Friday, July 28, 2006

The Ass-Ex: Devil Worship

I mentioned The Assimilated Exchange in the context of discussing the Eminettes and the everyone-can-rap-now pandemic. The idea was to point out that in the assimilation process, you win some, and you lose some. Hip hop culture has assimilated, and while there are jobs and commercial profit, you also have to tolerate silly looking weather-women making a mockery of the art-form you used to hold so dear. On the flip side, caucasians may get a kick out of the Chappelle Show, or getting to pop their collar. But they have to suck it up when Tiger takes over the golf course. Or Diddy forces another rock classic into a hip hop box that doesn't fit.

Point being there's an exchange, and not every exchange is even. That's the first thought. Then the next thought was while going through my itunes (i.e. the itune swatches that serve as a form of identification), I'm always thinking about here's a song caucasians jock, and it's hot, but negroes probably aren't up on it. And vice verse. Here's a hip hop song, that caucasians might be overlooking, because they don't quite understand the science behind it. Or how it might relate to their worldview. And perhaps, that's what TAN is all about. Translating worldviews.

So, I'm going to begin an official The Assimilated Exchange (Ass-Ex) feature, where I will post two songs, one representing for my caucasian peeps, one for the negro side. We'll do some sort of analysis compare/contrast. And I'll also try and include the mp3 link, so you can add these must-have songs to your collection.

We're going to start with perhaps the most official representatives for either side. The Rolling Stones for my c-peeps. And Jay-Z for my negroes. And I'm going to look at two songs that tackled the same subject/concept. Sympathy for the Devil, by the Stones. D'Evils, by Jigga.

I decided on these two cause I was just reading the XXL issue celebrating the 10th anniversary of Jay-Z's debut album Reasonable Doubt. And it was the third or fourth time I've seen Jay talking about how much the song D'Evils means to him. The songs themselves aren't on the same level. But it occurred to me that Jay might be the hip hop equivalent of The Rolling Stones. Not musically, of course, but in terms of status and importance to their respective genre of music. The Rolling Stones are touted as the greatest rock-and-roll band. Jay as the greatest hip hop artist.

Now, in a battle of the beats, Sympathy wins hands down. Granted it might be comparing apples and oranges, the Jay-Z song is a sample-based beat by Primo, basically a two-bar loop and vocal samples for the hook. The Stones song is a fully evolved musical composition with solos and all that. When you get people talking about hip hop music as lazy, repetitive, boring ... this compare and contrast really highlights that. Especially when you consider Premier is one of hip hop's classic producers.

Of course the caveat here is that Sympathy might be the Stones best song, and D'Evils is not likely to be on the top ten list for either Jay or Primo, aside from sentimental reasons. But if you look at them as song archetypes, you can see where there's just a lot more to build off of with the Stones song.

Moving on to the lyrics, I give the writing team of Mick Jagger/Keith Richards the nod over Hov on this as well. Again, it's a tough comparison, but I take it from the angle of what they tried to do with the devil concept. Jagger takes a first-person perspective, and sort of goes through history as the devil. Jigga goes third-person, and sort of translates the devil not as a person but as a connection to "The-Evils" in the world, particularly on the streets. Both are well executed lyrically. But since Jagger maintains a cohesive narrative flow, and Jay is three separate verses on the subject, it sort of feels like the difference between a good movie and a good documentary. The good movie, draws you in, and immerses you in a story. The documentary tells you about all these things more matter of factly. There's less magic. It's a classic case of the writer's mantra, "show, don't tell."

The comparison here also does a good job of showing how hip hop is still in its early years in terms of creatively expressing these universal themes. A song like D'Evils viewed solely in the context of hip hop's history is a lot more significant. There aren't a lot of songs that try and take on the subject of evil, or the devil, with this sort of twist. But in the context of all the genres of music, it's going to fall short. It's sort of basic. Certainly worth doing, but not a classic song that can resonate across the board. So it shows how hip hop's catalogue overall might still be a little shallow. D'Evils is a big fish in a small pond.

