Tuesday, January 10, 2006

An Open Letter From A Black Guy To His Average-Sized Penis

Dear average-sized penis,

Ugh. I don’t really know how to say this. We’ve been in and around so much together. And I really do appreciate the effort you’ve put in thus far. But I’m sure you have sensed my growing disappointment over the years. I guess the bottom line is I expected you to be a lot more at this point. I keep waiting for you to grow up, but you never do.

Remember when we were both little and I used to check you for signs of growth like every day. Then I started growing, but for some reason you stayed pretty much the same. I checked to make sure you were connected to my body properly, receiving all the blood and vitamins, and I even asked the doctor if there was a problem. He sort of coughed and stifled a chuckle and said, “sometimes penises just stay a certain size.”

Oh the tears that were shed that day. I cried and cried and cried. I cursed you, and banged you against the door. It was meant to be a punishment, but you went and got excited. When you’re excited you’re much more presentable. I begged you to stay that size forever, just without the horizontal/vertical lift. But we were never able to get that kind of synergy going. Even if we could keep you at the size you are right before you’re excited, and right after, that would be cool too. I don’t know if I’ve told you that before, so I’m telling you now.

What’s that? Look, I don’t want to hear it. Yeah, maybe if you were on a white guy, or an asian guy, or a girl, your reputation would be a lot better at this point. You might be a little more "remarkable." But the fact of the matter is you’re on a black guy, and you are underachieving.

I guess I could do my part and cut down on the whole alpha-male shit-talking. Telling girls your nickname is “The Pulverizer” is probably setting you up for failure. But what should I say your nickname is, “average joe johnson,” or “okey-dokey pokey,” those kinds of names end the game before it even begins.

What would help is if you learned some tricks or something. Like if you learned to talk* (French would be pretty sexy), or if you winked that one eye you have, or even did some sort of weird dance, like “the snake” or something like that. I’m sure that would distract from your so-so physique and give the girls something to talk about.

Cause truth be told, I personally could care less about your size and such. If it were just me, smaller might be better, that way you wouldn’t get in my way when I’m trying to scratch my balls. But ultimately, it’s all about impressing the ladies. You know they’re going to talk, and we want to give them something to talk about. When Dolly Parton Bonnie Raitt sings that song, you’ll notice there is no mention of a black guy with an average-sized penis. That’s not something to talk about.

So I don’t know. Please take this to heart (or to scrotum, whatever translates for you). It looks like you and I are in this together for the long haul, and it’s about time we started communicating. I know you hate the disappointed slump of the shoulders when you come out as much as I do. So let’s work on it. Let’s figure something out.

The ball(s) is(are) in your court. Maybe we can discuss it during kegels tomorrow.

You know where to reach me.

Respectfully submitted,

A black guy (not necessarily named TAN)

* I know it seemed like you talked earlier in this piece, but you didn't, that was just me acting like you were talking.

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  1. It's actually Bonnie Raitt, not Dolly Parton. And don't worry, it's there, on a little-heard alternate version: "People are talking, talking 'bout penises, black men with average-sized ones!"

  2. Anonymous1/10/2006

    TAN, you know I love you but it kills me that you think Dolly Parton sings "Something to Talk About", It's Bonnie Raitt. I strongly recommend her album, Luck of the Draw. And I recommend nothing by Dolly.

    And MUST men name their penis?? A man who doesn't name his penis would impress the pants off of me...

  3. Anonymous1/10/2006

    oh TAN. it's not the size of the blog, its the ... I don't know. if i was a writer, with a good blog, I'd probably come up with something funny there...

  4. I've edited, but are you sure dolly doesn't have a version also? I actually thought it was a song performed by a lot of country artists ...

  5. Anonymous1/10/2006

    you know TAN, average is ok. average might be preferred to big. and definitely to small. average is more conducive for oral.

    i can't believe I just wrote that.

  6. Anonymous1/10/2006

    I'll take you and your average sized penis any time. smart and funny and hot trumps supremely endowed every day of the week.

