Friday, September 29, 2006

Where's My Check???

Lawyers for slave descendants asked a federal appeals court Wednesday to revive a landmark reparations case that demands 17 of the nation’s insurers and banks publicize and pay for their roles in the country’s slave trade. ...

If the reparations advocates succeed, the companies will have to account for the income they earned from slavery, produce historical records and give up the profits earned from slavery. The damage awards would be used to create a court-supervised fund to help fix problems in the black community.

JP Morgan Chase has acknowledged it owned 1,200 slaves in Louisiana and accepted 13,000 others as collateral before slavery was abolished in 1865.

Lawyers pushing for the compensation said Wednesday the current day “market value” of the company-owned slaves would be at least $850 million.

Slave descendants attempt to revive reparations [MSNBC]

I Don't Like It Unless It's Brand New

Song I've been bumping. Features Kanye & Rhymefest. TAN will have some brand new ish coming soon ...

MP3 File

Scoreboard Dating

Towards the end of this bit on friends, family and face-farting I started talking about the idea of Scoreboard Dating.

To repost with some minor editing:

A man and a woman, who are both best friends and lovers, is probably the maximum use of all our human faculties. Why do we have this conscious mind? Maybe so girls and guys can play head games. Well, not so much headgames, as much as men trying to rationalize the irrational. But it all keeps us mentally sharp. All these arguments are just mental sparring sessions. Every guy knows after trying to win a fight with his lady, a meeting with the boss is nothing. When you're married, the house is your private dojo, and the rest of the world is a battlefield. Never forget you are a Social Samurai.

I once dated a girl and tried to playfully communicate this premise in our relations. We naturally formed this hyper-competitive dynamic where we bickered over every little thing. It was endearing initially. I started keeping score. After one argument, I said TAN – 1, Girl – 0. Then we bickered over the scoring system and rules of the game. Anyways, at some point around TAN – 238 Girl – 4 I stopped keeping track. No one wants to be reminded of big blowouts. And the scoreboard became a symbol of my waning attention span. Like any game, you lose interest if one side is dominating the other.

So that opponent has passed, but the scoring system remains, and as long as a lady can hold her own on the field, then we most assuredly have a game to play.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Free John Forté

I was looking up information on Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" as fodder for another bit in The Assimilated Exchange. But I stumbled on the philosophical musings of a former friend, classmate, now incarcerated, John Forté.

I will have more to say on John; as he went from Exeter to NYU, to producing songs for The Fugees, to being sentenced to a mandatory minimum 14-years for drug possession and intent to distribute, to Carly Simon getting his story on ABC's "Primetime," he knows the path of The Assimilated Negro as well as anyone.

But for now, I invite you to check him out yourself. Prison has not dulled his mind, and his letters are thoughtful, evocative, and compelling.

I particularly enjoyed this letter on inspiration and "commitment to excellence":

And what’s with my recent affinity for Machiavelli? Not with his writings, per say, as much as his dutiful and legendary work habits. The man would commit at least four hours each and every day to his craft. (If this seems like a small feat, I implore any doubting deriders to do the same.)

Who of us would not rather spend a lazy summer afternoon in the company of friends, exchanging tall tales over even taller glasses of lemonade, than inside some crawlspace-of-a-room, practicing finger positions on an instrument older than grandma’s grandma?! Not the sexiest of thoughts, I know; yet anything less would fail to come anywhere remotely close to the neighborhood of the truth. Committing to excellence is, more often than not, not a sexy endeavor.

At the heart of our admiration for iconoclasts lies a simultaneous and compelling pity for them; for we know that they suffered during their quests for greatness. Perhaps their genius went unrecognized during their lifetimes. The isolation (necessitated by cultivation) might have alienated their peers and families. How often are social outcasts improperly denigrated as misanthropic because of society’s failure to accept what it does not understand?
more ...

The Assimilated Misanthrope? Well, while I try to take John's comments on work ethic to heart, and seek out the suffering on my "quest for greatness," please go check out John's site, his music, his words, his journey. Viva la TAN generación!!

Free John Forté
[official website]
John Forté's wiki

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

That's A Little More Than I Wanted To Pay, How Much For The Bargain Rack?

An amusing story here about a couple who gets jailtime "for charging a 74-year-old who suffers from dementia a total of 25,500 euros ($32,000) to enjoy the woman's breasts on 10 occasions."

(And no, the breasts do not belong to Shakira. She just asked me to post this in the spirit of things.)

In rendering his decision, Judge Hasse Hakki reveals his low-class hands have only handled clearance-caliber-cleavage, "Based on general life experience alone, it is indisputably clear that a 25,500 euro charge is disproportionate to the compensation in question."

