Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Children Say The Darndest Things, Like, That Janitor Guy Over There Raped Me... Psyche!

these letters and words can be found in the exact same order, today, on The Okay

So how was your week last week?

Were you just doing your job until some 8-year-old girl you never saw before accused you of repeatedly raping her and had you escorted from work in handcuffs and subsequently shipped out to Riker's Island for a few days all before anyone could realize the child was lying?

No? Oh, then your week was probably better than Francis Evelyn, 58, who spoke out over the weekend after having an 8-year-old girl who attends the school he works at put him through her version of Hell Week. After hearing Francis recap the experience, and the Principal tell his side of the story, it all seems to play out like some nightmarish version of Punk'd. So to help you digest the case of The Fake Rapist we present the cast of characters, and the critical Punk'd scenes along with director's notes.

Our two principal characters:

Mr. Evelyn, our mark, is married with a daughter, goes to church regularly, has no criminal record, and has worked at the same Brooklyn school for over 19 years with no questionable reports. In other words, the perfect profile for a child molester.

An 8-year-old girl, who may or may not be Dakota Fanning going undercover to study for her new role. The girl has a history of false sexual abuse allegations, cites the most heavily-trafficked bathroom in the school as the location of the attacks, and would provide multiple conflicting reports on the identity of the attacker(s). In other words, the perfect profile for a credible accuser.

In our cast we have Principal Solomon Long (someone tell him it's fine to rock the maroon "school pride" sweatshirt, but wearing the pants to complete the maroon sweat suit look is against too-cool-for-school policy); the girl's retarded and irresponsibly devoted mother; and of course the police, detectives, and real rapists in Riker's Island.

Scene 1: TroubledGirl complains to her mom about abuse. Says it's a student, then says it's a balding white man, then upon seeing Francis Evelyn, neither a student or white, id's him as the attacker.
Notes: Make sure mother remains inexplicably supportive of daughter's wavering credibility. That's what #1 moms are for. If she drops the ball this prank goes nowhere.

Scene 2: The police immediately handcuff Mr. Evelyn and take him to the station.
Note: Make sure the police don't explain anything to Evelyn. Also, make sure they don't ask one single question. The girl said he did it. Lock him up! Can't wait to see the look on his face, ha!

Scene 3: Detectives act like they're in a movie and treat Evelyn like he's some hardened criminal. They even tell him there's DNA evidence against him to extract a confession, even though the girl would show no signs of physical abuse.
Note: This is brilliant.

Scene 4: Put him in jail for a couple days. Send him to Riker's, where the not-actually-a-raper can become the actually-raped.
Note: Love the raper becomes the raped angle here, we might want to use that in the teaser preview. It's so funny, cause he didn't actually do anything. HA!

Scene 5: After all that Francis will probably be fed up, this is when we'll have Borat, Ashton Kutcher, the prosecuting attorneys come out and say, "Francis Evelyn, you just got PUNK'D!! HAHAHA!!!"

And there you have it kiddies (the kind who don't lie and send people to jail), the greatest practical joke ever!!

(On the real tip though, Francis Evelyn has been splashed all over the media in pics and on tv, but there is no identification or picture of the girl. They probably want to protect the child, but isn't it only fair to give her the same publicity? Pragmatically speaking, people need to know what she looks like just in case a little girl with a police entourage starts randomly accusing them of sex crimes.)

Anyrape, we're sure if Frances thinks about this he'll see the funny. Plus, everyone wants to be on tv. Lucky bastard.


  1. Anonymously kevjohn3/27/2007

    What an eerie coincidence. This exact same thing happened to me once.
    Oh wait, no it didn't. If it had I wouldn't be alive to tell the story, because I would have killed this little bitch, her parents, and as many of those cops as I could before they took me out.

  2. we should all get together and rape that child. who's with me???

  3. This is insane. I have tried to tell people that children can lie about things like this and they don't ever want to believe me. Maybe I should stop teaching, it seems like this might turn into an epidemic. "My teacher gave me a bad grade, let's accuse her of rape. That'll teach her." Yep, time for a career change. I am over it.

  4. Anonymous3/29/2007

    Reminds me of that South Park episode where the kids figure out they can get their parents taken away if they only call the police and say they "molestered" them. :P

  5. I know that children are the future and all that...but I think the weird children-as-angels/perfect-examples-of-God thing that happens here contributes to this kind of hysterical reaction to otherwise hard-to-prove claims.

    One quibble with the above: in the description of each person, you mention that he was church-going and married with a daughter, ergo "perfect profile for child molester." Since the next 'graph ends with a similar structure about the child and ends with "perfect profile for a credible witness," I'm assuming in both cases you were being facetious.

    However, from what I've seen, aren't "church-going" and/or "married with children" things that child molesters frequently are? The no reports of abuse thing is a good example of why he should not have been an easy target. But I guess - if this is what you were trying to say - the assumption that "church-going/married" = "more morally upright" I don't think is actually regularly borne out by reality.


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