White People Are Like This, White People Are Like That

You won't see two finer paragons of Caucasian Identity than these two pearly-white gems:

1. A pitch-perfect spoof of guilty-white-liberal college kids organizing a Diversity Rally at their school:

The notebook flip @ 2:10 in response to the "brainstorm" is priceless.

2. This website:

Stuff White People Like

It's amusing.

I'm delighted to see caucasian thoroughbreds staring into the abyss and daring to report what they discover about themselves (and with a sense of humor!). Those who we would call the American majority continue to set an occasionally appropriate example for us minori-peeps; I love to laugh at their expense. It's a temporary distraction, like a trip to Vegas put on the credit card, but it does make everything else go down a wee bit easier. Three cheers, YT!

Come For Tennessee on Broadway, Stay For James on Viagra

Remember when Basic Instinct came out, and it was a pretty good movie but all anyone talked about was Sharon Stone's interrogation scene? Well, the same thing's about to happen to Broadway's upcoming revival of Tennessee Williams's Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. On March 7, every reviewer in town is going to lead with the tour de force of tumescence that is James Earl Jones. Yeah, that's right. Say it again in a deep, harrowing voice so it resonates and scares all the children away. JAMES EARL JONES.
continued ...

James Earl Jones still has sex [Vulture]

About TAN: 1.1

Hi there.

My name is TAN (aka The Assimilated Negro). It's also Patrice Evans. Somewhere along the way I have lost track of who's who. Not really! But maybe a little?

I'm a moneylancing writer, producer of things creative or not so much. [insert joke here]. Ha!

I started this blog in the fall of 2005, and I've been fortunate to get opportunities and some sense of a platform because of it. More on that in a minute, but since you're here let me tell you what's going on:

I write a lot about race, and negro this and negro that. The Assimilated Negro. The Advanced Negro. The American Negro. TAN works in a lot of ways besides the darkening of one's skin via melanin release; that's why it's the greatest [negro] acronym ever. Generally speaking, I think we're over the surface/skin part of "race," but the psychology of it all is sort of endlessly fascinating. Since I'm not a psychologist or a PHD (unless the D stand for Drinking? Drugs? Dooin'itwell? then maybe?) I can only examine it in my way. So here's a digital rainbow of colorfast content you won't see anywhere else:

Black People: Can We Still Guilt Trip On Slavery?, Which Negro Are You: Kanye vs. 50, Blacks and the Stock Market, YG&B = N-Word

White People: TiVo or NEgro?, Cracka Crackdown: Cracka Rap, Sexism vs. Racism

Black People That Love White People and WPTLBP: Blipsters, Let's Talk Mandingo Parties, The Assimilation Exchange,

Keeping Hip Hope Alive: Songs To Know: Silent Treatment, TAN 25 albums, My Convo w/ Biz Markie

For the Sisters: Quest for Claire Huxtable, Ebony Porn Confessions, Mediocre Black Chick Conditioning Program

For the Crazies: TAN's Fables, Penis Letter, iNigs and such, and of course, the case of The Too-Curly Pube,

OH, and sometimes I suit up as the Black Weird Al Jankovic: 50 Cent, Eminem, Jay-Z, Ludacris,

And that just the tip of a big black iceberg ...

(ADD Break: Go ahead, think about some other non-race stuff for a second... Hilary/Obama: crazy, huh? Britney: crazy, huh? Tom Cruise: crazy, huh?)

Sooo yeah, if you need a funny, smart, gourmet Voce-de-Negro, then I'm your guy. Hit me up! Sometimes I'm annoyed -- and shocked! -- when all this leaves me pigeon-holed as a "race guy." But, whatevers. Dy-No-Mite, bitdges! (see how I updated that reference there?). I can't help it if when I hang out with people they're all, "Dude, that was awesome. It was like an episode of The Wire. And Chappelle's Show. And ... um ... Oprah! The realness, the jokes, the humanity! You rock!" I'm just being me.

(They say that or send me scary hate mail.)

If I did a "pro" site, and I think about this every day, it'd be some sort of Modern Negro blog-zine (innovative!). And it'd have great video content (revolution!). And music (revolution, not televised!). And it'd be for black people who like white people and white people who like black people. And asians! And for young people who see race, but aren't hung up about it. And old people who are still young at heart. And there'd be news and current events and smart, funny, insightful commentary/pieces on all of it. Only a smidgen of gossip though, sorry. I don't understand why we care about Britney's bloody underwear, and I only pay attention insomuch as it says something about us. Aww. Anyways, essentially it'd be like this blog you're on now except it'd be more voluminous, more organized, more pretty, and, HEAVI'LY; edited. Better writing too, natch.

But as is this site is semi-that, semi-personal ....*

(ADD Break: So, you seen Lost? Or any sort of reality television show? How about that Super Bowl, crazy huh?)