Come on HH, you can do better than that baby. You need to get out and expand that "life experience" homey. My blog is so hot now, my hands don't even leave the Ketel & Cran unless the bra is holding a natural $100K. No bootleg bosom here. My manicured tips only tweak designer nips, feel me? And you're a judge, you got paper AND the law, so getting your hands on some high-priced hooters shouldn't be a problem.

Actually, I'm probably more like the cheap-ass trying to bargain-boob, "yo baby, yo baby, yo. How much for like three squeezes and half-a-jiggle? Two drinks you say? Hmmmmm ... well, I got $7.42 and happy hour is over. How about just a graze over with the back of my hand? Ok fine, side graze, no nipple. But I'm only giving you $7 then. Ok whatever, you can have the $0.42 also. But don't run away after. Let me linger a little ..."

Aside from that, you gotta love the challenge of determining proper compensation for a boob squeeze, or "titty ten-pack" as it were. Anyone got a good formula, equation, or spreadsheet out there?

Let's get these valuations and metrics poppin', so we can get to E-bayin', and start the squeezin'.

Court Says $32,00 Too Much To Fondle Bosom

Monkeys Will Pay To Look At Monkey Ass

Pick Tally: Week 3 So-So

Tough week, but we stay above .500 and go 8-6, to move to 18-12 on the season. And I lost games that everyone lost, Pittsburgh was a killer, Ravens were a killer, Cardinals, Pats.

I didn't lose the Saints game though.

Week 4 comes end of the week.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Pink Is The New Brownstone

A Brooklyn homeowner has given his multimillion-dollar Park Slope brownstone a fresh coat of hot-pink paint - and that's got outraged neighbors seeing red.
more ...
So some guy painted his brownstone pink. That's hot. Do your thing negro. I have hot-pink shorts.

The real story here is that this house was apparently inspiration for Gawker commenter Leon Freilich, who is contractually obligated to say everything on his mind in prose. He's now gotten plugs in the NY Times and the NY Daily News. Who said creative commenting on blogs couldn't get you anywhere in this world?

Back to the Fuchsia
[NY Daily News]
A Few Lines On Leon In The Times [ Gawker]

Caucasia Strikes Back, "We Use Nasty Washcloths Too!"

Well, the theory was white people don't use washcloths, and black folks do. But the caucasians have been sufficiently earnest enough in expressing that they, too, enjoy the scrubbing action of a nice, bacteria-laden, slimy washcloth.

Moreover PDaviddy burst my bubble in informing that Keef Keith is in fact a white Jewish guy who just happens to be very comfortable using the word "peeps." So I rescind the smack threat and just say, "CHALLAH!"

CSI is still on the case, but between this and mayo (see comments), it does seem the racial divide is closing. *cue music*

For the record, I used a washcloth until I entered "the program." But even out the womb, I have always enjoyed my sandwiches with mayonnaise.

Finally, I think the "soap bar is dirty" argument is absoutely ridiculous. But to end this on a right note, and show that you "what about the soap?" guys aren't alone, I'll end with a classic sketch from Chappelle's Show, Trading Spouses, where he touches on this very topic.

NFL Roundup: Week 3

We went 10-6 in Week 2. We might need that padding going into a tough Week 3. Disclosure: New York Giants fan


NY Jets (+6) @ Buffalo
- This is one of those you don't really want to watch. Should be fairly nasty. Makes it a tough call, I'll go with Buffalo to cover. But I'd prefer to stay away from it if possible.

Cincinnati (+1) @ Pittsburgh
- I was looking for the Bengals to have a "believing the hype" letdown in Cleveland. But on the road, with Pittsburgh coming off a tough loss to Jacksonville? Bengals are not going to 3-0. Steelers take this one.

Jacksonville (+7) @ Indianopolis
- Two 2-0 teams here. Indy stole one in NY, and then pooped on Houston last week. Jacksonville has won two games against tough competition at home. I think the health of Matt Jones plays a factor in this game. And if he's healthy I'll take the Jags and the points.

Tennessee (+11) @ Miami
- Titans look ridonkulous, but Miami is sorting stuff out also. They're not quite tuned up enough to be smacking teams by more than ten. Dolphins take the game, but Tennessee will stay in the ballpark. Take the points.

Washington (-4) @ Houston
- Everyone expects the Redskins to win big this game. Houston stinks. Portis should be back. But I think this could be a tough game on the road. That said, the Texans suffered some injuries on the O-line, and Greg Williams should feast. Washington should cover the 4 points.

Chicago (-4) @ Minnesota
- Another tough call here. Vikings have suffered some injuries to their defense, so I'm giving Chicago the edge here. But the game should be within a fieldgoal, so take Minnesota at home, plus points? Perfect.

Carolina (-3) @ Tampa Bay
- Once again, you need to consult the Steve Smith report. Panthers are banged up in other places also, and Smight, even if he plays, isn't likely to be in top form. It's anyone's game to win, but I'll call Tampa at home, and take the points to help.

