goods to a community of people that knows, and trusts, and maybe even loves you. And you get up early, do things the “right” way, work long hours, toiling, but feeling good because at the end of the day you’ve fed some family, and maybe some others by virtue of your effort. And it’s good honest work. Perhaps good honest work is making a comeback.

Everyone will eventually have their own blog/farm, and they will market whatever it is they feel they can provide. Art, clothes, ideas, service ...


Eventually though, after the farming/hippie era, there will be another backlash. Where ambition will once again rear its head. We will want to do more than simply feeding ourselves and self-sustaining a lifestyle. We are capable of more, so why don’t we do more. Let's integrate, incorporate, and synergize our efforts ...

Then we will have blogging factories (the factories of today are beta). But they won’t be as bad as they sound, because they’ll be cool. They will have taken the pulse of the hippie era, and realized what worked and what didn't. People will create a new department here, a new department there, just to correct some of the inefficiencies ...

We should be able to see clear evidence of these new blog factories by 2015.

Right??

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Chuck Norris & TAN Will Kick Your Ass

Izmist sent me this link a while back to some random facts about Chuck Norris. I found it pretty amusing. Here are some highlights:
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

more ...
if you know some other Chuck Norris facts add them to the comments ...


Thursday, January 19, 2006

Open Bar On Haterade: Lindsayism

So the identity of the formerly anonymous blogger Opinionistas was revealed via an interview in the New York Observer.

I have never really read Opinionistas, but anyone who gets a break (i.e. big $ thrown their way) I generally give the benefit of the doubt. Even though it may seem like it, I don't believe publishers, or record execs, or film producers throw money at whomever. Usually a person has earned it, even if whatever they do may not be up to your tastes.

But Lindsay Robertson pours a tall glass of haterade on the whole situation.


She writes, "remember when people wanted to write books because they wanted to tell good stories and write good things and entertain the nice people? Remember when writers were plagued with self-doubt and ambivalence, when advances and publicity were just two more worries to keep them up at night wondering if they were frauds, not excuses to decide that they were god's gift to the world?" A little later she takes it beyond just bloggers-turned-writers "In this industry (media, entertainment, even blogging), self-respect is the biggest liability a person can have."

I don't get the hate. It's not traditional jealousy-haterade, as Lindsay has been in mags, and lets us know she's turning down opportunities. I guess it feels like I'm-a-rebel-you're-all-sheep haterade, because why can we not assume these people have good stories to tell, along with a modicum of self-respect.

This happens everywhere, in all fields, all I used to hear at hip hop shows and such are, "now everyone's rapping, all these white ni**as think they can rap now cause of Em and Atmosphere. That's why I'm not even trying to rap no more. The game is just stupid now."

Yes, people with money look for things that have previously been successful and then try to repeat the formula. That's business. It's very cold, calculated, and only concerned with the bottom line. Let's get over it. If you want to spit in the face of anyone who offers you money for "your baby," obviously that's very self- righteous of you. But why knock the hustle? Can I live?

Self-doubt is the biggest liability you can have in any of these industries. Because if you don't believe your own hype, no one else will either. No one likes the Dr. Phil self-help babble (actually tons of people do, but no one cool does) but it's not funny because it's true. If you want to specifically knock a particular person and their undeserved success, keep it real, shout it out. But to generally criticize a group for getting on a lucrative bandwagon (excluding your buddy) seems shortsighted.

Now back to the TAN memoirs.

Related:
The real TAN revealed ...[TAN]
You blogging for the love? Nah, show me the money! [TAN]

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

"Y'all Wish I Was Frontin', I George Bush The Button"

The quote in the title is courtesy of Jay-Z, on the song "Threat" off The Black Album.

And it's referencing this link I'm about to provide (via nicolemart)

Today's been hectic, so if you don't want to dig in the TAN archives for something entertaining (I recommend October) ... you can probably adequately pass the time pressing not pressing the red button:

http://img252.echo.cx/img252/8159/006wo.swf

I didn't have the time to see if there's actually a pot of gold (or some other prize) at the end of the sequence, but still found it amusing. And there has to be an end right? Good luck. And if you get to the end let me know the results in the comments.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

TAN En Español!!

Mi nombre es de color marron. El Bronceado es el más grande, otro blogs es caca. Todas las chicas calientes me adoran y la necesidad para tener el sexo conmigo después de leer mi blog. Ellos no cuidan si el pene es el tamaño medio. O si soy un entusiasta de jazz del negro.

Acabo de descubrir que aún algún motherfuckers español liga mi mierda. Eso tiene calor como el fuego. Aquí están las conexiones.