    (well except maybe Sunday)

  7. ali - haven't read it. not sure if I want to. may look for the cliff notes, so to speak.

    the comments are piling up disturbingly fast in response to this. And I like how everyone says its all good, and then adds a caveat.

    ah, the caveat...

    I just hope everyone notices the strikethrough next to the signature, cause I don't know nothing about this. my responsibilities here are strictly administrative.

  8. LMAO! "average Joe Johnson" indeed. This post made my morning.

    What's that quote... "It's not the size of the ship that makes the waves; it's the motion of the ocean." Rock on, average guy! 8-)

  9. It's definitely Bonnie Raitt. Also, my karoke song.

  10. Anonymous1/10/2006

    guys bang their thing on a door?

    you guys are funny.

    and to think all we really want is a cuddle ...

  11. Somehow I don't think this would work from a female perspective.

    "Dear too small vagina- why can't you handle hung men?"

  12. Being well endowed is highly, highly overrated. Consider yourself lucky.

  13. Brilliantly funny, TAN!

    Have you studied the Kama Sutra? I believe men and women are each classified into three classes of animals according to the size of their lingams and yonis. The mismatches are troubling, but there are good matches at all size levels. Just try to avoid traveling to Mammoth Cave, just as I always avoid the anaconda.

  14. Anonymous1/10/2006

    white dade, speak for yourself...

  15. Anonymous1/10/2006

    Hilarious yet enlightening. While it's great for society to break stereotypes and change people's minds, it's probably better personally to live up to the name "The Pulverizer".

    Luckily, I have the best of both worlds, as I am known as a "grower, not a shower." Because pleasing the ladies is important, but being able to scratch your balls is very important.

  16. Anonymous1/10/2006

    betty - it can definitely apply from a woman's perspective as well. it's just about a match. if you have a small vag and a small penis, that's can be fine. and of course big on big is fine. but big on small in either direction is poor.

  17. wow...you too? I thought I was the only brotha with a pitiful pecker! hooray... maybe it's the water in soundview...

  18. Anonymous1/10/2006

    My, my, my...the comments certainly are piling up, aren't they?

    It appears that TAN (or not TAN) has hit a chord of some kind. Interesting, no?

  19. Just hold out for a tight little tart like myself.

  20. This reminds me of some comment spam that Jen Dzuria got
    . In any case, in my experience, the average guys get way more head & anal (and without a second thought).

  21. Anonymous1/11/2006

    Hmm, a Negro with a relatively well developed consciousness.. Do you happen to have european ancestry?

  22. Anonymous1/11/2006

    TAN, don't worry some girls prefer brains over penal brawn. Whatever the size...its the skillz that count...

  23. ali - grower, not a shower ... I like that

    Rune - ain't NOBODY here say nothing about no "pitiful pecker" ...

    jumper - interesting indeed ...

    everyone else - word and/or holla!

  24. more nicknames:

    bush-league loin
    no-prize package
    garden-variety snake

  25. Gilrynyc makes the point I was trying to. Being big, there are certain places a girl will just not go with you. Which makes finding an acceptable partner difficult. Although I suppose it beats the alternative.

  26. Anonymous1/15/2006

    It looks like you and I are in this together for the long haul.

    Sounds like you two are actually in it together for the short haul.

  27. Lord, the dude did NOT just advise his wing-wong to bust out into the SNAKE!!!

    I'm thinking that trick might put the freeze on any kind of under-the-cover activities you were partaking in up to that point. Just, uh, proceed with caution.

  28. Anonymous1/31/2006

    possibly the funniest blog I have ever read! Keep your head up...um..well... you know what I mean. LOL

  29. Anonymous2/01/2006

    I know that you and me and all men are obsessed with size. I'd rather be able to last as long as I wanted versus being huge. I mean what good is it to be a hung like a horse and at the very same time a two-pump chump? I won't even get into STDs...

  30. Anonymous2/18/2006

    Muchos amusement.