It's also a good demo of how emcees can lose a mainstream audience by being tricky with the wordplay, instead of just telling a good interesting story. Slick Rick was great because he just told the story, he didn't get stuck on maintaining an intricate rhyme scheme over eight bars, or tricky wordplay that has nothing to do with the theme of the song. If he would have dealt with heavier subjects, he might have written a Sympathy for the Devil. As is, Nas would probably be the best bet for a good narrative along those lines.

So to wrap this up. I think comparing these songs, and the stature of the artists shows a lot of what hip hop is lacking. Musicality and creative storytelling with universal themes. Sympathy is a classic song, while D'Evils is a classic hip hop song, limited by the boundaries of its genre at the time. If you're an A&R or producer or manager with a good hip hop artist, you might ask them to take a stab at doing something like Sympathy for the Devil. Get some hot production, and you might very well have a timeless hit on your hands.

Actually take Kanye on production. Add Nas. Tell them to do a hip hop take on Sympathy. That would be a classic.

Sympathy For The Devil - The Rolling Stones

MP3 File

D'Evils - Jay-Z

MP3 File

That's Not Gangsta!!!

Many have seen, some have not. Here's JT Taylor aka The Game on the show Change of Heart acting a wee bit contrary to his current hardcore image.

This is actually the sort of thing I think more emcees need to embrace, show the full range of your character, instead of hiding the herby side in the closet. Too many emcees act like thug-bots.

I'm also reminded of how hot the show Change of Heart was. Those dating shows where you had to feel out how the other person was going to react during the show, and determine if you were going to be nice, or Jamie Foxx them, those were all fire.

(found via byron crawford. He has part 2 also)

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Jamie Foxx: Hack Destroyer

Someone, (actually the guy who invited me to the Lupe video) put me up on this classic moment from Shaq's Roast of Emmit Smith. I've never seen anyone get so destroyed in front of this big of an audience, outside of a hip hop battle context. Jamie Foxx basically pulls this guy's pants down in front of a stadium of people (metaphorically speaking). Poor whatever-his-name ... I don't think you'll be seeing him at a venue near you anytime soon.

Actually his name is Doug Williams. And I think I'll be using that as a reference for when people get clowned eviscerated in public.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Seal: Self Eponymous And Lazy

So I was looking up the wiki on Seal, thinking about writing a "Seal Guide To Bagging White Women." Seal, of course, might be one of the Rushmore faces for breezie-bagging. Perhaps even more deserving of reverence than Derek Jeter, because well, Derek Jeter has this pretty-boy thing going on, and Seal is just f'ing up what Heidi Klum's child is going to look like.

I never really peeped Seal as an artist. None of his singles were ever particularly compelling for me. And I never knew him beyond "that ni**a with the scars." So checking out his discography I was very amused to discover all his albums have Seal in the name except one. Which is named Human Being. I think the discography almost reads like an Onion piece:

(these two alone are ridiculous. It's like, come on son, ... your name, again?!!?!)

Human Being
Seal IV
Best of Seal (1991-2004)
Seal: Live In Paris

Ridiculous, no? I like that when you see the whole catalogue, and the covers, it's clear he would have named every CD "Seal" if left to his own devices. Someone obviously stopped him on the third one, and he was like, "um, ok,... are you sure I can't name it Seal? Hmmm, well how about Seal: Human Being?" They were like, "ok fine, just take out the Seal." Then you know he was probably insistent on the fourth one. They had to compromise and get him to add the number. And of course the Best of and Live album fill out the collection.

How is this allowed though? I can't think of a popular artist who could get away with this level of narcissism (without a blog, no less!). I think because he's black, with craters in his face, he gets a free pass. Also his wife is so hot. He's basically untouchable. He's in his own zone. We all aspire to live a life like Seal. Blessed, Blissed, and unconcerned with the outside world.

A world where all you have to do is be Self Eponymous And Lazy, and f*ck Heidi Klum when she's around.

Monday, July 24, 2006

The Daily Conversation With My Temperamental Shower

TAN: *taps shower knob/shoulder* Hi shower. How are you today? I just woke up, but in my dreams I dreamed about you being nice to me. I dreamed of cleansing my soul under your pure waters.