Green Bay (+7) @ Detroit
- Detroit, a touchdown favorite? Smells fishy. People must think Brett Favre is about to die. This should be a competitive game at a low level of competition, Take the Pack on the road.

Baltimore (-7) @ Cleveland - Ravens should definitely win this game, but will they dominate. Ray Lewis and Ed Reed versus Charlie Frye and Reuben Droughns says YES! Ravens cruise to 3-0.

St. Louis (+3) @ Arizona
- Rams defense is revitalized as the offense regresses. And they might be without Orlando Pace. Arizona should get their offense back on track at home. "The Edge" goes to Arizona, Cards should cover at home.

NY Giants (+3 1/2) @ Seattle
- Seattle gets the nod in this game, but Shawn Alexander has missed a practice, and Deion Branch is still being integrated. Plus they're due for a loss. After playing the Colts and Eagles, Giants defense should be ready for Seahawks. Giants dominated play in their game last year, but lost due to missed field goals. Of course, I'm biased, but Giants should get a good win on the road in Seattle.

Philadelphia (-6 1/2) @ San Francisco
- Philly's goign to be pissed after giving away a 17-point lead at home to New York. 49ers get smashed. Take Philly all the way.

Denver (+7) @ New England - Shanahan announced Plummer will be the QB all year, but the Snake's confidence has already slithered away. Drafting Cutler sealed it, everyone knows the rhetoric about who will start means nothing. New England's still playing with a chip on their shoulder. They should dominate at home. Take the Pats.

Monday Night
Atlanta (-4) @ New Orleans - Bush vs. Vick on Monday Night. I expect New Orleans to be real pumped up, and Falcons are due for a letdown. Saints should at least keep it within a field goal, so an easy call with the points.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Your Unborn Children To Help Three Blind Mice See Again

This link was sent in to me, with the line, "PETA has gone too far..."

There's been a study on human stem cells being used to restore vision in blinded rats.

As if the rat problem wasn't bad enough. I thought we blinded those nasty things for a reason. What's next, viagra for roaches? Maybe we can enhance their sense of smell also, cause sometimes they can't find the potato chips.

Rat says, "God, If I Had Seen The Filth I Was Living In, I Would Have Stayed Blind" [NY Times]

The Washcloth

So somehow the subject of washcloths came up recently, and it occured to me I had not written about this racially charged household item. I thought the racial divide was a given: Black people use them. White people don't.

But when I googled "the washcloth," the first link took me to a Paul Davidon post, and subsequent caucasian comment party. And not one person mentioned race, i.e. "what do we know, only black people use these things." Paul seemed to be under the impression that there was a cult of washcloth users, presumably a swath of people that cut across lines of race, gender, religion. After reading the post, I was disappointed. Like hip hop, Oprah, and Dave Chappelle, had the washcloth crossed over and gone mainstream?

But then I looked more closely at the comments, and it turned out no one was advocating for the washcloth. And this is what I would anticipate at a caucasian comment party. And then I noticed the one person who was advocating usage of the washcloth was suspiciously named Keef Keith. Hmmmm, I smell melanin ...

So I looked at Keef's Keith's blog, and immediately noticed usage of the word "peeps." Eureka!! We've struck gold!! Racism is alive and well!!! YES!!! *fist pump* Turns out a black guy was in fact the only person advancing the washcloth movement. At least, I hope he’s black, otherwise I might have to smack him for trying to act cool.

(Looking closer, this site will require further examination, cause reality remixed is like the real assimilated negro. This ni**a confesses to using J-Date. Holla! And E-Harmony. Double-Holla!!! Peep this:
In other news, most of my subscriptions will expire within the next few days to the various dating sites I signed up for last month in a frenzy. I will not renew them. As with the other dreaded Site That Shall Not Be Named, it’s been much effort and zero return.
A negro getting zero return off of J-Date? Color me flabbergasted. Time to remove that picture homey, or photoshop it for that Black. White. treatment.)

So back to the washcloth. Of course the problem with the washcloth, as many of the commenters on Paul's post point out is it's just plain nasty. The cloth serves as a four-star hotel for germs, dirt, and bacteria. It's like going from a room in a Hilton Hotel, to a room in Paris Hilton *rimshot*.

But Mirabella ends the washcloth debate here. The washcloth is best if you can, one, have a bunch of them, and two, wash the washcloths all the time. Tough task perhaps, but not impossible if you have the resources.

For the record, I don't know any caucasians who use them. I know some black folks who do, and some who don't.

As an aside, one of the trackbacks for this post goes to QueerMind. And forget race, I could never see a gay guy using an old washcloth. Way too potentially dirty, right? But it might make for an amusing scene in a movie, where some down-and-out gay guy has had his whole life torn asunder. And to demonstrate that he's hit the bottom of the barrel, he sacrifices that last vestige of decency, picks up the dirty washcloth, and begins to bathe. And gaydom cringes in horror. That would be hot.

