Monday, August 14, 2006

Apocalypse Now: Death In 35 Seconds Or Your Money Back


Look around you my friends. Feel the texture of the air. Breathe it in deep, for soon it will be gone.

If you have yet to cast your eyes upon this cornucopia of convenience, this man-made monument to microwaving efficiency, prepare to bear witness ...

Fast Franks
from Oscar Mayer

Ok, let's dig in shall we? First off, in the link above they say Fast Franks are, "Available in both Beef and Meat jumbo varieties." Beef and MEAT?!!? To paraphrase Chris Rock, "LIE TO ME OSCAR!" Make it beef and "turkey," or beef and "pork," or beef and "bananas." Don't just get all lazy on me halfway through and call the shit "meat." Like that's a legitimate "variety." And if that's "meat," then WTF is "beef"?!!?

Then next up we have the Fast Franks press release, where we can ignore the beef-meat in the middle to focus on the intro/hook/lede:
It’s mouthwatering to imagine -- a tasty, hot and juicy Oscar Mayer hot dog wrapped inside a soft and warm bakery-fresh bun. And now imagine only having to wait thirty-five seconds for that first delicious bite.
(bold & italics mine)
What marketing/ad guy convinced himself that if they tell us so, we'll believe our refrigerator and/or microwave have somehow transformed into a baker's oven, one which just prepared a fresh bun and meat-dog in thirty-five seconds?

And what sluggardly fat-ass market research group told these guys we're looking for a way to speed up the painstaking process of getting a dog to the bun? The screening questionnaire must have been pretty short:

1. What is your name?
2. How old are you?
3. Do you eat five thousand hot dogs or more per day?

But my favorite part actually comes in the end, when they get all WIRED on us, and use the phrase, "By leveraging proprietary dough technology, ..."

I mean really now, you might as well label it, "BUY THIS, YOU DUMB-ASS (flip over) WASTE OF A WALLET!!!"

I even had to go look up the meaning of "dough" just to be sure:
dough (noun)
1. a thick, malleable mixture of flour and liquid, used for baking into bread or pastry.
2. informal money
Hmmmm, looks the same as I remember it. While they're at it, they might as well tell us there's micro dough-chips in the actual dough(!!!), and when you microwave it they form a thousand-dollar bill that wraps and protects your fresh snack or meal.

Anyways if Oscar-Mayer hit me off with some real non-microwaveable dough, I'd let them know the only way this can catch on is if - and only if - they get the fast-frank-finisher himself, Takeru Kobayashi, to be the spokesperson.

Now who's hungry?


  1. Anonymous8/14/2006

    It's too much work to put a hotdog in a bun (see EasyMac for details). Labels containing 'and/or' or 'contains one or more of the following' are frightening, too. A lot of companies say they use meat 'products', like that's a good enough description. Being meat myself, I have to say some of my 'products' should never be in the same room as food.

  2. Summering in the "Country"8/14/2006

    I'm inspired to have a BBQ and never leave the confines of my kitchen! Thank goodness my fridge is right next to my microwave ... I don't want to work harder, just smarter ... Or is it?!

  3. "meat" is a lot like "cheese product". My philosophy when it comes to food is simple - if you have to use qualifiers to identify what it is, I won't be eating it. That means yogurt is ok, "light n' fit" yogurt is not ok. Honestly, it's gotten so hard to read labels to figure out what is food and what is product that I've just given up and stick to eating my veggies. Much simpler that way. And don't even get me started on Vitamin water.

  4. I for one, am relieved the someone has FINALLY come up with a way to make hot dog cookery faster! When I think of all the time I have spent bunning microwaved dogs over the years it saddens me. I could have been smoking weed or chugging cold ones. Possibly both! This is a day of liberation for hot dog aficionados everywhere.

    "By leveraging proprietary dough technology, ..."
    I love that line, that's a gem.

  5. This reminds me of a taco stand I went too in Tijuana that offered "Meat Tacos." I aksed the guy runnign it what kind of meat it was, since I didn't see too many dogs around, and he says to me in a slow montone "Just meat, senor, just meat." I passed.

  6. Terrifying. Not Nicole Richie terrifying but equally disturbing and probably just as healthy.

    But really, are we surprised by the non-specific meat description? Surely we all know what hotdogs are made of...or not made of. When it comes to hotdogs, I'd be equally suspicious of any and all "beef" claims.

  7. MizuWari8/14/2006

    Couldn't they have just used the proprietary dough technology without having to leverage it? It makes it sound like someone else stole another person's formula and tried to make it legal using sheisty business practices!

  8. Jumper Bailey8/14/2006

    I hope you got clearance from CR before poaching on his turf.

    The hot dog thing is a bit over the top, though...I'm holding out for a version that you pour in a bowl and add milk.

    Of course, we could save precious seconds if GE got into the act and gave us a combo microwave/refrigerator with a dispenser chute that dropped the nuked delight down one's throat without all that bothersome opening and closing of doors.

  9. I once held in mine own sweaty little paw a can of some "meat" that took about 8 or 9 words to name... the last two of which were "food product."

    And hey, Jumper -- while GE is saving us all that door opening time, how 'bout they pre-chew the damn thing too.

    I mean, think of all the years we waste just chewing our food products.


  10. You know the people who sell the Pop-up Hot Dog Cooker are weeping now. Their product has been utterly superseded by the FastFranks.

    It's hard to top Steve Don't Eat It for coverage of the all-important potted-meat issue.


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