Temperamental Shower (TS): *responds coldly* HMMPHH.

TAN: *flashes infectious smile* Oh, you're always chilly in the morning. But you'll warm up. Please hurry though, I have to get out of here soon.

TS: Get out of my face. I don't care where you think you have to be? Why are you even bothering me? You know I'm not a morning person.

TAN: Come on man. let's not do this today?

TS: Let's not do what??!!? Ni**a, get the f*ck out of my face!! No one would want you anywhere if I didn't rinse your nasty off every day. I'm tired of you taking me for granted.

TAN: You're right. Sorry. I'm just sayin'. Look, I didn't mean to be rude, I'm gonna go back to the bedroom get my towel and stuff, and maybe when I get back you'll be a little more friendly.

TS: Maybe. But I wouldn't go placing any big bets if you know what I'm saying.

TAN: True. ok man, I'll be back. *leaves to fetch towel*

TS: *thinking*

TAN: Ok, I'm back. How you feeling?

TS: Better, I guess. Sorry I was so cold before. You know I'm just a grumpy-pants in the morning. But I'm ready to get it on now.

TAN: excellent. ok, I'm gonna get in.

TS: Cool.

TAN: *enters shower* Any chance we can get through this one without you turning on me?

TS: What are you talking about?

TAN: nothing. forget it.

TS: So where you going today?

TAN: I have two meetings. One with this toy company, about a hip hop line of toys. The other is with this producer who might work with me on my next EP.

TS: Sounds cool.

TAN: Yeah, hopefully they'll be productive meetings.

TS: Oh, you know I have to tell you something.

TAN: what's that?


TAN: ARRRGGHH THE PAIN!! *bangs head on the wall trying to evade scalding water stream*

TS: whoopsy. sorry about that TAN. I don't know what took over me. It's ok now.

TAN: god man, that's what I was talking about before. *feels bump on head* Why do you do that? *reenters shower*

TS: I don't know. It's sort of impulsive, not really pre-meditated you know.

TAN: well it really sucks, I could really get hurt one of these times. I already have a lump on my head.

TS: huh? what did you say?

TAN: I said I could really get hur—


*shower cuts off*

TAN: A**hole. Can I at least get a little water to rinse the soap from underneath the young and the restless?

TS: You sure you want some?

TAN: No forget it, I'll just leave it there. Ass.

TS: See you tomorrow TAN.

TAN: *raises middle finger* I hate you.

TS: tell me tomorrow. Ciao baby.

and ... scene

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The Funniest Site I've Seen In A While ...
(spotted on Gawker)

N Double A See Who?

After ignoring invitations every year of his presidency until now, President Bush, the black people's champion, was able to take a reprieve from being the worst president ever, to address the annual NAACP convention. Here were some of the more insightful quotes from the first time caller, long time ignorer of WBLK:
"I understand that racism still lingers in America"

"And I understand that many African-Americans distrust my political party."

"For too long, my party wrote off the African-American vote, and many African-Americans wrote off the Republican Party."

"For nearly 200 years, our nation failed the test of extending the blessings of liberty to African-Americans. Slavery was legal for nearly 100 years, and discrimination legal in many places for nearly 100 years more."

"There is no greater joy than to state the obvious, to repeat for someone else that which is in front of both of you."

Maybe this guy's not so dumb after all ...

Bush acknowledges racism still exists
(thanks copy)
( for the pic)

Holy Pedophile-Mongering Batman!!!

I couldn't believe this story in the Daily News (found via Gawker):
Cute-as-a-button child star Dakota Fanning, who turned 12 in February, is venturing into sexually disturbing territory in a movie being filmed in North Carolina.

The screenplay for "Hounddog" - a dark story of abuse, violence and Elvis Presley adulation in the rural South, written and directed by Deborah Kampmeier - calls for Fanning's character to be raped in one explicit scene and to appear naked or clad only in "underpants" in several other horrifying moments.

more ...

Wow... I was going to make this a Cracka Crackdown!, but then I didn't want to get race-y. No quotes from Dakota, but her mother and agent think the role could net her an Oscar (presumably in addition to the head issues). Not surprisingly the movie is having trouble finding investors, but apparently the rape scene is already in the can. Which leaves me surprised it's not more than a gossip bit.