Feel free to provide more demographic info on washcloth usage.
This has been a TAN public service announcement.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

The Sober-Chick Challenge

Not long ago, I was out with a couple friends, and we hit this one spot in possession of a beautiful hostess. A striking, Grade A, exotic model type, and so one of my friends gets assertive, makes some moves, and they strike up a little convo. Over the course of the next hour or two we find out she is in fact a model, just recently moved to NYC, and that she's sweating the owner of the bar a little something (first two things we found out directly, last thing we found out through observation).

Much like The Bartending Muse, a situation where you're hitting on the hot hostess requires a lot of nuance, and ultimately a high tolerance for failure. And over the next hour or two, when she was busy doing her hot-hostess duties, we speculated on my friend's chances. The results of our analysis were ultimately inconclusive, and we decided to chalk up this first experience to "seed planting" and figure we'd come back another time to follow up and see if any flirting-flora had come to bloom.

We moved on to another spot nearby, and once again my friend's eye was caught, this time by a bartender. This bartender was a bit more, how do you say it, accessible. She was good looking, certainly, but the hostess girl was like a right-off-the-fashion-pages, 'bout-to-be-scooped-up-by-a-mogul-with-a-yacht, gotta-waste-all-your-time-punching-ni**as-in-the-face-for-staring-too-hard type. And the bartendress was a little more ghetto.

So empowered by the slightly lower barrier-to-entry, my friend gets proactive and starts kicking it with the bartender. And she's giving all the right signals, she's laughing at all his jokes, telling us, his friends, that he's funny, hooking us up with drinks etc. But then my friend suggests that we all do a shot together, and she reveals that she doesn't drink. And, well, that's where I punched out, because I knew the game was over. I knew my friend would not be up for The Sober-Chick Challenge.

When the bartender left, my friend was still excited about the prospects. I didn't want to be a game-hater, chipping away at his house-of-confidence, so I couched my thoughts in the context of our experiences with the previous girl he was hitting on. I told him I thought he'd have a better chance of getting with the America's Next Top Model chick, versus the sober bartender.

I explained that if his objective was to get a little carefree action, no drama, the hot model may be a little more difficult in the initial approach, but once you got in there, you'd be in there. Kind of like Harvard, difficult to get in, but then you're good to go [insert Taco Bell hand signal]. Alcohol and drugs serve as helpful study guides on your way to getting that BHD (Booty Holla Degree?). Meanwhile Sober Chick U is no joke, and they provide no study aids. These girls gonna have you taking SAT's, writing essays, doing interviews, getting letters of reference, all of that, with only your stone-cold sober brain to help.

On top of that alcohol is the Game Enhancer. You ever try to kick game in the museum? Sh*t is laughable son. If they had alcohol flowing in the Museum of Natural History, you might be able to get a little tee-hee when you say, "I've got a T-Rex in my pants that's 'bout to eat your Brontosaurus ass girl!" as you walk past the dinosaur exhibit. Or at the MOMA, "if you come by my place, please wake me up before you Van Gogh-Gogh." With a few (hundred) drinks in her, maybe you get a smile out of that. But sober all you're going to get is, "did you just say i had a Brontosaurus ass?!!?!?"

And it doesn't stop there. The sober-chick challenge means you have to exert max energy through all the games of the Relationship Olympics. The 500-meter walk through the bookstore. The 800-meter clothes shopping hurdle. The cell-phone/javelin toss when anyone calls or text messages while she's talking. Synchronized Spooning etc. etc. etc.

I'm not saying all that is prohibitive, and sober-chicks should be off the radar, but most guys would like to get a little taste before figuring out if they want to start serious training (that is what a relationship is right, training?). All I'm saying is acknowledge the challenge while you're out in the field, make sure you add at least one or two degree-of-difficulty points when she tells you she doesn't drink. Maybe even a couple more if you encounter her at a bar, because obviously sober chicks at bars have something suspicious going on.

That is all. In the end I was proven right because sober bartender gave up the digits to my boy, but then wanted to go to ballets, operas and other flaccidity-inducing cultural events.

Now I'm going to go track down the girl in this picture and tell her about the T-Rex in my pants.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

NFL Pick Professional; Sex In October

Here's the tally on my picks from week 2 in the NFL:

TAN rocks: Baltimore, Chicago, Indy, Minnesota, NY Giants, San Francisco, New England, Dallas, Jacksonville, Kansas City

TAN flops: Tampa, Miami, Cleveland, Green Bay, Arizona, Tennessee

So we go 10-6. A solid professional performance. Word on the streets is, if you have no plan, you might as well go TAN.

Or give it up and focus on fantasizing about Jillian Barberie.

Week 3 picks will go up Thurs. or Fri.