Hola mi negro 1


Hola mi negro 2


Me divierte que "hola" y "holla" son tan encierra el deletreo.

Hola!!! Holla!!!

For the TAN SAP Button click here.

You're Not The Assimilated Negro. Holla!!!

Hugh's "TOP TEN REASONS WHY NOBODY READS YOUR BLOG" is interesting independent of the fact that "You're Not The Assimilated Negro" is reason #6.

Holla!!

His thoughts about a blog's biggest impact on a business perhaps being internal, not external are insightful as well. But it's not just companies, anyone can benefit from "the conversation" that allows a company or individual's ideas to be aired out, challenged, and/or supported. The conversation keeps you sharp.


And speaking of "holla," I was recently asked what "holla" meant exactly. So I'm excerpting the following from my e-mail response and will eventually add it along with a couple other recent queries to TAN's NeverEnding Interview.


so I think officially, with regards to holla, I'd say something like this:


holla:

1) as in "to holler," I'll call you (I'll holla), please respond (holla at me), get back to me (holla back).

2) A multifunctional exclamation of positive affirmation. "Jessica Biel reads TAN and loves it. HOLLA!!"

Friday, January 13, 2006

Come On Baby, You Know They Used To Be Blue ...

For any negro peeps out there feeling frustrated cause some girl they have on the radar is only feeling the "blue-eyed" type. Here is a choice bit of information that may assist you in circumventing that problem.


Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue

Of course the "incredibly curly" hair, permanent [tan], and overly extensive hip hop collection you have now will have to be explained as well. But I'm sure you can manage that. Good luck.

(link sent in by newly minted TAN fan Jumper Bailey)

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Gawker Special Report: Why A Minority Might Kill Himself For A Byline

I did a special report for Gawker yesterday.

It's a commentary on Lizzy Ratner's expose of the lilly-white magazine industry featured in the New York Observer.

I added this in the comments:
"The [best] part (and one I regret not commenting on) is the piece has no rhetoric on the future, or possible solutions, or anything connoting a perspective of change.

that's hot like fire.

hmmm, maybe I should make this my new cover letter for pitches ... "

With a little tweaking, the cover letter is very possible.


In somewhat related news, the killing yourself for posthumous gain/attention is a recurring theme for me. You might say I'm on permanent suicide watch (but not really).

Hip Hop / Blogger Suicides
[TAN]

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Yo, You Smell Like Shit. Really??? Why Thank You.

Remember that horrible letdown of a movie, "Envy?" The plot was centered around a guy who invents a spray that makes shit disappear on contact.

Well scientists aren't exactly up to that level, but they're apparently getting close:
A chemist and a nose specialist have just invented a new compound that turns manure's stench into a "pleasant smelling" odor.
(more...)
Do read the whole article, but my favorite quote is this one:

Manure smells so revolting because there are at least four groups of components that release smelly fumes: volatile fatty acids, ammonia-related ingredients, phenolic compounds and sulfur-containing malodorants.

Researchers are not yet certain why humans find these smells so disgusting.

I guess shit is the epitome of empirical knowledge and circular reasoning. It stinks because it stinks ... I can't think of another reason why I'd find it revolting.

Related:
TAN blog's the shit, other blogs are shitty
[TAN]

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

An Open Letter From A Black Guy To His Average-Sized Penis

Dear average-sized penis,

Ugh. I don’t really know how to say this. We’ve been in and around so much together. And I really do appreciate the effort you’ve put in thus far. But I’m sure you have sensed my growing disappointment over the years. I guess the bottom line is I expected you to be a lot more at this point. I keep waiting for you to grow up, but you never do.

Remember when we were both little and I used to check you for signs of growth like every day. Then I started growing, but for some reason you stayed pretty much the same. I checked to make sure you were connected to my body properly, receiving all the blood and vitamins, and I even asked the doctor if there was a problem. He sort of coughed and stifled a chuckle and said, “sometimes penises just stay a certain size.”

Oh the tears that were shed that day. I cried and cried and cried. I cursed you, and banged you against the door. It was meant to be a punishment, but you went and got excited. When you’re excited you’re much more presentable. I begged you to stay that size forever, just without the horizontal/vertical lift. But we were never able to get that kind of synergy going. Even if we could keep you at the size you are right before you’re excited, and right after, that would be cool too. I don’t know if I’ve told you that before, so I’m telling you now.

What’s that? Look, I don’t want to hear it. Yeah, maybe if you were on a white guy, or an asian guy, or a girl, your reputation would be a lot better at this point. You might be a little more "remarkable." But the fact of the matter is you’re on a black guy, and you are underachieving.