It'll be interesting to see how this resolves. If this film gets to theaters, let alone wins an oscar, that will be one helluva precedent. Apocalypse Nigh. Lock your doors. Hide your children.

Lloyd Grove's Lowdown
[NY Daily News]
Gossip Roundup [Gawker]

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Nothing Is Certain Except Death And Taxes

So I sent the JW Marriott anti hip-hop campaign to a handful of people, and looking at some of the comments and e-mails I've received, there seems to be a good faction of people shrugging their shoulders, and wondering why this campaign in particular needled me so much.

I don't know, maybe there's some muscle reflex there. I understand that it is ok to not always want hip hop around. But like Copyranter said in the comments, it's the visual/text combo that makes it sketchy. Plus "hip hop" for me is about the spirit of independence. Freedom, if you will. Like rock & roll, when it first hit the scene.

And I haven't seen any "rock without the roll" ads. Whatever.

Anyways, here's a link to a video someone sent in to me for a documentary called America: Freedom To Fascism. The promo vid runs a little long. And sometimes the anti-government propoganda is hard to digest without Michael Moore serving it to me like applesauce. But I think they're saying we don't have to pay taxes?? Correct me if I'm wrong.

America: Freedom To Fascism

(sent in by Viper at 7 and a Crescent, a name I havent heard since Digable Planets, he also has a bunch of old school R&B and hip-hop videos posted)

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Melting Pot ... Without The Melting

"Just White" Marriott Hotels has thrown the gauntlet down against hip hop. For Klansmen looking to get away, we have just the spot where you can live comfortably, naturally, and far away from "posturing" hippity-hoppity negroes.

Spotted by Copyranter. I left more of my comments on his post.

Here's the ad:

If they ran the ad with negroes I probably wouldn't get mad. But they didn't, soooo who's party crashing???

R&R - R&B = JW Marriott
Why "Hip Hop" Needs To Rebrand [TAN]
Kill The White People [TAN]

Monday, July 17, 2006

They Say There's A Stock Market, But My GrandPappy Says If You Can't Touch It, You Can't F*ck It

Solid read here in the Washington Post, about negroes taking their money out the stock market.
The percentage of higher-income African Americans with stock investments is trending downward, from a high of 74 percent in 2002 to 64 percent this year. The proportion of higher-income whites with stock investments stands at 83 percent, virtually unchanged since the first year of the jointly sponsored survey, 1998.
More ...
You don't really learn about the market in school. At least I didn't, and I went to fancy-schmancy schools. I think it's more of a family thing. A lifestyle, like Entourage, but not as fun and sensational ... unless you're in the know. Only generations of influence could inspire people to read the Wall Street Journal of their own volition.


So, it would figure that higher-income African Americans are also newly higher-income African Americans. And perhaps they read the WSJ, but there's still a nagging in the back of the head, a lynched negro hanging from a tree telling them that anyday now an old white man is going to bust into their house and say, "HAHA! We got you ni**a!!! Suckers. Just colored suckers, all of you!! *pulls out three fruity lollipops for ironic effect* You fell for the old 'buy & hold' Melanin-Man. Sheeeit, that's the oldest caucasian-con in the book. You give us your money, and we'll hold it for ya. HAHAHA!!! Well back to poverty with you negro. Black Tuesday bitches. Dems the breaks. You read the fine print. 'Past history is no guarantee of future results.' Game over son. Yeah that's right, we're gonna continue to appropriate the cool slang from your culture too ... SON! All us caucasoids are gonna split up your money. Here's a 'Ken Lay Is Still Alive' t-shirt for your trouble."

And thus you get:
"Black investors have focused on real estate and have not incorporated the stock market to the same degree as their white counterparts," said Lisa Toppin, director of human resources and diversity programs for Schwab.
You can take my HD, but you can't take my home. Hard to argue with that logic. We can only hope time continues on and we learn that Ashton "Jim Crow" Kutcher is not going to Punk us for our savings/legacy.