In other news, I TOLD YOU the Mets were better than sex. Now they've clinched the division, and are setting up the rotation for October. Anything less than a World Series berth will be a disappointment. HOLLA!!

Week 2 Picks

Mets Are Better Than Sex

Monday, September 18, 2006

Are There Any Living Things That Do Not Have A Social Network?

Saw this via Gawk, a little blurb in the NY Times on Dogster and Catster.

Sent it to a friend who said she actually preferred hamsterster.

Who else is out there? Squirrelster, pigeonster, hoboster? Rapistster, homicidal maniacster, pedophilester? For my peeps, TANster, negroster, slavester? (black planet be damned!)

And even though friendster keeps telling my hotmail account they've done something new every five hours, I thought the "-ster" suffix was dead for social network sites. Isn't it dogSpace, rapistSpace, and hoboSpace?

I have many questions, I hope some of you have answers...

When Family Pets Network [NY Times, via Gawk]
Apparently The Rest Of Noah's Ark Networks Also [Hamsterster]

Freestyle Verses Off-The-Dome

FreestyleTo recite verse or prose that is without thematic or conceptual structure. Its subject matter is “free” to move wherever it pleases.

Off The DomeTo recite verse or prose spontaneously, essentially vocalizing what comes to your head at that moment.


I have long been frustrated with a specific piece of hip hop lingo. I hate the term “freestyle” being used in reference to a person that is going “off the head.” If we used the terms properly it could end a lot of nonsense.

For example, earnest rap fans looking to prove their authenticity often try and shout out freestyling emcees, “oh that freestyle was written, you can tell...”

Well, a “freestyle” can be written. A “freestyle” is a style … that’s free. That’s it. It’s not focused on, dear Mama, or a gangsta bitch, or bonnie and clyde, or Courvoisier. It’s about whatever you want it to be about, it is free form, and it need neither be spontaneous or premeditated.

Off the head, or off the dome, is when an MC is kicking lyrics as they come to mind … spontaneously.

Nas and Jay-Z have kicked a lot of freestyles in their lives. But you rarely see them go "off the dome." KRS-ONE, Eminem, Common all frequently go off the head as part of their acts.

Off the dome is basically a sub-category under the bigger umbrella of "freestyle." Very simple. So please, let’s try to use the terms properly.

Jor-El aka TAN aka Perspective Evolution aka The Eternal Now
aka Talcum Badsmell

Oh, Is This What They Used To Wear?

Ahhh, now I know why those white slavemasters used to be so eager to jump the bones of those sexy slave mamacitas.

short jean-skirts!

Bring Back Slavery, Look At The Cool Products

Sunday, September 17, 2006

NFL Roundup: Week 2

I get e-mails for picks and thoughts on games. I used to write for fantasy sports sites, and did some handicapping as well ... those who know me know I know my sports.

NFL has become notoriously difficult to predict. This season looks to be no different. But we will anyways. This week is going up a little late (an hour or so before kickoff), but we'll start getting one of these up every week. I hope.

disclosure: I am a die-hard New York Giants fan.


Oakland (+14) @ Baltimore -- I take Baltimore to cover here. Their defense is back, healthy and with a healthy chip on their shoulder. Oakland is not this bad, but with Gallery's injury adding to the insult of their collectivep erformance last week ... they're not showing up on the road this week. Raven domination will be a storyline in week 3.

Houston (+13 1/2) @ Indianopolis -- Indianopolis didn't play great in their week 1 win over the Giants. They will either be less of a team, where the loss of James hurts both the running game and the defense. Or they will adjust and improve as the season goes on. I'm betting on the latter. Indy will cover with a two touchdown victory.

Cleveland (+11) @ Cincinnati -- Bengals are supposed to take this in a route. I don't see it. Bengals have some guys banged up including Houshmanzedeh and LT Levi Jones. Right now, they've been getting a lot of slurping in the media, since Palmer has come back healthy. Browns should sucessfully lower the level of play. Bengals might win, but won't cover.

Buffalo (+7) @ Miami - Miami's a touchdown better than Buffalo at home. Period.

Detroit (+8) @ Chicago - Chicago looks for real. Detroit still looks fugazzi.
Chicago to cover.

Carolina (+2) @ Minnesota - The string of home team favoritism continues. Panthers are a different team without Steve Smith. He's supposed to be out again. Take Minnesota.

NY Giants (+3) @ Philadelphia - I think the Giants can go in and win. But I'm biased.

Tampa Bay (+5) @ Atlanta - Fairly evenly matched teams here. I'll take TB and the points on the road, just based on the law of averages.

New Orleans (-3) @ Green Bay - First road team to be favored, and it's the Saints of all teams. Everyone's down on Green Bay, but it's only been one game, and Favre can go from very bad to very good with the best of them. Ahman Green had a + game last week. We'll take the Pack and the points at home.