    But all things considered - women really WOULD prefer average over large.

    I firmly believe (as do all my female friends) that it was a man who perpetuated the myth that bigger is better - BS! It can bloody hurt!

  31. Tad,

    Found you through a blogtree, which was definitely worth the climb. Thanks for the laughs.


  32. Anonymous3/02/2006

    i'm drawing a blank on more names to add, but i do have a saying simiar to a previous comment...

    "its not the size of the ship, its the motion of the ocean.............but it would take a long ass time to get to Europe in a row boat."

    (USA as the starting point)

    *cant remember who said it

  33. Anonymous3/04/2006

    white woman whom has had the pleasure of making love with four black men, categorized as extremely large, above average, average, and smaller than average. mr extremely large does not have to expend much effort to please, but, on occasion, he's been asked to take it easy. was very apprehensive about anal, but, with patience and time, it did happen and was most enjoyable. the above average man and the smaller than average man both strive diligently to please and succeed. have also done anal with the smaller than average man and enjoyed it more so than with the extremely large man. the average man is just that -- average, yet perfectly adequate. have found that black partners typically get more into sex than the previous white partners ever did (not a slam against white men, but black men have a certain rhythm about them that really does it 4 me). plus, the contrast of black skin against white skin is a big turn-on. highly recommend u vanilla ladies out there try some chocolate at least once. ;o)

  34. Anonymous3/20/2006

    Have you read the book HUNG by Scott Poulson-Bryant? That's were i have heard the "grower not a shower". Best book ever, well at least in my opinion. Talks about the same thing plus the representation of black men in sports, movie, music etc.

  35. Anonymous6/16/2006

    Just wrote a post about this and was referred to your post.

    Great minds think alike...

  36. Anonymous6/17/2006

    Hey man, there really is such a thing as TOO big. I've laid on my back and gasped at every in-stroke and thought to myself, "I will survive this."

    Also choaty (sarah) is right, average is much more condusive to oral.

  37. Anonymous7/27/2006

    I agree that there IS a point of diminishing returns. I don't claim that my lovers are a representative sample, but I have observed a range in size among black and white guys, with black men being on average a bit longer. The two obscenely huge and thick ones I have personally been confronted with, however, belonged to skinny white guys. They were fun to look at, but on both occasions I did my best to satisfy the guys in ways that did not involve penetration, then told them that perhaps we should just be friends.

  38. I am so glad that there is no one living next to me...because I am sure they could have come-a-knockin'!

    This was so funny. See you and millions of other men, including black men are walking around (easily, I might add) with these Millimeter Peters.

    I gotz to say I want a Monsta...one of those brothas that has and could pay the mortage with his THIRD LEG. I will take it....I will marry that man today! (I am not even sure if I want to get married).

    Here is some advice...have a strong back, eat a clean vagina, and get use to buying, purchasing AND mastering sex toys...then with an average one...you can't be a jerk, fat, ugly, or broke.

    Just like most fat girls, can't be broke, ugly, nasty, or bitchy at the same time. You can't afford another negative characteristic....costs too much all da way around (no pun intended).

    I love this post...maybe not your average "friend"...thank him too, for the inspiration to write this!

  39. Anonymous8/28/2006

    C'mon! Did everyone miss the point of the Dolly "mistake"? Big tits as a corollary to...well, whatever.


  40. Anonymous11/22/2006

    lol. yea, it can be hard bein a black man who doesnt live up to the sterotypes (being one myself). my ish isnt small, a decent 6 in. but bein black, i always have in the back of my mind that bein bigger would improve things.

    well, i was wrong. i never had any complaints in performance. chicks i'm wit stay reachin for my ish. some call it big. definately girls say bigger than most of the oens they encountered (surprising for me) not to mention when it comes to 4play, i'm a king ^_^

    basically, i guess havin a big dick means nothing if a) no chick will give u the time of day, and b) u cant use it. so me bein sexy/cute/handsome, funny, smart, and caring (all of which ahve been said about me) means i get mroe ass than a monster cock anyday ^_^

    power to average black men!!

