Friday, July 27, 2007

TAN Iz For The Kidz: Baby Jamz™ Prototypes

So have you heard about Baby Jamz™? It's the latest initiative from the House of Knowles and it's marketed as the "the first ever hip-hop/rhythm inspired preschool toy line promoting creativity, learning and movement through music..." It was supposed to hit Wal-Mart stores a couple days ago according to this press release.

Mathew Knowles, president and CEO of Music World Entertainment says, "My grandson Juelz was the inspiration for this idea and I am especially excited that most of the Nursery Rhymes are sung by my daughter, Solange Knowles."

Now I don't have a daughter or a grandson. And I don't know Mathew personally, so I can't tell you why he spells his name with only one T. But I can tell you that this grandson story is a stretch of the imagination/advertising budget. And I can tell you that because I was the artist who actually helped develop the prototypes for the Baby Jamz toy line.

That's right. TAN. The man who brought you Snotsicles™, legislation on Mandingo Parties, and a heartwrenching conversation with Biz Markie (another take on "creativity, learning, and movement through music") was also ready to serenade your kidz.

I had actually forgotten about this — I was told Solange had stolen my Wal-Mart deal sometime early this year and, you know, who wants to dwell on that — but was reminded when I saw this Babylicious post on Jezebel. So I left my comments, cried, and then rapped myself a lullaby to go to sleep.

Anyjamz, I figured I might as well post some of my samples because, I don't know, because I'm an idiot and have no shame I guess.

I had to make about 15 songs. Half were original. Half were nursery rhymes to hip hop beats.

Here was one they liked called "One Minute." Pre-TAN heads may recognize the formula:

MP3 File

Now when they did have critiques, it was usually because I was too "dark and edgy." Or the material allowed too much room for misinterpretation. That was the case with "Touch Your Body" which got nixed early in the process:

MP3 File

Come on. That can bump in the clubs right now yo!

And yes, I actually took time to conceive of the "rub your belly, now down to your toes" dance. You should try it. It's quite fun. And liberating!

Moving on ... since my voice is somewhat deep and potentially scary for toddlers (and women!), I recruited a young female rapper who was doing work in the studio. Her name is P-Star (what you know about my MTV recruits son! Forget Hov or Kanye! P-Star!). She did a Humpty Dumpty duet with me:

MP3 File


So there you go folks. That's that PROFESSIONAL blue collar hip hop right there. I don't want to know about no rimz. Or beautiful buxom womenz (actually I can hear a little bit about them). I want to know if you can tailor your ish for midwestern toddlerz and get that Wal-mart paper? Like TAN Solange and Mathew.

Baby Jamz


  1. hmmmm. So are you S.O.L.ange (get it, BWA HA HA!) or do I smell Lawsuit?

    Those are really good. I would love to see what my barely-two-year-old Grand Nephew (AKA Perpetual Motion) would do with this. He's a hiphop dancer to his heart.

    And boy do I gotta job for YOU!

  2. no kidding. first, the cookie monster goes on a diet. now, this. stop childz' miseducation!


    ps: 'touch your body' SO deserves play time.


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