St. Louis (-3 1/2) @ San Francisco
- Another questionable road favorite here. Two teams trying to reshape their identities. I'll pensively take San Fran and the points.

Arizona (+7) @ Seattle - No Deion Branch for Seattle. Don't think their defense will matchup with Arizona, and they don't have the pass rush to knock around Kurt Warner. Take the points and potent offense in Arizona.

New England (-6 1/2) @ New York Jets - Jets come back to the reality of a pissed off Tom Brady. Pats will definitely win by a touchdown.

Tennessee (+11 1/2) @ San Diego - Eleven plus points seems a lot to be giving a newbie QB like Phillip Rivers. I don't think the Titans are a void. They'll be competitive. Take them and the points.

Kansas City (+10 1/2) @ Denver - Another game that seems like a lot of points for teams that are not disproportionately talented. Trent green is missing for KC, and the offensive line, once the hallmark of the team, is in transition. But with Plummer there's a way, .... for the other team. I'll take the points and that competitive division rivalry fire on the road.

Washington (+7) @ Dallas - Tempting to go with Redskins and the points on the road as I have been. But I think Cowboys will put it together for this one. They'll get the touchdown for the push, or a fieldgoal late to make it ten. 'Boys at home.

Pittsburgh (-3) @ Jacksonville - The Monday Night Football game sounds kind of boring. The defending champs are expected to take a tough game on the road. I believe in Jacksonville's developing WR corps. And Fred Taylor's healthy, and still a factor. I'll give them a tough win at home, and an early wakeup call for the champs. Jaguars.


Thursday, September 14, 2006

Laundry Bag Bling

I know some of y'all out there always looking for the next level of "status accessory." Y'all probably already bloggin' with the super-duper macbook pro deluxe 5000++. And you might already have a hot-ass motorola PEBL, because, you know, only the finest and sleekest in telecommunications will do ... (but you ain't tryin' to have no PDA to be e-mailing and all that all the time).

See people like you need people like me. Because you probably woke up this morning, like, "damn, what is there that's hot and sort of unnecessary for me to have, but still so hot-like-fire that I just have to have it. Just because."

Well yesterday the next-new-futuristic sh*t came to me. See, I was at my boy's crib, and he had clothes all over the place in the bedroom. And I was like, "you know what would be some fly sh*t for you to have ...?"

And he was like, "nah, what would be the fly shit?"

And I was like, "a hamper son, some sort of big laundry bag/hamper."

And he looked a little disappointed at that point, I mean if you talking about "the fly sh*t" and you have any level of expectation, finding out about a hamper is going to be an underwhelming revelation. But that's why it's the sh*t son. The genius of the hamper sneaks up on you.

See I wasn't even up on hampers like that. But then I went online, and I realized getting some fly extra-tricked out hamper is the future. Obviously, yeah, you could get some ol' sweet-and-regular laundry bag. $5-$10 at bed bath and beyond. You could even up the ante on some $25 folding ish. And you'd get some props if you dropped $100 on a woven maple joint. Girls would be like, "ooohhh snap! Is that some woven maple ish you poppin' your clothes into??" Then they start taking off their panties to try the hamper. But that's still child's play. Laundry bags for mortals.

Now first I thought the top ish was going to be droppin' like four-to-five hunny on your hamper. That would make you the man. You could flex some real floss with a hamper like this for example. Some triple-decker action. With foot pedals and anti-bacterial shit going on. You don't even need to wash your clothes son! Just put them in the anti-bacterial bag. PLus you got wheels and shit. You put another hundred down, you could probably get some hydraulics.

So I thought that was it. That was the fly ish. And it's pretty fly. Anti-bacterial is pure fire. Your joint is on wheels. Girls would be swooning. Guys would be trying to do laundry w/ you on Sundays.

BUT THEN ... I stumbled on the trump card. The whole other, next-level. I couldn't even find a picture. I could just find copy:
A five-star hotel in Hong Kong was yesterday offering what may be the world's most expensive Christmas hamper with a HK$1 million (US$129,000) price tag. The hamper offered by the Ritz-Carlton includes champagne, caviar, cigars, diamond jewellery, vouchers for a stay in the hotel's presidential suite and a flight by a Gulfstream jet to Bali. The hamper is believed to be the most expensive ever offered in Hong Kong -- where the top-priced hamper last year was a US$48,888 offering from Sogo.
HOLLA!! It's a wrap ... GAME OVER! Cop the $129K hamper and you need not copy anything anymore in your life.

So, How Much Did Your Laundry Bag Cost? [Tapei Times, 2nd item]

Rowdy Roddy Piper Showcases Assimilated Negro Warpaint

While I'm Youtubing, this one was sent to me by the Brazilian Muse a while ago, and I never got to post it because everytime I looked, I was left a bit paralyzed and subsequently had to take a nap.

But really I'm just wondering why the black side has to be the side doing all the yelling and carrying around.