I got on the new media landscape when I started contributing to Gawker. Heard of them? If not, I used to be like you! If you have, then I'm like you now! First bit was a commentary on the lilly white media mag industry. Then Ghetto Pass column was a nice burst of energy, Ghetto Chinese Spot, Ghetto Pickup Artists, and Ghetto Person of the Year: You, Cacasians, were favs. This video on Don Imus is amusing. My Gawk Gallery is here.

I blogged for The Roots and Okayplayer. That was a cool name drop for a while. I just facebooked Questlove, waiting to hear on that.

When I started I often skewered Ebony mag for their antiquated Negro Digest perspective. Now I'm a contributor there. Go Ebony! After suffering occasional accusations of Uncle Tomming for Gawker, I've appreciated the chance to be an equal opportunity cultural rapist.

Speaking of, I just recently kicked off a column at AOL Fanhouse: Shirts & Skins.

I've written for some other sites and mags. Been mentioned in/on some as well. NY Times, Time Out New York, The Guardian, Penthouse, The Huffington Post, King, Deadspin, College Humor amongst others. Do you recognize any of these names? I sure hope so! My Press Room contains many of these things.

Besides the all encompassing spectrum of race, I'm interested in: sports, movies, music, boobies, advertising, sandwiches, new media trends .... pretty much everything except politics and economics. Which come to think of it are the two subjects most relevant to the world at large. But I say nay! I say Snotsicles!

I think my other primary love is ... you!**



*
**
... To Be Continued ... and/or Edited ...

In Baltimore, Cops Might Be Taking The Wire Too Seriously

Wow, from the looks of this video things must be pretty tense in Baltimore, cause Officer Rivieri here appears to be one "Dude" away from getting his Rodney King on with a 14-year old skateboarder. Yikes.

If we must find a positive, at least we know that police harassment can in fact be of the white-on-white variety as well.

Gotta love the end where asks about the camera and presumably makes a threat about ending up on youtube. D'oh! Methinks someone's gonna have a little more free time to watch The Wirein the near future.

Making The Music: 1500, Show Me What You Got

So I think this "make the music while you watch" is going to be a *cough* beat for me. Peep this amazing drummer, 1500, getting fairly ridiculous over the Show Me What You Got horns. (from this okay thread, he might be the actual drummer Just Blaze used). There's another youtube claiming this as the "Making of," but pretty sure that's not the case. I personally thought the drums were programmed. Anyblaze, point is dude's amazing to watch fill in the beat. Peep:





if you get bored with all the yapping around the 2-3 minute mark, skip to the 5 minute mark or so, that's when 1500 gets it revved up again.

Prince Paul Always Keeps It Real

I love Prince Paul, and it's too bad I don't think I'll be able to get to this.

Dear TAN: N-Word Etiquette

I once started a neverending interview, but now we're switching to a "Dear TAN" feature. Send your questions/letters to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com.

In this edition: I'm white and want to use the n-word!

Dear TAN,

As a person of Caucasian persuasion, can I do racial humor without being perceived as a racist? For example, I wanted to make the following joke regarding the return of American Gladiators and my gut feeling that Wolf is a racist:

You can tell Wolf is the type of guy that would call a black person a nigger to their face in a bar just to fight them.

But because of the loaded nature of that word, I instead played it safe and made some weak Teen Wolf joke.

Your thoughts?

Jon

~~

Dear Jon,

Don't do comedy!

Ha. Just kidding. Well I'd never recommend any white person use/say the n-word. It's just too risky. And even if you're not lynched, it raises such an eyebrow you're sure to lose any of the intended effect (presuming it wasn't to be racist).

I have heard/read usage like in your example here -- i.e. you're not saying it directly, just relaying someone else saying it, or speculating -- and the person is not always killed over it. But still risky....

I wouldn't think you'd have to scrap the line. You can use "n-word" and keep the spirit of your original statement. But if you're relying on it as the punchline, so to speak, i couldn't advise it.

good luck!

TAN

Reggie Regg: Born To Denzel

Reggie Regg nails the 'Zel impression here. Morgan Freeman is a little off, might need a little more bass or something. But Mr. Washington in Training Day is air-tight:

How Racism Landed Santana

I make an argument for "Raceball" as a strategy for attracting free agents, creating team chemistry, and changing your team's "culture."

How fitting that on the day after Super Tuesday Mets fans will finally get to meet the man who will likely be their president for the next seven years, Johan Santana. Finally Mets fans get to see their new star in the flesh. They get to hear the new voice in the clubhouse. And they get to taste the dulce de leche icing on the latin cake GM Omar Minaya has cooked up in Queens.

Of course if we had a crumb for every article explaining how this moment came to fruition we'd be able to cure famine across the universe. But really all you need to know is this: Johan Santana wanted to be a Met. After all, this was a man with a no trade clause to control his destiny. He didn't have to go anywhere he didn't want to go, and he could wait a year to sign wherever his heart desired.