Race Savings Gap [Washington Post]
(thanks for the cartoon)

Friday, July 14, 2006

Dave Chappelle Is Dead. Long Live Chappelle.

So if you didn't see this, the final three episodes of Chappelle's Show, which are apparently far from "Lost", are available on the internet. Defamer and blogger Jackson West are on leak detail.

Meanwhile, over at the dead-frog they have one of the episodes up via you-tube, leading off with the sketch that Dave Chappelle told Anderson Cooper was the one that really triggered his feelings of social responsibility.

Here's the Anderson Cooper segment/video on CNN.

I don't think any of this is really new. The Chappelle "I'm Not Crazy" Tour has pretty much been the same show, and seen by everyone who's interested at this point. But it's probably time for it to stop, as the inevitable backlash (the only things certain in this world are death, taxes, and haterade) is starting to build. No one wants to hear about a guy turning his back on 50 million the way Chappelle did for too long. It's sort of like Diddy's Making The Band 2, where no one wanted to hear these kids, especially Dylan, "complain" about particular aspects of what overall looks like an incredible opportunity that just about anyone would love to have, and just about no one will.

I can understand being tired of the schpiel, and maybe I've sipped too much of the Chappelle Kool-Aid, but the apparently growing sentiment that Chappelle's an asshole who needs to grow up is incredibly short-sighted and reeks of jealousy. Let's go over Ray Richmond's points:

#1: "I watched the first of three 'Chappelle's Show: The Lost Episodes' installments Sunday night on Comedy Central, and here's my take: It's funny, but not as funny as the first two seasons were." -- You've already lost me here, right out the gate. I saw the first episode and it wasn't as funny as the last two seasons. First off, obviously everyone's going to be looking at the show with an extra air of scrutiny. Second, a season has 3-5 sketches, a season might have 50 or more.

#2: He says he was initially understanding of the situation, "But once it became clear that Chappelle was not in fact returning, my attitude began to turn." -- If you're in fact understanding and empathetic, you don't turn it off when they do something you don't like. If a drug addict, or someone who has some cyclical problem (don't we all?) falls down or fucks up somehow, you don't turn on them. Or at least not if you're family or a good friend and care about the person. We were all unhappy to see Chappelle's Show go, but no need to turn sour on the guy for it.

#3: "He just held court last week with Anderson Cooper on CNN and continued to find fresh new ways of saying essentially nothing." -- As I mentioned before the I'm-not-crazy tour is getting old, but after seeing Chappelle say "essentially nothing" over again, it's clear to me that obviously he's still wrestling with the issues. And faced with the overwhelming pressure of needing to provide the media some "definitive answers" (lest they call him a crackhead instead of confused) he has to say something. I find his interviews feel like he's going through a repeated series of breakups with different girls, girls that he liked, but has to part with, for reasons he's unsure about. In that situation, you might hem and haw, and try to explain your philosophy on life and love. But if you ask the girl, she'd probably be annoyed and say you offered "essentially nothing." Meanwhile the guy feels he's saying a lot, he's baring his soul.

#4: "The truth is that Chappelle let down a lot of people who depended upon him and his show for their living." -- this is the start of the choicest graf, where I think we find the "jealous ones envy" reveal, "I personally know a lot of people who can't find work and struggle to make ends meet, and here's a guy who has it all and chucks it seemingly on a whim." -- first off, before chappelle's show became a beast, what were these people doing for a living? My guess is you're not going to find any people talking about how they wish they never got involved with Chappelle's Show in the first place. Two seasons of work is a lot more than other get, and there's probably no great programming on television more reliant on the talents of one person (including 24, since keefer madness doesn't write). If you're trying to get to hollywood from NY, and you're walking, and I'm driving, and I offer you a ride, but can only take you part of the way, for whatever reason, you can't complain I didn't take you all the way. Fuck that. I'll take you back to where you started ni**a. Get to walking.