Anyways, black power ... courtesy of Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Keith Olberman Gets In George Bush's Ass

A little late on this, but it was the best 9/11 rant I've seen over the past week or so. I don't understand why there aren't more of these direct in-your-face tongue lashings.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Down At The Naked Cowboy Corral

I've mentioned before bumping into The Naked Cowboy laying tracks down at The Lab. Well yesterday, an interview he did with the AP was all over the place, promoting his upcoming album. Here's the pimp line:
"Every major record label is gonna compete to be the one to represent this project. Once again, Beatles, Elvis Presley, Naked Cowboy," boasted the Cowboy, calling success "guaranteed."
Word up son.

I'm amused by the fact that anyone you talk to at the studio working with him on his project says, "I can't believe I'm getting down with some Naked Cowboy." But he does have an interesting package (nullus) going on. He's a legit tourist attraction, so says Wiki. He's caking by playing the guitar in his underwear in Times Square. Now, having had access, I know his "little bit country, little bit rock-and-roll" music is a little more fratty-UES/Walmart than hip-downtown/any music venue in NYC, so you wonder about him taking off here, but he'll get slurped up anywhere west of NYC. And ultimately, NYC doesn't matter for him because he's already got it on lock down via his hot-like-fire crooning-in-his-drawers hustle.

And, um, I liked this quote also:
"Some of the tracks have eyebrow-raising titles, the most printable, perhaps, being "Get Your Ass Kicked by a Man in his Underwear."
Ha. I layed vocals (background ish) on that particular track last night. SH*t was hot son! I blazed it. Actually, wait a minute, ... this is the real money quote:
The Naked Cowboy predicted that _ not if, but _ "when" his album is a hit, he'll become "a multi-gazillionaire with castles in every major city
Jeah! Come on, I know y'all are trying to front on the god. But do not! CASTLES SON! IN EVERY MAJOR CITY!! You think it's a game!!!! He's got the jokes on lock as well. (can someone edit my usage of caps and exclamation points so that my narrative creates the appropriate dramatic progression and build-up, thx)

Anycowboy, developing story ...

Cowboy's Got The Music In Him []
More Self-Worth Via Association; Crying [TAN]
Clothes Off Outside, Clothes On Inside; Crackheads [TAN]

Monday, September 11, 2006

Giant Thoughts: Week 1

Manning Bowl lived up to the hype. Great back-and-forth game between two upper-echelon teams.

Big Blue really blew one here, as they dominated play from the middle of the second quarter on, but couldn't come up with the victory. Numerous stupid penalties, a missed field goal, horrible turnover on a botched handoff, poor clock management at the end of the game.

One thing apparent, the Giants may have the best offense in the NFL, or at least the best collection of personnel. Plaxico showed off his unique skill set. Tiki continues to look dominant. Shockey remains a matchup problem. Toomer is safe. And if Brandon Jacobs is taking a step forward, he adds a whole other dimension. We didn't get to see Carter much (except on that crucial PI call) or Sinorice Moss. So while it's tempting to say they dominated a Colts defense, this team should be able to put up points against anyone. Especially impressive/encouraging was the job the tackles did on Dwight Freeney and the rest of the D-Line.

The defense, which is the x-factor this season, looked ok. Sam Madison did a nice job locking down Reggie Wayne. Wayne's only big catch was on a play action where Peyton had all day to throw. Webster held his own against Harrison. This is about as good as it gets in the NFL in terms of passing offense, so it's ok to be ok. We dropped three very catchable interceptions, and did a lot of bending but not breaking. Colts running attack clearly looked feeble, but I expect that to be more of a reflection of the Giants run D with Pierce and Arrington healthy, as opposed to the ineptitude of Addai/Rhodes. Addai showed some explosiveness, he'll be formidable by year's end in that system. Barry Cofield made his presence known early, and they started running more to the outside.

All in all a positive game as a measuring stick, Colts are a perennial contender, "best regular season QB in the league" ... but we weren't looking to prove we don't suck, lookign to prove we can beat good teams. The Giants are all about Eli this year. The supporting cast is there. He just has to live up to it. Game one continued to reinforce that point.

Giants vs. Philly is a big one next week. Question is if Philly's D is still championship caliber.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Blacks & Whites, Hippos & Tortoises, And I Think To Myself, Oh What A Wonderful World

A friend of mine pointed me to this site, Lafarge Eco Systems, they have a blog that relays news and anecodotes from a nature reservation, and one of their main stories is about a young hippo named Owen, and an old tortoise named Mzee.

Owen was a baby hippo, orphaned during the '05 Tsunami. They rescued him, and upon his arrival on the reserve he latched on to the 130-year-old Mzee. The subsequent relationship that developed got a lot of media coverage last year, and their story has made for a popular childrens book, and a movie deal.

