Friday, July 06, 2007

This Blog Is A Time Killer

My mortality sickens me. The cold hard female-moustache reality on aging is that it’s a countdown. You are born and the clock starts -- tick, tick, tick -- and at some point the buzzer goes off and the dream will be over. More than god, or love, or American Apparel, this is probably the one thing the most people believe to be true. And it’s not a source of joy or happiness. Sure, the tragedy of it all is good for comedy; but the laughter is always at you, never with you. Whatever you do or say, it’s a joke. Ha. No, seriously. Ha!!

So I don’t like birthdays. And it’s the same way I don’t like funerals. It’s like, duuude, who wants to go to a Sadness Party, y’know? Thinking about it, I might actually prefer funerals. Birthdays are this big charade of happiness, but meanwhile all you really want to do is cry and say, “I’m sorry for your loss. That’s a tough break on those 365 days they took. We’ll get the bastard, I SWEAR IT!”

The thing is, when I go to birthday parties and cry and tell them we’ll get the bastard, I’m not just being nice. I really mean it. I’m going to get that bastard! DO YOU HEAR ME, TIME?? THERE'S NOT ENOUGH ROOM IN THIS TOWN FOR THE BOTH OF US! ONE OF US IS NOT LEAVING THIS WORLD/DIMENSION ALIVE!!

Have I mentioned my medication that getting older is sad and disgusting? I loathe it. And I loathe to use the word “loathe,” but I really do. It’s the perfect word for the occasion. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the first word invented. God created Time, then Loathe. Then Hate, Murder, Rape and Pestilence. Then Kittens. And Cute Girls. On a child’s first birthday, I always give them an index card with the word “loathe.” I think it makes the perfect gift (after an iphone!), plus it’s something they can grow with and keep forever.

Shouldn’t we celebrate birthdays and funerals the same way? One is: “Who’s dead? Let’s congregate.” And the other is, “Who’s closer to dying? Let’s congregate.” Either way, let’s get that Patron popping! Woo-Hoo!

Of course an old white man once told me that another old white man said, “Youth is wasted on the young, just as blackness is wasted on black people” And for some reason I think this is a good place to use that line.

Aging apologists like to point to my poverty, personality, and alcoholism as the source of my depression. Also, my average-sized penis (it's rude to point!). But definitely not my “maturation.” I am in fact getting better with time. But that is where the Criss Angel Mindfreak happens. Because I’m not getting better with time, I’m getting better with experience.

[earnest pause here]

This is what goads me the most about time. The vanity! The chutzpah! Everything we know and do is invested in time. Jobs, relationships, love, hate, it all seemingly fluctuates with time. But no! It’s all a ruse. Or so we hope...

The signs of our disbelief and rebellion are as persistent as the enemy itself. We never act our age. And never-turning-30 is always the-new-20 which is always the-new-47. I’ve been friends with this person for two months, but it feels like years. I’ve been blogging for a year and change, but it feels like forever. I can have sex for six minutes, but it feels like two. It’s all just friggin' numbers as long as the chick is hot!

We just have to work on ignoring Time. Separating him from our perception of experience. Either all experience is timeless. Or time only passes when we experience. Regardless, the seconds and minutiae don't matter. And that's what I'm here for, to make sure that prophecy is fulfilled. My "about me" should simply read "Time Killer." Sent here so that we would no longer be burdened by this oppressive institution of aging. The realm of our experience has no boundaries, time or otherwise. We just have to believe it. You could put a chicken in the oven right now, and cook it, and never have to look at the time. You can just experience when the chicken is done.

Go ahead. Try it. Put something in the oven. Maybe a meatloaf. Then forget about time...

Now go back the next "day" and see what you have. If you've been focusing, it should be a nice fresh tasty meat loaf. If it's burned, then try again, but this time THINK HARDER.

Anyage, I've gotten a little lost here, and I have to wrap this up because, uh, well the sun is going down. But just know, this is not the end. We're going to lick this mortality thing! We're going to do it together! And next time you see Time, tell him TAN said he's a dead man.

Eternal Now (audio) [TAN]


  1. My Dearest TAN, coupla things:
    1.) I think you spend too much time with White People. Not there's anything wrong with this: some of my best friends are white. Heck; my kid is technically, half-white (but if you've ever met an Albanian you understand why I said "technically). White people have hang-ups with age. Treat old White people like sh*t. The rest of us know that age is freakin' cool... and you can live an *awfully* long time and still kick ass while you're doing it. Grandpa lived to be 94. I think he was having regular sex well into his '80's. I know cuz at Grandma's funeral get-together I found his prescription for Viagra. And Grandma was senile, so I doubt it was she he was doing.
    2.) The glass can be half empty, or it can be half full. Me, I prefer to think of all the things I've done in the time I've been here, rather than freak out on all the things I haven't done yet.
    3.) I was just thinking of compiling a list of things I want to do before I die. There are so many that I know I have to live a long time. You should try it.
    4.) You can't be older than me... and I love being old. It rocks. People can't tell you what to do when you're old. You can always feign senility.
    5.) (And this might be TMI, but what the hell). Men get freaked out by time, because unless something calls it to their attention, they don't regularly notice that time is passing. So they look up and go "OH SHIT! Its X days/years/decades later!!!" Us chicks get reminded every 28 days that a whole month has passed, dammit. Or if 28*3 (84) days has passed, and they haven't noticed, then in about another 28*5 (140 days) um, there could be the "mother" of all constant time-passing-reminders. A baby. Nothing makes you more aware... or makes you enjoy knowing--that time has passed. And it doesn't freak you out as much that way, that time has passed. You rather enjoy it.
    6.) Einstein was truly genius. More than anything, his discovery that time is relative to where you are standing was brilliant. I saw the Einstein exhibit at the Met (?) a few years back; changed my whole perception of time.
    7.) If you live right and eat well and are nice to kittens and puppies, you get rewarded with an ageless face. Then nobody knows how old you are. There's a lot of power in that...
    8.) Instead of ignoring time, it works much better when you pay it the same attention you would give any high-maintenance Diva beeatch. Cuz just like any self-respecting high-maintenance Diva beeatch, she's gonna get you in the end, regardless. May as well face up to the fact that you're owned.

