The Art Of Being Unimpressed (Chapter 1)

As we all know, these days, especially if you live someplace like NYC, it is of paramount importance to appear unimpressed at all times. It's like a new discipline for Social Samurais. You must never concede the enemy's ability to influence you in any way.

I don’t care if the guy pisses hundred dollar bills and the girl shits ham sandwiches (strictly Boars Head baby).

I don’t care if your head splits open and baby greek gods come flying out and start running the world.

I don’t care if you happen to see Spike Lee in Chelsea with some white guy's penis in his butt.

You cannot appear impressed (or mortified). If you want to make it anywhere in this town, you must exercise control.

How do you do this? What are the skills that require extra training?

Well here are some snippets from the TAN dojo that may help you on your way to becoming the Supreme Social Samurai. Remember, there can only be one.

"The most important battle to be won is waged on your face. Training your facial muscles to control every tick and contortion is a critical first step. Your expression is your dominion, and you must rule it with an iron fist, particularly around the mouth and eyes area. Otherwise, these uber-nerds will thin-slice you from head to toe quicker than you can say, "Steve Jobs has unveiled the new ipod nano vibrating sex toy. Perfect for helping your partner climax faster. Or just listening to tunes while administering oral. An ideal sidekick for those looong sessions." (Please say the previous part extremely quickly for full effect.) Nothing shows you’re impressed like wide eyes and an open mouth. So remove those from your response/reaction repertoire immediately."

"There should be a strict regiment of squinting your eyes, biting your teeth, and pursing your lips while raising your eyebrows at the same time. These exercises build your core facial-muscle group needed for demonstrating maximum impassivity. After your kegels, these should be the first muscles exercised every day."

"Don't forget your eyes. Your eyes must be nimble. You can not lock on the object of your affections (or lackthereof). Your eyes should be flitting around the room, desperately seeking some morsel worthy of your interest. Alas, there is nothing. Bear in mind, even if there is in fact something, say for example you walked down the street and saw a three-some going on between Jessica Alba, Beyonce, and Lucy Liu (I keep the fantasies multicultural so the kids learn something) right in a midtown intersection, you will have to use your peripheral vision to monitor the action while you showcase your indifference by pointing out the interesting NYC architecture. Experienced unimpressionados eventually master the "vacant stare" which allows you to look directly at the action while still appearing exceedingly blasé about it all.

If you are interested in further consultation, please contact theassimilatednegro [at] gmizzy [dot] com. Please include your name, a photo of you looking unimpressed, and a note on why you need to convey more indifference in your life.