These were Owen's rescue and first few days on the reserve.
In a month they became celebs.
And it seems sometime in April their relationship started getting more serious.

Like TAN, there are life lessons to be learned from Owen & Mzee. Here are five things I picked up in a quick sampling:

1. Tolerance, patience, perspective are key to a relationship surviving. In the beginning, Mzee seems crotchedy and very willing to snap and be nasty but Owen just sort of deals with it, and eventually Mzee shows his lighter side.
2. Overcoming sterotypes, odds, classification to be happy and live your life is always a good foundation for a story.
3. Hippos are territorial, and will chase and bite.
4. Hippos can almost double their weight and size in a day.
5. Friends can be replaced, at least temporarily, if they are similar in shape and size.

Their story really is remarkable, and even the most testosterone-addled of guys can appreciate this cute, adorable tale of love, friendship, and lust laziness ...

Now my friend suggested that Owen was "The Assimilated Hippo" because there are other hippos on the reserve, but he just prefers to hang with the tortoises. Now TAN is about bridging cultures etc., but I wouldn't go so far as to say I ignore my own peeps. I definitely work both sides of the room, and luckily Deadspin has provided me with visual proof, here I am (3rd pic down) with a fellow Melanin Marinesman, holding the official drink of TANs everywhere, and sending a personal message to all those who are unaccepting of hippo-tortoise-black-white-love.

Come with an open mind, or don't come at all.

So says TAN. So says Owen & Mzee.

How To Make A Tortoipotamus
[Lafarge Eco Systems]

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Filth Filth Flarn Flarn Filth

I'm down to make a joke about our dirty subway system, but I was still taken aback in reading this bit on new products that keep you germ free while riding the subway.
If you don't like touching that sticky subway pole and wonder what you're really grabbing hold of, there's good news - there are several products that on the market that are supposed to keep you germ-free on your commute.

Some subway riders go to great lengths so as to not put their hands where thousands of other hands have gone before.

“I try not to touch anything," says one straphanger.

“You get a newspaper and wrap the newspaper around," says another.
Who are these people? Sticky subway pole?? What are we really grabbing hold of??? Hmmm, let me think, are my hands gliding over piss, saliva, or semen?? Ewwww. Yuck. Seriously, if the subway poles were consistently sticky, there'd be a lot more ruckus about it. I haven't experienced sticky subway pole, if I did I'm sure I'd promptly make it a "sticky subway car" with "sticky subway patrons" vis-à-vis my projectile vomit. I imagine it happens now and again, but it's a tad disingenuous as a lede, no?

And I definitely haven't seen people using the wrap-the-newspaper trick. Personally, I might prefer a germy pole to ink on my hands from manhandling a newspaper.

The piece goes on to plug metrogrip, transtrap, and the anti-microbial citymitts as products you can use to avoid contamination on the train. At least one of these products has been on the market since last summer, but I've never seen anyone using them.

Now I could see using the metrogrip and transtrap to yoke someone up during rush hour who's getting a little too pushy, or who's not moving to the middle of the train. And maybe the anti-microbial citymitts to slap people in the face and challenge them to some sort of spirit fingers disco-duel.
Or even as a running prank where you repeatedly slap a friend in the face "to get rid of the microbes." (note to self: must cop some citymitts before they're all gone, them sh*ts is hot!) But in the context of simply riding the train, it seems a little excessive. But maybe I'm just a nasty germy hobo.

Rush-Hour-Yokers, Spirit-Fingers Anti-Microbial Face-Slappers

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Stimulus, Lupe Fiasco, Jean Grae, Mark Ronson Show

On Saturday, September 16th STIMULUS will perform a full set at the NYC album release party for LUPE FIASCO'S "Food & Liquor."

The event will be hosted by JEAN GRAE and the DJ duties will be handled by Mark Ronson.

Tickets can be purchased now at Ticket Web at the link below:

Tickets Please


Wanted to pimp this show out a bit, because my boy Stimulus has come a long way since the days of Prep-for-Prep, Choate, and Vassar. He and long time partner Dionysos front the best live hip hop band experience in/from NYC. The players are ridiculous, including grammy award winning Greg Hutchinson and varied credits w/ acts like Outkast, Kelis, Christina Aguilera, Q-Tip, Lauryn Hill amongst others. Find out more about The Real Live Show on their site.

Stim is also getting his solo nut off with an upcoming solo album: A King's County Tale. His first single has been getting some buzz, I saw it on front page of itunes store a couple weeks ago, Racing Against The Sun. Peep Stim's myspace page for more.

Should be a nice bill on Saturday.

TAN No-Show For Lupe Video [TAN]

Mice Use Poseidon's Trident Forks

We'll be shifting gears and picking up the pace for fall, but wanted to ease in with this amusing strip:

(click to enlarge)

Mice-Friends-Marriage [clipclopcomix] [via HadToMove]
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