  2. I'm neither a half full or half empty glass kind of person. To me, it's just another dish to wash it.

    The more time you spend trying to beat the clock, the bigger of an advantage you give it.

  3. Anonymous7/06/2007

    i don't understand any of this.

  4. Odd coincidence Neil Young's song "Old Man" began playing as I read this post. But then it moved to "Rockin' in the Free World," so I'm not sure what it all means. But, I digress, we don't have a lot of time on this hunk of rock so let's try and make it as funny as fucking possible, and if the jokes on me TAN, then fuck it, at least I was funny.

  5. Blah Blah Blah7/06/2007

    My ADHD kicked in...I drifted off after "...reality on age is that it's a countdown.". Is it your birthday or are you just talking about birthdays and time for...ummm, no good got gamn reason? I'll have to come back, once you've posted something else...*not as long and whiny*

    Have an awesome humid hot ass weekend TAN man.


  6. Great post.Loved the injection of humourouscross outs.
    It did get me to thinking of time.GReat comment by Bear maiden amI supposed o kill myself because I am 42 or be thankful that I amnot 62 and enjoy the next 20minutes before I am?
    Off to take a Prozac now.:(

  7. Howlin' Hobbit likes ElectricJoe. I want that on my tombstone... "If the joke's on me, then fuck it, at least I was funny."

    Yeah. Sure as shit there are worse fates.

  8. Impressively done, I like your style.

  9. Don't waste time trying to ignore time.

    Just Be.

  10. Look at some Dali. Then, you'll really get the bear maiden.

  11. Oh Tan -- nice site; fun blog! Regarding time, I think we're so lazy, naturally. If we didn't have the time threat -- some imminent "end" in sight -- would we appreciate what we have? Personally, I have been so anxiety-ridden lately. My cat of 15 years suddenly dies, my 14-year old cat now has cancer, and that damned fish we got from the fair died within 24 hours. Try explaining that to a 4-year old who wants to know if heaven is inside the little cedar box that houses my cat's bones. Ugh. But I digress... just when we finally start learning that life really can be beautiful, that's when we start to realize how f@!$ing short it is. Hey, at least you're not alone... :)

  12. man I'm depressed now! I had forgotton about my upcoming B-day till I read this.

  13. TAN,

    First, I love your style. Thank you for blessing us less-than-gifted writers with your wit.

    Now onto the subject of time. I second the comment posted by "the bear maiden." You may be spending too much time with white people - white women in particular.

    I'm a white woman (surprise!), and everything you said sounds like a discussion I'd have with my girlfriends over a cup of coffee and Barry Manilow CD.

    So, what gives? Why such a strong emphasis placed on your time running out? Did some cute, young chick question your age?

  14. Where can I get the bubble wrap?

  15. Anonymous7/07/2007

    "blackness is wasted on black people"

    great line

  16. i think bear maiden shouldnt stereotype...buttt anyway

    dont let time defeat you!

    you can totally pwn time, just plan to be the most awesome old person everrr...

    "old" has it's own sterotype that should not be taken into such strong consideration as some people do.

  17. WildMagnolia7/07/2007

    TAN you'll be okay. You have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change.


  18. For some reason after reading this, The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony" came to mind. I can't allow myself to think like that though bc it seriously depresses the shit outta me.

  19. TAN: Great post. I've been blogging all of 2 days and have no clue. I do know this, time stands still while it is us that are moving around it. Ever notice the sun rises and sets pretty much the same way everyday? In the meantime, what scares me to death literally is dying itself. Not so much the dying itself since I havent been able to figure out a way around it. No way to get a free pass on that one, I am rather terrified of the "HOW" and can't seem to find a suitable way to go away from this dimension. Besides the how, the next part that preocupies me is the "WHEN" and therein lies the TIME factor.If we are to analyze the amount of time we spend on this dimension assuming there are more where we go to, then it is nothing more than a small blink of light between two vast eternities...millions of years before us: US (100 years best case scenario: Millions of years after us.

  20. One thing you find out as you age is that all your experiences are meaningful and most important you are what you think.

  21. Anonymous7/10/2007

    Birthdays are definitely the worst. Especially crying into your pillow alone. So I hear.


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