I guess I could do my part and cut down on the whole alpha-male shit-talking. Telling girls your nickname is “The Pulverizer” is probably setting you up for failure. But what should I say your nickname is, “average joe johnson,” or “okey-dokey pokey,” those kinds of names end the game before it even begins.

What would help is if you learned some tricks or something. Like if you learned to talk* (French would be pretty sexy), or if you winked that one eye you have, or even did some sort of weird dance, like “the snake” or something like that. I’m sure that would distract from your so-so physique and give the girls something to talk about.

Cause truth be told, I personally could care less about your size and such. If it were just me, smaller might be better, that way you wouldn’t get in my way when I’m trying to scratch my balls. But ultimately, it’s all about impressing the ladies. You know they’re going to talk, and we want to give them something to talk about. When Dolly Parton Bonnie Raitt sings that song, you’ll notice there is no mention of a black guy with an average-sized penis. That’s not something to talk about.

So I don’t know. Please take this to heart (or to scrotum, whatever translates for you). It looks like you and I are in this together for the long haul, and it’s about time we started communicating. I know you hate the disappointed slump of the shoulders when you come out as much as I do. So let’s work on it. Let’s figure something out.

The ball(s) is(are) in your court. Maybe we can discuss it during kegels tomorrow.

You know where to reach me.

Respectfully submitted,

A black guy (not necessarily named TAN)


* I know it seemed like you talked earlier in this piece, but you didn't, that was just me acting like you were talking.


Related penis stories

Friday, January 06, 2006

The Quest For The "Negro Hipster" Continues ...


Not very long ago Gawker did a “Are you a hipster?” quiz. I took the opportunity to inquire about the “negro hipster” (see comments) asking for the more informed to provide examples of such a creature. I was quickly directed to a few candidates.

But the premise of my query still remains. Initially I proposed that perhaps the negro hipster doesn’t exist. Such a term might be redundant since so much of “hipsterdom” is about co-opting "hip" black culture (and I don’t say that with an "angry black militant" agenda, I say it like my boy Norman Mailer did, because it's true. Mr. Kamoji knows what I'm saying.)

Not long after, I noticed Joey at Straight Bangin’ inquiring about the same issue.

And now Byron Crawford has also joined the investigation. Although he’s not as focused on the "negro" part.

I recently reached out to Byron since I was feeling a little out of touch with my hip hop contingency. And so I'll use his story as my launching pad...

In covering the fashion, music, and party aspects the most critical element to being a hipster is overlooked. Unlike being a black person, being a hipster is a state of mind. And so the hipster keyword missing in his breakdown is “meta.” Byron submits irony as the hipster common denominator (HCD), I submit that the irony is more of an affectation. It is the flag for meta. For intelligence.

Byron ironically notes the hipster love for non-racist racism. But hipsters aren’t actually mocking black people (or other minorities). They’re actually mocking people mocking people that mock people mocking black people. Which, I think, still means they’re mocking black people, but over drinks you could get an argument, and there’s no way you could pin them on it.

Byron accurately points out what hipsters think is ironic, or funny. But it’s not really funny. It's meta-funny. It’s ha-ha funny. It’s acknowledge this funny. It’s "smart. " It’s a blogger. It’s the ugly-duckling late-blooming swan. It's Dave Eggers. It’s passive-aggressive. (probably went a few terms to far here)

Hipsters are all about post-modern, post-ironic. They are acutely self-reflexive and self-conscious. They are a byproduct of the information generation. There is no longer any external advantage to be gained if we all have access to the same information/power. So the end result is to look internal. To go meta. This sensibility, more than anything else, may be the distinguishing characteristic for a hipster. It is the essence of the “cool” that fuels the hipster locomotive. And this coolness translates to music, fashion, and partying in many ways, as demonstrated by Byron's great hipster-bingo chart.

(As a related thought, but one too involved to explore in this post, I also see hipsters representing a break from the Christian morality of previous generations, to a more Nietzschean worldview. The hipster sensibility springs from a "will to power" value system, as opposed to a judeo-christian (generally speaking) value system. Hipsters like niche. They like "individual", which is essentially the ultimate niche. This is notwithstanding the fact that "counter-culture" always eventually morphs into "culture" thereby undermining its own agenda. So they turn away from the external crutch of religion and look to themselves. Sort of an ironic self-help generation.)

