Look around you my friends. Feel the texture of the air. Breathe it in deep, for soon it will be gone.
If you have yet to cast your eyes upon this cornucopia of convenience, this man-made monument to microwaving efficiency, prepare to bear witness ...
from Oscar Mayer
Ok, let's dig in shall we? First off, in the link above they say Fast Franks are, "Available in both Beef and Meat jumbo varieties." Beef and MEAT?!!? To paraphrase Chris Rock, "LIE TO ME OSCAR!" Make it beef and "turkey," or beef and "pork," or beef and "bananas." Don't just get all lazy on me halfway through and call the shit "meat." Like that's a legitimate "variety." And if that's "meat," then WTF is "beef"?!!?
Then next up we have the Fast Franks press release, where we can ignore the beef-meat in the middle to focus on the intro/hook/lede:
It’s mouthwatering to imagine -- a tasty, hot and juicy Oscar Mayer hot dog wrapped inside a soft and warm bakery-fresh bun. And now imagine only having to wait thirty-five seconds for that first delicious bite.What marketing/ad guy convinced himself that if they tell us so, we'll believe our refrigerator and/or microwave have somehow transformed into a baker's oven, one which just prepared a fresh bun and meat-dog in thirty-five seconds?
(bold & italics mine)
And what sluggardly fat-ass market research group told these guys we're looking for a way to speed up the painstaking process of getting a dog to the bun? The screening questionnaire must have been pretty short:
1. What is your name?
2. How old are you?
3. Do you eat five thousand hot dogs or more per day?
But my favorite part actually comes in the end, when they get all WIRED on us, and use the phrase, "By leveraging proprietary dough technology, ..."
I mean really now, you might as well label it, "BUY THIS, YOU DUMB-ASS (flip over) WASTE OF A WALLET!!!"
I even had to go look up the meaning of "dough" just to be sure:
dough (noun)Hmmmm, looks the same as I remember it. While they're at it, they might as well tell us there's micro dough-chips in the actual dough(!!!), and when you microwave it they form a thousand-dollar bill that wraps and protects your fresh snack or meal.
1. a thick, malleable mixture of flour and liquid, used for baking into bread or pastry.
2. informal money
Anyways if Oscar-Mayer hit me off with some real non-microwaveable dough, I'd let them know the only way this can catch on is if - and only if - they get the fast-frank-finisher himself, Takeru Kobayashi, to be the spokesperson.
Now who's hungry?