#5: "What irks me the most, however, is Chappelle's gall in acting as if he didn't really owe Comedy Central a thing." -- Clearly this guy is a talentless no-talent dweeb with no talent. The rest of the piece he basically talks about how Chappelle is violating a contract, and is treating the NETWORK Comedy Central poorly. Entertainers, artists, etc do not get big paydays handed to them. These are businesses. If Chappelle gets 50 million, rest assured he's made this company a lot more than that in ad revenue and dvd sales. Big scores like this are not like job interviews where you beat out the competition. These are thank you gifts. Thank you for making us a lot of money. If you gave someone fifty mill to do some work, and they just took it and said, "fuck you, i'm feeling a little foggy in my head, I'm gonna just chill with your money." you would do what you can to get the money back, and promptly sever ties with the asshole. If CC has legal options to force Dave's hand, they're not going to be the "bigger person" and say, " whatevs." But instead of that you have CC president Doug Herzog saying the door is still open. Why? Because Chappelle made him a lot of money, and could make him a lot of money again.

Here endeth the TAN-getting-in-Ray-Richmond's-ass part of the show.

I can definitely empathize with Dave, some of my content can make me feel a little awkward in certain contexts, and multiply that by Dave's platform and exposure and, voila, you're in africa wondering why you do what you do. If a white guy somehow finds the frequency that allows him to satirize and have fun with racial humor, and he blows up, at some point he'll have to start wondering if he's some sort of racist-monger or whatever. Dave's negroness allows him to do a show like this, but it doesn't exempt him from having a conscience. Obviously he loves what he does, he's been doing it more than half his life and he's not even 40. It's not a "work" thing, it's about your legacy. If you get ten million or one-hundred million, at that point it's not about the dollars, it's about you and your mark. And if your "gift" is to make spot-on racial sketches, and allow millions of people to feel at ease using the word, "bitches" and "ni**a" that could give you reason for pause. A very long pause. Don't hate cause he's rich and can do what he wants. We all want the same thing. Respect what got him into the position.

And with that, I think I hear the "wrap that shit up" music playing in the background. So I'm out ... bitches.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Give Me Your Derelicts, Your Racists, Your Semen-Connoisseurs Yearning To Read Free

Everyone likes to check out the google searches that lead to their site. For a long time I didn't really pay much attention to mine, but once I started looking I couldn't help but think of the poem on the Statue Of Liberty:
“Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
Yes, TAN is a refuge for immigrants. Since this is not an actual place, it appears this is a refuge for what we might call moral-immigrants. Or perhaps intelligence-immigrants. Yes, if you are a cigarette butt in the ashtray of american society, and you enter some question or sentiment into google that has been burning on your filter for years, you are more than likely to turn to TAN for the answers.

Here are fifteen google searches I found noteworthy, parentheticals are mine:
do black babies have larger penis (not too bad)

Is semen good to drink? (obvs!)

photos de el pene mas grande (who's bilingual bitches!)

My daughter does black dude (does she? how sweet of her)

Is semen good to eat (hmmm ... eat or drink? more of a metaphysical query)

my daughters having sex with a nigger (same parent from before, now a tad angrier)

Is Angelina jolie negro (as shakhira might say, "you know my lips don't lie")

Can sperm go through panties (better to just eat/drink it all)

Dating a bartender (**NORMAL!!** somebody flag this isp)

is it good for health if men drink their own semen? (strong enough for a man, but made for a woman)

Look at that jungle bunny run (uh-oh, looks like the parent got rid of that 'black dude' boyfriend)

horrible smells you can spray on (get the xmas shopping done early if you can)

fart a lot when I drink soy milk (excellent, also see above)

Negroes love big white butts (look at that jungle bunny run)

Crackheads (genius loves company)

Intelligent negro blog

The sophisticated negro blog
Obviously the last two bonus ones had to be terribly disappointed.


Somebody please save me or give me fifty million dollars before I go Chappelle-Crazy.

Spammer's Anonymous

Yo, spam is off the hook right now. They are penetrating every orifice, ... repeatedly. Hold the lube.

Gmail used to do a decent job. Not it appears the Gminchi Code has been cracked.