I find the racial underpinnings evidenced in the hipster sensibility fascinating because I believe they represent progress. Hipsters handle race in a whole different way. A way that would be foreign to any previous generation. Vice, a prime source for hipster gospel, believes race is a dead issue. I think hipsters think the same way. They’re both wrong of course. But to have that adamant belief circulating amongst our young whipper-snappers is indicative of a new era of race relations. In many ways, because of "the hipster" and our new racial epoch, The Assimilated Negro concept is dated (luckily for me, most of us are dated in this regard, so I still have plenty of potential readers who won't write me off for being old-school). Plus since I’m meta enough to acknowledge that deficiency everyone can still appreciate the fruit of my loins. I mean the fruit of my toils, err labor. You know what I mean.

Now what I was talking about. Oh right, me. Oh wait, no, hipsters.

Hipsters are our first graduates from the school of racial equality (SORE). They are our first look at a new generation. Of course they have gook on their heads, look a little underdeveloped, and generally make you say ewww (which, by the way, is the new "make you say hmmm"). They have issues. But the thing is none of those issues are race issues. You think Blackface Jesus is a product of "old-school Jim Crow" sensibility, or is he a product of "I could give a fuck about this race shit" sensibility. I'm guessing the latter. And if I'm wrong I guess I'll kick his ass later.

So I guess, even though I'm no hipster, I'm down with hipsters. I think it's the artist in me. Because while the fashion and music may be ephemeral, I think the sensibility, the "mind of a hipster" is here to stay. And I'm saying that, like, totally unironically. Seriously. No meta-irony here at all.

Seriously. Stop looking for meta. It's over.

Birds And Bees Tired Of Being "Romantically Linked"

A garden in soho, NYC -- Very little sex was in the air when a group of birds and bees got together to protest the puerile gossip mongering that continues to plague both creatures.

One big bird said, “Who the fuck started this nonsense? I remember my grandmother used to say, ‘people are going to say things during your life. They’re going to say things about you and the bees. And you’re not going to like those things, but you have to keep on flying.’ "

The non-yellow big bird wiped a way a tear and continued, “Birds and bees fucking? I mean sweet jesus, who in the hell started this, this … this LIE!! I ain’t fucking no bees. Period. Not with all these fine ass birds around. How’s that gonna look? A big ass bird like me flying around, looking for bees. How would you even get it on with a bee anyways. What the fuck? How? Seriously. Do you know how? You. Writing this down. Yeah you. Seriously. Do you have a solution?”

I responded, “Um, no.”

“Ok then. So let’s kill ‘the birds and the bees’ talk, shall we? I ain’t done nothing with no bees. Nah son, never have, never will. Let some other motherfuckers be associated with bees. The antelopes and the bees. The aardvarks and the bees. Maybe anteaters like them. What’s that?? Yeah I guess I am somewhat fond of ‘the A animals,’ but that’s beside the point. But while we’re off subject, I’m also pissed about the term ‘bird-brained.’ What the fuck??!! You guys think you run shit and can just be disrespectful like this …”

While many bees were buzzing about, it was difficult to get any to speak on the record. Eventually a young bee stepped up to respond after the big bird erupted, “I think the bird is being a little overdramatic. I mean I don’t want to have sex with him either, but he shouldn’t be writing off us bees. We get our buzz on also, if you know what I’m saying. He may have a size advantage, but it’s not the size of the stinger, it’s the yummy in the honey you know what I mean?”

The bee then grotesquely grabbed his abdomen and secreted a strange fluid that caused everyone to immediately seek out an exit. While others fled the scene he continued, “ But it really doesn’t make sense. Cause the other thing is if we use our stingers to get inside some non-bee booty, for us it amounts to a death countdown. Cause as soon as we use that, it’s over. So it’s a much bigger commitment. We don’t usually try to stick it in just anybody. I know a lot of people who say, ‘yo, I’ll just work and stay busy. I ain’t trying to die for no ass.’

It may serve us well to keep all this in mind next time we teach little Johnny about the birds and the bees.

Related:
What's with the phrase "romantically linked"? [Jenisfamous]
Apples and oranges are pissed too [TAN]

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Sorry, I Have A Bloggie In My Throat

So I was informed by a couple people today that they have nominated TAN for Bloggie consideration.

Its sort of funny, because I actually talked to the guy who runs this, as he does song parodies and I mentioned perhaps doing a little hip hop something for his blog-event. I think it's funny great he 's created such an elaborate process. Takes nominations, then selects three panels of fifty people. Then takes more votes. And awards are handed out after three months?? Very serious business.

Anyways, my week has been a little hectic, so I can't break out the full shuck-and-jive to galvanize the TAN supporters at the moment. But nominations are open until Tuesday ... so maybe before then I'll break out the tap-dancing shoes.

In the meantime, in between time, I urge those who like TAN to show their support.

