If you read Gawker last week, no doubt you noticed the Already Over feature. Commenters have been having a field day ragging, seemingly indiscriminately, on any new feature Gawker trots out, by the time I punched in, the repetitious inanity of people saying "Already Over is Already Over" had become too much to bear. So I tried to make my first Already Over one that confronted the issue head on. It was ultimately nixed, for reasons that are self-evident upon reading it, but I will share it here for posterity. And so I didn't write it for nothing.
(incidentally, I just discovered you can max out the text for a title on blogger, as I initially tried to use my Already Over title as the title for this post, but it was too long. Here it is below:)
Already Over: Cowardly Commenters Who Clamor For An In-Card To The Most ‘Already Over’ Non-Secret Club In The Country And Then Complain Like The Clandestine Double-Crossers They Are
Heeelllooooo. *taps on glass* Yes, I’m talking to you. Yeah you, the one sitting there poised behind your computer, staring at an empty comment box wondering, “how the fuck can I make up for every social fumble I’ve made in my life with one, brilliant, snarky comment.” Just hold on one second. Don’t write that perfectly hilarious Already Over Haiku just yet.
See I look at the subject of this Already Over and I think, damn, that’s so specific (we don’t make these up, we draw them out of an Already Over Subject Dispenser, made in Taiwan.) Off-hand I know the Gawker Commenteers are a proud and capable bunch, the hot, blustery, wind beneath our wings, if you will, so I would anticipate difficulty in finding one or two of these cowardly-commenters, let alone double-digits.
Chris, please tell the market research guy to shut the fuck up about the ‘yelling at the audience” or step out the room and close the door. Because this has nothing to do with the advertisers who dutifully teabag our collective nutsack (J.Co notwithstanding).
What’d you say Chris?
Yeah I know I’m a TEMP. Now kick him out and close the door.
***continue reading ...***
We don’t like litter-bugs. Do you? I mean you’re smart, hip, stylish, (at least that’s what we tell the advertisers). You can’t possibly enjoy litter, can you? You could probably write one heck of a blog post about how beautiful this city could be, if stupid people leave their stupid trash (note: must look up another word for stupid, CC: Balk). It’s one of the most existentially-challenging things you see all day, thoughtless people just throwing cups of soda, or sandwich wrappings on to the street, with a trashcan two feet away. How do they exist?
So why then do you, our stylishly substantive friends, come and dump your mental refuse in our comment box? Especially when your blahg is but a few fingerstrokes away. Shit like this makes me want to pitch a Kofi Anon: Commenter Assassin feature, lest we forget Stipulation #5 in the Comment FAQ:
5. Can I be banned from commenting?So now that we've remembered the rules, are we calling out names? Why not, you’re calling out ours.
Yes, if your comments are excessively self-promotional, obnoxious, or even worse, boring.
Salome writes, "Already Over: Gawker"
WTF??? That was the leadoff piece Salome. PAY ATTENTION! You might as well just cut and paste our 600-word missive on the subject, so as to ensure we don’t innocuously gloss over your comment-incompetence.
Good thing technology has armed us with these newfangled commenter profiles, so we can peep your resume, and see who gets laid off for littering on the job. Don’t get us wrong. We LOVE most of you. You’re so smart, and funny, and charming, and everything you could want in a click-through. We want you to express yourself. We want you to keep us in line (or at least show us where the line is so we know where to poop as we cross it). But please make an effort. Be smart. Be funny (note: need new words for smart & funny, CC: Balk). That’s what we’re all here for right?
So read, react, revolt. Dissect us into a million little faux-writer pieces. But roaches beware, Kofi Anon may soon be shining the light of comment justice upon all ye Cowardly Commenters Who Clamor For An In-Card To The Most ‘Already Over’ Non-Secret Club In The Country And Then Complain Like The Clandestine Double-Crossers You Are. Your end is not imminent, indeed, it is already over.
Now go ahead, guess who wrote this one.
(just to reiterate, in hindsight, I learned a lesson on not impulsively reacting to commenters. Fact is the Already Over haterade died down over the last few pieces, and this would have been a wee inappropriate. And for the record, my favorite Already Over comment was this one from narnia. Also worker #3116 did a good job when the stupidity peaked during Already Over: Secret Clubs)