But I wonder about the people. Being a spammer is bad news right now. The only thing worse might be a pedophile. If Michael Jackson was a spammer instead of a children's-booty-toucher, I bet he'd be in jail right now. Even murder is a crime of passion, it has some grit and integrity to it. The word "spammers" has the same amount of letters as the words "devil worshippers." Ok, that's a lie. But what about the word "cowardice." Just take off the "e" for "ewww a spammer," and you're left with cowar-dic[k], or coward-ic[k] ... either way stay away.

I wonder if children who pray for their kids not to be drug dealers or end up in a coma would rephrase if they knew their child would end up a spammer instead.

There must be spammers among us, no? Riding in our subways, reading at our libraries, eating from our halal chicken-and-lamb vendors. Well no more white sauce and/or barbecue sauce for you spammer!! These days when I first meet people I look them square in the eye and word-for-word I always say, "hi, nice to meet you. unless you're a spammer. Are you a spammer?"

No one ever says yes.

I might, however, stop unsheathing my Hattori Hanzo sword when I pose the question ... I suspect some people are being less than honest.

Do you know any spammers? I bet you don't. Spammers don't come out the house. They don't have children. Or legs. They don't need sunlight. Or love.

What if the Uptown Leatherface was not attacking an innocent bystander, but an eternally damned spammer? Changes your perspective, no? Maybe the victim got a little full of himself and decided since it was three in the morning, he would share that he was a spam-artist (they don't like the term spammers). And then surprise surprise, Tareyton Williams, undoubtedly the owner of an e-mail account, went crazy, got a little bit of The Shining in him and decided that no mail and all spam makes the TW a power-sawing motherfcuker.

You never know.

Anyhoochie, this train of thought was triggered by the oddest spam message I've received in a while:
Subject: This is how I rob banks -- legally!
I 'm sorry, they got me with that one. *clickthrough*
Text: never thought it would be so easy. It's like robbing banks but you'll never go to jail!

So yeah, short story tall, I should be getting the manual in the mail in a couple weeks. I'll be sure to blog about it. It only cost me $500 and five UPC proof of purchase tags off of ... I don't know. [insert product here]

Maybe I'll send this post out to some companies, see if they want some product placement, to reach out to my depraved demographic.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Things That Would Make You "The Man" - #47

I once disagreed with Lindsay from Lindsayism (I also once told her "I'd like to lick her up and down" a la Silk (i swear was just joking L, trying to be that wacky TAN ...kinda-sorta. everyone enjoys Silk references, right?)) ... but I am in total agreement with her on the hot-like-fireness of this Bigfoot piano toy.

There's no question it's easier said than done, but if you were able to somehow work it out on a date so you end up playing Heart and Soul on one of these bad boys at the end of the night ... it's a wrap. GAME OVER. Just run those panties out on the laundry line so they can air out, the rest is in the bag.

Unless she thinks its gay/girly, in which case I recommend my bodyguard ...

(since we were speaking on manliness, maybe there's two kinds of girls, ones that would appreciate the Tom Hanks pimp-game, and, um, girls that are wack.)

Tom Hanks Shows You How To Be An Assimilated Pimp [you tube via Lindsay]
Manliness is a Mike's Hard Lemonade and Watching The Movie 'BIG' With A Girl Who Will Soon Meet 'The Young & The Restless' [TAN]

It's Better Than "Harry & The Hendersons"

I'm so excited!!!

I have a new nickname for my genitalia.

I am calling my balls The Young. And my TAN-tube The Restless. Together they are ....

The Young & The Restless

Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE


There's only one name for your genitalia this summer!
Talcum Badsmell, SPAHA OBSERVER

I thought it was kind of average myself!
Anonymous Bloupie, BLOUPIE WEAR DAILY

Finding That Manly Balance

Johnny Triangles had some interesting convo and links on the subject of manliness. I don't know how Maddox and his testament to testosterone never entered the conversation, but it still made me think about how manliness, for me, is a very yin-and-yang type of thing. There's a balance. I never get too far off the manliness trail, but I'm also never too firmly entrenched.

For example, I like girly drinks. Ketel 1 & Cranberry is my drink of choice. And it's primarily because cranberry tastes much better than vodka. I also prefer Mike's Hard line of beverages and Smirnoff Ices to Heineken, PBR, or Sam Adams.