But his heart desired to play in the Latin Disneyworld in Flushing. And why not? There's money, opportunity to win, and a lot more players speaking his language. On Minnesota last year there was one Spanish speaking regular, Luis Castillo (who incidentally was traded to the Mets, much to Santana's discontent), and a couple players total. On the Mets there are five regulars, including Luis Castillo, and more than half the roster can roll their "r's" with ease.

In March of '05 NY Magazine profiled Minaya's building of a "Latin Dream Team" and positioned him as a contrarian to the popular Moneyball, a book with the tagline: "The art of winning an unfair game." Three years later the Johan Santana signing may be the final crowning chapter for the would-be manual on Raceball: The art of using racism to create a winning culture...

How Racism Landed Santana [AOL Fanhouse]

The Best Gift. For Patriots Fans. Ever.

Seriously, I just want to buy like a hundred copies of this book and give it to all my Pats-fan friends for Xmas Eli Manning Day.

19-0: The Historic Championship Season of New England's Unbeatable Patriots [Amazon]
Giants Rewrite History [ESPN]

Giant Super Bowl Moment

At some point this week I thought, wow, what if the Mets get Johan Santana AND the Giants win the Super Bowl. Well this week we welcomed the Santanas, and I'm getting to post perhaps the greatest singular play in Giants history:



This particular clip is awesome, and seemingly made for TAN, because Stuart Scott calls Jacobs a "big ol' country negro" on tv.

Feels good to have this one for the archives.

Matt Damon Is A Pimp

Sarah Silverman recently debuted a hot and hilarious video, "I'm F*cking Matt Damon," on the Jimmy Kimmel Show (JK's her boyfriend if you didn't know. I could see some black people not knowing that.). Jimmy also has a running "Our apologies to Matt Damon, we ran out of time" gag. So that explains the little end bit (after the hip hop breakdown!). Anyways, it's pretty funny, and Matt nails (ha) his parts:



But it just reminds me that Good-in-bed Will Hunting is a muh'fuhkin' pimp because one of my favorite movies, Eurotrip, has one of my favorite songs, Scotty Doesn't Know, with a similar theme. Matt's wife will soon have enough songs to make her own mixtape:

Ladies Guide to Faking It For Super Bowl XLII

On Fanhouse today, I do a little guide to Faking it For Super Bowl XLII. Here's the lead:

Problem: Your guy has been reading Fanhouse all week, filling his head up with all sorts of talking points and analysis that he will use to annoyingly pepper you with all throughout Super Bowl Sunday. He's busy pounding his chest and asserting himself as king of the Super Bowl castle, meanwhile all you wanna do is get pregnant. LADIES, MY MERCEDES!

Solution: Here's the guide with all the counter-intelligence you need to reverse the momentum and set him back on his heels. Plus, I'm going to give you a couple extra lines that will either leave him all hot, bothered and unable to high-five his boys cause he has a boner, or flaccid and depressed because he knows his post-game will consist of nothing but a cold shower and a night alone with his Super Bowl wisdom. Here's how it breaks down:

The Boast: Guys are just regurgitating the stuff they see on ESPN or read online. We give you 4 likely sound bytes of Football Intelligence you'll hear for the Pats/Giants game.

The Reverse: What they haven't considered, but you have. Now. The only football knowledge you'll need to turn the tables on Mr. Stupid.

Weird Look: Obviously the guy is going to be taken aback when you up the ante. Here's what to say to make him comfortable in his manhood again.

Following the initial kick-off and return you have two options: One leads to hot sex at halftime. The other leads to his public embarrassment. The choice is up to you:

The Whisper: Every woman's trump card. Here's the line to whisper in his ear if you want to derail his one-track football mind.

The Glare: The other trump card. Say this while giving him the glare-eyes and he'll know you're the Tom Brady to his Eli Manning.

So now you know the formation. We've got some plays after the jump. Ready, break!

Ladies Guide to Faking It For Super Bowl XLII [AOL Fanhouse]

50 and Paris Sitting In A Tree ... GET THE F*CK OUT MY TREE, B*TCH!!

Page Six provides an hilarious exchange stemming from 50 Cent's performance at a pre-Super Bowl party hosted by Paris Hilton. And as much as it saddens me that my model TAN couple are going through some apparent growing pains, I really wish I could have seen this:

When the princess decided to get onstage and dance, the hip-hopper quickly instructed her to "Get the f**k off the stage." She started to cry and tried to plead with the party's production staff to let her dance, whining, "But it's my party!"

Hahaha. Aww. I really hope they worked it out later that night.

50 Cent Makes Paris Cry [Page Six]

You Know Ecstasy Started Out As Not A Drug

You have ecstasy on you?

I have ecstasy.

Where?

Uhhhh ... everywhere?