My fellow negroes-at-arms - Its power to the people, let's do it right this time.

My caucasian peeps - black history month looms on the horizon, and you either support racial/blogging equality, or you don't. Plus you can nom at least three blogs, so you can still get your supremacist on by listing me last.

Anyone else - You know the whole "black-and-white" thing, that's just marketing baby. Color is color, so don't hesitate in representing for ya boy.

So much voting, so little time ...

Woody Allen Is Like Having Sex With Jessica Alba While Watching The BCS National Championship Game And Passing Undetectable Gas

I saw the movie Match Point two nights ago, and it was excellent. It's probably the best movie I've seen since Eternal Sunshine.

I do confess to being a Woody Allen fan. If you're also a Woody Allen fan, then you should have seen the movie yesterday. If you're not a Woody Allen fan, you should still see it, because the best part of the movie is that you wouldn't know it was a Woody Allen film if not for the credits.


Here's a quick list of things that Match Point rivals in hotness:

1. Sex (duh).
2. Texas Vs. USC for the National Championship.
3. Bob wandering aimlessly around SoHo looking for Jessica Alba.
4. Nina Gordon singing "Straight Outta Compton."
5. My bodyguard beating down a negative commenter.
6. Getting drunk and mysteriously waking up with no hangover.
7. Getting drunk and mysteriously waking up with Jessica Alba and Nina Gordon singing "Straight Outta Compton."
8. TAN blog in the month of October.
8.8. The highly anticipated TAN/Zulkey CraigsList Project.
9. The feeling of relief when you know you have to pass gas in public, do so, and find that it is both inaudible and odorless and therefore undetectable.
10. Passing highly detectable gas but successfully shifting the blame to someone else. Preferably someone with a high profile blog, and a sense of humor, like Lindsay.
11. Getting a papercut on your tongue while licking an envelope.
12. Fire.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The Assimilated Nina Gordon (audio)

TAN meets TANG: The Beginning (introduced by Ali Z.)


TAN says, "TANG, where you from?"

TANG says, "I'm coming straight outta compton."

TAN says, "Word?? You don't look the part."

TANG says, "Niggas start to mumble, they wanna rumble, mix 'em and cook 'em up in a pot like gumbo ..."

TAN says, "Marry Me!!"

TANG says, "My AK-47 is the tool. Don't make me act a motherfuckin' fool..."


The Wedding Song
http://www.ninagordon.com/audio/straightouttacompton.mp3

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Blog On Blog Crime Dating

Since I have some blog friends, and the timing for this subject is precarious at best, I must preface this by saying, "Nothing That Follows Refers To Any Specific Individual!!!"

The real impetus is FeistyRed e-mailed me asking to help her flesh out a bit on "Bloggers Dating Bloggers." And its hard to resist a cute profile picture pitching an amusing premise.

So I wrote down a couple thoughts, and since I'm still sort of groggily getting out of my blog-bed, I'll leave it at that. I think Feisty will eventually take over and do it up proper.

so here were a couple thoughts that came to mind in terms of pitfalls when bloggers date bloggers...

Hidden Meaning Is Everywhere:
Possibly the worst problem with two bloggers dating is that both people are writing every day, or often. And you lose sense of perspective. So when the person writes, "So today I had cheese on bread for breakfast." You’re like, “that motherfucker’s calling me bread!!! And cheesy??!!? And I'll be damned if anyone has me for breakfast!! Nah son (even girls break out the 'son' when they're pissed), fuck that shit. I'm going to bash this motherfucker's head in with his own laptop. Send subliminal hints now bitch!!”

Then you go and write a post about, "why home fried potatoes are better than pelicans in the summer." And the comments are like, “oh shit dude, that’s awesome, friggin’ pelicans and home fries, its sooo funny because its soooo true.” Meanwhile you’re really referencing the home fried potatoes he made for you after sleeping over, and the fact that he calls his thingy Mr. Pelican.

You will curse the day you ever went to english class.

Traffic Wars:
Every relationship has an inherent power struggle that operates beneath the surface, in the subtext. But bloggers have a tracking device that put the state of the power struggle right on Front Street. Its called Sitemeter. If one person has all the traffic, comments, and "critical acclaim." While you just kind of post diarrhea pudding day-after-day …well guess who has the power? Yeah, it's not you with the milky-brown residue around your lips, that's for sure. Get involved with someone with major traffic and he/she can give you an inferiority complex without even saying anything. Kind of like a gift-subscription to Cosmo.


and that's all I got for now. Any other thoughts will be channeled through my new psycho-stalker Feisty.
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