But on the flip side, when I'm talking to a girl and she's disagreeing with me, I like to slap her real hard with the backside of my hand. Once if it's just a joke or something she didn't get. Twice if it's a serious matter.

So if that makes me some sort of girly-man metrosexual or something, so be it.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

A Tap Is Faster Than A Swipe When Writing As Well

The MTA is launching a new program that allows riders at certain stations to tap their way into our beloved subway system, instead of swiping.

When I first saw this program, I thought it was something where you'd have a sensor in your pocket, and it could be read anywhere, i.e. you didn't have to do anything, just walk through like EZ-Pass, or a metal detector. But now that I know they're counting on the difference between a tap of a card and the swipe of a card to reduce commute time, well shoot, I might just go ahead and take a second shower before work. Maybe catch a movie. Start a blog. The possibilities are endless.

And certainly if you were trying to escape the New York version of Leatherface in The Subway Power-Saw Massacre, you would be quite appreciative of those precious additional nano-seconds.

I happen to use Citibank and the 4,5,6 line, which are current requirements for smartcard use, so I should get to try this out soon and figure out exactly how much time we'll be saving. Both Citibank and the MTA are renowned for their cost-effective efficiency, so I'll probably bring an egg-timer or build a sundial (yes, underground) to measure the difference.

Faster Than A Tapping Smart Card
'Leatherface Light' Terrorizes Subway Riders [TAN]

I thought the program was one where you buy a special card, one that you tap instead of swipe, and thus my tongue-in-cheekery above. Now having been out and seen the system, it is speedier, essentially it allows you to use your debit or credit card right at the turnstile. So speed is definitely a plus, security on the other hand is another question ... except for me.

Monday, July 10, 2006

So, How Do You Like Your Racism???

I like mine big, bold, and in your face. Like this:

I think right around the time the movie Crash was out, racism was cold. Kind of like heterosexuality during the Brokeback Fever days. Crash needed better racism, Chappelle's Show was in production purgatory, Carlos Mencia sucks ... there were very few outlets for some good hot-ass racism. But this picture/ad, and the return of Chappelle's Show gives hope that racism is back. It is en vogue. Thank heavens. I thought I was never going to feel comfortable wearing my vintage distressed designer Jim Crow Jeans again.

That said, I don't think Al, Jesse, Spike, and the rest of the Race Regulators are going to likey. I'd bet my seersucker shorts that the Ku Klux Ad-company responsible is going to feel some heat over this. And I'm definitely surprised Sony is going with it. Must be because they, like me, feel these young hipsters are from the "racism is dead" generation. It might very well be impossible to offend minorities under a certain age with race rigamarole, but they do still have to answer to the old-fogies who will surely have a problem with the platinum blonde amazon from Caucasia manhandling Tracy Chapman.

bits&bytes has the full series of pics. There is one where amazon-women dominates, another where Chapman is winning, and another where the dominant position is more ambiguous. He also has a link to Sony response to the hubbub the campaign has caused.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Contemporary Mugging Tactics 101

They say mice get smarter, and therefore, if you want to catch them, you have to build a better mousetrap. It's natural evolution.

And with people being so well informed on how to avoid and defend themselves against being mugged, it stands to reason that eventually muggers would find a better "mug-trap," if you will. Knives, guns, and saying, "give me your money, or the goat gets it" in a low raspy menacing voice just doesn't cut it like it used to.

Enter the hand-held power saw ... for when you absolutely positively must have the person's wallet, keys, and any other belongings.

And if you don't believe me, ask Michael Steinberg who was attacked, on the subway, by a man with TWO power saws. He did not crack wise. He did not try to negotiate.

The Evolution of Mugging
[BBC News]
How Do You Assist Against the Power Saw Attack?

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Kill The White People

In honor of independence day, we hand it off to the legendary Eddie Murphy for the always appropriate anthem, "Kill The White People."

Ahhhh, they just don't make 'em like they used to.

(hit me up if you want the mp3 for your ipizzy. It's such a versatile song, works for all occasions.)
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