I once started a neverending interview, but now we're switching to a "Dear TAN" feature. Send your questions/letters to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com.
In this edition: My friends are poor!
Dear TAN,
had a sandwich for lunch. Unfortunately no leftovers, and that brings me down to loose change status-- no paper money left. Luckily, someone has a birthday today so we are getting cake at 3pm. I am going to try to smuggle some extra slices for dinner.
-Friend of TAN
--
Dear Friend,
Well, as you know I'm very familiar with the "strictly change" days. I consider it a rite of passage for NYC living. But I am delighted to hear you were able to procure a whole sandwich. I'd look into perhaps getting the office to sponsor an impromptu dinner for the lucky birthday person. If it's a friend of yours, even if you can't get the office dinner popping, maybe you can "take a collection" for a birthday present. Then you can eat said present.
This only buys you time, of course. And if discovered, people will hate you. But it's easier to be hated on a full stomach.
Good luck. And save a cake slice for me!
-TAN
I just hope he writes you back so we hear how this ends. Was there ice cream, a decent source of calcium, if difficult to steal?
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