  41. Anonymous12/29/2006

    be happy with your penis; so you're bigger than most white guys but smaller than most black guys. So your place of comfort rests on the hispanic playing field. Rejoice brother!!! Mamacita booty!

  42. Anonymous3/18/2007

    "Don't want no short, short man......unless the motion in the ocean is PERFECTION!"

  43. Anonymous3/28/2007

    Important Information about perceived penis size:

    If you have big hands and hold him, he will look small, even if he is large.

    Average--men need to know that average, I think, is 5.5 in. erect, base to tip, measured on the UNDERSIDE: closest to the testicles and perineum, etc. No jokes about singularities, please :o).

    The size of a flaccid penis is NO indication of how large a man is when he is very happy--which is the only time when penis size really counts.

    ocean, motion, scmotion: Take it from a woman who got around (before AIDS--aah those were the days) It's the consideration you give your partner; let her know that you aren't supposed to 'guess' what she wants, even if that is her fantasy it is unrealistic. But paying attention to what you are doing and what the response is can make each time better and better, even if she won't tell you what she wants!

    Be a sexual 'scientist'--research, observe, gather data, draw theories, test them, test them, test them--who knew that sixth grade scientific method stuff could be so FUN!!!

    Real satisfaction is almost ALWAYS boils down to how long you can last-- this of course can include foreplay, but there still should be a reasonable couple of minutes after penetration--really just a few minutes (4-15 is ideal).and this is fixable for ANY man...you can find info on this all over the place from reputable sex authorities. A man who says he can't help it is not trying the right strategies. REALLY. talk to your doc, try tantra, masturbate ahead of time, practice taking a long time when you are alone--whatever it takes.

    My husband is large enough that even after ED has reduced his full size, he is more than adequate, but he always compares flaccid penis size, and always relative to his own hands--I have big hands for a girl, but he still overflows, more than a handful (or a girl-full) is a waste.

    have fun, love the blog!

  44. Anonymous4/17/2007

    Wide, duration, and do I like you win every time over length of the ish.
    XO love your blog

  45. Anonymous5/23/2007

    As the late Frank Zappa once wrote, "Anything over a mouthful is wasted."

  46. lol, aw i think 'okey dokey pokey' is a cute name. but i guess 'cute' really isnt the word one wats to use to modify the word 'penis' *sigh* well...i guess it's off to learning tricks for you huh? :)

  47. lol this is funny, i really liked that. please don't read my pathetic blog lol i just started this one even though i've been on blogger for 5 years :)

  48. OMG, you're slaying me.

    Take it from a smaller statured girl, overly large penises are not my friends. ;)

  49. Anonymous6/23/2007

    That is something!!!

  50. Anonymous6/24/2007

    Dear Assimilated Negro,

    Size matters... but the real question is, What Size?...

    What a lot of people seem to miss is that WOMEN VARY IN SIZE DOWN THERE TOO.

    Case in point, I have a bisexual female friend who's told me that "eight inches and fat" is her minimum for a good time, penis-wise. However, as she is bisexual, its very possible that this is due to some lesbian fisting going on.

    Still, I have another friend who used to subscribe to the notion that "size didn't matter", and who actually found pictures of men with large penises repulsive (Playgirl)... until she finally had sex with a guy who had one.

    The gent in question (who, going against sterotype, half Asian, half white) was something like ten inches and thick. My friend stated that it was "the best sex she ever had" and "so much better than an average size guy." Apparently 'motion of the ocean' did not enter into it. When asked specifically why the sex was so good, she flat out said, "Because he had a huge dick. And its a lot more likely to rub on certain things", i.e. her clit.

    So now you're thinking, aw shit, it is only about having a monster schlong. But wait, going the other way...

    ... I knew a very cute girl in college, white, who had a bad experience getting hurt during sex by a guy with too big a dick. Said dick was 5 inches, and skinny, according to her. Apparently, she preferred them even smaller than that. Why? Because SHE was small down there too. So small dicks were her thing.

