Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Great Education Rebate

Take back the space in your brain!!

Convert that useless knowledge into useful money!!

Don't Debate, Just Rebate!!

I saw this ad for a company in the newspaper. They don't have an online site, otherwise I would link them. They're apparently similar to the company in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Except what they do is zap all the useless educating you've received over the years. So they clear out space in your brain for learning things you might actually want to learn, and they monetize that useless knowledge in the form of an education rebate. Exxxxcellent.

I went through it yesterday and so far so good. If you need help on the following useless subjects, you'll have to ask someone else:

Cavemen - I think we're far enough removed from hunting sabretooth tigers and gathering berries that I'll be able to survive without this. Rebate Value - $128.76

Dinosaurs - What's great here is that I still have my knowledge/memories of Jurassic Park (since it was a movie). So really I still know more than I need to know. Rebate Value - $217.32

Cursive Writing - Ahh yes those hours spent writing the letters of the alphabet in cursive have proven to provide limited value since no one writes long form letters anymore. And if they do they will likely write in print since they want it to be readable. I personally prefer to take notes and write using the time-tested form/style called Chickenscratch. Rebate Value - $22.08

As soon as I can get the contact info online, I'll relay it. I'm sure others will be interested in this wonderful company


  1. But if you don't know about Cavemen you won't be able to appreciate those great Car Insurance Commercials. You should've kept a hold of that.

    on Cursive: am I the only person under 50 who learned to write cursive before learning to write print? This is what I get for being taught by nuns (the flying irish kind!).

    somewhat related: Carly is almost 20 years old and still can't write in cursive. She can't even sign her name. We make fun of her. Mercilessly.

    also: Whatd'you think is the rebate value of all that fun roach information? Maybe you should go turn that in.

  2. Anonymous11/17/2005

    I'm trying to take back anything you need a friggin' protractor and/or compass for.

  3. And they still teach cursive in schools. WTFF!?

  4. yesvirginia11/17/2005

    i'm always saying how i need to clear out the useless facts in my head to make room for more important things (or, likely, just more trendy useless facts)! the money back is just gravy.

    do you know if this company is only in nyc, or have they started outposts in the malls of america yet? please find that link fast!

  5. Can I get a job with this company and open my own franchise? I would operate from my present position: imbedded in the high schools. I could zap out what other teachers put in (like cursive and cavemen and protractors) and that should make them more agreeable to absorbing whatever I might feel appropriate to put in there. But, instead of paying them, can't I charge for this? Come to think of it, why is this company giving a rebate? What poor kid in a third world country is getting your second-hand caveman knowledge?

  6. What is the process like? It sounds a lot like smoking pot. I bet it is. A lot like smoking pot, I mean. Plus, I could use my rebates to buy more pot.


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