Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The Incredibly Wack Emcee's Incredibly Wack Bio

So glad you're peeping my bio. It’s definitely going to be the highlight of the package here...

There are a lot of good emcees out there, but I’m not one of them. I am so wack. It’s kind of preposterous how wack I am. If I wasn't so wack I'd be able to come up with a song or even a line or two that vividly illustrates a preposterous level of wackness, and my symbiotic relationship with said level. I’m so wack you have to peep out when I’m on a track and cop my EP because it might just be the wackest shit you ever heard in your life. You’re not going to want to download, you’re going to want to buy this incredibly wack shit. You can make a profit on E-Bay off the "buy it now" wacktitude. Monumentally wack. Colossally wack. A benchmark moment in the history of wackness. My lyrics are corny. I bite off only the wackest of emcees. I have no rhythm or timing. No cadence. No substance. My voice can hardly be made out, the soft whisper of nails on a chalkboard. I have a taste for wack beats. I like to fake sing, but I’m not good at it. And I don’t mean not good like Pharrell not good … I mean “please turn that wack ni**a off NOW” not good. I’m pretty ugly … missing a couple teeth. And it’s not a cute missing of a couple teeth, it’s a “please turn that wack ni**a off NOW, because he’s wack, and he looks nasty with no teeth in his mouth” missing of a couple teeth. Did I mention the pimples on my face leak puss whenever the temperature goes over eighty degrees? My clothes are holy, ratty, and smelly. In battles I freeze up like Eminem in the beginning of 8 Mile, but that's the end of the movie. Well, except the scene where he gets f*cked up. And the scene where some other ni**a is banging my girl. I experience those scenes on a daily basis. At my best I’m the guy who says punchlines that elicit nothing but silence. Sometimes my punchlines make people want to punch me (see previous nine words for an example). I get other MC’s real pumped up because they know in a battle they’re going to get in my ass with just a couple lines, and have the crowd covering their mouths with their hand saying "ooooooooohhhhh snap, oooooohhhhh dip!" if I wasn't so wack I'd know people don't use "oh snap" or "oh dip" anymore.

Word … so peep me out. I’m history in the making. Coming to a mic near you …

(all descriptions, physical and otherwise, inspired by that ugly ni**a TAN himself)

5 comments:

  1. Did you see this Ass-Ex moment, linked by Gawker yesterday?: http://carolyncastiglia.blogspot.com/2006/08/how-to-survive-rap-battle-with-matt.html

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  2. Anonymous8/09/2006

    Medically speaking, I think the pimples on your face leak pus. If they leak puss, ummm, that's quite extraordinary.

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  3. What's up, Nor? Listen - just like the Euro to the dollah, I come up on top* in the Assimilated Exchange. Cha-ching!

    *Not literally, TAN. Stop drooling.

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  4. Carolyn, you exposed the softer side of Sears, and it was ugly.

    ReplyDelete

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