    Yeah, yeah, you say. But women can have BABIES through there, you say. They could handle having sex with a farm animal if they had to, right?

    Well, yes and no. The vagina can stretch tremendously, sure. But, you gotta remember, childbirth is an extremely UNPLEASANT, PAINFUL and TRAUMATIC experience for a woman, and one that her body spends nine months preparing for. Jane Average, unless she's spend some time with large sex toys preparing herself, is not going to have a great time with a monster dick. But Jane Large Vagina will, as my friend did.

    I myself am strong side of average... a bit thicker than normal, but average length. Sex with my current girlfriend is difficult sometimes... she is smaller than average, so things like lots of foreplay are important, and sex can't go on for too long. Nice problem to have you might say, but really, it isn't optimal. If she was a bit larger down there, we could have more spontaneous, jump-right-into it sex sometimes, and it could go on for a good, long time.

    In short, your 'problem' may be less of a problem than you think... unless you run into Jane Cavern, who has a huge vagina.

    Finally, I do get that, as a black man, you're expected to have a huge dick. It's a silly expectation, based more on racist fears than reality. Sure, I'm willing to buy that the myth has a grain of truth... I played high school basketball, and there and at my gym I see black guys nude all the time. And some of them are somewhat impressive, but I see no evidence of the 'dick down to the knees' syndrome. The only guy I ever saw like that was a short Latino dude, ironically (who went as far as to shave naked to show it off, lol).

    Basically, it seems that black guys are slightly longer, on average, and not significantly thicker. Not really a big deal, but the expectations are. If you're really concerned about it, all you can really do is lose weight (assuming you have some weight to lose), as for every 35 pounts overfat you are, you lose one inch of length due to your bone being covered up by the fat pad.

    In the end though, it only really matter much to some women, probably women who are large down there. You're not a good match for them anyway, so why should you care about them? And things like how handsome you are matter a lot more anyway... just ask some ladies.

    Sorry if you feel bad that you don't live up to the fantasy. But the fantasy isn't real anyway, in the vast majority of cases, and is based on fear and hatred. So why should you care about it much, if at all? :\

  51. This is got to be the worst, most CONTRIVED attempt at bland, politically correct humour I've seen in a long time. And that's saying a lot.

    Please tell me you didn't spend more than ten minutes writing this dreck. If you're going to take a stab at humour, please make it funny. Put some effort into it. I'm not asking much.

  52. I don't know why, but I love this letter. It sums up so much and even made me laugh. I think I will keep this letter for my son just in case. I never realized men really had "problems" with their penis.

  53. Dear Assimilated Negro,
    Holy crap. I laughed so hard at this post. Well said.

    If only the old addage of "grower, not a shower" were introduced to you at an earlier age...

    I look forward to reading more of your blog.

    -S.E. www.sapphire-ize.blogspot.com

  54. That was great!! You sure do have some talented writing skills. I truly enjoyed it!

  55. Ok, I'll be #58 comment, here, geez!! Average white girl here, had some experience with a VERY LARGE black man once upon a time, and all I could say was OUCH!!! Had to keep him "back" some to keep from damaging the inner workings. My average size guy now is big enough for me, is much much more condusive to oral.
    I loved your letter, and laughed a lot at some of the comments, thanks!

  56. I thought this was a great post. I too am a grower not a shower and have had to deal with not having that "show stopper" dick you may see in a porno or something. The thing is I got a nice dick and know how to work it. Us "average" guys need to get past it. Besides someone gave me a good piece of advice way back. I turned it into a motto...what my dick can't do my lips(or tongue really) can.

  57. This post gets right to the problems of being a guy with brown skin. You sit in the pub with a table full of guys and then suddenly one of them asks whether it's true what they say about black guys. I always used to answer that I wouldn't know as my dad's white. However, when I next used the gent's one of them would follow me and talk about something or other at the stand up urinal and take a quick look at my wares so that he could report back to everyone else.

