Friday, December 16, 2005

The Art Of Being Unimpressed (Chapter 1)

As we all know, these days, especially if you live someplace like NYC, it is of paramount importance to appear unimpressed at all times. It's like a new discipline for Social Samurais. You must never concede the enemy's ability to influence you in any way.

I don’t care if the guy pisses hundred dollar bills and the girl shits ham sandwiches (strictly Boars Head baby).

I don’t care if your head splits open and baby greek gods come flying out and start running the world.

I don’t care if you happen to see Spike Lee in Chelsea with some white guy's penis in his butt.

You cannot appear impressed (or mortified). If you want to make it anywhere in this town, you must exercise control.

How do you do this? What are the skills that require extra training?

Well here are some snippets from the TAN dojo that may help you on your way to becoming the Supreme Social Samurai. Remember, there can only be one.
"The most important battle to be won is waged on your face. Training your facial muscles to control every tick and contortion is a critical first step. Your expression is your dominion, and you must rule it with an iron fist, particularly around the mouth and eyes area. Otherwise, these uber-nerds will thin-slice you from head to toe quicker than you can say, "Steve Jobs has unveiled the new ipod nano vibrating sex toy. Perfect for helping your partner climax faster. Or just listening to tunes while administering oral. An ideal sidekick for those looong sessions." (Please say the previous part extremely quickly for full effect.) Nothing shows you’re impressed like wide eyes and an open mouth. So remove those from your response/reaction repertoire immediately."

"There should be a strict regiment of squinting your eyes, biting your teeth, and pursing your lips while raising your eyebrows at the same time. These exercises build your core facial-muscle group needed for demonstrating maximum impassivity. After your kegels, these should be the first muscles exercised every day."

"Don't forget your eyes. Your eyes must be nimble. You can not lock on the object of your affections (or lackthereof). Your eyes should be flitting around the room, desperately seeking some morsel worthy of your interest. Alas, there is nothing. Bear in mind, even if there is in fact something, say for example you walked down the street and saw a three-some going on between Jessica Alba, Beyonce, and Lucy Liu (I keep the fantasies multicultural so the kids learn something) right in a midtown intersection, you will have to use your peripheral vision to monitor the action while you showcase your indifference by pointing out the interesting NYC architecture. Experienced unimpressionados eventually master the "vacant stare" which allows you to look directly at the action while still appearing exceedingly blasé about it all.

If you are interested in further consultation, please contact theassimilatednegro [at] gmizzy [dot] com. Please include your name, a photo of you looking unimpressed, and a note on why you need to convey more indifference in your life.


  1. HAHA!! I love it. the pic you used is hilarious.

  2. Anonymous12/16/2005

    I think I'd stay away from the girl who shits ham sandwiches. Turkey's another story though

  3. Anonymous12/16/2005

    Thanks TAN. Thanks for making me laugh so hard at work that I spit Pepsi everywhere & coworkers had to pop into my cubicle to make sure I was ok.

  4. I'm easily impressed and not good at hiding it. Looks like I'm not in the running for supreme social samurai... maybe I could be the SSS's lackey.

    Swing by my blog later to pick up your holiday gift!

  5. Nevermind.... I can't get the images to post properly... I'll have to work out the kinks...

  6. I find this post to be completely unimpressive.

    ...ok, that was hard to write. But easier than faking a look. I need triple sessions, fast.

  7. oh...crap. I MUST change my profile picture. Sorry!

  8. I swear that head-splitting, Greek-god-disgorging thing actually happened to me, and the experience left me a demigoddess. This makes it so much easier to be unimpressed.

    But you know what? You can take the Supreme Social Samurai thing too far. I saw some highly experienced unimpressionados at a nursing home the other day. Holy crap, have they ever mastered the art of the vacant stare!

  9. Big Don12/16/2005

    I got here via some of the other sites that I now visit regularly. This is enjoyable.

    As for the supreme social samurai issue, you can see that in full swing if you watch professional poker tournies. Being inscrutable has always been a business requirement. I personally hate it.

  10. choatey, anon - thanks, glad I oculd help.

    rachael - I'll swing by.

    lisa - the double finger? I'm unimpressed ...

    orange - yeah, being a demigoddess does help. plus you appply extra pressure on others.

    big don - glad you joined the party. poker does help ... they have a little leg up.

  11. I'd probably do OK in the big city. After (and still) raising teenage children, not much surprises you. I've had a lot of practice with keeping a straight face in front of principals.

  12. mmmmm boars head

    Kegels the first muscles you exercize huh.... good choice

  13. as someone who has seen you in various social settings, i would say that you have perfected the art of looking unimpressed.

  14. TAN, you know you were impressed by my Spike Lee adventure.

    Stop frontin'


    p.s. I'm also willing to bet that you're inwardly impressed by my "I'm cool like TAN" sheep graphic as well as my ability to say (and type) unnnh.


  15. Anonymous12/18/2005

    The only people who follow these rules are people who aren't from the metro area.

    It's so funny how people not from around here create all these crazy rules of conduct. My favorite is no eye contact - you can tell someone is from upstate, the midwest, or New England when they try really hard to avoid eye contact.

    Just live and be yourself - unless you want to live your life ruled by the opinions of some dopey Midwest or New England kid living out his fantasy of what New York City should be, circa 1975.

  16. got issues...seriously...but that's funny!

  17. This is a LOT like the Marquise de Merteuil's comment that as a kid, she practiced facial control in the mirror so she could have her expressions completely independent of her feelings.

  18. Aack! Forgot to put the context: that's a character in Dangerous Liaisons.

  19. Anonymous11/08/2006

    This article is the culmination of an intensive search of all the information out there on arts site. We learnt a lot and you're bound to, too.


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