    The truth about my size is...I'll let you know next time we're at a stand up urinal.

  58. loved this post!!! and particularly "okay dokey pokey" totally killed me!

    here's my take on it, if you hook up with asian chicks, chances are you'll come across more than average. they are er... well as the french say... "petit" in more ways than one!

  59. Anonymous8/17/2007

    Being Well Hung is Over rated

    Signed Mr.Marcus

  60. Anonymous9/26/2007

    Hey Man, I feel you. As a black man, I feel the same way. When I was young, I thought that every adult had a big penis. Boy, I was wrong. While I am above average, I still would like one a little bigger, and for me, these phrases like the one about the ocean and a boat, do not make me feel any better. I would feel better with a bigger one. I think that I have a rather nice one, but a little more size would be great. Girls do not have a problem with it, but I do. This is great stuff, and you are not alone.

  61. As a half-black guy, I feel compelled to share this anecdote:

    Generally, if I tell a smartass that I'm half-black, he/she looks at my midsection, raises an eyebrow, and says, "Which half?" Of course, the translation is, "Are you black in the penis?"

    And the answer is no. I too have an average-sized dong, but why is that something to be ashamed of. Average is exactly that. But the black penis has become a belitting monster of gargantuan proportions and it needs to stop. I just don't want to be the guy that stops it, because if I call out the myth people just look at me, look at my midsection, and say, disappointed, "So you don't have a monster, then." I believe in the cause, but I will not be martyred for the cause.

  62. Anonymous1/20/2008

    the whole "alabama black snake" idea is an inaccurate urban myth. on average all men regardless of race run between 5.5-6 inches. however of the .01% of men that have "very large" units, SLIGHTY more black men are reported. its my belief that the myth derives from the flaccid state, whereas black men average .5 in more length but no difference in girth.

  63. Anonymous1/20/2008

    its reported that the only group of men besides porn actors to have significantly larger penises on average are....you ready for this? Gay Men!

  64. And I thought I was the only guy who wrote letters to his penis.

  65. Anonymous4/06/2008

    OMG why would any woman want to have sex with something called "The Pulverizer"!! Average is OK, but you gotta make up for your shortcoming...so to speak. Work the fingers and the tongue.

  66. Anonymous4/20/2008

    Dude, You're awesome. If you're worried, marry a small girl with low experience and she'll never know the difference. And if she's happy, she won't care anyway.

  67. Guess it's time to pay a visit to Dr. Frankenpeen's blog...http://Frankenpeen.blogspot.com

  68. Anonymous9/17/2008

    LMAO... thank you kindly, TAN. In my eyes, you'll always have a 10-incher when it comes to your funny bone.

  69. I will take “okey-dokey pokey” if you make me laugh like you just did while I was reading your post. I love it

  70. GREAT writer by the way ;)

  71. Anonymous1/16/2009

    haha well thanks for the credit although i think i stole it from someone else as well :) nice list!

  72. g-girl5/04/2010

    hiLARious!!! Great post, and a worthwhile issue for discussion, too. I love all the comments.

    Here is my two cents: I call average penises "pleasers" and that's for a reason! Big ones are overrated (for me anyway). I've experienced a few and they hurt.

    So here's a new name to add to the list. What you have is a PLEASER :))

  73. Anonymous1/31/2011

    I too believe that when Gozer the Gozarian asked Dr. Ray Venkman, “Are you a God?” He should have responded “YES” as Winston Zeddemore later suggested. (Yes, I’m speaking in gibberish references to a early-80s-comedy about Ghost Busting) The fact of the matter is, all of us (even hell-spawned-mega-demon-kings) respond to the preconceived schemas we have built in our minds/beliefs… I.E., in my experience as a black male, if you portray yourself as believing yourself as large (when only mildly above average), others do as well. Hence, you come to have the demeanor and confidence that belies your and other’s perceptions, rather than actual size.


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